Am I Behind the Times?

Yesterday my daughter (who lives a time zone away) telephoned to tell me that her 21 year old daughter became engaged in December to the fellow she's been living with. That my daughter had told her daughter to let people know but she didn't. Which is why my daughter called. And, said my daughter, that's O.K.

I asked if my daughter really thought this was O.K. and she said that the happy couple is very busy.

He's Turkish, 12 years older than my granddaughter, and they are getting married in Turkey in May, then returning to the United States.

If I was British I'd say I was gobsmacked.

I guess what I'm asking is if these days it is O.K. to not inform your grandparents you got engaged. I sort of recall that the parents of the bride did this. In which case why didn't my daughter let us know sooner.

Granddaughter is impolite in that she never sends a thank you for birthday / Christmas gifts. Only way we knew she received the generous check we sent for her 21st birthday was when it cleared our bank account. So I understand she's rude but not telling us about her engagement? And shouldn't our daughter have said something before this? I assure you that we have spoken between December and yesterday.

Or have things changed and this is now the accepted way of doing things?

I think a lot may just depend on each couple. A lot of my friends immediately start calling people and sending pictures and facebook messages, but another told no one except her mom and sister because the family did not approve. Plus I think some may just want to have something small and not worry about all the pressure that comes from families but thats just my $.02 worth!

If they were already living together, I suppose it's they figured it's no big deal that they got engaged, especially since it sounds like very few people will be attending the wedding anyway.

I can't answer any of your questions as to what is currently "OK" or not OK.... but personally I find it thoughtless and strange!

I think it depends on the couple getting engaged/married.

I can only say what I would do, as i am the last person to ask about social norms. Personally, having not seen my grandparents or really any of my extended family for at least 5 years (for 90% of them almost twice that long), telling them wouldn't be the first thing on my mind. They would all get an invite, but I don't think I would go out of my way to call them all and tell them. I do have 45 cousins on my mom's side though, so those grandparents have seen many of their grandchildren get married.

I am sorry your feelings are hurt
It seems today a great many people do not write thank you notes. It simply does not cross their mind. I always do because I was brought up that way plus I like writing them but many people do not and this is just how it is. I don't think it means they do not appreciate the gifts or appreciate the person.

On the wedding thing, I think it 100% depends on the relationship the couple has with others in the family and the type of people they are in general. Maybe they don't like the phone. Maybe they aren't the sharing type. Maybe they figure the information will get out and they aren't responsible for sharing it individually so why contact many of the family members? Maybe they don't want the extra attention? Maybe they don't know if they are even going to have a ceremony that people in the States will be able to attend and the bride isn't sure how to handle those details. Who knows. There are a lot of reasons, all sorts of people and situations out there.

In general I would assume he would call his side of the family of those he wanted to call/tell and she would handle her side of the family. Every situation is different and a case by case basis. When I got engaged I was out of state on a vacation far from where my family was. I called those closest to me to share the great news ASAP, which in the family included parents, siblings, certain cousins/aunts/uncles, and certain grandparents. Turns out some of that list already knew as he had the talk beforehand without me knowing

I don't know of that being normal; but its certainly not what I would do!

But then what do I know? My cousin is having a courthouse wedding in May because they don't want people to watch them get married. But then they are having a full blow reception (dress and all) in July. But then even she sent me a text right away to let me know they were engaged (after 9 years of dating and 3 of living together).

Ehhh, not everyone announces engagements, especially if the wedding is planned for far in the future, such as "after we graduate" for example.

From what I've found, if you want to be with the times, get on Facebook. I don't like it, but if she's like everyone I know it'd be like "uhhh DUHHH I announced it on my facebook page, hellooooo". Phone calls are also so 2000s, now its all about the texts.

I'm sorry she hurt your feelings.

We did not tell my husband's grandparents because his mom is at war with them. They've done some evil things and recently we have stopped all contact too.

I don't have parents or grandparents alive anymore so we didn't have anyone to tell on my side.

Originally Posted by LDG

I can't answer any of your questions as to what is currently "OK" or not OK.... but personally I find it thoughtless and strange!

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I totally agree. It's not like your an Aunt who she probably contacts every 6 months or so, your her Grandmother!.

Generations have changed drastically since i was 21, and it's not for the better either, but before anyones shoots me down l know everyone of that age is not the same.

Theres a lot of respect gone as well, especially the way they talk to their parents these days

Oh, and as for your Grandaughter not thanking you for the money you sent, don't send her anymore. If she can't thank you she wouldn't get another penny from me. Manners cost nothing!

I find it odd that they didn't inform the whole family. Are they ashamed of the marriage? Is she being pushed into the marriage?

I'm concerned that she is 21 and he's 12 years older. That's a huge difference. She is barely out of her teens.

Also, his traditions and ways may be different from hers.

And while I can't speak for all Turkish males, I have known a few, and my experience has been (with the guys I knew) that they have no respect for women and are abrupt, rude, jealous and domineering.

So I can't help wondering if she is an abused woman being manipulated into this marriage.

One other piece of advice from a legal perspective. Marriage laws vary from country to country, especially overseas. I think it would be prudent for her to get married in the USA and then have a second marriage in Turkey if they so desire. If they get married in Turkey, if she ever wants to get out of the marriage, it may not be so easy because of the various laws regarding divorce. Then there would have to be foreign legal representation, acquisition of the marriage documents, translations etc. All adds up to time and money. When I worked in family law, I saw many women struggle to get out of a marriage that was done in an overseas country.

Also, depending on the country, she may not have any legal rights within the marriage itself when it comes to certain matters.

So I think she really needs to have someone sit down with her. I know that every bride thinks it's forever, especially at 21 years old. But perhaps taking her to a family lawyer specializing in overseas matters, could talk to her and explain things and why it would be best for her to marry under USA law.

I would never have thought NOT to tell my grandparents. When I became engaged (it was on Christmas day) we went immediately to tell his parents, then drove to my grandparents (where my family was celebrating) and told them in person. My other grandmother lived further away. I called her that night. As well as my aunt and uncle who lived outside Canada.

But then again my family is EXTREMELY close. My husband, who doesn't come from a family like mine finds us very odd. I talk to my mom at least every other day and see her at least once a month as she lives out of town.

Thanks everyone for your comments. It seems that there are a few more who see the situation as acceptable / commonplace than those who are puzzled / confused by the delay in letting us know.

Natalie - you made a terrific post and raised several very good points. Knowing my granddaughter I doubt that she is being pushed into the marriage (or anything else she doesn't want to do!) But what else you had to say were things I had not even considered.

I've already sent an e-mail to our daughter saying if the happy couple has a small civil ceremony here in the US then we could come, her brother and his family, a couple of aunts. Didn't say the D word but did mention that who knows what the bride-to-be's rights are under Turkish law. And then they could go be married in Turkey.

Of course, even if my daughter thinks this is a terrific suggestion who knows what the happy couple will say.

Having loosed the cat among the pigeons we'll see what happens next . . . .

Personally, I know my mother would blow if my daughter got engaged and didn't tell her . I think what I would do in this case if my daughter got engaged in December, I would just tell my Mom they just got engaged to save hurting her feelings. I do think that your granddaughter should have told you sooner though.....It really is the granddaughter's responsibility to tell immediate family members of her wonderful news, maybe it isn't so wonderful to her???!!!! You would think she would be so excited to be newly engaged and want to tell everyone. but that is just me, I don't think you are behind the time.....