Thanksgiving Predicament

Cant any holiday ever be simple?!

A few weeks ago, hubby, me, and the in-laws decided we'd have Thanksgiving in our house, because I have a bigger kitchen and dining room available for the 5 of us. His mom's counter space equals the size of the island in mine! We got that out of the way, I was going to cook the turkey because I did at Christmas also and it came out great. Now that I won a turkey, I have my "winnings rights" to cook it anyway

The other day, the neighbor invited us over for Thanksgiving. She called and asked who we were having over, and we invited them here since we'd already planned on people coming over. Yesterday, I saw her talking to hubby, FIL and BIL while they cleared logs out front (the rest of the trees from our land clearing back in 07!) I figured hubby was telling her we were having it here, because I have the turkey already, and part of the side items.

Today, I went and got the brown and serve rolls, green beans, and corn to go with the turkey and potatoes I already have. Planned on getting my ingredients tomorrow for my surprise spiced rum cake I'm making. Hubby asked me what we were going to do about going to the neighbor's house. I told him I thought we already went over that Saturday ... apparently he told her what I said, and she put pressure on him Sunday still to come over because they're "having a ton of people and it'll be outside." He asked me if I wanted to make Thanksgiving dinner on Friday instead, and go to their house ON Thanksgiving. Not particularly, I don't really want two Thanksgiving feasts. I told him if we were going to do that, we might as well scrap plans for Thanksgiving here and go to my friend's house as well, since they extended the invite last night also, but I told them thank you, but we were going to do a small one.

Hubby got upset, feeling like he messes things up or says stupid things when people pressure him, which made me sad - hate when he gets all negative toward himself Part of me just wants to go ahead and postpone our Thanksgiving, even though I was excited about it, and go to the neighbors house (but I really dont want to spend the day with a ton of people I do not know), just so he doesn't feel bad about it. He hates telling people straight out "No", and doesn't want to make them angry by saying no. But he doesn't want me upset either.

Ack, just needed to rant a bit. Again, why can't holidays be easy? At least I got my first Xmas card today in the mail, THAT made the day better

I don't know what to tell you I am so not good with things like this, but honestly it was rude of them to pressure him like that and I am not sure I would want to go.

It sounds like its going to be very informal (having a ton of people, probably part of the biker club, maybe family if they have any around here, etc plus being outdoors) ... I thought about suggesting we stop by, bring a dessert or something and spend a little bit of time there while our turkey cooks, but it probably would be rude. I've never ended up in such a situation, and I hate that hubby is beating himself up over it and blaming himself that we have a predicament after she pressured him after he already told her our plans.

I have no advice.... I guess there are occasionally some advantages to being friendly but basically anti-social. We're always nice to the neighbors, but never offer invites and never accept them.

We invited them to our cookouts, because we figured it wouldn't be fair to not invite them when the rest of our neighbors attended as well as friends. Hubby thinks this is them trying to "repay" the invitation, but why do they need to pick a holiday

My friend who also invited us over isn't helping, because she's just insisting to solve the problem, we ALL go to her house Love her though! And her dad certainly CAN cook a mean meal! (Had us over for dinner last night and a couple weeks ago).

I just hope hubby stops feeling blah about it, he thinks its all his fault now because he didn't flat out tell her no, yet DID tell her about our already set plans. I dont want to come off as a *B*, but I've always had small, family Thanksgivings, and feel like doing it again.

Oh, and I'm semi-anti-social too at times!

Your neighbor is being rude, and that's that. lol My husband is kind of the same way, not wanting to tell people no. Maybe what you can do is tell him that everything is fine, nothing is ruined, and you'll do Thanksgiving the way you had planned on before the neighbor started putting pressure on you.

Let him know if the neighbor starts hounding him about it again, he can said, "I'm sorry, I talked to the wife and she said no. I'd love to, but really, I'm just picking my battles."

That way, HE isn't saying no...he's telling them that YOU said it, lol.

At least, that's how I'd handle it. In all honesty, though, your neighbor is really just rude about the entire thing. What ever happened to no meaning no?

He used to be pretty good at telling people -I- said "no" back when we first were dating, especially when he wanted to say no but didn't want to be the "loser" who turned down a strip bar or something, so he'd blame it on me

I reminded him we actually have plans Friday night, with my friend who's invited us over for Thanksgiving as well. I already told her over a week ago that we would definitely come to her turkey shoot Friday, and help her organize it, so that means Friday is a no-go on postponing Thanksgiving for us anyway.

I like your idea of having him tell her he talked with me and that we/he'd love to, but has to pick his battles if she keeps pressuring. He can also say all the food is here and ready to be cooked, cant waste the rolls! And I'd rather not leave my turkey and my potatoes in there another month, either.

And usually FAMILIES are the pain around the holidays

Can't you just go to the neighbors for dessert?

And no it can never be simple. I'm ready to call the whole thing off myself. No matter that I've already bought everything I need. I'm just feeling caught in the middle of some holiday junk myself.

Gotta love holidays! For years after we married, we always did Thanksgiving and Christmas with Charlies folks...mine don't "do" holidays that much. His mom passed away between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2004, since then, we've had the catering service, which meant we worked our butts off those days. This year? No catering, except for one lady who wants a little stuff.... BUT.. we have a good friend who's kitchen is unuseable at the moment, they have no family up here where we are.. so..... she's coming to use our kitchen to cook Thanksgiving, and the six of us will share the meal.. gonna be different!

I would talk the neighbour in a friendly way, she means well. Tell her he got ot a bit wrong, loves being at her house or something so didn't want to say no outright, but that you do have it all planned and partly preppared. ANd then ask if you can join them for a pre-dinner drink, or as suggested, for dessert, and pool your resourc3s on that one. At least that would mean you can delay your clearing up till later!

But these things are always difficult. I have just managed to get out of having 20 of my extended family here for three days over Christmas. Not that I don't want to see them, but they simply couldn't understand that at present I cannot cope with that number, and though they are willing to help, we all know that the bulk of the tasks always fall on the hostess. Now it is down to a manageable nine.

Originally Posted by Tara & Rob

It sounds like its going to be very informal (having a ton of people, probably part of the biker club, maybe family if they have any around here, etc plus being outdoors) ... I thought about suggesting we stop by, bring a dessert or something and spend a little bit of time there while our turkey cooks, but it probably would be rude. I've never ended up in such a situation, and I hate that hubby is beating himself up over it and blaming himself that we have a predicament after she pressured him after he already told her our plans.

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This is exactly what I was going to suggest. Just YOU explain to her that you already had plans but appreciate her extending the invite and while you cant spend alot of time there you would still like to bring something over and spend some time there with them....It can just convienantly help pass the time the turkey is cooking.

Originally Posted by KittenKrazy

Gotta love holidays! For years after we married, we always did Thanksgiving and Christmas with Charlies folks...mine don't "do" holidays that much.

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We used to alternate holidays, the in-laws for Thanksgiving, my parents for Xmas, then switch the next year. My parents wont come down for the holidays Really annoys Rob and I they dont put forth any effort to come see us (all expenses paid for fuel [3 hr drive] and a hotel for overnight) but expect us to visit them multiple times a year. We're supposed to go there for Xmas, but they don't do any real holiday stuff anymore (no presents, small dinner) so we're thinking of just having all holidays at our place now that we have our own house. It IS easier for the in-laws to make it, since they have a few hundred feet to walk I dont know if they have discussed the neighbor's invite yet or not, going to have to walk over and talk to MIL tonight, let her know our plans are still on.

It was generous of the neighbor to invite us, but rude to pressure Rob the next day when he said we already were having a dinner here that I was preparing. Guess I will do the dessert thing and make a 2nd dessert (saving my spiced rum cake for the family dinner ) to bring over.

See that is one of the main reasons I'm not too into the holidays. Dana and I are going to be hermits and completely do OUR own thing.

Just let it slide. Go about your Thanksgiving as you had planned it, and let them do theirs.

If they ask why you didn't go, just tell them that you and your husband had plans for a small, family only dinner, and leave it at that.

Neither you or your husband need to account to them or feel bad for not going. You had plans. He told them your plans. Finished.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Just let it slide. Go about your Thanksgiving as you had planned it, and let them do theirs.

If they ask why you didn't go, just tell them that you and your husband had plans for a small, family only dinner, and leave it at that.

Neither you or your husband need to account to them or feel bad for not going. You had plans. He told them your plans. Finished.

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I agree with this. If you want to go over after your guests leave, that is your choice. But I would continue with your small family dinner at home.

You had already made your plans. So you continue with your plans and, if you want to visit with the neighbors afterward, do it. Bring a dessert to share and that's that. Life's too short to sweat the small stuff.

Thanks, I was wanting to just go ahead with our plans, since they were already set, but didn't want to sound rude by "ignoring" the invitation. I'm going to talk to the MIL tonight, don't know what all they have been talking about regarding it, but MIL, FIL, and BIL are our three guests. I want to let her know our plans are going to remain as they were before, but that we'll probably stop by for dessert or whatever afterward at the neighbors.

I guess what just bothered me the most was it really seemed to upset hubby that he felt he had "made a mess" of things by not giving a firm "No, these are our plans." I hate seeing hubby being negative towards himself and that actually annoyed me with the neighbor even more for pushing him so much about coming over. He just likes everyone to be happy and find a happy middle, even when there may not be one that suits everyone. We're not even super close to the neighbors or anything. They actually were irked with us for clearing our land, because their house isn't hidden in a corner by our trees - they immediately planted a line of trees along their fence line when we cleared our land We wave and exchange greetings, invite them and other neighbors to cookouts, and helped them when a tree fell on their garage in February, but other than that, we don't ever go over there, call to chat, etc. I don't know why it was so hard for her to accept our pre-existing plans.

Sooo.... it sounds to me that this isn't a holiday issue at all, it's a husband issue. You keep coming back to him feeling bad and negative.

It really doesn't sound like it should be a big deal, but I know everyone turns crazy for holidays. It just happens. I hope you can sort it out ok!!

Holiday pressure with a torn hubby that wants everyone happy lol. He really is bad at saying no to people who are being nice. I told him the plan, he's good with it and feels better. He's had a rough week with work since last Thursday or so, so this was bothering him more than it should have... and then starting making me crazy, not knowing if I should cater to them (thinking if I dont, we'll been seen as rude or something) or keep doing my own thing, which I preferred. If it wasn't for Thanksgiving, we wouldn't have been having an issue with it because there'd be no Turkey Day invite!

I say go ahead with your own plans. You aren't ignoring the neighbors' invitation since you already turned it down. Also, the neighbor may not have been pressuring Rob intentionally. She might have just been trying to say, "If you change your mind, you're still welcome."

Sounds like maybe you're trying to make everybody happy, too. Can't be done. So go ahead and do what makes you happy. Have a great Thanksgiving.