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My Daughter is Coming Over; I Feel a Fight Coming - Page 2

post #31 of 41
2/24/11 at 8:05am
Quote:
Originally Posted by libby74 View Post
The sad part about all this is that up until she started this ridiculous behaviour, Dave and I had always told anyone who would listen what a great kid she was. Her one fault was her inability to tell the truth, that if she could just get over that we'd have no complaints about her at all. And it was true. I seriously don't know what happened to change her into the person she is now. But, like I said, at least now we know just how manipulative and deceitful she actually is.



Thanks for that, Laurie. We have, indeed, tried to treat her like an adult; until she starts acting like one there isn't a heck of a lot we can do.
And more than the anger, I'm sure it's breaking your heart.
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post #32 of 41
2/24/11 at 8:29am
Just popping back in here to give you a big sweetheart. You're such a strong woman...and I am so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. You don't deserve it.
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post #33 of 41
2/24/11 at 9:03am
good for you!!
i was one of those kids. i had ALOT of problems with my parents (and step dad) about the time i turned 17. i said alot of hurtful things and took advantage of them in so many ways, i never thought we could ever have a relationship at any point...that was 2 years ago( im 23 now).
it took meeting my boyfriend to make me WANT to change. until then nothing had been worth it. nothing had been important enough. but being around someone so positive (not like the people i was hanging around) and honest and just an all around great, loving, mature person made me want to be a better person.
at first it was to just be good enough for him (in my eyes not his) but it soon turned into wanting to do it for myself, for my future, and for the future we plan to build together. but it took a lot of talks, fights, therapy and healing to finally get to a good place with my parents. my dad has really stepped up and fixed his problems and ive done the same. and just within the past 3 months my mom has also finally agreed that she has to put in as much effort as i do if we are going to have a relationship, and now we talk almost everyday!
i really hope she finds something worth living for, something worth CHANGING for, very soon and that you guys can start to mend your relationship. ill pray for her and for you that you keep that strength up and stand your ground and start to heal from all of this.
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post #34 of 41
2/24/11 at 9:35am
Thread Starter 
I have to thank all of you again for keeping me sane. There have been some terrrible, terrible days---days when all I did was cry and wonder what we'd done to deserve this treatment. I've since come to the conclusion that we didn't do anything wrong. You guys have listened to me complain and kvetch, given me advice, and sent me a cyber hug or pat on the back when I needed it most. You're all so special to me; I appreciate each and everyone of you
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post #35 of 41
3/20/11 at 8:53pm
Libby I'm just reading this thread for the first time. I don't know how I missed it last month. I'm so sorry that your relationship is not improving. While not nearly as serious as your issue, I'm having some daughter problems too. It's amazing how they can break your heart.

Hang in there, and know that you have cyber friends here!

Leslie
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post #36 of 41
3/20/11 at 11:01pm
I'm just now seeing this, too, and my heart breaks for you. I'm so sorry for how you must feel.

It seems to me that people who are habitual liars sometimes think it's justified because they feel they've been cheated in some way. Do you think maybe your daughter feels cheated because her birth mother gave her up? I wonder if she might gain some perspective if she knew the truth about her birth mother. Even if it's an ugly truth... or especially if it is. Maybe if she knew the whole story, she would realize how lucky she is to have you.
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post #37 of 41
3/21/11 at 6:43am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
It seems to me that people who are habitual liars sometimes think it's justified because they feel they've been cheated in some way. Do you think maybe your daughter feels cheated because her birth mother gave her up? I wonder if she might gain some perspective if she knew the truth about her birth mother. Even if it's an ugly truth... or especially if it is. Maybe if she knew the whole story, she would realize how lucky she is to have you.
Unfortunately, we don't know that our supposition regarding her birth mother is 100% accurate. We know her age, we know she left her/our daughter in a birthing hospital for 6 weeks before she signed her rights away, and we know how people of her ethnic background are treated in her native country. There would be very few mainstream jobs available for her, which leads us to our conclusion that she may have had a different sort of job. And you may be right about our daughter feeling she had been cheated in some way; last spring, DD started talking about getting a tattoo of her birth mother's name. Seemed strange to me, but I told her the name and how to spell it. She hadn't had it done before she ran away, and I assume she hasn't had the cash to have it done yet; who knows?

During the last 8 months, Dave has always said this situation didn't affect him the way it affected me---that he was hurt because I was hurt, and that he couldn't have a relationship with our daughter until she had made peace with me. About a week after we'd both had our run-in with her, we were talking and he said, "she didn't have to hurt us the way she did." Finally. Of course, this was after I'd checked her email account (what?!) and discovered she'd been researching ticket prices for Florida theme parks. Up until then, I think he'd been hoping that a free vacation wasn't her reason for coming to talk to both of us. I think that made him realize how she was trying to manipulate him, and that hurt him more than she knows.

When we spoke, I pointed out to her that I don't even know her anymore--that the daughter I had raised would never have treated anyone the way she's treated her Dad and me. She had no reply, just looked at me. In order to deal with this, I've had to 'harden my heart' and honestly, that is just not me. I'm the most emotional, sentimental fool you'll ever come across; I'm afraid that I'm trying so hard to push the pain away that I'm pushing the possibility of forgiving her someday away, too. There are days I miss her terribly; there are other days I feel as if I don't care if I ever see her again. That scares me. That really scares me.

Anyway, thank you again everyone for the cyber-hugs and understanding. I know I'm not the only parent who's ever gone thru an emotional crisis with their child; I appreciate all the advice and encouragement. You guys are truly the best.
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post #38 of 41
3/21/11 at 6:49am
Quote:
Originally Posted by libby74 View Post
In order to deal with this, I've had to 'harden my heart' and honestly, that is just not me. I'm the most emotional, sentimental fool you'll ever come across; I'm afraid that I'm trying so hard to push the pain away that I'm pushing the possibility of forgiving her someday away, too. There are days I miss her terribly; there are other days I feel as if I don't care if I ever see her again. That scares me. That really scares me.
As long as you're scared at the idea of not caring about never seeing her again you care enough to forgive her some day. -hugs- Stay strong.
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post #39 of 41
3/21/11 at 7:04am
You're an amazingly strong woman and reading this almost scares me because I am exactly like you....I am such an emotional person, I cry at the drop of a hat.

I wish things were different between you and your daughter, I see other people having such close relationships with their Moms and it makes me sad knowing I don't have that...my Mom did alot of things when I was a kid to really hurt me, I've forgiven her but I never forgot and I don't hold it against her but I'll never trust her again. I love her, we talk on a daily basis (she lives 3 hrs away) and we visit each other 2-3 times a year. I've lost alot of respect for her but I'll always be there for her. There were times I HATED, flat out hated her...she had an affair on my Dad, my brother and I came home from school to find her gone, all that was there was a note on the table....she left with her new man, drove halfway across Canada and left her children (I was 11 and my brother was 13) with an alcoholic father (this is just one of the things she's done)..

It took alot, I was on an emotional rollercoaster for many years.
I hope more then anything in this world that you and your daughter can have some sort of relationship, and if not, know you were an amazing Mom and you're a strong/brave woman who tried her hardest We don't always to have to understand why things turn out the way we do, but even if it's a bad thing I believe we grow and learn from it.
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post #40 of 41
3/21/11 at 7:05am
Libby, I feel for you on this emotional roller coaster ride with your daughter. I have had many, many sleepless nights and emotional days regarding my daughter too. Sometimes it is the best to just give the ultimatum and stick to it. Hard and scary as it is, we had to do it too. When these issues are turning your home into a battle ground and you feel like a hostage in your home, it is time to make that change and you have to put yourself first and your DH first. I can tell you things have totally turned around with my daughter after four years, and it is a miracle. But, there is still a part of me that doesn't trust her that she will slip back into her ways. You can forgive, but it is the forgetting that I am having trouble with and the trusting again...

There is always hope......sending lots of hug and prayers your way..

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post #41 of 41
3/21/11 at 7:11am
Feralvr (sorry I don't know your real name).

I was a problem child for my Dad.....sex, drugs, booze, quitting school, you name it, I did it.
I miscarried when I was 14, became pregnant with my oldest son when I was 17, still in high school.....there wasn't much hope for me.

Then somehome/someway I seen the light and you would never ever know I used to be that type of person, but you're right trust is so incredibly hard to get back, you can only have it stomped on so many times before it's gone.

I renovated my basement for my Mom 3 years ago....she was leaving her husband and moving in with us, I literally turned my life upside down for her....she left 2 weeks later to go back to him. Again she chose him over me, but this time she hurt my kids......that was the last straw for me.


On a side note....kinda funny one though. MAN, I'm glad I have 3 boys, girls seem complicated (me included).
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