Do You Believe What You Hear?

I feel the same way as you unless I happen to have first hand experiance with the person being badmouthed and it reflects what the other person is saying. But if I don't know anything about the person being badmouthed then it just makes the person talking sound like a rude turd who needs to be quiet.

This sums up how I feel basically. However, to hear something about someone that I don't know or don't know well does slightly color my future interaction with them (in purple) because I am slightly on "guard" to notice if any of the said stuff is valid.

You know I have been a victim of this MANY times myself. I don't know how many times people have told me that they were intimidated by me at first because they heard things about me, but then I get "But I don't know why I listened because you are SUCH a sweetheart!". Also, first glances can be deceiving. I have tattoos and piercings, many which are visible, and people automatically think I am tough, mean, etc because of this. I have even HEARD the "OMG, look at her!".

I form opinions of people by getting to know them myself, otherwise I have no opinion. I'm an adult, very capable of forming my OWN opinions without letting other people cloud my judgement.

There's a difference between bad-mouthing someone just to bad-mouth them and relating experiences with that person.

For example, there is a guy that works in my organization that I really cannot stand. My personal experience with him has been that he's a sexist and ageist pig who cannot be trusted. But that's MY experience with him. So when a friend of mine was applying for a position in his area, I didn't tell her anything specific, just that from my experiences, he wasn't that great of a guy, but that she might experience something else.

Unfortunately, she didn't and she was bullied to the point where she moved out of the state. And yes, this guy gets away with it.

I could have told her that the guy was a jerk and a pain to deal with, but when she noticed some of the stuff he was doing to her, she asked me what my deal was with him. So I told her FACTS, such as he was definitely working with a higher-up to conspire to fire me (I know this because my manager told me after the higher-up person was removed), and that he freely speaks poorly about me behind my back.

But in general, I usually take anything that's said with the thought of who is saying it and why. Besides, I don't trust anyone around me. Kind of sad, yes, but it works.

Oh, and a funny story: DH was in a staff meeting with his upper management guy and the guy made a comment about how the people in my workgroup are worthless. Then he noticed my husband sitting right there and immediately began back-peddling by saying, "Well, obviously not EVERYONE in that group is bad."

Yeah. I usually follow the adage, "consider the source". I take into account the person doing the bad-mouthing.

A perfect example is a woman I used to work with. She would constantly be fake-nice to your face, and then turn around and bad-mouth you. I saw her in action several times, doing this. I know she lost friends because of it. And I ended up not trusting her at all.....not at all. Sad, really.

For me it's hard to form an honest first impression of someone if someone else has already put a negative thought in my head about that person. I know it is not the right decision to make but once a thought is put out there, I just can't ignore it. After getting to know the person, I eventually make my own opinion but that negative thought will be there at first.

Whether or not I believe what someone says (anytime) depends on the source and the intent. There's never an excuse for mean-sprited gossip, it stops with me, and then I stay far away from the gossipy person.

Unless I know the person and know if its true or not, I tend to take what is said with a grain of salt. But like another person commented - if I don't know the person and then meet them later, I tend to keep what was said as a caution (yellow flag) about the person.

I will listen to what people say but I will form my own opinion with out thinking of what others have said I will only give my opinion on someone I'm asked and will only day something that had happened to me with a person

It depends on the topic and how the person is relaying that information. If someone is being gossipy and mean spirited often I'll speak up and put them on the spot - calling them on their bad behavior.
Not exactly polite, but I grew up with divorced parents who would try to badmouth each other to me and I simply would not put up with it from either of them. I don't tolerate it from others, either.

I definitely believe and appreciate a warning to be careful... The rest is all an individual to individual experience... Besides, there is always two sides to the same story, and I am only being told one. So basically, I pretty much disregard the details when applying it to my relationship with person in question. But if I have been warned by someone I know and trust... I definitely keep my guards up.

I take it into consideration. But it's like, I don't really care if person X has been a jerk to person Y, if I haven't personally been harmed I don't hold any bad feelings for anyone, because you never know the full story. I'm no one to judge anyone, even if the person badmouthing is telling the truth.

I take it all with a grain of salt.... One persons perseption of an issue or happening will not be exactly like anyone elses... I do think about who is saying it and if they are in fact just venting or seeking advise on the issue or if they talk this way about everyone and too everyone... Obviously the last one I avoid being around ... the others may need a helpful person to say hey that aint cool or why are you telling me this...

I can get along with most people, but I have a professor this term who could use a lesson in treating people with respect. I've been wanting to take this government class for a few terms and finally got into an online class. I read the warnings people posted about him but told myself he couldn't be that bad. Either the people didn't want to do the work or some other reason he has bad ratings. He has a Ph.D as well a numerous other academic credentials, but the guy is condescending and arrogant. He doesn't always clarify what he wants in his assignments, and the students who have emailed with questions were always answered with rude responses that made them feel "stupid". Example: I had an assignment to turn in an outline for a chapter. I turned in an outline, and he blasted me for it. Problem is that he never specified that it had to be a formal outline. So far, that is the only assignment I have had a problem with. I don't communicate with the professor, I refuse to. Being almost 40 and around the proverbial block a few times, I don't tolerate people like him very well. I've had tough teachers in the past that I have liked. The class is interesting, and I'm learning a lot. I just feel a professor needs to have an attitude of being more willing to work with students in clarifyng what he (or she) wants without being rude about it. Especially, in an online class where you may have more questions than a lecture.

Rant over.

I had an online friend that I knew for close to four years start talking about some other people I knew online. I'm not sure what her deal was, honestly, because the others hadn't done anything aside from not giving her lots of attention. I told her I didn't want to hear it and if she had a problem with them she should take it up with them and deal with it. .... and lost her as a friend because she couldn't handle me being fair and honest about the whole ordeal.

Someone told me something today that should have never been said. I don't know or care if it is the truth; either way, it could really be hurtful. What I believe depends a great deal on how much I trust the person who is making the statement.

that's what I always keep in mind.
That's true for the online situation too. You have a more limited ability to really get to know someone, so I try to stick with what I've personally experienced. However, I can't honestly say that other people's opinion don't influence me, but I try to keep an open mind.

I couldnt help but think about this thread yesterday. I will admit, over a year ago I was guilty of listening to a gossiper and letting it influence my opinion of someone because I felt that I could trust the gossiper explicitely. Unfortunately it has come to light recently that the gossiper is just that...a gossiper and a liar.

I have had to go back thru 2 yrs of situations, conversations and things Ive heard and started putting the pieces together for myself without paying attention to what others have said and just letting my brain do the thinking for itself. I actually apologized to the person that was gossiped about and told them flat out that I let others opinions influence how I felt about them and that I was sorry I did that because things have come to light that made me reevaluate situations and my personal experiance with them. Im glad that the person who was gossiped about is an understanding person because they had known that the other was basically being a 2 faced snotball and manipulating situations to benefit themselves. They had also lied extensively to others about situations involving her DH, even going as far as to imply that he was abusive when he would never hurt a fly let alone her. He actually caves and gives into whatever tantrum is thrown to please her and put her on a pedestal....Unfortunately that is just making her worse and she needs knocked down a peg or two.

No i don't listen to one person, and even more so if it's online. I'm a great believer that theres two sides to a story.

Me too. Or three... his side, her side, and the right side.

I have to say, though, if my husband said something about someone, I would believe him, because he never does.

Depends to some extent on the players. If I have reason to trust the person expressing the bad opinion, I'll likely try to find out what is the basis for that opinion, in case there's merit to it, but dismiss it if that does not seem to be the case. If I don't already have a basis for trust, the remarks will probably be dismissed without further attention.

ETA: I guess that translates to "consider the source".

It depends on who is saying it