Baby Shower Etiquette

So both my SILs are pregnant and due within like 3 weeks of each other. Ugh the drama Im so sick of it. Anyways a couple of things were brought to my attention and Id like to kinda get some opinions on how ya'll feel about it.

First...WHO is supposed to throw the shower? According to a pregnancy website I found they say a friend is supposed to throw the shower not the mom or MIL. Well the MIL is a huge drama starter and if shes not in control of everything she lashes out and really really hits below the belt to people who have nothing to do with what happened....I took the hit last year over something petty and stupid and her and I are still trying to get back on even footing.

2. If your SIL had a baby before you and a big deal was made that you MUST be included and have a large role in the shower (even though you dont get along and its well known) would you reciprocate the gesture when it comes to your own baby shower?

3. Is it ok to have a baby shower for each pregnancy? (My answer was yes if its not her 10th kid)

4. This is for myself....How the heck do I get out of these darn showers???? LOL Seriously Im like monkey in the middle and between the big fight last year and issues with SMIL I just dont want to have anything to do with either because Im over it. I dont dislike or like the one SIL and Im getting back on good terms with the other one, her and I used to be really really close. Also another question for myself. I had planned on making coordinating blanket for them with their favorite colors based on the sex of the baby but because they are both due within 3 weeks of each other and Im going to find out about the shower at the last minute should I just go ahead and make neutral blankets and then make little bibs, booties type stuff thats easier when I find out the sex? I dont want to rush rush rush with these blankets and Id rather make something nice instead of something easy because Im pressed for time. Im always the last one in the loop because noone tells me anything even though Ive stated from the moment I found out they were pregnant that I NEED to know ASAP what the sex is. Argh darn women...lol

I feel your pain - I have cousins who I'm not terribly close to who had all of their children at 5 month intervals.

1. I think the shower can honestly be thrown by whoever wants to throw it. I know people who've had family showers (thrown by a family member and friend showers (thrown by a close friend) so I don't think there's much of a push either way.

2. Tough one...I'd probably decline the large role in their shower, simply stating that I was really busy at work and wasn't able to commit the time the party deserved (I also live far away from most of my extended family so this might be easier for me)...I personally wouldn't feel obligated to include anyone unless I wanted them involved, but I'm strongly of the opinion that planning something like this is a gift of time and gifts don't come with strings attached (like having someone tell you who MUST be a part of something)

3. Most people only have a shower (in my experience) for the first child, since the theory is to give the new mom everything they don't have for the baby and presumably by the second, they already have it. That being said, it depends on the people. I helped throw a shower for a colleague's 3rd because there was a 9 year age gap between her 2nd and 3rd and she hadn't kept anything because she'd originally only planned on 2 children.

4. As the crocheter in the family - ask them once more then go with generic colours if you don't get an answer. You don't want to be scrambling the night before the shower. The other thing you can do is make the blankets up and trim them in the gender colours once you find out because trim is faster to add than a whole blanket.

Hope that was at least a little help.

Hope I don't offend anyone by this - but I'm really getting sick and tired of people and their showers.

Years ago - showers were something I looked forward to, and now, I just dread them. From the second a marriage or pregnancy is announced I immediately start dreading all of the upcoming festivities. Don't get me wrong - I'm happy for those who are being celebrated. I guess it's just all the constant drama of all of it. The high expectations and unrealistic demands of the bride/mom to be that suck all of the fun of out it. Or, the high expectations or unrealstic expectations of family members who ruin it for everyone. It's not nobody is grateful anymore for what others are doing for them.

A few friends and I chipped in for a shower about 10 yeasr ago for a good friend of mine after NOBODY from her very large family, or her husbands extended family bothered and it became clear my friend wouldn't be having a shower if someone didn't step in. it was her first baby, too. Between her, and her mother demanding the best, most expensive things at the shower it was appalling. Really jaded me from the whole thing. I actually ended up not having my own bridal shower because I just didn't want the stress on me, my fiance, friends or family!

It seems like every few months I hear yet another shower horror story!

I really dislike showers; time was, I enjoyed them and have thrown quite a few, but now it seems as if everyone needs a shower for every event in their lives.

Proper etiquette says that the Mom or MIL should not host the shower, be it baby or bridal. Sisters and SILs, cousins, friends, aunts---they are the ones who should take it upon themselves to give the shower. My SIL just gave a baby shower for her son's fiance, even tho' the girl has tons of family---and that was the only shower anyone hosted. I've always heard/read that a baby shower is only for the first baby. (my Mom had her first and only baby shower with her 5th baby; go figure)

When it comes to couples who have lived together before their marriage, I find gift showers in poor taste; it seems as if they usually register for 'luxury' items that I can't even afford for myself.

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

First...WHO is supposed to throw the shower?

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Anyone can host it, sometimes a person can have more than one baby shower, too.

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

2. If your SIL had a baby before you and a big deal was made that you MUST be included and have a large role in the shower (even though you dont get along and its well known) would you reciprocate the gesture when it comes to your own baby shower?

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That's up to the host(ess), but if asked, you should request whatever makes you happy. Usually the guest of honor simply shows up, eats food, plays games, then gets help loading the gifts into the car.

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

3. Is it ok to have a baby shower for each pregnancy? (My answer was yes if its not her 10th kid)

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Sure it's okay, it's just a party; invitations can always be declined.

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

4. This is for myself....How the heck do I get out of these darn showers????

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Any excuse will work except the real one, but sometimes it's easier to show up for a short time anyway, if your absence will cause family problems.

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

I just go ahead and make neutral blankets and then make little bibs, booties type stuff thats easier when I find out the sex?

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That sounds like a perfect solution!


I got pregnant shortly after moving to Massachusetts, where my husband and I didn't know a soul. Three lovely women that I sort-of-knew at Harvard took me out to lunch and gave me gifts of a little sleeper and stuffed animal for the baby. That was my baby shower and I was really touched that they did that!

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

2. If your SIL had a baby before you and a big deal was made that you MUST be included and have a large role in the shower (even though you dont get along and its well known) would you reciprocate the gesture when it comes to your own baby shower?

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I would tell the host my genuine thoughts. Tell the host you are not that close with your SIL, and bring up someone you know who IS close to her (so it looks like you are thinking of her happiness first, not your desire to stay aloof). Also, tell them about how you don't have time because of personal or work commitments. If they get offended, go into a tirade about how they are holding back the ideals of the entire female gender by asking you to put your SIL's maternity before your own career (no masochism intended in that last sentence, just humor).

As for reciprocation, it's YOUR shower. You should invite your friends and close family to help out first, and save a minor 'honorary' role for your SIL if you feel some sort of reciprocation is in order. There is no reason them forcing

You could just move across the country like I did, then you have no more of those pesky obligations!

I know, it sounds bad, but I got out of several showers that way. I just sent gifts (which I wanted to do, because I amclose to the 2 people who've had baby/bridal showers since I moved; I didn't feel like I had to). But it was nice not to have to go and plan or sit through it.

And then for other family functions, well, hey, it's time off, it's a pricey flight, I'll see if I can work it out. Sometimes I make it work, sometimes I don't, and if anyone gets annoyed, well those are the people who I really don't care if I annoy. The others, the cool family and friends, they understand.

Originally Posted by libby74

I really dislike showers; time was, I enjoyed them and have thrown quite a few, but now it seems as if everyone needs a shower for every event in their lives.

Proper etiquette says that the Mom or MIL should not host the shower, be it baby or bridal. Sisters and SILs, cousins, friends, aunts---they are the ones who should take it upon themselves to give the shower. My SIL just gave a baby shower for her son's fiance, even tho' the girl has tons of family---and that was the only shower anyone hosted. I've always heard/read that a baby shower is only for the first baby. (my Mom had her first and only baby shower with her 5th baby; go figure)

When it comes to couples who have lived together before their marriage, I find gift showers in poor taste; it seems as if they usually register for 'luxury' items that I can't even afford for myself.

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I agree. I'm old fashioned. I agree with Dr. Laura that a "fiance" is not a fiance unless there is a ring and a date and an intention to be married. Anything less is a shack-up. It certainly isn't the baby's fault if his parents are not married, but I'm not so sure that a shower is appropriate either. I'd just deliver a gift if I was friends or family of the pregnant one, but I don't feel that a shower is in good taste.

I know brides and Mom's to be have thrown their own showers.

However, it's typically a sister, close friend or family member. But there is no standard.

If you want to throw one, speak up and say that you are planning a shower and hand them an invite!

You can also throw showers that are "friends only", "family only" or "Jack and Jill" where both men and women are invited. After all having a baby isn't just a female thing anymore. Many men consider themselves "pregnant" when their partner is expecting. And there is also "Paternity Leave" so that men can get time off after the birth of their child.

My mom is throwing my shower for my close friends and family. I am the first of my close friends to have a baby and most of my family lives about 90 miles north of me, so the shower will be held in the town I grew up in. Other than that, I'm staying out of it. My MIL is helping my mom. I figured this is a great opportunity for them to bond.

My coworkers are throwing me a shower at work, which isn't necessary but definitely sweet. I figure if I had a shower in my city, I'd just do one big one where everyone can go, but I really can't see most of my friends at work driving to Gary. But again, other than that, I'm staying out of it.

And as a mother-to-be, I wouldn't feel bad or slighted if an in-law I'm not close with decided not to participate in my shower. I'm sure the feelings that you have go both ways, otherwise you two might be closer.

Then again...women who are pregnant are not necessarily known for their emotional stability, so please keep that in mind. I must be an exception to that rule, because at 7 months I'm still not seeing any mood swings.

As with bridal showers, traditional ettiquette says that anyone but the family should host the shower. A family asking for gifts for another family member is considered rather gold-diggerish.

Originally Posted by emrldsky

I must be an exception to that rule, because at 7 months I'm still not seeing any mood swings.

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The real question is, does your husband see any mood swings?

Originally Posted by rad65

The real question is, does your husband see any mood swings?

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Good point, lol. He swears I'm less moody now than I was before I was pregnant. The fact that I didn't whack him for saying so, proves to me that he must be right (just this once).

1. My mother threw my shower here. My Aunts each threw me a shower too up where the family lives. My friend who recently had a baby had her shower thrown by her MIL. (Her mom passed several years ago). So I say whoever WANTS to should. If no one is volunteering I'd do it out of guilt though....

2. Yes I would reciprocate. It takes a lot of work and it's another way to show your appreciation.

3. I think it is ok. It's most helpful with the first or if your kids are separated by quite a bit of time. Like my friend from above. Her oldest is 7 and a girl; she just had a boy. She doesn't have things from her daughter left around at this point. Plus there are always gifts of things like diapers and I like the idea of the new baby having some special things that were all their own. It's a nice opportunity to do some keepsake gifts instead of practical ones. Things like pacis, teethers and bottle-nipples all would need to be replaced for a second or third baby too.

4. I have no idea!! Maybe ask around the family to see if anyone is interested in at least hosting 1 of them? It stinks; but look at is as a gift to your new nieces/nephews! And as for the blankets; I'd do the neural ones. Are you crocheting the blankets or making little quilts? Either way you could do some trim in a non-neutral and get most of the work done ahead of time that way maybe?

Originally Posted by emrldsky

Then again...women who are pregnant are not necessarily known for their emotional stability, so please keep that in mind. I must be an exception to that rule, because at 7 months I'm still not seeing any mood swings.

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Oh; and I didn't have mood swings too much during my pregnancy...but in the year since....Lord Help Us ALL!!! Ok maybe it's normal in the first few weeks postpartum...but still? And I know from a baby board I go on; it's not just me! The worst is when I get mad because I've had a mood swing which makes the mood swing worse....Did that even make sense? LOL

Originally Posted by 3CatsN1Dog

How the heck do I get out of these darn showers?

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Head ache, fever, sore throat, ear infections, stomach aches. My cousin had 3 kids, 1 right after the other. Birthday parties are 1 thing, but parties because he burped, parties because she peed give me a break. That's when I began to celebrate head aches, fevers, sore throats, ear infections (most of the time those were real actually. I always get ear infections) and stomach aches.

Thanks for all the replies.

This whole baby epidemic really has me just argh right now mostly because of the bickering going on and the she said she said going on.

I am truely truely happy for the one SIL because they have tried over a year to get pregnant and had to go the route of IVF for this baby. So of course Im happy for them but at the same time while I feel obligated to attend her shower I think that since such a big deal was made about her having a huge role in the other SIL's shower then the other SIL should be involved even in a small way however the prego SIL pushes family away. Fortunately (well and unfortunately) the other SIL is like whatever and doesnt really care about being involved. Its just my personal feelings that she should step up and be involved.

Im starting to think that Im going to go neutral for the blankets to atleast get a head start on them and then add something gender coordinated to it. But at the same time I already planned mentally what I would do for boy or girl for both SIL's and part of me would rather just say look ya'll didnt give me enough time to finish the blanket (they both know thats what Im doing) so you'll get it before the baby is born. Ill figure it out though.

I know that even though I dont want to go to either shower Im going to end up going because Im not going to alienate them and Im going to be the bigger person and not let the petty crap start drama...if I can help it.



Part of all this coming to a head is that both BF (well actually fiance now...we just havent blabbed to anyone but my family and his family) and I are starting to have the "we are getting older what is our plan for the next couple years type deal. We already have everything set that we want to get married on 11/11/11 (11 is our number) however its like UGH because family members are pressuring about having a real wedding. The thing that they dont understand is that dressing up for one day and pretending to be who we arent just isnt us. We are jeans and hoodies, sweats and ratty shirts type people. We are laid back watching the boob tube at night type people. We dont go out and when we do its generally alone and to McDonalds. We just dont want a real wedding we want a comfy jeans and nice shirt (maybe) courthouse deal. And as most of you know we went thru DUI court and we would both like our treatment court judge to be the one to perform the technical ceremony. Family members just dont seem to grasp that and Im putting my foot down IM NOT WEARING A DRESS!!!! I dont like to shave my legs or honestly anything if I dont feel like it and I dont see a point of faking fancy smancyness for one day that is supposed to start the rest of our lives...Why start it off fake!!

The other reason the whole baby thing has come to head is because we are having the 'baby talk'. Do we or dont we. The baby talk has been coming to head for a year and we really had to sit down and think it thru and after making our decision we started thinking about how other people would feel....Well we came to a conclusion about that and if we did have a kid then they can kiss off because they arent paying for it, we dont want or expect anything from anyone else and dang it its our decision they are not a part of it. I actually had a really crappy day yesterday because I was talking to someone who I thought really was a friend, honestly outside of here my only friend and she basically stated that we need to buy a house before having a baby!! Well what the heck is wrong with our house, so what its a trailer but we have busted our butts for the past two years replacing all the windows, making some minor and major fixes and we are PROUD of what we have done. Why is it nessecary that we rush into buying a house that doesnt meet all the needs or requirements we have in a house. I will not settle for a crappy kitchen and we do require a garage (a workable garage not a parking garage) and plenty of space for all the other cars we have hear that Bf is working on the side. Why should we settle for something that doesnt meet our needs. When she said that I just felt like poop, like everything we have done isnt good enough, like we are lacking because we arent superficial!!!! Im sorry I dont feel a need to go to the mall and spend spend spend every weekend. Im sorry that I value something hand made over a high end label store bought item. Im sorry that I feel there is NOTHING wrong with buying clothes at Wal-Mart off the clearence rack...Im so very sorry that I feel there is NOTHING wrong with purchasing baby furniture from a consignment shop or Good Will or off CraigsList...Excuse me for being thrifty and economically thinking about areas I can sacrifice in if we did decide to have a baby!! I really felt like a giant LOSER after this happened yesterday and I really wish that I wasnt marrying into this family but you cant choose your family and you can choose your friends and I choose now to not have her as a friend.


Argh seriously what is wrong with people...OMG this is turning into a rant now..Sorry bear with me because theres one more tangent I am gonna go off on before I shut myself up.

Same person who said about buying a house......she is a stay at home mom with a soon to be year old baby and pregnant...Her husband works in a good job to support her (and her greedy shopping habits) so you would think being a stay at home mom she would cook clean etc....Yeah NOOOOOOOPE. This is disagree with Im sorry but if your husband, boyfriend, fiance whatever works hard everyday to support you and pay the bills and basically give you everything you want you darn well better have dinner on the table I dont care if its a 5 star meal or hot dogs and mac and cheese, laundry better be done, the floors better be clean dang it. I think its a bunch of malarkey for the person who works and supports the other to also be the one who does the cooking, does the cleaning, takes care of the baby at night and then to top it off takes the other shopping on such a flipping regular basis!!!


And BF wonders why I choose to not talk to people and live on forums all day long!! Hello can we say happily crazy cat lady here and PROUD OF IT!

Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

I agree. I'm old fashioned. I agree with Dr. Laura that a "fiance" is not a fiance unless there is a ring and a date and an intention to be married. Anything less is a shack-up. It certainly isn't the baby's fault if his parents are not married, but I'm not so sure that a shower is appropriate either. I'd just deliver a gift if I was friends or family of the pregnant one, but I don't feel that a shower is in good taste.

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I'm glad someone else brought that up; I was afraid I'd open a big old can of worms!
That's one reason I didn't attend the baby shower for my nephew's fiance. This was her 2nd pregnancy while using birth control (supposedly), she told everyone she knows that she was trying to get pregnant, there is no ring, no date, and the wedding plans have been put on hold indefinitely (she's thinking of going to a community college, and she'll get tons of grants and freebies if she's a single Mom). I love my new little great-nephew, but I felt as if attending the shower was like saying I'm ok with the whole situation---which I'm not. I sent a gift card with someone who did attend and, 4 months later, I've yet to receive a "thank you".

Oh, another etiquette thing about showers. Shower for the first baby only. Subsequent babies will already have a crib, stroller, clothing from the first go around.

Same goes for bridal showers. Fancy shower for the first wedding. If they end up divorced and remarrying at a later date, no shower.

The idea of a shower is to establish the person with things that they don't have, to give them a start.

If I'm invited to a second baby shower for the same woman, I graciously decline. The same for wedding showers for the same woman.

Originally Posted by libby74

I'm glad someone else brought that up; I was afraid I'd open a big old can of worms!
That's one reason I didn't attend the baby shower for my nephew's fiance. This was her 2nd pregnancy while using birth control (supposedly), she told everyone she knows that she was trying to get pregnant, there is no ring, no date, and the wedding plans have been put on hold indefinitely (she's thinking of going to a community college, and she'll get tons of grants and freebies if she's a single Mom). I love my new little great-nephew, but I felt as if attending the shower was like saying I'm ok with the whole situation---which I'm not. I sent a gift card with someone who did attend and, 4 months later, I've yet to receive a "thank you".

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There shouldn't be a shower for a second baby. Shower for the first one only, in order to get the women established with baby-related items for that birth and subsequent ones.

And so far as no thank you card....are you surprised? I wouldn't expect one at this late stage either. So many people lack the manners and courtesy of sending out a simple thank you card.