My Daughter is Coming Over; I Feel a Fight Coming

I'm sure a lot of you know about the drama that's been going on in my home since my 21 y.o daughter basically ran away last July. DH & I drove past her on the street the other day, and I told him, "she's going to come talk to you tonight at work." Sure enough, she showed up---walked in and said, "hey, wassup?" like everything was just peachy. I guess she and her Dad got into it a little (you cannot talk to her because she is never in the wrong and won't take responsibility for anything). He told her he wanted nothing to do with her until she made up with me. She tried arguing with him, telling him that she had apologized to me. I don't know where I was when this supposed apology occurred, because I've never heard it. The last thing he said to her was, "Call your Mom". She did, left a message asking if we could talk face to face. She's coming over late this afternoon, and I'm absolutely dreading it.

I've discussed it with Dave, naturally, and my best friend. They think it's a good idea for her to come to my house instead of meeting in a public place. Their reasoning is that I can explode if I need to, get everything off my chest, then tell her she needs to leave before I get too angry. I thought a public place might keep me grounded, but the more I think about it the more I have to agree with them. I'm afraid this is not going to be pretty.

I thought I was over the anger but this has made me realize that I"m not. I know she's going to show up and it's all going to be about her---"this is what I've been doing the last 7 months....."----and I truly don't care. Her life is none of my business anymore; she made that perfectly clear when she ran away. Unfortunately, I'm the most emotional person you will ever meet (I cry at EVERYTHING). I have visions of myself becoming so angry that I won't even be able to speak, all I'll be able to do is cry.

I know this isn't a huge life-or-death situation, that there are so many more important issues going on in people's lives, but if you could just send a teeny bit of vibes my way today, I'd deeply appreciate it.

I really hope it goes well for you hun and I think you should get everything off your chest and if she doesn't like it then tough, she's put you through enough.xxx

your a strong woman you will get through this!!

I agree home is probably best, its were you draw strength from being somewhere you can feel at ease within yourself and if you feel like you will blow up its the safest place to do that

I agree with Ruth if she doesn't like what you have to say then tough

Goodness, you and I sound SO much alike... I hope byeond all hope that she will realize what an idiot she has been, and has grown up a little. You don't deserve the pain she is putting you through sweetie. My thoughts are with you, and TONS of vibes are coming your way!

I agree with everyone....you say everything you have to say and get it all out in the open. Try not to cry, although I know how hard that is. (I think that we lose something when we cry, if that makes sense. If you cry, she has a kind of control and you don't want that.)

Maybe it would help to put some of your thoughts on paper? As a way to help you.

And it might be a good idea to have somebody else with you during the visit. I am not saying that things are going to spiral out of control, but for your own piece of mind. That way there is no "She said, she said."

I'll be thinking of you this afternoon. And hoping for the best.

don't trivialize your feelings. If it's important to you then it's important. It's all about YOU now. Get everything off your chest, hon, she's an adult now and can handle it! I will be thinking of you--!! I'm sorry your relationship isn't what it should be with your daughter. I really hope that she realizes soon that how important you are to her!

Write down what you have to say and then read it. Tell her not to say anything until you've finished, then let her have her say. Reiterate what you hear her saying, so she'll understand from your perspective what you think. Determine ahead of time what you will allow and not, and stick to it.

Good luck, sweetie. I hate confrontation as well and you've been given great advice.

Originally Posted by Bellaandme

Don't trivialize your feelings. If it's important to you then it's important. It's all about YOU now. Get everything off your chest, hon, she's an adult now and can handle it! I will be thinking of you--!! I'm sorry your relationship isn't what it should be with your daughter. I really hope that she realizes soon that how important you are to her!

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THIS! Exactly.

I really really hope that everything goes well. I don't know if this will be comforting at all, but I'll tell you a little bit about my relationship with my Mum and maybe it'll help a bit.

Basically, all through my teenage years my Mum and I fought *awfully*. I was a stupid kid, and I self-harmed and got depressed, and when my Grandma died I even spent six months in the UK with my extended family instead of coming home. When I did finally come home the fighting was still really bad- and just after my 18th birthday my parents bought me a flat, just so Mum and I didn't have to live under the same roof anymore.

I'm almost 22 now, and a few months ago Mum and I were having lunch in a cafe in Perth after a really lovely day out, and I realised that my Mum is my best friend. I don't mean that in a kind of faux-soppy, girls and their Mums kind of thing... literally, genuinely, my Mum is the one that I talk to when I need advice about anything, we spend hours on the phone, we enjoy spending time together. I even go and stay with her and Dad if I'm upset about anything or just need some Home Time. But would I live with her again? Hell no. XD If you'll pardon my language. Absolutely nothing could convince me to go back to living with her. And that's the best thing for us. The best thing that ever happened to our relationship was my moving out.

Hopefully in a couple of years, you can look back on this and say that although it was very very hard at the time... it was for the best.

In the meantime, lots of megavibes coming your way from Mackerel and I to you and your DH.



And for you too.

The best advice I can give is this: You cannot control how other people act, you can only control YOUR reactions. She needs to know how you feel, she needs to know how she has hurt you, and if she takes your words badly, there is nothing you can do to change HER reaction. I think this could be a good first step on getting your relationship back on track, as unpleasant as it may be. I am paralyzed by confrontation, and I get very emotional when I feel attacked, wronged, guilty, shame, you name it... I am a crier. Don't allow yourself to feel weak if you DO cry, there's no weakness in it. I think too many of us are led to believe that displaying emotions is wrong, but it's what makes us human, it's what connects us to the people we love.

Showing your daughter your vulnerable side may open her eyes enough to realize that in spite of everything, you still love her and want the best for her. If she doesn't realize it today, perhaps she will in the future. She obviously has a lot of growing up to do, and I believe with maturity will come understanding. She is at a period in her life where all that matters to her is HER, but most people do grow out of that.

Good luck!

I hope things don't get to out of hand today but stick to your guns and beliefs about your situation. You don't want her in your life if she is going to be out of control. Just do what you think is right and what is best for you and your hubby. Looks like she has made her own life and if she doesn't respect you, she needs to stay away.

You people are just the best! I've cried as I've read your posts (told you I cry at everything), but I also feel somewhat empowered by your words and well wishes.
I've always been the one to apologize when we had a disagreement, but those days are over. Today, I will cut out my tongue before the words "I'm sorry" come out of my mouth. I'm trying to steel myself to be as unemotional as possible; my daughter knows I'm a cryer, and I do feel she exploits that sometimes.
I will be tough, I will be honest---brutally honest, if I have to be---and I will not let her put the blame on DH and me for her bad acts.

I'd though about doing this when DH would be home, but decided this is between the 2 of us. I don't expect anything to get resolved today, but I intend to feel better afterwards. I believe part of the problem has been the fact that I've had no opportunity to have my say. Making notes is probably a really good idea; I'd better check to see if there's a ream or 2 of paper around here someone.

Thank you all so much; I'll post after the talk to let you know what happened.
I love you all!

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said by others, but i just want to add my support. I know its been hurting you for a long time. Best wishes....

Because you do cry so easily and you think your daughter tends to take advantage, I strongly suggest that you really try to show as little emotion as possible during this confrontation. That, more than anything you can say, may show her that you're completely serious.

Say what you need to say to get everything off your chest. Don't allow it to spiral into a screaming match; once that happens, nobody is listening. And nothing will be accomplished from then on in.

I wish you the best this afternoon.

I have been going through ALOT of stuff with my 23 yr. old daughter these last four years. I too am a very emotional person and with my daughter she knows exactly how to push my buttons. I have had to learn to totally control my anger and put a cap on it or nothing at all will get accomplished in these meetings no matter where they take place. Try to get yourself "regulated" or balanced before she comes, know exactly what you want to express and get off of your chest. I know taking the emotions out of this type of situation (and I really don't know the details between you and your daughter) is really, really difficult. But I have learned to take the high road when it comes to my daughter and do my best to just keep anger out of it. Finally, after four years of problems, she has turned a corner and is now talking with me and DH more like an adult than a fourteen year old teenage girl. So here is hoping for hope and sending goood

Well, that didn't go well. Took all of 20 minutes before I told her to leave.
The only thing she admitted she'd done wrong was moving into the neighbor's house for 4 months. She still insists that we kicked her out; the actual words I said to her were, "If you're so unhappy here, why don't you move out and get your own place?" Apparently, that's kicking her out. She did finally admit that she had lied to her friends about her Dad and me being racist (I don't think I've ever mentioned before that her boyfriend is of a mixed background); that was one of the ways she was getting sympathy from her friends, by telling them about how racist her parents are.

All we did was argue; I let her have it, telling her she was insensitive, self-centered, had no empathy for anyone's feelings, and I was sick and tired of being lied to and about. She tried to convince me she hadn't lied to me since high school; I pointed out lie after lie she'd told me before she ran away 7 months ago. All she could do was sit and look at me.

To my credit, I didn't cry! I got a little teary eyed a time or two because I was so angry, but I didn't cry.

So anyway, nothing has really changed. She's still the same narcissistic child she's always been, and I don't see that changing anytime soon. On the plus side, I did get some things off of my chest but not enough. I'm so mad right now I could spit.

Thank you all for being my sounding board thru this whole mess. I was able to stay fairly strong, I raised my voice but didn't yell, and I kept my hands to myself.

Sounds like you did ok, at least you said most of what you wanted to get across to her. If things don't change, at least you know you tried and you should feel good about that. It looks like she still needs more time to grow up. Don't beat yourself over about this.

Originally Posted by libby74

She did finally admit that she had lied to her friends about her Dad and me being racist (I don't think I've ever mentioned before that her boyfriend is of a mixed background); that was one of the ways she was getting sympathy from her friends, by telling them about how racist her parents are.

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That sounds like a small victory if you ask me! She came clean about something, and that is a definite plus.

It's a shame that she hasn't grown up enough to work with you to heal your relationship, but it sounds like you did very well. Well done. Fingers crossed that with more time she'll come to realise exactly what she's risking by acting this way, and you can have another chat and talk things out.

You'll be in my thoughts.

It's a start! More importantly - YOU DID GOOD! I know it was short, but you've proven to yourself that YOU MATTER, and YOU CAN DO THIS.

But for the first time in everything you've been through with her - it struck me when she insisted she hadn't lied (other than telling her friends you're racist ) - and just sat there looking at you when you started listing all the things she's lied about... has she ever been to a psychiatrist? I don't remember you mentioning it, and I'm wondering if she has an actual personality disorder of some kind?