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I just want to cry

post #1 of 44
11/13/10 at 7:26pm
Thread Starter 
I know that times have been tough for Gary and I, and not just financially. We used to make a real good living in our work together. But things changed in our business, and things changed with Gary's health. And he now lives with pain beyond comprehension - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We "celebrate" three years of this come January. It costs us a lot of money, and we don't make what we used to.

We started our own biz, and have been moderately successful financially. Our consulting work is lumpy, but there's only so many contracts we can take on given our bandwidth. This causes my parents concern and stress, and I understand that, because our medical bills are excessive.

But I get this note tonight from my mom, asking us to consider getting rid of one or two of our cats. Mind you - she has no idea how much they do or don't cost us. She knows how much we've been through with them. They're here with us BECAUSE they were the unadoptable ones - the ones that needed medical care and socialization or used to have behavior issues. We fostered plenty that we did adopt out.

I was... so .... devastated, there's just no other word for it. Of all the ideas to "help" us - this is the idea? She KNOWS how involved in rescue and advocacy I am. It's pretty much all I do in my non-working hours.

I wrote her a long reply, explaining the exact cost of the cats to us, and an even longer bit about the plight of cats. I suggested she visit several shelters, or at the very least stop to talk to one of the cat Rescues at Petsmart when she's there shopping for their dog. She claims to know how much they mean to us... so what the.............

I wrapped up my note with this:

"We used to enjoy entertaining clients. We used to enjoy traveling. We used to enjoy going for walks and hikes. We used to love fishing. We used to love star gazing. We used to love swimming. We used to love drinking wine. Gary used to love cooking. We used to take pride in our RV and wash and wax her every month. Gary's pain has taken all of this away from us. The kitties are the only thing we have every day that make us smile, that make us laugh, and are one of the true joys we have left in our lives."

I'm just.... blown away. I just never expected something like this from my mom! They're kind, wonderful people - but it just seems so heartless - or thoughtless - I just don't know WHAT to think.
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post #2 of 44
11/13/10 at 7:38pm
Your mom perhaps had her heart in the right place.. thinking that a few less mouths to feed would be less of a strain on your finances. While the cats are important to you, she was more concerned about your welfare.

She may have thought that you've managed to get other cats rescued and adopted out, that you should have no problems getting a few of your own adopted out.

Perhaps she did not think or consider all of the luxuries that you are no longer able to do. You pointed that out to her, and hopefully she will have a new perspective on it.

Dont let her suggestion bother you. Only you and your husband can decide whats best for your situation. Everyone has their own opinions and ideas.. but they dont know everything that goes on in your life.
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post #3 of 44
11/13/10 at 7:44pm
You want to know what's even nicer to hear from family? That cats are just cats and not worth spending any money on. If they're sick oh, well, then they're sick and can go die. It's bad enough my father is like this, but so are both of my in-laws. They think my DH and I are stupid for spending any money on the cats and keeping them inside. Though at least the in-laws respect the responsibility factor of what we do.


You mother may not understand that your cats are your children and one of the few brights spots in your lives. I'm sure they help Gary's mood.
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post #4 of 44
11/13/10 at 7:51pm
I'm so sorry. Someone just told me tonight that I should have had my 22 year old cat PTS rather than pay for the tooth extraction she had Friday. It hurt my feelings terribly. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much, if it had came from someone who doesn't like cats. Consider the source...and all that. I guess hurtful words are much worse coming from someone you expect to be in your corner. Your mom probably did think she was making a helpful suggestion, though.
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post #5 of 44
11/13/10 at 8:05pm
Sweetie, I wish I could give you a REALLY big hug right now. Some people just don't get it. I am sure that your Mom DID mean well, but just didn't think before she acted. I used to get that same thing a lot from my Mom as well. I just wish there was something I could do to help both you AND Gary. I will help by listening though, and by sending vibes for brighter days.
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post #6 of 44
11/13/10 at 8:30pm
I realy don't have much to say other than sending lots of and many

Family can say some really crule things when they are trying to be helpful, hang in there
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post #7 of 44
11/13/10 at 8:32pm
Laurie,

My mom is always on me to "get rid" of some of my cats. Almost every email I get from her ends with her saying "How many cats do you have now?"I know she doesn't like cats- it's my dad that loves cats and he has never even suggested such a thing to me. Like you, our lives have changed because of Mike's illness. it has taken over our lives hook line and sinker. I don't think that unless they live in our shoes, they can even begin to understand that the kittens and cats are our only joy.
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post #8 of 44
11/13/10 at 9:18pm
Oh sweetie, big to you. You know, I agree that some people just don't "get it" and to your mom this probably sounds like an easy solution. If someone isn't an animal lover (or a lover of your animals) they just don't understand that sometimes you have to make sure your 4 legged kids have food and you will live on ramen noodles. That is an extreme example, but you know what I mean. You know your babies bring you happiness and you and Gary love them. That is what is important. Your mom meant well, deep down.
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post #9 of 44
11/13/10 at 9:20pm
I'm sorry. What you wrote to your mom is heartbreaking but very clear. I'm sure your mom gets it now.
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post #10 of 44
11/13/10 at 9:42pm
I'm so sorry Laurie
I think even if people say they understand, few people actually do understand exactly what our cats mean to us. This is why I love TCS so much- because everyone on here is on the same page when it comes to kitties. But in my life as well, my parents love Jake but if it came to him being a burden financially, there is little inconvenience they would put themselves through for him, and the fact that I would put myself through whatever inconvenience is necessary if I needed to seems so odd to them. And that is regardless of the fact that they love him and play with him and baby talk to him whenever they see him, they basically treat him no less affectionately than I do. It's just so unfortunate, and I am not sure why so few people would understand that my cat to me is no different than if it was a human baby I had given birth to. So I think your mom does understand that your kitties make you happy, but it's hard for her to understand just to what extent, maybe because she herself doesn't feel the same kind of bond with her animals. I'm so sorry you're so sad over this
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post #11 of 44
11/13/10 at 9:50pm
Awwww, Laurie. I pretty much have the same thoughts that have already been expressed here. You do what you do, which is a wonderful thing. I think you explained it to your mom perfectly, and I send many hugs to you.
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post #12 of 44
11/13/10 at 9:57pm
Oh honey, I know exactly what you mean... I heard the same thing from my dad when he was helping me during my unemployment last year... He said he was going to continue helping me with food and living expenses, but not my cats anymore... So I told him he had no choice - my cat are my family, my babies and if the money came to me, it would go to them first. I would not let them go hungry, period. So, the only choice he had was to let me go hungry, and he would never do that.
In the end he did understand and he never brought that up again... I made it very clear that that comment was not only not appreciated, it was not acceptable.
Months later, I told him in a conversation... You know dad, my sister chose to have a baby, and my brother too - I chose to have cats... But they mean TO ME just as much as their babies mean to them, and you have to respect that. They have fur and paws, but they are my children, so don't EVER ask me to give them up again. Ever.
I know there are people who throw that "they are my children" sentence out there, quite lightly... But to me, and to you Laurie, I know our kitties are... I know this because we have had this conversation before...
Sometimes our parents think about solutions for our financial situation and they see our furbabies as "just cats", another mouth to feed, another vet bill.... To them, it comes down to cutting the cable bill, or anything "extra" you can cut.
For us, they are not kitties, they are our BABIES.
It is hard sometimes for some people to grasp the amount of love and the connection we feel for them...
Your mom loves you, I am sure she does... I am sure this came from a good place in her heart; a place where she thinks this would be the best thing for you...
Sometimes they just need to understand how we just feel about them and what they really mean in our lives.... and that really, no way, we are going to give them up, that is not a conversation to be had, end of story, completely off limits.
Hang in there hon, I hope things get better for you soon... It always does
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post #13 of 44
11/13/10 at 11:10pm
I'm sorry you had to hear that, Laurie. There's good advice, pretty good advice, food for thought, and then there's "advice" that's tossed out there with minimal analysis, perhaps because someone doesn't want to stay silent? Or they don't want to say that they "don't know how to help" I know it's better to be understood than not- Know that you have your TCS family- and we get it -- We will always vibe for you and Gary.
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post #14 of 44
11/14/10 at 4:22am
Big huge to both you and Gary. Im sorry things are so tough for you guys right now and I hope that they get better. Im really sorry your mom suggested that about the cats. There are some people who just dont get it, they dont get that its not about taking care of cats, its about how the cats take care of us. Its how we know everytime they look at us they love us unconditionally, and while those darn kitties may feel they are the bosses they will toss all that superiority out the window to help make their humans feel better. Im so unbelievably sorry you guys are going thru this and I hope things pick up. Major huge and to you and Gary!!!!!!!!!!
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post #15 of 44
11/14/10 at 4:48am
I'm thinking that perhpas your mom doesn't realize how much emotional sustenance you and your husband gain from your cats - but I agree that her heart is probably in the right place, and she was worried, not only about the financial cost, but about the emotional wear and tear on you for caring for these special kitties along with supporting your husband. Your mom probably looks at you and sees the strain, and wishes she could do more to help you. Right now, she just took a wrong turn in her efforts.
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post #16 of 44
11/14/10 at 5:14am
I know that was a very hurtful thing your mother said. Your reply was straight from the heart and hopefully will help her understand how much she hurt you and why.

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post #17 of 44
11/14/10 at 5:17am
Your situation sound so much like Bryan and me it is painful. Bryan lost his business last year and was diagnosed with a disease that is sapping his strength. It has been a hard time.

When my heart kitty went to critical care last week, Bryan and I sat down and rationally planned out how much we could spend and what we were willing to do. When it came down to it with this loving cat that was so bonded to us all the rationality flew out the window. I don't plan on telling people what we are spending to try and save him because I don't think I want to hear some of the comments that are sure to come. I have already heard some from people even ones with pets. It is easy to give advice when it is not your bonded pet. I find some people that are faced with the decisions that we have usually choose to do the exact same thing we are doing they are just not in our shoes at that moment. I know in my heart I am doing the right thing and if I have to sacrifice for it, well that is my decision. When I was in the emergency room yesterday a burly man was signing papers for his dog. When I commented on how hard the decision was he looked up and said, "I thought I was bigger than this." And then he reached for a tissue.

My thoughts are with you.
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post #18 of 44
11/14/10 at 5:55am
Quote:
Originally Posted by darlili View Post
I'm thinking that perhpas your mom doesn't realize how much emotional sustenance you and your husband gain from your cats - but I agree that her heart is probably in the right place, and she was worried, not only about the financial cost, but about the emotional wear and tear on you for caring for these special kitties along with supporting your husband. Your mom probably looks at you and sees the strain, and wishes she could do more to help you. Right now, she just took a wrong turn in her efforts.
Sounds like my family. My sister likes dogs. The rest could care less about animals. She's worried about you. And I understand the strain - I am essentially a house-daughter... not working very much, managing two homes, a sick, elderly mother and seven kitties. My family keeps asking when am I going to "get rid of" the cats. They don't get it. While it was not my intention to keep the boys... I have fallen in love with them as has Doug. They are not going anywhere.
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post #19 of 44
11/14/10 at 6:07am
Oh Laurie I don't have any words of wisdom like the others that have posted but i can send you some big hugs from across the pond
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post #20 of 44
11/14/10 at 6:13am
Laurie, that would be hard to hear from your mom
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post #21 of 44
11/14/10 at 7:11am
Laurie, that is so hard with everything you and Gary have had thrown at you over the last few years. She probably didn't mean it to come out the way it sounded, but people don't always have tact. My Mom used to say the same to me, and when I got Tasha on top of the cats she thought I was totally crazy. But then she came to stay, saw and appreciated the cats not as 'just cats' but as individual personalities who were all part of a large family, and actually fell in love with Tasha, the last thing I expected. And she admitted she was wrong about me and my life-style. So there is always hope for change.
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post #22 of 44
11/14/10 at 8:06am
If I had a dime for everytime someone suggested to me that I "get rid" of some of my cats it's been especially rampant now that I'm facing unemployment. People just don't understand, and yes, even my mom, who I know dearly loves the grandkitties and has gotten a new appreciation for them in the last year, has suggested it. My cats have no where to go, that's why I have them. My cats are my children and they bring me much joy and happiness (and frustration, but they're cats, that's what they do ) so everyone else can just go to h e double hockey sticks!

I hope your mom understands a little better now what your babies mean to you and Gary
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post #23 of 44
11/14/10 at 8:19am
Laurie, I'm sorry. I do think your mother cares about you and Gary and she's just so concerned about your well-being. Many people don't understand how attached we can get to our furkids. Really....our cats become our children and we love them as much as others love their human kids. Many people don't have human kids, so they love their cats. As for us, we have our son, but he's now an adult with a family of his own. Our cats are our family and we love and cherish them. A lot of people don't understand that way of thinking.

My parents have never said anything like that, but it would be difficult for them to do so. You see, my sister has four cats and my brother and SIL had six cats several years ago....all but one passed away from old age and illnesses. Their sole remaining baby is Minners, who, at 15, is now in ill health as well. And my brother and SIL are in our will as our cats' caregivers should anything happen to us.

When Da Pumpkin-Boy died several years ago, one of my co-workers at that time emailed me at home (and at work, FWIW; I guess she wanted to make sure I got the email) and said, "For god's sake, it's just a cat! Get over it!" I was crushed. My heart was already broken and then to read that in an email. It was horrible for me. You know, to this day, I don't like that woman.

Only you and Gary know what you can do. And you don't owe anybody any kind of explanation whatsoever. So, just say, "Thanks for caring about us, Mom" and then live your life.

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post #24 of 44
11/14/10 at 8:32am
Thread Starter 


You are all SO right. The intention comes from the right place, and intellectually I do know and understand that. I just felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart when I read that last night. But especially gven what some of you have had to hear and deal with, this seems like nothing in comparison.

I'm so glad I have TCS, and I can't thank you enough! It's not just that ALL of you understand, you help me put it back into perspective.

It just really threw me for a loop, because my parents are the people that were my role models to become the compassionate person I am, that treated our dog (and their current dog) like a family member, not a pet, and are the people that literally told me on numerous occassions to follow my heart, and "taught" me to walk to the beat of my own drummer.

But they don't live nearby, and I'm sure they feel helpless given our (Gary's) situation. As my mom also said in her note,

"We do love you both so much and wish we had some kind of magic wand that would make Gary whole again. I don't really believe in a Christian God, but if any kind of prayer worked, Gary would be well."

So yes, her heart is in the right place.

I hope knowing how much the cats don't cost us these days - and how much joy they bring us - will help ease her mind.
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post #25 of 44
11/14/10 at 1:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post


You are all SO right. The intention comes from the right place, and intellectually I do know and understand that. I just felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart when I read that last night. .
I know what you mean. I was once told in a vicious PM (not this forum) that the writer wished I would poison all my cats so she didn't have to hear about them in the forum any more.

Even considering the source I was so shocked and hurt by that, just the idea of any kind of violence coming to my cats, I don't think I've gotten over it yet.

{{hugs}}
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post #26 of 44
11/14/10 at 1:27pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post


You are all SO right. The intention comes from the right place, and intellectually I do know and understand that. I just felt like I'd been stabbed in the heart when I read that last night. But especially gven what some of you have had to hear and deal with, this seems like nothing in comparison.
I truly believe this Laurie. I don't think that the majority of non-cat people or non-obsessive cat people don't understand that they are our kids. But it still freakin hurts when we hear something like that!
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post #27 of 44
11/14/10 at 1:33pm
Laurie I think the way you concluded the email to your mom was very moving and to the point. I'm sure she means well in her own way, but sometimes non-cat people just don't understand how much joy our pets bring into our lives. When we wake up in the morning, they're there to help us make our coffee, when we have a tough day- they greet us with happy tails and purr, when we need a friend- they're there to snuggle...and the list goes on. Our animals are our "children" so to speak and I hope someday she understand just how much yours mean to you.

Try not to let her negativity get you down love
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post #28 of 44
11/14/10 at 2:15pm
Unless someone else is paying bills for you, then as I see it, they have no right to ask you to get rid of cats. My son had to close his business this year. I love him, his wife and the children very much. I would gladly help them if they needed help. I would draw the line at feeding their animals. Sorry, but I believe it is okay to have pets when onr can provide for them. Don't expect someone else to do that for you.
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post #29 of 44
11/14/10 at 3:38pm
Thread Starter 
My parents aren't supporting us, I think I made that clear in my initial post, but that's really neither here nor there IMO. I see no difference between pets and children, natural or adopted, and I THOUGHT that was part of the way I was raised - which is why this kind of blind-sided me. Both are commitments for life. I have an adopted daughter. I wouldn't put her up for adoption to someone else because I can't afford her care.

I find your position on this really sad.
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post #30 of 44
11/14/10 at 3:42pm
Sorry to be late to this thread, Laurie. For what it's worth, I think your response to your mother was right on the mark. Hopefully, she'll realize how much joy the kitties bring you and Gary and how much they mean to you. If not, there's probably not a lot you can choose to change her thinking. Please know of all the support you have here and that we do understand.

I'll be thinking of you guys.
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