The Mackerel Update Thread. :3

[zoeysmom]

RIP Sweet Mackeral

You were such a little fighter!

Sophie, I've continued to follow this thread and can tell you that I truly understand how you must be feeling right now. I hope you are able to find some peace and take comfort in the fact that you did everything you possibly could to give her the chance to get better. It will hurt for a while, I know, but one day you will be able to remember Mackeral without too much sadness and without any regrets!

for you now, as I know you will have an adjustment over the next few days.

 

[eilcon]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

RIP sweet Mackerel.

 

[calvin&i]

Words cannot express how sorry I am.

RIP Mack - you are happy and pain-free now

 

[jalindal]

Thanks everyone. Today has been hard so far, but I'm feeling better than I was yesterday. Dreading going home, though- I'm staying at my parent's place until I feel better and strong enough to go home and deal with her things.

The vet from My Best Friend vet called this morning to see how Mackerel was. :-S He's called a few times before over the last few weeks (trying to get my business back after I left following three years of history with the practice) but this is the first time I wasn't able to just ignore the message he left in my voicemail. I really let him have it, I'm afraid.

As a general rule I don't believe in yelling at people. I told him that his receptionist telling my new vet that I didn't have any money and that they shouldn't treat Mackerel was a huge breach of trust (as well as being untrue! I told them I could pay them that day if they gave me an hour and they were the ones that insisted on being "helpful" and making a payment arrangement.) and that the fact that their bureaucracy meant that apart from the two days over the weekend that Mackerel didn't have treatment which was because they don't have their own machine to test blood, the third day I had to wait because the vet I saw had a day off and no one else was allowed to call his patients was ridiculous and cumbersome and downright negligent. He promised to take a look at changing the system, and apologised for the receptionist's comments to my new vet... so at least that's something.

Then to balance the anger from that call I called Hanly vet clinic and told them that Mackerel had passed and thanked them for the wonderful work they did on our behalf and told them how much I appreciate their care and concern and desire to help. The nurse I spoke to was really touched and said that she would pass that on to everyone, so I hope they all get the message. I think I might send flowers in a few days- one of the vet nurses there committed suicide last week, so I know they've been having a really hard time lately.

(If anyone would like to pray for her, her name was Karen.)

I am definitely going to stay on the cat site, I've decided. Yesterday was very painful for me but running away from her memory is definitely not the way to best honor her. It's going to hurt anyway... I think the best thing is to be reminded of her in a good way, by people who care about her too and who really know her and her spirit well.

We're hopefully going to be able to plant the tree this evening or tomorrow- I'll post pictures then.

 

[feralvr]

Sophie, I am glad you are staying on board with us

you will grieve and there will be very painful days but we can help you and grieve with you. We didn't met your Mackerel in the flesh but we met him through your posts and pictures and have an attachment to him and you because of it. It takes a village!!!!!!! We are your village

Warmly,
Lauren

 

[my4llma]

I'm glad you are not leaving. Everyone is here for you. Plus think of all the advice you would give to someone on here, that wouldn't be able to get it if you left.

 

[carolina]

Honey, I am so sorry for your loss... You an Mack had a beautiful relationship, and this will not change with her passing... We are glad you are staying... You can count on us here

 

[aprilyim]

Sophie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

Also, glad to hear that you're going to stay on the cat site (but totally understand why you were considering leaving.)

Actually, I think you did the right thing by letting the My Best Friend Vet have it.

If anything, it will make them reconsider their practices and hopefully help a future animal in need.

I'll pray for Karen.

I'd love to see the pictures of Mackeral's tree. Please pm me if you want to talk.

 

[farleyv]

Oh Sophie, I am so glad you are sticking around. See, the system at that vet may change now....thanks to you and Mack. Good things happenening in her name.

I look forward to hearing about your studies in ok, I probably am spelling this wrong....archeology. I love to watch shows about it.

Yes, please post some pics when you can.

I agree all your experience is so important when someone else comes along who needs it. And it will help you to help them.

Macks legacy will be around for a long time.

 

[ldg]

Add me to the list of people happy to hear you're not leaving TCS.

I expect giving the other vet a piece of your mind was somewhat therapeutic, and more importantly, it may help other kitties. Obviously the vet had no idea of how their policies were impacting their care!

I'm so glad you're staying with your parents for now. The day you head home will be a really hard one. Maybe one of your parents (or both?) can go with you? And, of course, we'll be here.

I'm so sorry to hear about Karen. I will pray for her.

 

[jalindal]

Hey guys, we planted the tree today. I picked a Cottonwood tree- it's a type of hibiscus (tiliaceus Rubra) with these huge gorgeous fragrant yellow flowers in Summer and heart shaped leaves.

I figured that was quite appropriate, really! I'll show you pics tomorrow- by the time we'd finished planting and watering it in (phew) it was dark, so I'll have to take pics in the morning.

Today was hard.

Mum and I went shopping and when she went to grab some raw lamb cubes for dinner tonight I burst into tears in front of everyone. :-S

... and again in the cafe for lunch... and in the garden centre... and at the stationary shop... In hindsight maybe I should have stayed home apart from going to get the tree, but I wanted to be with Mum on her errands. I also got an e-mail from my Grandma saying that she and my Gdad are sorry to hear about Mackerel, but "better luck next time".

Can someone please tell me it gets better?

 

[farleyv]

Yes, hun, it does

It is so soon, everything is raw. Your tears are just behind your eyes.

It is a good thing you wanted to be with your mom. That is very good. Try smaller trips. And don't rush. This is your time now to get better.

I have a viburnum that has cream flowers. Just a gorgeous tree. Mack would approve.

But, it does get better. There will be good days when you think all is finally well. then one will come along that puts you back a step or two. Then one day you will think..."I haven't cried in (fill in the blank)" Then, you will start to feel better. Some it takes longer, some shorter. But please take heart we all are rooting for you. The more good you do in Macks name, the better you will feel. You and her are still a team.

All the help you are giving here on the site...I think you are a very strong gal. You will feel better, Sophie. Give it some time.

 

[libby74]

Sophie, sweetie, it's only been a couple of days. It feels as if you'll cry forever, but in truth, you won't. It will become easier over time, but right now this wound is as raw as it gets. You and Mack fought so hard; that little girl will always own a piece of your heart, and I'd be surprised if you DIDN'T burst into tears at the strangest moments.
Be good to yourself, and know that you did everything you could for Miss Mack. Those of us who have lost one of our fur-babies understand what you're going thru, and we're here to hold your hand and give you a shoulder to cry on. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything will be ok. Lean on us, dear, we're here for you.

 

[otto]

I know about the crying. I cried for months after Ootay left me, and she had had a long life. I cried in the pet food aisle. I cried when someone stopped me to say hello.

And the first time I had to go to the vet after, it was about three months later. I opened my mouth to tell the receptionist I was there with Tolly, and instead I burst into tears.

Eventually, eventually it gets a little easier. But allow yourself to grieve. You've been through a very rough time, with a devastating loss at the end of it. It takes time to recover.

I'm sorry your grandparents said such an insensitive thing.

 

[ldg]

 

[jan]

You will feel better in time, although it won't feel that way right now. I know it sounds sick/dirty, but I couldn't bear to clear the litter tray when I first lost Jimmy. My heart was broken everytime I saw a crumpled up T shirt on my son's bed, because, just for a heartbeat, I thought it was him lying curled in his usual place. When I was alone I went round the house calling his name, talking to him, imagining to myself he was still around. Tears sprang from nowhere at an instant.

Your grandparents didn't mean to be insensitive, even though it sounds that way to us. They are trying to make it better, but in doing so are trying to make you look forward and feel positive about the future way before you are ready. I know, as a parent, that it's unbearable when your child is hurting. When Jimmy died I spent as much time agonising over my children's grief, as I did grieving for him myself. I wanted to bear their hurt for them, but you can't do that. Before he died I found letters to the fairies from my (then) 7 year old daughter, begging them to "make Jimmy better and not let him die." He had kidney failure, we all knew that eventually we would lose him and I knew my kids were going to feel the most agonising hurt in their little lives so far and I could do nothing to prevent it. To your grandparents you are their baby, they don't want you to hurt, it's painful for them, so they (misguidedly) try and make you look positively towards the future.

I'm glad you're staying on the Cat Site, though I would suggest, apart from your own thread it might be an idea to stay away from the Rainbow Bridge forum until you have healed a little. I found myself drawn to it late at night, would get very upset, then was awake all night with my thoughts and distress. Looking back I don't think it did me any good, although, of course everyone is different.

Take care.

 

[jalindal]

Thanks for the hugs and the words of comfort, everyone, and thanks for the advice Jan. I've been mostly going through the cat health forums trying to find happy stories... the rainbow bridge forum is so scary right now.

I'm still at my parent's place- feeling a bit of a coward, actually. My housemate has said that she's going to clear up Mackerel's food bowls and litter trays and get rid of her cat trees (we can't keep them and I can't give them away because of the potential FIP implications in her.. illness. I couldn't stand the idea of one of my friend's cats getting sick.) I sort of... don't want her to touch anything, but I know it would be really hard for me to do it so... yeah. She's going to leave Mackerel's toys for me to decide what to do with, though.

The thing that's upsetting me most at the moment is the memory of the way she clung to me the last few weeks- we got into a routine where I'd pick her up and cuddle her against my left shoulder- she'd rest her front paws and her head on my shoulder and I'd support her hindlegs and tail with my left arm... and then we'd just potter around the house. I'd get her food together... awkwardly, one handed... I'd study and read and watch TV, and she'd just be settled against my heart, purring and headbutting my face and rubbing her face against my glasses.

She didn't purr at all the morning that we put her to sleep and I wish I wish I wish that I'd taken the time to cuddle her and stroke her and hold her against me and hear her purr one last time. I tried to, just before, but she meowed in a way that panicked me a little because she sounded like she was in pain so I just put her down on the grass and the vet gave her the injection. I wish I could take that moment back so much.

I'm sorry guys, it's 2am here and I can't sleep and I don't know why I'm posting this.

I don't... I don't want to bother anyne or distress them but I feel like I need someone who understands to listen and tell me that they know what I'm feeling and that this horrible regret goes away.

I'm sorry.

 

[feralvr]

I will tell you time does take some of the pain away, but it does take awhile. The crying and breaking down at certain times and certain places is very normal. Please allow yourself time to heal and I totally understand that when you go home it will be extremely hard on you. I don't want to make you cry more, but I know how that will feel for you. There is nothing worse to me in the world then that feeling you have at home after that special cat is gone. It is an emptiness like none other. I only tell you this because I don't want you to feel alone in your pain and grief over these next few days. Everything you will be feeling is totally understandable and it will get better with time. You can even keep some of Mackerel's things all together in a special place, kind of like a shrine to Mackerel. You will then have that special place and that special tree you planted to go and talk with her and feel close to her and remember the wonderful memories you have forever in your heart. OK< I am crying now!!!!!!!! Sorry, I just want you to know, I and other's here, have been where you are right now, and we are here for you.

 

[feralvr]

AND, I as well did that to myself when I lost two cats suddenly last summer. You go over it and over it in your mind and make yourself crazy. I should have done this, Why didn't I do that, I wish I could do it over again etc. etc. etc. Just tell yourself what you did was what was right in that moment. Trust yourself and your love for Mackerel and her love for you, that is what is the most important here. You can't go back to those moments now, and there was never, ever a moment you didn't love that cat like crazy. Don't be hard on yourself, after all of those weeks you cherished Mack and she got the best medical care possible. I understand fully how you are feeling right now and my prayers go out to you and this is all part of the grief process and regret is part of that too.

 

[jan]

Oh sweetie, you're bound to have some dreadful feelings of guilt and regret. It's all part of grieving ... going over things and wishing you'd done them differently. You put Mackerel on the grass because she mewed in pain at being handled, like any loving person would. You didn't want to the cause of her pain. When I was taking Jimmy to be PTS he cried out when I picked him up too. It was like his stomach/kidney area hurt too much when I picked him up, so I took him to the vet in his bed so I didn't have to handle and hurt him. In fact, it was what convinced me that it was the right time. I know Mackerel didn't have CRF, but her kidneys were affected, it might well have been the same sort of pain.

If you had carried her round the garden, and managed to get her purring and nuzzling you despite her pain, what would be happening now? You would still be feeling guilty and looking for something else to beat yourself up with, you would probably be thinking - she was purring, she was happy, I shouldn't have had her PTS, I did it too early. It is an agonisingly difficult decision to make and one that does, I'm afraid, bring guilty feelings with it, even when you know it's the right thing to do.

The "if onlys" are a natural part of your grief. They will go away in time as you remember less of Mackerel's passing and more of her life. I know it's a few years since I lost mine now, but I rarely think of the circumstances of death of any of my cats, but often think of their lives - with love, not guilt and regret anymore.

You get very close to a sick cat when you're nursing them. Your whole life revolves around their care, food, medication, giving them as much time and love as possible while you still have them. You don't go out because of them, you wake and go to sleep thinking of them. As well as your grief at losing her, you have to let yourself get used to the fact that you aren't a carer anymore, because you've got so used to being one you don't know what to do now it's over. There's a huge void that caring once filled. Only you can decide how to fill that void, whether you want to go out, stay in, stay with your parents or whatever. But you have to let yourself adjust to being you again, not just Mackerel's nurse.