Medical problems and the SO

rescue-mom

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Me and my fiance have been together 9 years and about 1 year after we started dating i found out my first medical problem.
I am 30 years old and have
-Scoliosis
-Degenerative disc disease
-4 fused lumbar discs
-Tethered cord syndrome(very closely related to spina bifida)
-Bladder spasms
I have had back surgery and worked very minimally because of medical problems(no financial help on my part) and well on my way to worse to come at an early age.
I am on 8 different antibiotics to control bladder function and pain.
My fiance does not talk much about my problems as much as i want him too.....He has been very great and supportive and so has his family(his mom pays my portion of bills when i or him can't).
Has anyone else been through life altering medical problems with their SO?I want to know what he is feeling but he just does not tell me.
How do i go about asking cause i figure i am asking wrong or maybe he does not wanna burden me knowing what i go through(I am very relaxed about everything and know the possible future outcomes and accept i may be in a wheelchair at 35 or incontinent by 35)
On top of everything i get very little family support emotionally,My brothers and i are very close but that's it.
Or if you have been through this whether you were the one with problems or the one on the other end was it discussed easily? and what were your stresses?
As i said i have accepted my medical issues i am just not sure he has because he wont open up.
 

adymarie

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Sorry you are going through so much!

I also have a lot of ongoing health issues. I have the same problem with my DH - he doesn't like to talk about them. But it is important to have dialogs, because if they keep their fear inside it will end up affecting your relationship.

I suggest sitting down with him and maybe starting with saying you are worried that he is holding back concerns about your health as you think he doesn't want to upset you. Tell him that you need to know what he is feeling.

Good luck!
 

momto3boys

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I am so sorry you're going through this


I also have a hubby that won't talk about anything. His Mom died when he was 11 from breast cancer and left his Dad to raise to 2 little boys. He has never ever talked about his Mom to me and we've been together for 11 years. I had a breast reduction 4 years ago and they were going to send everything away that they cut out for testing and told me I would know what the results were in a few days....hubby never showed any kind of concern/emotion...NOTHING and I honestly forgot about it. Then 2 weeks later he called me from work and asked if I heard anything, I said no and he said "well maybe you should call". Then I knew he was worried and he was thinking about it but just couldn't talk about it. I've tried getting him to open up about other things and nope he just won't.

I wish you the best of luck trying to get your fiance to talk about it, I'm an open person so it gets frustrating when someone I love can't tell me how they feel....big hugs to you
 

feralvr

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I really am sorry to hear of your health issues and wish you the best care possible. I am such an open, emotional person and really need that communication too. I would encourage you to try to talk with your fiance starting out by mentioning how very important it is to you that you are able to discuss everything with him in order for you to be truly happy. Especially with all of these health scares you are going through. You need that support from him and the kind words to go along with that. It is really hard for some people to be that way, so I will just wish you the best in trying to sit down and talk with him. Since you are going to spend the rest of your life with this person, it would be a good time as any to get this out so your energy can be better spent on recovering.
 
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rescue-mom

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Thanks everyone,
I will try just sitting and talking to him but most times its hard.I really want him to open up and tell me what he is feeling or any concerns even after my last surgery he seemed distant from me even though he would come visit me in the hospital and such.
 

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Are you concerned that he maybe over whelmed by your health problems? And worried he maybe having 2nd thoughts? If thats your concern then just come out and tell him thats what you worrying about..
I too had a major health issue young with things getting worse as time went by and many surgeries.. I was worried my now hubby of 30 years may not to want stay with me by all the ups and downs of health problems. So I understand your concern.
Its best to discuss it with him and get all your queastions and his out in the open
 

tink80

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. He was not disabled when we met but he is now. We consider each other SOs, just choose not to get married (I am divorced and don't really want to go through that again and he has his own reasons..plus, we have no interest in human children so there is just not much point besides a piece of paper of validation).
Honestly it has been through hell and back for us. It started with a standard heart surgery and turned into something huge. Giant cell arteritis is slowly destroying his body. Prognosis is not good. He's almost died several times from complications and we've been told it's going to be russian roulette what comes next and his survival chances.
That said, I have always been all in for this and the consequences. But me trying to be supportive and positive started to wear on his nerves. He needed time to grieve for his loss of independence and mobility..he was very angry at the hand he'd been dealt and would lash out at anyone who tried to lift his spirits or brighten him up. Since me and his family has backed off he has had a slow but better process of digesting all of this.
We had to accept that HE is going through all of this poking and prodding, not US and if it is his choice to not live in hospitals and get ongoing treatment that has no promise of actually helping, then that is his choice..it's his life after all, not ours.
Even now, if I try to put a positive spin on things it aggravates him. He doesn't want it "prettied up" and he's tired of being poked and prodded and after witnessing how excruciating the experimental treatment was, I have let it go.
I don't resent any of this. The only time I get angry is when he shuts other people down that are trying to help. I think he could go about it and what he wants in not such a harsh tone with them and not be so defensive.
The other thing is when he tries to do something he knows he physically won't be able to do but he pushes himself into exhaustion and pain and anger. I used to plead with him not to do this to himself but now I know it's just something he has to get out of his system. The thing is I am the one that's going to have to deal with the consequences when he has hurt himself trying to do something he really knows he can't anymore.
Sometimes he self medicates with alcohol and that makes me mad too because his personality is really obnoxious when he's drunk. I know it's because of the pain but I still do not like his whole attitude when he's been drinking. It's not violence or anything like that, he just turns into someone I wouldn't want to be with.
 

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I know what you are going through. I have a laundry list of illnesses and a DH that up until recently has been in completely in denial. It is difficult if you feel that you are not being heard. Recently he decided that it was time for him to start taking a more active role in making sure that I do what I am supposed to be doing, and after I have the several surgeries I may need, how he needs to take care of me. It took 2 years for this to come about, be he has been so sweet about it.
If you need to to talk, please PM me and we will make arrangements. I am sending out prayer and vibes for you.
 
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rescue-mom

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Well we more talked about it recently and he is more scared for me and what i am going through.Due to the amount of time i am not working and such we have decided to get rid of his pride and joy truck and get a cheap beater car just to make sure we have some savings....More or less i think he was stressed about money since i work but not steady.
I have applies for a job that respects people with disabilities and he was happy about that since i am a nurse normally and that is really hard on the body.
Thank you all for everything you have said it has helped me so much
 
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rescue-mom

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Oh and i have talked to my brothers more(as i said we are very close) and they said if i needed more help talking to Aaron they would be there if i needed.
As i said we are very close to the point 1 of my brothers practically moved next door to help out if needed(kind of annoying lol).
Once again i would like to thank everyone for their kind words and advice and sharing their stories.
 

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I suggest sitting down with him and maybe starting with saying you are worried that he is holding back concerns about your health as you think he doesn't want to upset you. Tell him that you need to know what he is feeling.



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I'm sorry to hear you are having such health problems.


After reading your posts, it's pretty obvious that your fiance loves you very much and has accepted the situation and is supporting you every way he can. His actions speak more strongly than words ever could.

My husband has a really difficult time when I talk about my childhood abuse (which I have to talk about sometimes) because it hurts him so much that I was treated so cruelly. When we suffer, those who love us suffer, too, even if they don't talk about it very much.
 

mrblanche

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I hope you ladies don't mind me speaking up, here.

Now, I may be a little different from a lot of guys, because I was raised by my mother with a man in the house for very little of the time, and he was no stellar example of the gender.

This is a subject that is fodder for a thousand comedians. To some exent, it's just the way men are. And most of us learned a long time ago that when a woman says, "We need to talk," what she means is, "I need to talk, and you need to listen." And listening is important.

Our modern society does everything it can to keep us from talking. TV, games, sports, etc., all take up our time that used to be filled with family interaction. That's hard to fight.

Dottie is my best friend, and we discuss almost everything. But I have no doubt she would have some of the same complaints you do.

And, for guys, to some extent women are mysterious beings who were built on a plan that just doesn't seem well-thought-out. If you see a guy with hands over his ears going, "Lalalalalalalala," you've probably just seen a guy whose SO has just said something about "female problems."

Just a few observations, ladies. Continue your conversation!
 
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rescue-mom

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You have all been very supportive.
We are actually getting married next year in St.Johns Newfoundland(July 14,2012)....Not where we are from.
So i know he loves me since we have been through alot since my surgery and he is still around,plus kisses me on the cheek every day before work and says he loves me...I am still half asleep.
We have officially talked though and he was more scared for me then anything else and was afraid to say it,as he did not want to worry me.
He wanted to be strong
 
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