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Need some vibes and help

post #1 of 25
3/10/11 at 11:47am
Thread Starter 
My dad is 85 and is having some issues.

He is very independent, he likes to drive and go places. He is also very obstinate. Yesterday, I was called at work by the ER saying my dad had fallen at McDonald's and I needed to come to the ER right away. They found nothing wrong with him. His CAT scan was fine, blood pressure, blood sugar and urine tests were all fine. They sent him home.

I stayed home from work today to keep an eye on him and he told me he WAS leaving to get breakfast. That is his daily routine...he has all his old cronies that sit around drinking coffee and chatting. I got a call again that he fell.

He decided to tell me he has Parkinson's Disease. The police and BMV revoked his driving privileges but left it up to me to tell him.

How do I tell him he can no longer do the things he likes to do?

I try very hard to keep his mind sharp by sharing pictures and asking about his past experiences. I cannot be there all the time to watch over him.
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post #2 of 25
3/10/11 at 12:15pm
I Have no advice. We went through simulir with my FIL. I don't think there is a right or wrong way. It just very difficult.
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post #3 of 25
3/10/11 at 1:09pm
You just tell him. Is it possible that someone could give him a ride for his breakfast with friends, maybe someone pick him up. If he continues to fall, he is going to have to be somewhere with someone all the time. Have you checked into assisted living or nursing home situation. I know that sounds hard. My sister and I had to go that route with our dad when he fell and broke a hip.
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post #4 of 25
3/10/11 at 1:22pm
Oh hun, I'm so sorry!

It does sound like you're going to have to look into some type of assisted living, or skilled nursing. In the meantime, I think you need to meet his friends, if you don't know them, and at least for now, maybe one of them could pick him up and drop him off?

Unfortunately, you ARE going to have to take his car away from him.

Just...

and
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post #5 of 25
3/10/11 at 1:30pm
So sorry to hear about your dad. I don't have any advice for you, but I wish you the best in this really tough situation.
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post #6 of 25
3/10/11 at 3:06pm
My mother, who is 83, had to stop driving because of macular degeneration. Thankfully, she came to this conclusion herself.

Her friends drive her to social things. She often buys the meals or gives them gas money. A service through some churches takes her to her many medical appointments. She also takes cabs places. A neighbor runs some errands. She buys some groceries on line that are delivered. I go to stores for her every week or two. She lives alone, 20 miles from me.

It has worked out. But she hasn't fallen. She uses a cane, though.

His friends will probably drive your father. I'd talk to his doctor about the falling. Maybe his doctor has to tell him he can't drive anymore. Then you can take the role of being sympathetic and help him figure out solutions to get around this obstacle.

This is tough. I don't know what I'm going to do if my mother becomes less independent. She has housekeeping and yard work help. During health problem phases she had home health aides, visiting nurses, OT's, PT's, and meals on wheels. Her local public library delivers books on CD's. She has Netflix. But if she gets to the point where she can't be alone at all, I'm in trouble.

Hope you can figure something out.

Robin
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post #7 of 25
3/10/11 at 5:25pm
You don't have a choice you have to tell him. Hopefully 1 of his friends can drive him places, that way he'll still get to see his friends.
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post #8 of 25
3/11/11 at 3:48am
Thread Starter 
I am in the process of getting him a wheelchair and walker now.

Thanks for the support. Its a difficult time.
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post #9 of 25
3/11/11 at 3:51am
What a tough situation to be in hun... I really don't have any aadvice or experience in this, but I am thinking of you and your dad.
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post #10 of 25
3/11/11 at 4:42am
Oh goodness, I could write a book of how we had to deal with my mom and not driving anymore. In her case, she also had Alzheimers, so we could tell her the car was being worked on.......for months and months.

No way around it, just tell him. Not only for his safety, but for other drivers. You could not only be saving his life, but that of a child. Are there any home health aides in your family or friends? Or an agency?

There should be some kind of support groups for Parkinsons patients and caregivers in your area. Talking to people in your situation on a daily basis is wonderful help.

My thoughts are with you entering this difficult period. Unfortunately, this happens to so many people with older parents. Been there.
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post #11 of 25
3/11/11 at 5:20am
We went through it with my aunt and it's not pleasant. She didn't understand why she couldn't drive and she kept saying, "Well, let me get through this year and then I'll not drive anymore." And we finally simply just took her car. Actually DH and I took it and parked it in our yard while she was in hospital. She couldn't drive anymore; the doctor had told her, we told her, and the police told her. But she didn't understand. She even went to the chief of police in her town and tried to have me arrested for stealing her car. Yes, I guess you could say that we stole it. But at that point? We didn't see any other way out. If she would have killed somebody, we would have had a difficult time trying to deal with that.

Being able to get behind the wheel is one of the last semblances of independence for many people and they will fight tooth and nail not to have to give that up.

I'm sorry you have to go through this....it's difficult and it's heart-breaking. For you and for your father. There should be some kind of help you can get for your dad. And if you need somebody to talk to, PM me and I can give you my phone number.

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post #12 of 25
3/11/11 at 5:39am
I hope that he handles it well. My FIL had a series of small strokes and can no longer drive. He felt like his independance had been stripped from him. All you can do is be there for him and help him work through it. maybe you can get some type of seniors visitor. There are charities that can provide rides and friendly visits several times a week. Or help him get to a seniors apartment. Where my FIL is they have weekly bus trips to the mall and the grocery store.

Good luck to you and your father!
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post #13 of 25
3/11/11 at 6:41am
Thread Starter 
I told him this morning because he was worried about his car.

He got mad for a minute...mad at me because he thought I was the one who did it but when I told him the police and the BMV took it away, he was more sad.

I tried to put a positive spin on it. I told him once he gets his wheelchair we can go all sorts of places. I don't want him to give up.
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post #14 of 25
3/11/11 at 6:57am
Very difficult stage of life when our parents start to age like that and their independence is stripped from them. Glad you found the words to tell him and I bet he already knew this was coming. That is why he hasn't told you or anyone. So I really don't think that this was a total shock to him about not being able to drive anymore. And I would mention how serious it would be if he got into an accident and really got hurt or injured someone else. Still very, very hard though to take. I sure hope you can get in touch with some of his friends, so that they can come and pick him up for that breakfast everyday. I am sure that won't be a problem of anyone to do that for him. Lots of as you deal with this in the days to come.
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post #15 of 25
3/11/11 at 8:57am
...
Don´t give up!...
........
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post #16 of 25
3/11/11 at 9:24am
I am so sorry to hear this. I know it was difficult for you to tell your Dad this news. I just hope he listens to you and realizes he just cannot do things that he is used to doing. I have never had to go through this so all I can do is wish you good luck and hope your Dad listens to you.
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post #17 of 25
3/11/11 at 1:41pm
Thread Starter 
He has not fallen today at home. He told me he felt pretty good..he did some exercises and took his pills...TOOK HIS PILLS? I am wondering if he has been taking his meds as he should have. I am going to have a long talk with his doctor come Thursday (that is his appointment).

His wheelchair will be delivered Thursday before his appointment. Thank god I answered the phone when the medical supply place called. He told them he needed it for arthritis.

I should have known something was up when Zoh was in his bed all the time. She is his cat and she has not left his side.

He wants me to make him bean soup...I have no idea how to do that.

He is looking forward to doing things in his wheelchair. Its going to make my life harder but he did provide for me so that is the least I can do.

I am just glad its not Alzheimers. All his brothers had it.
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post #18 of 25
3/11/11 at 2:12pm
Aw sweetie, I'm so glad you've already talked to him about it, and it wasn't insanely difficult. It's great he'll have a wheelchair so quickly, and he's looking forward to getting out!

Does sound like you need to chat with the doctor.

Know my thoughts are with you and your dad!

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post #19 of 25
3/11/11 at 2:52pm
I know how you feel and what you're facing. My mom had lost most of her vision by the time she was 80. Her car was the last symbol of her freedom. She, like your dad, enjoyed going out with her pals, but her thing was bingo--she loved it!! I asked her friends if they could take turns picking her up when they went and they said sure. It was easier for me to convince her to give up driving if she knew she was still going to be able to get out of the apartment and enjoy time with her friends.Before long her friends were taking her other places too--doctor appts, hair salon, grocery shopping etc. Of course my mom was a doll that everybody loved. She'd give them gas money, or buy their lunch. Good luck with your situation. If your dad is like my mom then he is probably stubborn. I explained (gently) to my mom that her driving just wasn't safe for other people on the road. Of course she never wanted to hurt anyone so she resign to the fact that she had to give it up.
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post #20 of 25
3/11/11 at 7:05pm
I don't have any advice to offer that already hasn't been said. I just want to wish you many & during this difficult time.
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post #21 of 25
3/12/11 at 6:40am
We had to take my mom's car from her, but she kind of agreed to it. She moved closer to my sister, but she was really only there for a few weeks before she had a sudden heart attack and died. She was 79 at the time. We figured we preferred to explain to Mom that she couldn't drive than explain to someone else's mom why we had let her drive and kill their child. I've known people who just went out and bought their parents a 1979 Battering Ram so they'd "be safe in an accident."

Dottie's mom lost her license after an accident. The accident wasn't her fault; she got run off the road by another car, and Dottie's brother was with her and told the authorities about it, but she was 88 years old and they said she had to pass a driving test before she got her license back. She went down and took it 3 times and gave up; she just couldn't pass it.

Fortunately, she has another of Dottie's brothers there at home who can drive her where she needs to go.

Dottie's dad was a terrible driver 40 years ago, before we got married, so, although he kept his license, he almost never drove the rest of his life.

On the other hand, one of our part-time drivers at work is 85 years old, and he has an excellent driving record.
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post #22 of 25
3/12/11 at 5:48pm
Thread Starter 
I hope I have outsmarted my dad. He had his coat on today and was going to drive. I directed him back inside and made him a second dinner.

I have taken the starter fuses out of both of the cars he has. So, he can have all the keys he wants but if he doesn't have the fuses, he ain't going anywhere.
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post #23 of 25
3/12/11 at 6:08pm
Smart thinking!
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post #24 of 25
3/29/11 at 1:56pm
Thread Starter 
Heh, he had fuses in the basement that he went and got.

Funny thing, they did not revoke his license. And they did NOT take his keys like I was told they did. The keys were still in his unlocked car at McDonalds. He has an old car that no one would want but the radio and other things were stolen out of it. When a policeman tells you something, you take them at their word.

During subsequent doctors appointments I find out he has an issue with blood sugar. It has been on the high side. When he fell he just ate two apple pies and coffee with sugar.

Monday he starts balance/strength training at the local facility. My dad is very eager to go. I bought him a new memory foam mattress for his bed and have been very conscience of his meals. No more apple pies!
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post #25 of 25
3/30/11 at 3:11pm
Do they have transportation there for senior citizens? My mom used to take the bus when she was starting to go downhill and couldn't get around very good. They would come to the house, pick her up, take her where she needed to go, then come back and get her to take her home. Its not ideal and not like having your own car, but it may be an option so he doesn't get isolated. Whem my M-I-L had to stop driving, and she was in the house alone a lot because most her friends also either weren't driving or had passed, I think that is what hastened her dementia. I wish you and your dad well
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