My Daughter is Coming Over; I Feel a Fight Coming

I'm sure a lot of you know about the drama that's been going on in my home since my 21 y.o daughter basically ran away last July. DH & I drove past her on the street the other day, and I told him, "she's going to come talk to you tonight at work." Sure enough, she showed up---walked in and said, "hey, wassup?" like everything was just peachy. I guess she and her Dad got into it a little (you cannot talk to her because she is never in the wrong and won't take responsibility for anything). He told her he wanted nothing to do with her until she made up with me. She tried arguing with him, telling him that she had apologized to me. I don't know where I was when this supposed apology occurred, because I've never heard it. The last thing he said to her was, "Call your Mom". She did, left a message asking if we could talk face to face. She's coming over late this afternoon, and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I've discussed it with Dave, naturally, and my best friend. They think it's a good idea for her to come to my house instead of meeting in a public place. Their reasoning is that I can explode if I need to, get everything off my chest, then tell her she needs to leave before I get too angry. I thought a public place might keep me grounded, but the more I think about it the more I have to agree with them. I'm afraid this is not going to be pretty.

I thought I was over the anger but this has made me realize that I"m not. I know she's going to show up and it's all going to be about her---"this is what I've been doing the last 7 months....."----and I truly don't care. Her life is none of my business anymore; she made that perfectly clear when she ran away. Unfortunately, I'm the most emotional person you will ever meet (I cry at EVERYTHING). I have visions of myself becoming so angry that I won't even be able to speak, all I'll be able to do is cry.

I know this isn't a huge life-or-death situation, that there are so many more important issues going on in people's lives, but if you could just send a teeny bit of vibes my way today, I'd deeply appreciate it.

You people are just the best! I've cried as I've read your posts (told you I cry at everything), but I also feel somewhat empowered by your words and well wishes.
I've always been the one to apologize when we had a disagreement, but those days are over. Today, I will cut out my tongue before the words "I'm sorry" come out of my mouth. I'm trying to steel myself to be as unemotional as possible; my daughter knows I'm a cryer, and I do feel she exploits that sometimes.
I will be tough, I will be honest---brutally honest, if I have to be---and I will not let her put the blame on DH and me for her bad acts.

I'd though about doing this when DH would be home, but decided this is between the 2 of us. I don't expect anything to get resolved today, but I intend to feel better afterwards. I believe part of the problem has been the fact that I've had no opportunity to have my say. Making notes is probably a really good idea; I'd better check to see if there's a ream or 2 of paper around here someone.

Thank you all so much; I'll post after the talk to let you know what happened.
I love you all!

Well, that didn't go well. Took all of 20 minutes before I told her to leave.
The only thing she admitted she'd done wrong was moving into the neighbor's house for 4 months. She still insists that we kicked her out; the actual words I said to her were, "If you're so unhappy here, why don't you move out and get your own place?" Apparently, that's kicking her out. She did finally admit that she had lied to her friends about her Dad and me being racist (I don't think I've ever mentioned before that her boyfriend is of a mixed background); that was one of the ways she was getting sympathy from her friends, by telling them about how racist her parents are.

All we did was argue; I let her have it, telling her she was insensitive, self-centered, had no empathy for anyone's feelings, and I was sick and tired of being lied to and about. She tried to convince me she hadn't lied to me since high school; I pointed out lie after lie she'd told me before she ran away 7 months ago. All she could do was sit and look at me.

To my credit, I didn't cry! I got a little teary eyed a time or two because I was so angry, but I didn't cry.

So anyway, nothing has really changed. She's still the same narcissistic child she's always been, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. On the plus side, I did get some things off of my chest but not enough. I'm so mad right now I could spit.

Thank you all for being my sounding board thru this whole mess. I was able to stay fairly strong, I raised my voice but didn't yell, and I kept my hands to myself.

No Laurie, she's never seen a psychiatrist. We went to family therapy when she was about 10 because her lying was out of control. She has a real problem knowing where the truth ends and a lie begins. I think that she also had some attachment issues, after having spent the first 4 1/2 years of her life in an orphanage. She clings to the wrong people in an incredibly short period of time. I think she also has "Mother issues"; I always told her that her birth Mother surrendered her for adoption because she simply didn't have the means to take care of her. I don't believe that to be true (we actually don't know the entire truth), but I think the reality just isn't pretty and I've always tried to spare her. When I told her in the past how much something she's done has hurt her Dad and me, her answer has always been, "I didn't hurt Dad, I just hurt you". Ouch.
Of course, I'm second guessing myself right now; I know in my heart that I did the right thing, but that doesn't really make it any better. For the time being, she's someone I don't even know; until, as her Dad says, she gets her head out of her rear end there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it.

I've just discovered that my daughter had an ulterior motive for wanting to 'make things right' with me. I'd mentioned in my original post that she had stopped by to talk to her Dad on Sunday; he didn't tell me everything they'd talked about, and I didn't really expect him to. When our daughter was here this afternoon, she made a really strange remark that really ticked me off---so much so that I jumped down DH's throat about it. She told me that her Dad was going to take her and her BF on a vacation to Florida. I told her she must be mistaken; her comment to me was, "You'd better talk to your husband." Turns out that when she had talked to him Sunday, one of the first things out of her mouth was, "Dad, your parents are getting too old to go to Florida; me and K. (the boyfriend) sure would like to go. We went to 6 flags and he really liked it, and I told him you and I go to Florida all the time." He told her that maybe in a few years, if things got back to normal, we could all go as a family. That's when she decided to 'make things right with Mom'.

After comparing notes, Dave and I have come to the conclusion that this was all a ploy on her part to get a free vacation for her and her bf. After I told her to leave, she went straight to her Dad's work and asked him about the vacation again. When he told her that he wasn't going this year she lost all interest in talking to him.

I've always known she was manipulative, but this surprised me. I didn't think she could be this devious. Dave is more upset about it than I am; I think he was hoping that she seriously wanted to make amends. I told him that at least now we know exactly where we stand with her, that she is still the same immature child that ran away last summer. Amazing what a person will do to try to get a free vacation.

The sad part about all this is that up until she started this ridiculous behaviour, Dave and I had always told anyone who would listen what a great kid she was. Her one fault was her inability to tell the truth, that if she could just get over that we'd have no complaints about her at all. And it was true. I seriously don't know what happened to change her into the person she is now. But, like I said, at least now we know just how manipulative and deceitful she actually is.

Thanks for that, Laurie. We have, indeed, tried to treat her like an adult; until she starts acting like one there isn't a heck of a lot we can do.