My friend's biological clock!

Originally Posted by LDG

I'm going to be 48 (I think LOL) in a month, and I cannot begin to imagine caring for a baby.

I don't know that what they're doing is selfish, though personally, I can't relate to it at all. I've never felt any strong urge to have a child and though I love Gary dearly, his gene pool in particular is a real crap shoot. I'm with Marianne and Mariya on this one. We adopted a daughter, and weren't even planning on that one. If they want kids, fine. But to go so far as to use a surrogate - when there are so many children that already need homes?

I can't wrap my mind around that one, though I'm not sure it's selfish. To me it's just weird.

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Originally Posted by NorthernGlow

This is my main concern. It's not really the age, unless it affects the parents' ability to take care of the child or the health of the child, but the fact that people just want to reproduce without sparing a minute of their time wondering what their child would be like. I can't think of a more selfish thing to do than have a child just because you want and can. If i could have chosen, i wouldn't have been born.

It's one of the reasons why I will never have kids, I don't want them to have these crappy genes just because I want a kid. For example I just watched this documentary last night about a girl who had disfigured face and limbs because of some disease. She went to meet other people with the same condition and there was this man who had a son, both of them had the disease. I wonder if the child liked being bullied at school, stared at, and very unlikely to ever get a girlfriend, just because his daddy wanted a kid at any cost.
I also know people who just had to have kids, and knowingly passed on a serious disease which will be (and is) affecting the (now grown up) childrens lives. It runs in the family, every generation as far as they know.

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These two closely resemble my thoughts...

Realize ,I was adopted ( birth mother was likely a mid to upper teen not sure as she is dead now with 99% certainty... I was told by my Mom she was young too young to have me)..... My Mom was 36 when I was born my dad 42... Moms only child , Dads third girl.... I was raised by Mom as Dad ran off with someone else... My grandma was 70 when I was born and did most of the raising ( THANK YOU GOD for that Small favor)


At 12 I was the main caregiver for my Grandma ...... At 22 Moms COPD was to the point of Oxygen, thus at 23 I moved back to Mom to care for her ... At 30 she died .... That detour turned school into multiple jobs I could work while caring for her...

My life was definitely not horrible but I would not wish it on any one ... But I will say when talking with folks my age I go really ... I spent my youth caring for my ailing "parents" .... Luckily ,I decided no kids ( had 50% decided no kids prior to)at 23 I was diagnosed with COPD and at 26 with a immune disorder that between the 2 if I see 40 it will be a miracle ... I would not for a milli second consider bringing a child into my world with my genes .... I adopted instead a house full of furry kids with poop English skills....

Originally Posted by EnzoLeya

I think it's totally selfish, and absolutely insane that she was even able to have it. Sometimes the advancement of science is not for the best.

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That is a good point btw, yes, with fertility drugs one can have children into quite old age, but that doesn't reduce the risks to the development of the fetus, especially chromosomal.

A 45 year old mother statistically has FORTY TWO TIMES the likelihood of the child having Down Syndrome than a 25 year old.

Think about that, not twice the risk or five times the risk or even ten times the risk... FORTY TWO! Is it really fair to roll the dice like that, when there are more healthy babies than homes already?

Originally Posted by Ducman69

That is a good point btw, yes, with fertility drugs one can have children into quite old age, but that doesn't reduce the risks to the development of the fetus, especially chromosomal.

A 45 year old mother statistically has FORTY TWO TIMES the likelihood of the child having Down Syndrome than a 25 year old.

Think about that, not twice the risk or five times the risk or even ten times the risk... FORTY TWO! Is it really fair to roll the dice like that, when there are more healthy babies than homes already?

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She used donor eggs, not her own eggs. So that risk of Down's was on the lower side of the 25 year old.

Her own eggs had dried up do to her advanced age. There is a reason that nature "dries up eggs" in menopausal women. It's so they can't have more children. The use of donor eggs skirts that.

She had double digit pregnancies/miscarriages and several D&C procedures prior to being able to carry that baby to term.

Originally Posted by EnzoLeya

Oh and I just wanted to add, this lady is 50, not 30 or even 40. .

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Oh but there are plently of people who don't think "those" should be having kids either

So if they decide to have another child, they'd be using donor eggs and likely a surrogate? This I REALLY don't get. At this point why do they not adopt????

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

My parents were older when I was born. My Mom 36 and my Dad 59. As much as I loved them, I wish they had me much earlier in their lives, or chose not to have kids at all. Growing up with aging parents when I was a teenager was very difficult. Not that my Mom was aging, but she developed a great deal of health issues that I was responsible to care for at the ripe young age of 14 years old until her death.

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If your parents had procreated earlier on, it would have been a different sperm and a different egg and you wouldn't have been born. Do you really prefer to not have been born at all?

My parents are older too, but I don't resent them for it. I'm grateful that they gave me life.

Originally Posted by LDG

So if they decide to have another child, they'd be using donor eggs and likely a surrogate? This I REALLY don't get. At this point why do they not adopt????

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Yes. They will use donor eggs, his sperm and IVF. If she can't carry the fetus, they will then turn to a surrogate.

She will try to carry the fetus herself first. Only after they have tried that, will they turn to a surrogate. So that will add months more to the process. She is 49 as of Dec 31/10. She told me later this year... she will be nearly 50 then. So she will likely be 51/52 before they have that second baby.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Yes. They will use donor eggs, his sperm and IVF. If she can't carry the fetus, they will then turn to a surrogate.

She will try to carry the fetus herself first. Only after they have tried that, will they turn to a surrogate. So that will add months more to the process. She is 49 as of Dec 31/10. She told me later this year... she will be nearly 50 then. So she will likely be 51/52 before they have that second baby.

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And they want to spend all that money trying to do THAT rather than spend it on the child they are blessed to have NOW?!? I just don't get it..

I bet if they saved all the money they were spending on conceiving another child and put it in a fund for the baby, when the baby was all grown, it would have a hefty nest egg..

This is a touchy subject for some..I know that without even reading further. I have a good friend who is raising her grand-daughter as her own (adopted her at birth) and she is now 57 with an 11 year old. However, she is a wonderful mom and her daughter is thriving. I do worry about her dd when the time comes for her to pass. Hopefully she will live a very long life, but nothing is guaranteed.

My best friend just lost her dad to cancer. My friend is 31 - her dad was 85. She actually has a brother that is 5 years younger than here too. It is sad to lose a parent when you are just 25 years old. My friend has struggled with the age of her parents all her life and because of this, she made the personal choice to not have children after 30.

I started having kids at 19 and I can tell you that was no picnic either. I am settled now in finances and such, but when I was 19, I was in college, living in an apartment with a car that ran half the time. At one point, we took out food stamps so my ex husband could get through college. I worked part time as a waitress while I finished getting my Bachelor's degree. It was a rough time in life...but we got through it and now I am 31 with an 11 year old and a 7 year old. Life is BUSY to say the least!

Originally Posted by pushylady

From what I understood of Linda's post (and yes I could be wrong) the people were actually against adoption not just unable to.
Yes I understand the biological imperative to wanting one own's offspring, but going that nightmarish IVF route in order to get that child appalled me. It bothers me so much because as a childfree woman I have had to endure hearing all sorts of crap about selfishness blah blah blah, but a woman like this gets understanding. Talk about selfish- she could adopt a baby (granted not a white North American baby

) and be a parent, but no she has to have her own. She sounds like she's in a great position to be a parent too, regardless of the whole energy question, and she could make such a positive impact by adopting.

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This post says everything I could say in response! Including the childfree part and how we are always always always pegged as selfish, but this is very selfish. Basically "I want a baby......., but it has to be MINE, and I'm going to blow thousands and thousands to have it".


As for age, my mom was 27 and my dad was 45 when I was born. My grandmother has a neighbor who had IVF, and she gave birth to triplets at 51.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Thank you! That's my entire point.

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This has been an interesting topic to bring up for discussion....I hope that's what you meant when you started it. I read the title "My friends biological clock" and after reading the initial post, I just wanted to add to the title, in my head. "My friend's biological clock...IS.NONE.OF.MY.BUSINESS (or anyone elses)"
lol!

Originally Posted by spudsmom

This has been an interesting topic to bring up for discussion....I hope that's what you meant when you started it. I read the title "My friends biological clock" and after reading the initial post, I just wanted to add to the title, in my head. "My friend's biological clock...IS.NONE.OF.MY.BUSINESS (or anyone elses)"
lol!

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I agree, if they can provide a good home for a child, both emotionally and financially then more power to them. Some people would rather wait until they are a bit older for kids. A very close friend of mine is 22 but his dad is 74. But his age has never stopped him from being there for his kids, providing for his kids, or loving his kids.
And no matter how old you are, its not going to hurt anyone less or more to lose a parent.

Originally Posted by spudsmom

This has been an interesting topic to bring up for discussion....I hope that's what you meant when you started it. I read the title "My friends biological clock" and after reading the initial post, I just wanted to add to the title, in my head. "My friend's biological clock...IS.NONE.OF.MY.BUSINESS (or anyone elses)"
lol!

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We're all entitled to our opinions. Mine just happens to be that she's too old to be having babies now. You might not agree, but that's ok

While it may not be "our business" per se, I personally am concerned about the child who already exists along with potential future children of this couple and their welfare when they become older. Bringing a living breathing person into the world isn't something you take lightly and it can affect the child in question, affect the population itself and the population's standard of living JUST because someone just HAD to have children because they just wanted them sooo much.

I have a mum friend who just had her first child at age 49. She's very fit and healthy, and a fantastic mother. I agree that she may not be there to see her daughter get old, but given how many bad and even very average parents there are out there, her daughter will be lucky to have her, no matter how long it is.

I have 3 children and I would like another one in the next couple of years. My mil had her last son at 40, she has 3 others who are obviously older, her youngest is 9 and her eldest is my dh who is 30. I have noticed that she seems to have a lot less time for her youngest and he basically is left to get on with it, I think it is down to her age to be honest. One of my friends had a failed ivf attempt and they are trying again soon, they are both 40. I think 40 is possibly ok but when you get to 50+ then no way, not in my opinion anyway, I know how hard it is to raise children and you need alot of energy, mentally and physically and I think as you get older you don't have this. x

I am 44 and although I would love to have another baby, I know my body and stamina could not handle it.

If someone is fit and very active at that age..go for it. I can't. I have some severe back problems that even now influences what I can do with my 8 year old.

Originally Posted by Lady Rowan

JUST because someone just HAD to have children because they just wanted them sooo much.

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Wow. I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking.

I want children of my own, I don't give a sh!t if it takes until I'm 40. As a human with rights, and a woman this is important to me and my husband.

Honestly, I won't feel whole if I am not able to have a child that comes from me and my husband. Maybe some people are cut out to adopt, and maybe some aren't.

People are allowed to want a baby SO much, it is one of our basic instincts as humans...well even any species!

I feel like your post is demeaning something very important to some people.

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Wow. I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking.

I want children of my own, I don't give a sh!t if it takes until I'm 40. As a human with rights, and a woman this is important to me and my husband.

Honestly, I won't feel whole if I am not able to have a child that comes from me and my husband. Maybe some people are cut out to adopt, and maybe some aren't.

People are allowed to want a baby SO much, it is one of our basic instincts as humans...well even any species!

I feel like your post is demeaning something very important to some people.

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I don't feel like it is demeaning since it is my opinion. I am not telling anyone that they must think this way. I personally am not having children of my own. I have too many neurological issues that run in my genes and as a responsible woman (or so I feel like one) I am choosing not to have children to prevent a future human being/s suffering. Maybe if I didn't have all my issues I might, but I feel there is a reason I have these issues and I am not meant to produce a child who will most likely end up with some of them. Having a child affects the population as a whole. It is very lucky the woman in the OP had a child that wasn't born with a disorder (i.e. Downs or some other such syndrome) as after a certain age in pregnant women, it is known to have more of a chance of occurring. It's not that don't believe people with certain disorders or syndromes aren't loveable enough either, but how can you justify having a child KNOWING certain things could result? No matter WHAT results? IMO, THAT'S what is selfish, not to think of the CHILD in question. In most scenarios, children come out perfectly "normal" (if there is such a thing), but it is about the special cases, as in this scenario I am talking about. It can affect a whole population of people too (the birth of a child, whether it is in a positive or negative way).

Originally Posted by Trouts mom

Wow. I don't know how to put into words what I'm thinking.

I want children of my own, I don't give a sh!t if it takes until I'm 40. As a human with rights, and a woman this is important to me and my husband.

Honestly, I won't feel whole if I am not able to have a child that comes from me and my husband. Maybe some people are cut out to adopt, and maybe some aren't.

People are allowed to want a baby SO much, it is one of our basic instincts as humans...well even any species!

I feel like your post is demeaning something very important to some people.

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thank you... I just don't get this either.... I just feel like it is a shame that people think they have the right to judge someone for their innermost feelings and dreams of motherhood... What is this, and where are we? This is really a shame IMHO... It is her life, her dreams... Her choice. Why is she obligated to adopt? This whole discussion just baffles me. I, on my end, just send her tons of vibes for a healthy pregnancy and baby, and a wonderful future for her child and family!