Christmas Issues with Mom

Ugh! Like I said about Thanksgiving, holidays are not allowed to be easy

For the last 3 years, we have not exchanged gifts with my parents or brother, per their request. This year, we expected to be no different, and since Christmas is on a Saturday, we would just drive up on Christmas morning and stay until early Sunday afternoon, then come home because we have to work on Monday (because of our cross country trip + out sick/days off already taken this year, I didn't take off excessive days at Xmas this year, plus my analyst will be out, so our back up has to cover for him all week).

My brother messaged me and said "What does Roberto want for Christmas?" I was like what? Wait, are we exchanging with YOU or the whole family? Thinking maybe he wanted to do something himself. He said he ask mom and get back to me. He asked her and she said we'd exchange small gifts, nothing extravagant. I called Rob at work to see what he wanted, and while I was talking to him, my brother sent me another message on my cell saying "Mom says forget the gifts if you're only coming for a day and that's it! She's really really really upset now!" I was like WHAT? where did that come from???

I told my dad two days ago on the phone our plans to come up, because we also have to have Xmas with my in-laws, and planned to do that Sunday evening after we got home. Though since I have Xmas eve off, we may have decided to do it then. I guess my dad never told my mom I said that, and she had a fit because i told him and not her. But she's having a fit like I set it in stone 2 months ago instead of mentioning it 2 days ago!! She never answers the phone when I call, and if I do she gives it to my dad. She usually avoids answering my emails, stating they get sent to her junk box all the time, or she forgets to reply. She always turns down coming here, and last year for Christmas they spent maybe 6 or 7 hours at my house before going back home. And we are the bad people for coming up for a day and a half?

I called their house and my brother answered, "relaying" back and forth. My mom wouldn't even get on the flippin' phone then either to talk to me! I told him they need to COMMUNICATE with me if they want us to do something specific. Rob had hung up from me and said he really didn't want to go after all if everyone's going to be so cranky when we are there. So then my brother said "Fine! Dont come if you dont want! Or just come for one day but forget the presents!"

Rob asked me if him saying that means we have an out, because he hasn't wanted to go since my parents turned down our Labor Day party invitation and Thanksgiving invitation. I kept asking when my mom expected me to come up there - (she has off Dec 22 or 23 through January 3rd) - because I was unaware I had to stay for multiple days. My mom even used the "you live behind your in-laws and can see them everyday, so it's not really fair or important to see them on sunday." What is her deal!?!?! My dad said she already got me a gift, I said she'll probably set it on fire while stabbing a voodoo doll of me

*Shakes head* Now I'm sick, frustrated, and losing my voice from yelling in the phone so much today on top of potential bronchitis. My dad said he was going to tell my mom to call me and tell me what she wants to do so we can plan accordingly, but either he'll forget or she'll be stubborn and not call. My grandma got mad too and said "I really don't know what her deal is! I would do whatever YOU want to do on Christmas and forget her making you so aggravated!"

I sent an email to BOTH my parents today, so neither can say they didn't know, and asked them WHAT the plans are, so we can make a schedule. But after this, I'm thinking of just making all holidays at our house. They will in turn say that it's not fair, because my in-laws live 200 ft away, and my parents live 200 miles away. I want to work things out and not have to be stressed! My in-laws already told me to not worry about Christmas since we can do it whenever, even during the week, but I told them it's not the point - it's not fair my mom thinks they don't count or something because they live so close to us.

Next year for Christmas, we are driving to New Jersey to spend it with my grandma, who I haven't gotten to spend Christmas with since 2003. She is probably the closest family member to me these days, and totally awesome. She always tells me I'm the light of her life, and will tell everyone she comes across how much she loves me. I hate that I don't live close to her anymore.

I feel terrible, because my dad has a miserable life living with my mom and brother, who both verbalize they want him to die or leave so he's not around anymore. I was daddy's girl, and I've been gone since 2005. He loves Rob, whereas my mom has always been crabby towards him. I hated telling him we may not come up, because I could hear it upset him. But I don't see a point in a miserable Christmas. If my mother can't see that I'm TRYING to work something out and be accommodating, or just ignores it, then I give up and will do whatever the heck I want from now on. If she wants to communicate with me in the future, she can. But if she's going to continue to be the way she is being, I'm not going to bother trying to fix things all the time.