Newbie with tremendous GUILT hating myself

I'm here for support..for help. I'm killing myself with my guilt and it's horrendous. I have a long story as many probably do, and I don't know where to turn today.

Trying to make it short, I had started rescuing cats from a feral Mom in my yard that we starting feeding a couple years ago. I should have caught her right away to get her fixed, but I didn't. Because I didn't she had many litters, which I took in most of them...some I was able to adopt out. Anyway...I ended up at a point where I was overwhelmed...living in a tiny tiny home, and no basement etc...but we do have a motorhome...so I did for a while keep some in the motorhome, and we kept it heated in winter, air conditioned in summer...well I gradually bought them into my home after having them fixed.

I bit off more than I could chew because they were too cramped and starting fighting..a lot at times..other times they were okay. I knew I had too many with 14 inside and still caring for the mother/grandma...so after getting crabby one day I looked into a shelter for some. My husband finally agreed, but he didn't want to give any of them up...I made him take 6 with me to a shelter. As soon as I surrendered them, I knew I made a mistake, but thinking of how my kids and others think I'm "crazy" for having so many, I did it anyway. We went home and I cried for two days....finally we knew we did the wrong thing, and decided to go get them all back.

This shelter I thought was no kill but it's not...apparently they do put cats down that aren't "adoptable" or friendly...they only let one of us go back to find them so my husband went with a worker to search the hundreds and hundreds of cages while I waited frantically in the lobby. He came out shaking his head..none were found..I lost it and became hysterical...he took me to the car and tried to console me. I begged him to go back and do one last search...a few minutes later he came out smiling that 2 were found...of course the two that were still there were babies...we got them back...the other 4, they had no idea what happened, so they said. I know they put them to sleep..I know it cause they were still partially feral and no one would be able to handle them except us..and we even had a hard time...

This has been about 2 months now and I still cannot forgive myself...and keep crying off and on...My husband says we need to move on and just love the ones we have...we have ten left. But I can't stop seeing the others and feeling the most horrible GUILT you can imagine. I never thought I would feel this strongly about it...I was trying to be "logical" as so many people kept telling me I had too many cats...I should not have listened to anyone except my own heart. I keep seeing them and it hurts so much...especially one in particular who fought hard not to be put in the cage when we were getting ready to take them...that should have told me to stop right there and then...

I have since had the "momma" cat outside fixed so no more litters will be born...but I just dont' know how to get rid of this sadness and guilt I have for the four that I do believe were put down....it's so horrible. I hate myself so much for doing that...I can't forgive myself for it and I'm not no spring chicken...I have some health issues and recently lost my job and then a month later my Mom...so this is tearing me apart. I have times I'm ok, when I'm on facebook playing games etc...but then all of a sudden I see them and start bawling like a baby...

Don't know if anyone has time to read all this...as a matter of fact one of my cats is sick right now and I have to take him in to the vet..maybe I'm worried about him to and thinking more of the others because of that...idk...I just know that I will never worry about what others think of me and if I want to have 50 cats, I will...no I won't though...10 is my limit...but I feel like it when i see a little helpless homeless cold kitty outside...it's so sad.

You have such a big heart.

You may feel guilty about what happened, but you shouldn't. You do so much for the cats around your house that I doubt so many would have survived today without you. It's hard to quiet that instinct that you may have to rescue every cat that come your way, but everyone has limits and you have to recognize them even if you would rather not. I'm glad to hear that you go the other cats fixed so their population won't get too out of control. Maybe you could look into rescue groups in your area to help with the others?

I know it's hard to let go, but you must. You can't save every cat and you've done a wonderful job with the one you have.

Also, welcome to TCS!

As a shelter volunteer, I see what you're talking about all the time. We're not a "high kill" shelter, but unadoptable cats, very sick cats, badly injured cats are usually put to sleep. We have very few places we can place those cats.

But if you had 16 cats, I can understand why you might be overwhelmed. Sometimes you have to make a hard decision, and nothing can make you feel better about it. Just know you meant it for the best.

By the way, we tell anyone who wants to surrender an animal at our shelter that we are NOT a no-kill, and we put animals to sleep every day.

Originally Posted by mrblanche

By the way, we tell anyone who wants to surrender an animal at our shelter that we are NOT a no-kill, and we put animals to sleep every day.

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That's good....the shelter here won't tell anyone about that. It's all sunshine and roses "we'll find him a good home, yes we will!" and then off Fluffy goes to the suffocation chamber before the owner has left the building. I think kill shelters need to be more honest about that. I know a LOT of people who would not have surrendered their pets if they knew how low their chances were.

Having a lot of cats can be overwhelming, I know. I have 20 inside. And I have a basement and an upstairs! I can't imagine having so many in a trailer. Sometimes that overwhelmed feeling can get the best of you.

Oh sweetheart, I am so incredibly sorry that you have had to go through all of this. As you can see we have 9 of our own, and we also foster for our local shelter and have 3 different rooms that have foster cats/kittens in them right now. I know how hard it is to say no to a cat in need. I too, wish I could help them all, but as hard as it is, I know that I can't. You have a huge heart, but you can only do so much hun... Keep your chin up. We're here for you.

I feel bad for you. I understand your pain. But you did the best you could. You made a mistake. All you can do now is move on and do the best you can for other cats that come into your life. Do that in tribute to the 4 who may have been lost.

I find it hard to believe that the shelter had no idea what became of those 4 others. Maybe they were adopted out. If it were me, I would have gotten answers (or there would have been hell to pay). However, maybe your fears are justified, and knowing for sure wouldn't help.

There are good, no-kill shelters. I'm also in Illinois, and I volunteer at one in the Fox River valley in northeastern Illinois. But there are a lot of them. If you have to take cats to a shelter in the future, please investigate carefully. There is a link on this site to a list of them.

I can't say my shelter never euthanizes an animal. But it is a rare occurrence, and you would be surprised at the medical care they give to cats and dogs, even those with life-long illnesses. If the illness isn't terminal, and the cat isn't suffering, they keep them. Often people will adopt cats with all kinds of medical and behavior problems. I have 5 from there myself who all have medical and/or behavior issues. They are great pets for me. And behavior problems can change with time. This shelter gives cats a very long time to change. Ones that are too feral to ever change, they send to farm colonies. They train dogs to change problem behavior.

So next time, you'll know what to do. Don't despair. If those 4 were kittens, they were probably adopted.

Robin

I know how devastated you feel, but don't let your despair cloud the fact that you've done so much good for so many other kitties. Alot of times our hearts are much bigger than our resources. You were just overwhelmed with the situation and trying to do the right thing. You learned a harsh lesson, sweetie and I'm sorry. The fact that you finally got the mama cat spayed is wonderful!!! And the cats you are caring for with never be without your love--my thoughts and prayers are with you. WELCOME to TCS and please keep in touch. OK?

Get yourself out of the "should-have could-have" game that you are playing with yourself. It will never resolve past decisions and will only make you depressed. If you use this as an opportunity to do things differently in the future, then you will be OK.

I also had outside cats that I didn't try hard enough to trap and fix. I had 17 cats living indoors with me at one time because of this. When reality slapped me in the face after losing some of them to disease, I educated myself on better ways to manage cats and have never repeated my mistakes of the past. And yes, I kicked myself for a very long time.

One thing that helped me a lot was to find a no-kill shelter in my area and start volunteering for them. They can be hard to find at times, as many of them are very small and don't advertise. But they did help me in placing some of the strays that kept appearing at my home (people dumped them on me), and I in return helped them raise money to keep them in business. In the end, I helped to save more cats than I lost through my past errors, and I do feel better for it.

Hang in there.

How very sad for you but you can't blame yourself. You didn't know it wasn't a no kill shelter or you would never have brought them there. I know how devastated you are right now but just love the kits you have at home with you and make them as happy as you can. Stop feeling guilty.

Welcome to TCS. You've found the right place.

Originally Posted by bastetservant

I feel bad for you. I understand your pain. But you did the best you could. You made a mistake. All you can do now is move on and do the best you can for other cats that come into your life. Do that in tribute to the 4 who may have been lost.

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Of course you feel bad. It hurts. It's hard.

But Amy (Momofmany) is right - the very best thing you can do is look ahead, not back. And Robin (bastetservant) gave you the perfect reason - do it as a tribute to the kitties for whom you are crying.

People ask on a somewhat frequent basis on this site - "how many is too many?" And the answer is always the same: it depends upon the individual and the circumstances. For some, two cats is too many. For us, 8 is our limit (we live in a 38 ft. motor home, no slides). In fact - that's stretched our limit a bit, but we can manage - but we can't foster.

A big part of rescuing is education - and we have to start with ourselves. And knowing our limits is one of the most important things we need to learn. How to best care for kitties - or what to do about kitties - we can't adopt ourselves is another important one.

This site will be an invaluable resource for you. As a tribute to the kitties you miss - and for the kitties you can't adopt but you can help in other ways - stick around, and learn how to help in a way that works for you and the kitties.