No more wedding- opinions!

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
I can't really talk with friends and family about this, and figure you guys would be a fount of wisdom on such subjects.

So, background information. My job is...evil to say the least. I have been working there for 2 years in February, but I am not "hired." Because of this, although I am gaining retirement, I do not get benefits at all. I would much rather the benefits. (warning, girlie things ahead!) Since I was about 16 or so, my periods have always been insane. There is anywhere from 30-50 days between the end of one and the beginning of the next. They are agonizing, and incredibly heavy. My mother had a complete hysterectomy, she now has no uterus or either ovary, because of cysts and endometriosis. It is a bit scary to me- since I can't go to a doctor, and I do have some of the symptoms. Plus, I would love to have kids some day, and with my luck my body won't behave when we go to try.

So anyway, I have been with my wonderful fiance for nearly 5 years (in July). We have been engaged since our third anniversary. We planned on getting married in July 2012. Well, now we are thinking that we just need to do the marriage license/court house marriage, forget the wedding. Pat has benefits at his job, and we really need to make it so I could take advantage of them.

On one hand, it is wonderful that he is willing to go against our "schedule" (he will be graduating from college right before the proposed wedding date) to take care of me. On the other hand, I wouldn't get my "dream" wedding. Here is where we are torn.

Do we keep it "secret" from our families, and have a wedding when we planned anyway? Or do we let them know, and have a "rewedding" on that day... or do we do it now, and just let them know... and skip the wedding entirely? Mind you, we are in Florida, and all but his mother and sister live in New York, Michigan and Vermont. The plan was to get married in New York. I worry they would be offended if we did it secretly. So, those who are married, those with married family, anyone with an opinion... Should we just tell them the new plan?
 

rubsluts'mommy

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Oct 1, 2005
Messages
2,211
Purraise
11
Location
On the west side of... of... somewhere.
If I were you, I'd have a small ceremony with a couple of friends or family as witnesses now. (and if I were having that kind of girl issue with my periods, I'd so be itchin' for health care too...)

Let everyone know just before. If family wants to come down for it, they can. But nothing big and fancy. Back yard or something, find a cute dress, but don't fuss over it. have the legal wedding. Then, on the originally planned date in 2012, do a vow renewal, have the dress and cake and big to-do. You'll have have a blast and it won't be as big of a stressor.... you'll have done the legal stuff, the later thing will be one big party.

I've had a few friends do this. The most recent, her family is all back east, they're in CA. So, they had a small family thing on the beach in Florida. Then six months or so later, they had a big party where they read their vows to those of us gathered, and we partied.

I'd go that route. That way you can do the legal stuff now, get the medical stuff taken care of, and you'll really be able to enjoy the party day.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #3

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
That would be a really good idea... I didn't even think of just having a small thing for immediate family now, but that would work. The only thing is, we would have to pay to fly my mom down... but I'm sure we could manage that. I really hope it doesn't offend anyone. Fingers crossed.
 

nurseangel

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jul 6, 2007
Messages
10,132
Purraise
4,820
Location
1 Happy Place
Originally Posted by RubSluts'Mommy

If I were you, I'd have a small ceremony with a couple of friends or family as witnesses now. (and if I were having that kind of girl issue with my periods, I'd so be itchin' for health care too...)

Let everyone know just before. If family wants to come down for it, they can. But nothing big and fancy. Back yard or something, find a cute dress, but don't fuss over it. have the legal wedding. Then, on the originally planned date in 2012, do a vow renewal, have the dress and cake and big to-do. You'll have have a blast and it won't be as big of a stressor.... you'll have done the legal stuff, the later thing will be one big party.

I've had a few friends do this. The most recent, her family is all back east, they're in CA. So, they had a small family thing on the beach in Florida. Then six months or so later, they had a big party where they read their vows to those of us gathered, and we partied.

I'd go that route. That way you can do the legal stuff now, get the medical stuff taken care of, and you'll really be able to enjoy the party day.
I agree. We had a small wedding in our home and it was lovely. We ordered a sheet cake and had it decorated in our wedding colors. I wanted an outdoor wedding, but knew it would be too cold in November.
 

carolina

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
14,759
Purraise
215
Location
Corinth, TX
I personally don't believe in big weddings... If that is what makes you happy, sure... The following is MY OPINION ONLY, OK???

To me, it is just a huge waste of money, huge stress for the bride, groom and family, and the only ones who have fun are the people invited, who don't spend a penny. You spend thousands, and it all goes down the drain or the toilette - literally...
While all that money could be spend to start a life... in a marriage... To me that day is a very special day, and that money can be used on soooooo many things when starting a life together... Housing, moving, furniture, maybe a baby, or who knows, traveling?
I think that a marriage, a life together starts on that day, and that is the celebration... Sometimes people get so wrapped up on the wedding ceremony that forget about what that date is really about.... it is the beginning of something... it is about what comes next...
With that stated......
A small ceremony, can be very very special... There are chapels where you can do that... You just order your license first (at the chapel) and have your ceremony, with your family and your close friends... It doesn't look like court, it doesn't feel like court... It is private, you have your own service... Then you can all go to dinner somewhere?
Or you can even do it at home...
You still make this day a very very special day, filled with love and dreams... and the beginning of a wonderful thing together...
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #6

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
Originally Posted by Carolina

I personally don't believe in big weddings... If that is what makes you happy, sure... The following is MY OPINION ONLY, OK???

To me, it is just a huge waste of money, huge stress for the bride, groom and family, and the only ones who have fun are the people invited, who don't spend a penny. You spend thousands, and it all goes down the drain or the toilette - literally...
While all that money could be spend to start a life... in a marriage... To me that day is a very special day, and that money can be used on soooooo many things when starting a life together... Housing, moving, furniture, maybe a baby, or who knows, traveling?
I think that a marriage, a life together starts on that day, and that is the celebration... Sometimes people get so wrapped up on the wedding ceremony that forget about what that date is really about.... it is the beginning of something... it is about what comes next...
With that stated......
A small ceremony, can be very very special... There are chapels where you can do that... You just order your license first (at the chapel) and have your ceremony, with your family and your close friends... It doesn't look like court, it doesn't feel like court... It is private, you have your own service... Then you can all go to dinner somewhere?
Or you can even do it at home...
You still make this day a very very special day, filled with love and dreams... and the beginning of a wonderful thing together...
I completely understand what you are saying. We were going on the cheap, other then a few little items I really wanted- mainly an amazing cake and dress. I have a feeling none of that will happen now.. but I think I'm ok with it. I figure we'll just funnel it towards a honey moon instead.
 

rubsluts'mommy

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Oct 1, 2005
Messages
2,211
Purraise
11
Location
On the west side of... of... somewhere.
Carolina mentions something my parents even did. They were older, in their mid/late 30's (well, that was 'older' for getting married back in the 60's), and didn't want a big fuss.

They made an appointment with the minister at my mom's church in Berkeley, CA, invited my uncle (mom's brother) and my dad's best friend. Those two served as witnesses, and Uncle Marv also took the photos. They already had the license ready to go, did the ceremony in the 'lobby' area (forgive me, I'm blanking on what that's called), not at the altar. Then the two of them went up to the big resort on the hill (again, brain drawing a blank), and had breakfast. Yes, I said breakfast. They did this in the morning. Mom wore a baby blue wool suit (jacket and skirt) and I don't know what my dad wore. Probably one of his suits. Baby blue was a very traditional color for brides way back. The whole white wedding dress thing is not that old of a tradition... everyone just thinks it is...
 

strange_wings

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 20, 2006
Messages
13,498
Purraise
39
I say get the license and court house marriage set up and done ASAP if both of you want to be married. Many companies have their insurance's open enrollment set up for around the first of the year. It would be a lot easier if you want on his health insurance to do it then.

Let the family know, tell them you don't mean to cheat anyone but things are the way things are and that life doesn't wait to follow your plans.

The two of you can do a ceremony later if you wish. There's nothing stopping that from happening, but it would be nice if you're alive and healthy for it.
 

ut0pia

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 25, 2008
Messages
5,120
Purraise
34
I would tell them the new plan. They should understand. I don't think getting married in secret is a good idea- where's the fun in that?
IMO, that will totally ruin the fun of being newlyweds, and enjoying the whole thing. If you're getting married, even if it's just in court, I would still celebrate it with the closest family members, even if it means just having a dinner party or something really small.
 

katiemae1277

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Nov 28, 2005
Messages
20,445
Purraise
17
Location
NE OH
I would do the small wedding with close family and friends
maybe in the future for Pat's college graduation you could put on a bigger party with an amazing cake or something.
 

mbjerkness

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 18, 2007
Messages
7,583
Purraise
18
Location
In the middle of BC
Originally Posted by katiemae1277

I would do the small wedding with close family and friends
maybe in the future for Pat's college graduation you could put on a bigger party with an amazing cake or something.
That is what I would do.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #12

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
I'm going to have to talk to him tomorrow. He needs to find out how exactly getting on his insurance will work. The hardest part will be the distance away that my mom is. I would love for her to be there- but we would have to pay. Maybe we can manage flying her down and having her there for it, this month or next. Fingers crossed.

On one hand I am crazy excited to have it a year and a half sooner then expected, but I'm still slightly disappointed. Crazy mix of emotions.
 

MoochNNoodles

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Apr 30, 2005
Messages
36,646
Purraise
23,465
Location
Where my cats are
I've known several people who've gone the justice of the peace route and then had a wedding at a later date. Some family might be upset if they can't be there to see you married for the first time; but I wouldn't hide it. They'll either understand or just have to accept it if that is what you two choose.
 

kluchetta

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Apr 5, 2005
Messages
11,023
Purraise
30
Location
Golden, Colorado
I work with someone who did that...they really needed the benefits so got married in December with just a couple people there, then in June or so, they all went to Mexico to get married (the original plan) then had a reception at the Rec Center (where we all work
) at a later date. Everyone was really happy with that arrangement!
 

jcat

Mo(w)gli's can opener
Veteran
Joined
Feb 13, 2003
Messages
73,213
Purraise
9,851
Location
Mo(w)gli Monster's Lair
If I were you I'd go with a small civil ceremony now (after informing your family members) and have the marriage blessed and hold the big reception in 2012.

We have a binational marriage, and the Atlantic was between our families and friends when we married 30 years ago. What we did was have a small wedding over here, and then a bigger reception on that side of the Pond 4 months later.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #16

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
You guys all make me feel so much better about this. Pat wanted to hide it, but I didn't think that would be a good idea- plus if I'm married to him, I want to BE married to him. Ya know? I guess after I talk to him today, and we decide on a date, I'll have to call my mom and let her know. I still know it is going to break her heart though, that makes me feel bad, but there is not much I can do.
 

strange_wings

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 20, 2006
Messages
13,498
Purraise
39
Originally Posted by laceface

I'll have to call my mom and let her know. I still know it is going to break her heart though, that makes me feel bad, but there is not much I can do.
How so, really? You said you're having the same health problems that she went through, surely she would understand your need of medical care and would much rather have a healthy daughter.

The family can still make their big plans together and everyone who wants to can be there for that.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #18

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
Originally Posted by strange_wings

How so, really? You said you're having the same health problems that she went through, surely she would understand your need of medical care and would much rather have a healthy daughter.

The family can still make their big plans together and everyone who wants to can be there for that.
She won't be able to be there unless we can pay for it. She will be sad if she can't, and I doubt she will. She won't make a big deal out of it or anything, but I know she'll be sad to miss it.
 

strange_wings

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Dec 20, 2006
Messages
13,498
Purraise
39
Originally Posted by laceface

She won't be able to be there unless we can pay for it. She will be sad if she can't, and I doubt she will. She won't make a big deal out of it or anything, but I know she'll be sad to miss it.
Do you have a friend with a camera and does your mother have a computer? You could record it and upload it to her as soon as you get home. Heck, if you have a phone that has a good mic on it you could have her on speaker phone to at least listen in.

ETA: Actually, if you don't want to send it to her online, I suggest if you can film it that you make her a dvd of it and personalize the dvd with a message to her added in at the beginning or end. You could make copies for other people too and send those out as part of Christmas gifts.
Tell her something along the lines that she's there in spirit/in your heart (sounds nice) and do what you can to include her.
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #20

laceface

TCS Member
Thread starter
Alpha Cat
Joined
Aug 17, 2008
Messages
385
Purraise
5
Location
Northern Virginia
Originally Posted by strange_wings

Do you have a friend with a camera and does your mother have a computer? You could record it and upload it to her as soon as you get home. Heck, if you have a phone that has a good mic on it you could have her on speaker phone to at least listen in.

ETA: Actually, if you don't want to send it to her online, I suggest if you can film it that you make her a dvd of it and personalize the dvd with a message to her added in at the beginning or end. You could make copies for other people too and send those out as part of Christmas gifts.
Of course, I can do things like this... but it still won't be the same, ya know? She will be happy, and I know she won't say anything, but I know she'll care. My elder sister just got married to a man who my family can't stand, and now I'm going to get married (to a man she loves!) and she can't be there, I know it will bother her. I will definitely make sure we get pictures/video/something for her... but it won't be the same as being there.
 
Top