Need Advice on How to Handle My Mother(sorry, kind of long)

You all have been so understanding and helpful when I've had to vent about my daughter this past year. I hate throwing another problem at you, but this has really bothered me and I'm afraid I'm going to let my hurt feelings really make a mess of things.

Let me preface this by saying that (as far as I'm concerned) my Mom and I have never been close. I do ask her advice occasionally, and in the last year the drama with my daughter has led me to Mom to vent and to cry. I always figured that she had my back, as it were.

In the last couple of months, I've had the distinct feeling that, when I would complain about my daughter, Mom didn't really believe me. One day not too long ago I pointed that out to her. Her reply was, "Well, I thought you were exaggerating." When I asked her why she thought I would do that she didn't have an answer. Two weeks ago I pointed out something that I knew for a fact my daughter had lied about---to my Mom---for months. Mom's reply---"She must be a good liar, then!" When I reminded her that yes, she was a good liar and I'd been telling her (Mom) that for at least 10 years, I got a blank stare.

I've let Mom know for months now that I was angry that my daughter hadn't been in touch with her grandparents, all of whom are in their 80s and have always adored her. Each time Mom just sat there, didn't say a word. On Christmas night, I had 2 different people tell me that my daughter had, in fact, been visiting my Mom for a couple of months. (she hasn't seen Dave's folks, just my Mom) I wasn't surprised about the visits, but I was stunned that Mom would let me complain-repeatedly-and never once tell me that my daughter was seeing her.

I feel as if my Mom has totally let me down, and has even taken my daughter's side over mine. To me, a lie by omission is still a lie. Knowing that being lied to makes me angrier than anything, I don't understand how she could do this.

I have to let her know that I'm aware of her deceit, but I am absolutely awful about confronting someone. But, if I don't say something I know this will fester until my head explodes. The plan I came up with is to get all my daughter's tax papers together and take them to my Mom's house. I will then tell her, "Give these to ____the next time she comes over", then leave and let Mom think about things.

I truly am not angry that my daughter is seeing my Mom; I do feel as if I've been betrayed. Am I over-reacting? Does the tax-paper idea make sense? I need to somehow let Mom know it's the deceit that angers me; if anyone has a better idea, I'm all ears.

Thanks for letting me vent---again.

Oh wow Libby, I'd be ticked too. I know it is much easier to suggest confrontation than to actually do confront the person. I think what you are going to here from your mother is that your dau asked her not to tell you about the visits. If you can't face her in person, then I would write it down and email or send it to her. I'd let her know that you know about the visits, and that you are very hurt that she chose to keep that information from you. I'd let her know that you feel betrayed and hurt by her silence. And then I would offer her the opportunity to explain her actions to you.

I can understand your mother not wanting to take sides - her daughter vs. her granddaughter. But she could possibly be the intermediary to get your relationship with your daughter back on track. But YOU need to know that she understands about the lying and the other problems, and isn't just taking your daughter's word for how everything went down.

Anyway, that's my suggestion. Write it all down, all your concerns, all your feelings of betrayal, everything. Send it to her and let her take it from there.

Hoping 2011 is the year to resolve all these family issues for you hun. You deserve some peace in all this.

Leslie

Thanks Leslie; unfortunately, I do have to face Mom in person. Since my Dad passed away, I've become Mom's 'keeper'---she doesn't drive, I live 5 blocks from her, I'm the only daughter that lives in town---everything has fallen on me. I see her 2 times a week, the next time will be Monday when I'll be taking her on her errands.

I know what Mom's explaination will be; my sister is one of the people that gave me this info and she said Mom thought I'd be mad. She should know better since I've been complaining about my daughter NOT staying in contact with her grandparents. For some reason, I see this as my daughter trying to gain an upper hand somehow, pitting Mom and me against each other. She knows Mom loves her, she knows Mom is gullible and naive, and I think she's up to something. I just need a way to let Mom know that I do know what's going on and that I will not put up with being lied to.

Dave tells me I should just tell Mom to have our daughter take her on her errands and not bother doing it myself anymore. You have no idea how appealling that sounds, but it doesn't really solve anythng.

Thanks for the support, dear. Sometimes I just need a cyber-hug, you know?

It sounds like your mother has managed not to get in the middle of this so far and has tried to be there for both of you. Can you imagine how hard that must be for her?
Don't drag her into it, don't guilt trip her or be snippy. She's your mom, the only one you have and it sounds like she really does love and care about you.

You can let her know that you wished she would have told you, but honestly I wouldn't take it any further than that. You're just going to have to accept that not everyone is going to completely take your side, that they love your daughter too, and that they're not out to get you. Don't let your hurt over what's happened with your daughter push everyone else in your life away. You'll get lonely awfully fast.

As for letting your daughter take over your mother's errands... is she even remotely responsible enough to? If she's there and your mother needs a quick ride somewhere, she can ask her herself.

If I remember correctly from some of your other posts, you have told your daughter to stay away from you and her Dad and the rest of the family, which I assume meant your Mom too.

The fact that your daughter has been secretly visiting with your Mom is likely the result of neither of them wanting to rock the boat so to speak. You don't want your Daughter seeing anyone in the family, and it seems your Mom still wants to see your daughter and vice versa. So to avoid making waves, they opted to keep it a secret.

I wouldn't be too upset about this. It was likely done in order to avoid anger and hurt feelings.

The important thing is that she is no longer living under your roof, abusing your love, and taking advantage of you and your husband.

My family went through something similar. When my brother divorced his wife, her and I remained friends. He gave me a whole lot of grief over that and it caused some problems between us. But I told him straight out, that he may have divorced her, but that doesn't mean that I am going to.

Human relationships are complicated. We can't control what someone else does, but we can control how we react to it.

If your Mom is willing to give her the chance, and your daughter is not doing anything to hurt your Mom, then let them have their relationship. It might work to your favour. In time, maybe your daughter will come around and see all of the hurt that she has been causing to you and your husband, and so many others.

Originally Posted by strange_wings

It sounds like your mother has managed not to get in the middle of this so far and has tried to be there for both of you. Can you imagine how hard that must be for her?
Don't drag her into it, don't guilt trip her or be snippy. She's your mom, the only one you have and it sounds like she really does love and care about you.

You can let her know that you wished she would have told you, but honestly I wouldn't take it any further than that. You're just going to have to accept that not everyone is going to completely take your side, that they love your daughter too, and that they're not out to get you. Don't let your hurt over what's happened with your daughter push everyone else in your life away. You'll get lonely awfully fast.

As for letting your daughter take over your mother's errands... is she even remotely responsible enough to?

If she's there and your mother needs a quick ride somewhere, she can ask her herself.

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This is very sage advice! You were typing at the same time I was so I didn't see it when I made my reply above.

Oh dear it does seem like she is playing one against another so to speak

But I think your mam kept it from you to save another argument and rift

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

This is very sage advice! You were typing at the same time I was so I didn't see it when I made my reply above.

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I just hope I didn't word it too bluntly.

I can understand why you'd be upset, but honestly I think your mom was put in a hard position. Your daughter probably said "don't tell Mom I was here", or something like that, so if she told you she would be betraying her confidence. I know she lied by omission but she probably wants to see her granddaughter and was afraid if she told you she wouldn't anymore. Maybe this is the start to bringing the family back together.

I would let her know that you know they have been in contact and that you are happy about it but you wish she would have said something and leave it at that.

I hope this whole mess gets straightened out for you soon.

Thanks for the advice, everyone.
I don't want to make a big deal out of this with my Mom, I really don't. I do, however, want her to know that she and my daughter don't need to be sneaking around behind my back. I feel as if I can't confide in my Mom anymore, because anything I say is going to be passed along.

A strange little encounter a few minutes ago with the 16 year old neighbor from across the alley (the one my daughter moved in with). We just bumped into each other and she was telling me about how my daughter had moved out of her Dad's house. They had gone out of town to a funeral, and while they were away, my daughter moved all her belongings out, didn't tell them she was moving, (boy, did that sound familiar!), then left their house unlocked. Her Dad was so angry when he found out he threatened to "kick her behind" except behind wasn't the word he used. My daughter surely does know how to alienate people who try to help her. That's one of the reasons I believe there's an ulterior motive in her visiting her Grandmother. She is untrustworthy and much more conniving than people give her credit for.

Can you tell that I'm still incredibly angry at her?

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

If I remember correctly from some of your other posts, you have told your daughter to stay away from you and her Dad and the rest of the family, which I assume meant your Mom too.
.

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Actually, I have no problem with her having contact with her Dad. DH and I both told her to stay away from our families as long as she was involved with the guy she's been dating. DH has gone to her work place a couple of times to try to talk some sense into her; the first time, she hid in the back room and wouldn't talk to him. The second time, he wouldn't leave until someone made her come out. He told her that she needed to 'get her head out of her behind' and apologize. He also asked her to visit his Mom and Step-Dad because they are so upset about this whole mess; she flat-out refused.

Originally Posted by strange_wings

It sounds like your mother has managed not to get in the middle of this so far and has tried to be there for both of you. Can you imagine how hard that must be for her?
Don't drag her into it, don't guilt trip her or be snippy. She's your mom, the only one you have and it sounds like she really does love and care about you.

You can let her know that you wished she would have told you, but honestly I wouldn't take it any further than that. You're just going to have to accept that not everyone is going to completely take your side, that they love your daughter too, and that they're not out to get you. Don't let your hurt over what's happened with your daughter push everyone else in your life away. You'll get lonely awfully fast.

As for letting your daughter take over your mother's errands... is she even remotely responsible enough to?

If she's there and your mother needs a quick ride somewhere, she can ask her herself.

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This is a good assessment/suggestion.

Aw man, this just sucks!

I think you've already gotten some good advice. All I'd want to add is... I'd definitely stop confiding in my mom. And I would consider telling her that. I'd explain that you don't want to force her to take sides. You just hope she doesn't get hurt.

Maybe in the end if your DD ends up moving in with your mom, it'll either help her get her head straightened out... or your mom will see she should have listened to you.

If DD needs her tax papers, then I'd go ahead and do as you suggested. I would also straight out ask you mom not to help DD financially, though it is her decision to make.



I'm so sorry hun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know my daughter won't be moving in with my Mom unless she gets rid of the bf. Mom is a very strict Catholic (another reason that I'm so surprised by her actions). I don't think she'd give my daughter money, but then again, Mom's done a lot of things lately that I never thought she would. It's funny, in a way; the first few months into this whole drama, Mom used to say that my daughter had "really pooped in her nest" (substitute a different word for pooped, and that from my Catholic Mom who doesn't swear) and had "spit in Dave's & Libby's faces". I'm not sure how my daughter managed to change Mom's mind, but it's pretty obvious that she has.

I don't intend to guilt-trip Mom or make her choose sides; I just want her to know how disappointed and betrayed I feel. And you're right, Laurie, I won't be confiding in her anymore.

Originally Posted by libby74

...I don't intend to guilt-trip Mom or make her choose sides; I just want her to know how disappointed and betrayed I feel. And you're right, Laurie, I won't be confiding in her anymore.

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I'm terrible at confrontation too. I write letters for stuff like this. Gives me the time to figure out... just the right way to say it, which I don't have when talking about it.

Originally Posted by LDG

I'm terrible at confrontation too. I write letters for stuff like this.

Gives me the time to figure out... just the right way to say it, which I don't have when talking about it.

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I understand completely! When DD wrote me a letter last Sept. (started off nice and ended with a choice swear word and a "not that I'm saying you were bad parents, but...") it took me 3 days to write a response!
Thanks for the support. It really, really means a lot to me.

I'm just sorry sweetie. It hurts, no two ways around it.

Oh sweetie, I understand how hard this all must be for you.

I know that when I was going through all of that stuff with my Mom, my Nan was feeling incredibly torn. I didn't want her to have to choose sides at all, because the problems weren't HER problems, they were between Mom and I, so I literally just wouldn't talk about with Nan. I would keep her out of it, and if she brought Mom up, I would change the subject.

Originally Posted by Kailie

Oh sweetie, I understand how hard this all must be for you.

I know that when I was going through all of that stuff with my Mom, my Nan was feeling incredibly torn. I didn't want her to have to choose sides at all, because the problems weren't HER problems, they were between Mom and I, so I literally just wouldn't talk about with Nan. I would keep her out of it, and if she brought Mom up, I would change the subject.

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That's pretty much what I've decided to do; I haven't mentioned my daughter to my Mom since I came to the conclusion that Mom thought I was 'exaggerating'. After Monday, when I let her know that I'm aware of the visits, I don't intend to discuss my daughter with her again.