TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › No more wedding- opinions!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

No more wedding- opinions!

post #1 of 31
12/3/10 at 4:35pm
Thread Starter 
I can't really talk with friends and family about this, and figure you guys would be a fount of wisdom on such subjects.

So, background information. My job is...evil to say the least. I have been working there for 2 years in February, but I am not "hired." Because of this, although I am gaining retirement, I do not get benefits at all. I would much rather the benefits. (warning, girlie things ahead!) Since I was about 16 or so, my periods have always been insane. There is anywhere from 30-50 days between the end of one and the beginning of the next. They are agonizing, and incredibly heavy. My mother had a complete hysterectomy, she now has no uterus or either ovary, because of cysts and endometriosis. It is a bit scary to me- since I can't go to a doctor, and I do have some of the symptoms. Plus, I would love to have kids some day, and with my luck my body won't behave when we go to try.

So anyway, I have been with my wonderful fiance for nearly 5 years (in July). We have been engaged since our third anniversary. We planned on getting married in July 2012. Well, now we are thinking that we just need to do the marriage license/court house marriage, forget the wedding. Pat has benefits at his job, and we really need to make it so I could take advantage of them.

On one hand, it is wonderful that he is willing to go against our "schedule" (he will be graduating from college right before the proposed wedding date) to take care of me. On the other hand, I wouldn't get my "dream" wedding. Here is where we are torn.

Do we keep it "secret" from our families, and have a wedding when we planned anyway? Or do we let them know, and have a "rewedding" on that day... or do we do it now, and just let them know... and skip the wedding entirely? Mind you, we are in Florida, and all but his mother and sister live in New York, Michigan and Vermont. The plan was to get married in New York. I worry they would be offended if we did it secretly. So, those who are married, those with married family, anyone with an opinion... Should we just tell them the new plan?
Reply
post #2 of 31
12/3/10 at 4:48pm
If I were you, I'd have a small ceremony with a couple of friends or family as witnesses now. (and if I were having that kind of girl issue with my periods, I'd so be itchin' for health care too...)

Let everyone know just before. If family wants to come down for it, they can. But nothing big and fancy. Back yard or something, find a cute dress, but don't fuss over it. have the legal wedding. Then, on the originally planned date in 2012, do a vow renewal, have the dress and cake and big to-do. You'll have have a blast and it won't be as big of a stressor.... you'll have done the legal stuff, the later thing will be one big party.

I've had a few friends do this. The most recent, her family is all back east, they're in CA. So, they had a small family thing on the beach in Florida. Then six months or so later, they had a big party where they read their vows to those of us gathered, and we partied.

I'd go that route. That way you can do the legal stuff now, get the medical stuff taken care of, and you'll really be able to enjoy the party day.
Reply
post #3 of 31
12/3/10 at 4:55pm
Thread Starter 
That would be a really good idea... I didn't even think of just having a small thing for immediate family now, but that would work. The only thing is, we would have to pay to fly my mom down... but I'm sure we could manage that. I really hope it doesn't offend anyone. Fingers crossed.
Reply
post #4 of 31
12/3/10 at 5:04pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by RubSluts'Mommy View Post
If I were you, I'd have a small ceremony with a couple of friends or family as witnesses now. (and if I were having that kind of girl issue with my periods, I'd so be itchin' for health care too...)

Let everyone know just before. If family wants to come down for it, they can. But nothing big and fancy. Back yard or something, find a cute dress, but don't fuss over it. have the legal wedding. Then, on the originally planned date in 2012, do a vow renewal, have the dress and cake and big to-do. You'll have have a blast and it won't be as big of a stressor.... you'll have done the legal stuff, the later thing will be one big party.

I've had a few friends do this. The most recent, her family is all back east, they're in CA. So, they had a small family thing on the beach in Florida. Then six months or so later, they had a big party where they read their vows to those of us gathered, and we partied.

I'd go that route. That way you can do the legal stuff now, get the medical stuff taken care of, and you'll really be able to enjoy the party day.


I agree. We had a small wedding in our home and it was lovely. We ordered a sheet cake and had it decorated in our wedding colors. I wanted an outdoor wedding, but knew it would be too cold in November.
Reply
post #5 of 31
12/3/10 at 5:16pm
I personally don't believe in big weddings... If that is what makes you happy, sure... The following is MY OPINION ONLY, OK???
To me, it is just a huge waste of money, huge stress for the bride, groom and family, and the only ones who have fun are the people invited, who don't spend a penny. You spend thousands, and it all goes down the drain or the toilette - literally...
While all that money could be spend to start a life... in a marriage... To me that day is a very special day, and that money can be used on soooooo many things when starting a life together... Housing, moving, furniture, maybe a baby, or who knows, traveling?
I think that a marriage, a life together starts on that day, and that is the celebration... Sometimes people get so wrapped up on the wedding ceremony that forget about what that date is really about.... it is the beginning of something... it is about what comes next...
With that stated......
A small ceremony, can be very very special... There are chapels where you can do that... You just order your license first (at the chapel) and have your ceremony, with your family and your close friends... It doesn't look like court, it doesn't feel like court... It is private, you have your own service... Then you can all go to dinner somewhere?
Or you can even do it at home...
You still make this day a very very special day, filled with love and dreams... and the beginning of a wonderful thing together...
Reply
post #6 of 31
12/3/10 at 5:24pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carolina View Post
I personally don't believe in big weddings... If that is what makes you happy, sure... The following is MY OPINION ONLY, OK???
To me, it is just a huge waste of money, huge stress for the bride, groom and family, and the only ones who have fun are the people invited, who don't spend a penny. You spend thousands, and it all goes down the drain or the toilette - literally...
While all that money could be spend to start a life... in a marriage... To me that day is a very special day, and that money can be used on soooooo many things when starting a life together... Housing, moving, furniture, maybe a baby, or who knows, traveling?
I think that a marriage, a life together starts on that day, and that is the celebration... Sometimes people get so wrapped up on the wedding ceremony that forget about what that date is really about.... it is the beginning of something... it is about what comes next...
With that stated......
A small ceremony, can be very very special... There are chapels where you can do that... You just order your license first (at the chapel) and have your ceremony, with your family and your close friends... It doesn't look like court, it doesn't feel like court... It is private, you have your own service... Then you can all go to dinner somewhere?
Or you can even do it at home...
You still make this day a very very special day, filled with love and dreams... and the beginning of a wonderful thing together...
I completely understand what you are saying. We were going on the cheap, other then a few little items I really wanted- mainly an amazing cake and dress. I have a feeling none of that will happen now.. but I think I'm ok with it. I figure we'll just funnel it towards a honey moon instead.
Reply
post #7 of 31
12/3/10 at 5:25pm
Carolina mentions something my parents even did. They were older, in their mid/late 30's (well, that was 'older' for getting married back in the 60's), and didn't want a big fuss.

They made an appointment with the minister at my mom's church in Berkeley, CA, invited my uncle (mom's brother) and my dad's best friend. Those two served as witnesses, and Uncle Marv also took the photos. They already had the license ready to go, did the ceremony in the 'lobby' area (forgive me, I'm blanking on what that's called), not at the altar. Then the two of them went up to the big resort on the hill (again, brain drawing a blank), and had breakfast. Yes, I said breakfast. They did this in the morning. Mom wore a baby blue wool suit (jacket and skirt) and I don't know what my dad wore. Probably one of his suits. Baby blue was a very traditional color for brides way back. The whole white wedding dress thing is not that old of a tradition... everyone just thinks it is...
Reply
post #8 of 31
12/3/10 at 7:09pm
I say get the license and court house marriage set up and done ASAP if both of you want to be married. Many companies have their insurance's open enrollment set up for around the first of the year. It would be a lot easier if you want on his health insurance to do it then.

Let the family know, tell them you don't mean to cheat anyone but things are the way things are and that life doesn't wait to follow your plans.

The two of you can do a ceremony later if you wish. There's nothing stopping that from happening, but it would be nice if you're alive and healthy for it.
Reply
post #9 of 31
12/3/10 at 8:05pm
I would tell them the new plan. They should understand. I don't think getting married in secret is a good idea- where's the fun in that?
IMO, that will totally ruin the fun of being newlyweds, and enjoying the whole thing. If you're getting married, even if it's just in court, I would still celebrate it with the closest family members, even if it means just having a dinner party or something really small.
Reply
post #10 of 31
12/3/10 at 8:23pm
I would do the small wedding with close family and friends maybe in the future for Pat's college graduation you could put on a bigger party with an amazing cake or something.
Reply
post #11 of 31
12/3/10 at 8:28pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by katiemae1277 View Post
I would do the small wedding with close family and friends maybe in the future for Pat's college graduation you could put on a bigger party with an amazing cake or something.
That is what I would do.
Reply
post #12 of 31
12/3/10 at 9:25pm
Thread Starter 
I'm going to have to talk to him tomorrow. He needs to find out how exactly getting on his insurance will work. The hardest part will be the distance away that my mom is. I would love for her to be there- but we would have to pay. Maybe we can manage flying her down and having her there for it, this month or next. Fingers crossed.

On one hand I am crazy excited to have it a year and a half sooner then expected, but I'm still slightly disappointed. Crazy mix of emotions.
Reply
post #13 of 31
12/3/10 at 10:50pm
I've known several people who've gone the justice of the peace route and then had a wedding at a later date. Some family might be upset if they can't be there to see you married for the first time; but I wouldn't hide it. They'll either understand or just have to accept it if that is what you two choose.
Reply
post #14 of 31
12/3/10 at 11:54pm
I work with someone who did that...they really needed the benefits so got married in December with just a couple people there, then in June or so, they all went to Mexico to get married (the original plan) then had a reception at the Rec Center (where we all work ) at a later date. Everyone was really happy with that arrangement!
Reply
post #15 of 31
12/4/10 at 1:40am
If I were you I'd go with a small civil ceremony now (after informing your family members) and have the marriage blessed and hold the big reception in 2012.

We have a binational marriage, and the Atlantic was between our families and friends when we married 30 years ago. What we did was have a small wedding over here, and then a bigger reception on that side of the Pond 4 months later.
Reply
post #16 of 31
12/4/10 at 9:51am
Thread Starter 
You guys all make me feel so much better about this. Pat wanted to hide it, but I didn't think that would be a good idea- plus if I'm married to him, I want to BE married to him. Ya know? I guess after I talk to him today, and we decide on a date, I'll have to call my mom and let her know. I still know it is going to break her heart though, that makes me feel bad, but there is not much I can do.
Reply
post #17 of 31
12/4/10 at 9:54am
Quote:
Originally Posted by laceface View Post
I'll have to call my mom and let her know. I still know it is going to break her heart though, that makes me feel bad, but there is not much I can do.
How so, really? You said you're having the same health problems that she went through, surely she would understand your need of medical care and would much rather have a healthy daughter.

The family can still make their big plans together and everyone who wants to can be there for that.
Reply
post #18 of 31
12/4/10 at 11:16am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
How so, really? You said you're having the same health problems that she went through, surely she would understand your need of medical care and would much rather have a healthy daughter.

The family can still make their big plans together and everyone who wants to can be there for that.

She won't be able to be there unless we can pay for it. She will be sad if she can't, and I doubt she will. She won't make a big deal out of it or anything, but I know she'll be sad to miss it.
Reply
post #19 of 31
12/4/10 at 11:26am
Quote:
Originally Posted by laceface View Post
She won't be able to be there unless we can pay for it. She will be sad if she can't, and I doubt she will. She won't make a big deal out of it or anything, but I know she'll be sad to miss it.
Do you have a friend with a camera and does your mother have a computer? You could record it and upload it to her as soon as you get home. Heck, if you have a phone that has a good mic on it you could have her on speaker phone to at least listen in.

ETA: Actually, if you don't want to send it to her online, I suggest if you can film it that you make her a dvd of it and personalize the dvd with a message to her added in at the beginning or end. You could make copies for other people too and send those out as part of Christmas gifts.
Tell her something along the lines that she's there in spirit/in your heart (sounds nice) and do what you can to include her.
Reply
post #20 of 31
12/4/10 at 11:52am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by strange_wings View Post
Do you have a friend with a camera and does your mother have a computer? You could record it and upload it to her as soon as you get home. Heck, if you have a phone that has a good mic on it you could have her on speaker phone to at least listen in.

ETA: Actually, if you don't want to send it to her online, I suggest if you can film it that you make her a dvd of it and personalize the dvd with a message to her added in at the beginning or end. You could make copies for other people too and send those out as part of Christmas gifts.

Of course, I can do things like this... but it still won't be the same, ya know? She will be happy, and I know she won't say anything, but I know she'll care. My elder sister just got married to a man who my family can't stand, and now I'm going to get married (to a man she loves!) and she can't be there, I know it will bother her. I will definitely make sure we get pictures/video/something for her... but it won't be the same as being there.
Reply
post #21 of 31
12/4/10 at 12:02pm
You know, I wonder if it truly bothers you more than it will her? Yes, she'll be disappointed, but talk to her about it and ask her to tell you the truth about how she feels. If she's a good mom she'll be there and support you no matter what.
Reply
post #22 of 31
12/4/10 at 12:43pm
I've never understood the need to plan a wedding months/years in advance and spend 10's of thousands of dollars on a dress, hall, food etc.

A marriage is about the 2 people in love, committing themselves to each other in front of a group of people. It just seems to me that whole premise has been lost because people think the more lavish and expensive, the better.

Have your court house wedding. Invite your close friends and family, and then have a BBQ or something outside in your back yard, or even in a park and invite people to attend. Or have a come and go tea with finger foods.

Save the money you would have spent on a large lavish wedding and dress for something else....put it in the bank and save it. Or use it as a down payment on a house. Or put it into a college fund for a future child
Reply
post #23 of 31
12/4/10 at 1:02pm
If I were you I'd definitely put health and financial issues ahead of a desire for a dream wedding. You also can't go wrong with honesty so tell your family you are getting married now and the reasons why. You can always have a reception with family and friends later on, you can have your beautiful dress and cake then. (The vast majority of divorces happen over money problems, and a large wedding can set a couple back financially for years.)

There are many health issues that can cause infertility if not caught and treated in time, so by waiting you might be forfeiting having a family. I'm also convinced there's no such thing as a dream wedding; things always go wrong, it always runs over-budget, and there are always going to be people who are insulted by something you do or don't do. And the stress level of a big wedding... through the roof!

Get married now and have a reception later to celebrate with loved ones.
Reply
post #24 of 31
12/4/10 at 1:39pm
I think big fancy weddings are very over-rated and pretentious unless you come from a family of wealth and/or stature in the community. For the most part, I believe that if you are old enough to get married, you are old enough to pay for your own party. In other words, mom and dad don't owe you a wedding!

Your wedding can be as special as you want to make it. You don't have to have the fairy princess ceremony. Find a nice dress that you may want to wear again, contact a JP or minister, invite a few friends and close family, and have some wine and appetizers after. You can probably do the whole thing for less than $500. It will mean more to you because you did it yourself, and you won't stress, and you don't have to plan for months in advance.

I have grown children, and I gave them what money I could afford, and they did their own wedding thing. My daughter chose the fancy wedding with a sit down dinner, and she and her fiance paid for it. Ten years later he cheated on her and they are now divorced. My son chose a very simple ceremony in a pretty but inexpensive venue, followed by a simple buffet. They are very happy and intact with new triplet daughters.

My second wedding was a family gathering at a huge house we rented at Lake Tahoe. It was lovely and very simple!
Reply
post #25 of 31
12/4/10 at 2:19pm
My wedding was planned on the fly in 2 months.
No invitations, no rehearsal.

Time/money was donated by those wanting fancy.
My gown cost $125, Jake's suit cost $89.

According to those donationg, the total cost was something like $600, so I know it can be done.

My situation was different though, we wanted to just elope, but our friends and family wouldn't have it.


In your shoes, I'd elope and do the big dream wedding and vow renewals later.
Reply
post #26 of 31
12/4/10 at 2:35pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arlyn View Post
My wedding was planned on the fly in 2 months.
No invitations, no rehearsal.

Time/money was donated by those wanting fancy.
My gown cost $125, Jake's suit cost $89.

According to those donationg, the total cost was something like $600, so I know it can be done.

My situation was different though, we wanted to just elope, but our friends and family wouldn't have it.


In your shoes, I'd elope and do the big dream wedding and vow renewals later.
My wedding was similar and even less time because he got a job out of state, told me about it, and proposed the same night. We were going to go the JP, but his mom had a fit. We asked around, found a minister willing to do the ceremony, my gown was $80 (and I had a fit about spending that much), his mom made me something for a veil, he wore a suit he already had, and we had the reception at my parents house.

Its not about the wedding, its about the marriage. I know so many people who spend the amount of a good down payment on a house for their wedding, then end up divorced in a couple years. DH and I just celebrated our 30th aniversay a couple months ago.
Reply
post #27 of 31
12/4/10 at 3:51pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
If I were you I'd definitely put health and financial issues ahead of a desire for a dream wedding.
I really don't see how the two compare, health is very important, weddings are not.

I can't see how anyone, especially a loved family member could be upset over putting your health first.

Such a shame to live in a country with a health care system that is basically forcing you to get married to receive the care you require.
Reply
post #28 of 31
12/4/10 at 4:18pm
Thread Starter 
Hey, I wasn't planning on having my parents pay a cent- that was all on us. We were saving ourselves, and planned on paying it ourselves. This was all something we wanted. Paying for a wedding wouldn't "set us back" or anything. I just wanted to have the dress and the cake... and all of my family there. Now it will be here, and only the few members that can afford it will be here.

The plan for now is flying my mom and sister down, possibly my brother. We will be doing it next month, and he has a friend of his father (who passed a few years ago) that can do a ceremony for us. It will be too cold for anything outdoor, so we are going to look around for somewhere in. It'll work out, but still won't have all the family I could have had up there- which is the main part that makes me sad. But, oh well, it'll work out anyway!
Reply
post #29 of 31
12/5/10 at 12:26pm
Just a thought, instead of a wedding gift could you not ask the people invited to contribute to your Mother's air fare? I'm sure they would understand it would be the best present you could wish for.
We had a small civil ceremony followed by a meal for a few close friends and immediate family. I think it made it more special that it was a small group of people who really cared about us and our future together.
We held a party later for friends. We provided a buffet and some friends who play in a band as a hobby performed.
Both days were on a strict budget but it didn't make it any less special.
Reply
post #30 of 31
12/6/10 at 10:08am
Quote:
Originally Posted by laceface View Post
Hey, I wasn't planning on having my parents pay a cent- that was all on us. We were saving ourselves, and planned on paying it ourselves. This was all something we wanted. Paying for a wedding wouldn't "set us back" or anything. I just wanted to have the dress and the cake... and all of my family there. Now it will be here, and only the few members that can afford it will be here.

The plan for now is flying my mom and sister down, possibly my brother. We will be doing it next month, and he has a friend of his father (who passed a few years ago) that can do a ceremony for us. It will be too cold for anything outdoor, so we are going to look around for somewhere in. It'll work out, but still won't have all the family I could have had up there- which is the main part that makes me sad. But, oh well, it'll work out anyway!
Don't know what kind of cake you're thinking of, but we had a not-really-big cake, but it was covered with real flowers, and it was GORGEOUS!!! And not too expensive.
Reply
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: The Cat Lounge
TheCatSite.com › Forums › General Forums › The Cat Lounge › No more wedding- opinions!