I just want to cry

I know that times have been tough for Gary and I, and not just financially. We used to make a real good living in our work together. But things changed in our business, and things changed with Gary's health. And he now lives with pain beyond comprehension - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We "celebrate" three years of this come January. It costs us a lot of money, and we don't make what we used to.

We started our own biz, and have been moderately successful financially. Our consulting work is lumpy, but there's only so many contracts we can take on given our bandwidth. This causes my parents concern and stress, and I understand that, because our medical bills are excessive.

But I get this note tonight from my mom, asking us to consider getting rid of one or two of our cats. Mind you - she has no idea how much they do or don't cost us. She knows how much we've been through with them. They're here with us BECAUSE they were the unadoptable ones - the ones that needed medical care and socialization or used to have behavior issues. We fostered plenty that we did adopt out.

I was... so .... devastated, there's just no other word for it. Of all the ideas to "help" us - this is the idea? She KNOWS how involved in rescue and advocacy I am. It's pretty much all I do in my non-working hours.

I wrote her a long reply, explaining the exact cost of the cats to us, and an even longer bit about the plight of cats. I suggested she visit several shelters, or at the very least stop to talk to one of the cat Rescues at Petsmart when she's there shopping for their dog. She claims to know how much they mean to us... so what the.............

I wrapped up my note with this:

"We used to enjoy entertaining clients. We used to enjoy traveling. We used to enjoy going for walks and hikes. We used to love fishing. We used to love star gazing. We used to love swimming. We used to love drinking wine. Gary used to love cooking. We used to take pride in our RV and wash and wax her every month. Gary's pain has taken all of this away from us. The kitties are the only thing we have every day that make us smile, that make us laugh, and are one of the true joys we have left in our lives."

I'm just.... blown away. I just never expected something like this from my mom! They're kind, wonderful people - but it just seems so heartless - or thoughtless - I just don't know WHAT to think.

Your mom perhaps had her heart in the right place.. thinking that a few less mouths to feed would be less of a strain on your finances. While the cats are important to you, she was more concerned about your welfare.

She may have thought that you've managed to get other cats rescued and adopted out, that you should have no problems getting a few of your own adopted out.

Perhaps she did not think or consider all of the luxuries that you are no longer able to do. You pointed that out to her, and hopefully she will have a new perspective on it.

Dont let her suggestion bother you. Only you and your husband can decide whats best for your situation. Everyone has their own opinions and ideas.. but they dont know everything that goes on in your life.

You want to know what's even nicer to hear from family? That cats are just cats and not worth spending any money on. If they're sick oh, well, then they're sick and can go die. It's bad enough my father is like this, but so are both of my in-laws. They think my DH and I are stupid for spending any money on the cats and keeping them inside. Though at least the in-laws respect the responsibility factor of what we do.


You mother may not understand that your cats are your children and one of the few brights spots in your lives. I'm sure they help Gary's mood.

I'm so sorry. Someone just told me tonight that I should have had my 22 year old cat PTS rather than pay for the tooth extraction she had Friday. It hurt my feelings terribly. It probably wouldn't have bothered me so much, if it had came from someone who doesn't like cats. Consider the source...and all that. I guess hurtful words are much worse coming from someone you expect to be in your corner. Your mom probably did think she was making a helpful suggestion, though.

Sweetie, I wish I could give you a REALLY big hug right now. Some people just don't get it. I am sure that your Mom DID mean well, but just didn't think before she acted. I used to get that same thing a lot from my Mom as well. I just wish there was something I could do to help both you AND Gary. I will help by listening though, and by sending vibes for brighter days.

I realy don't have much to say other than sending lots of and many

Family can say some really crule things when they are trying to be helpful, hang in there

Laurie,

My mom is always on me to "get rid" of some of my cats. Almost every email I get from her ends with her saying "How many cats do you have now?"I know she doesn't like cats- it's my dad that loves cats and he has never even suggested such a thing to me. Like you, our lives have changed because of Mike's illness. it has taken over our lives hook line and sinker. I don't think that unless they live in our shoes, they can even begin to understand that the kittens and cats are our only joy.

Oh sweetie, big to you. You know, I agree that some people just don't "get it" and to your mom this probably sounds like an easy solution. If someone isn't an animal lover (or a lover of your animals) they just don't understand that sometimes you have to make sure your 4 legged kids have food and you will live on ramen noodles. That is an extreme example, but you know what I mean. You know your babies bring you happiness and you and Gary love them. That is what is important. Your mom meant well, deep down.

I'm sorry. What you wrote to your mom is heartbreaking but very clear. I'm sure your mom gets it now.

I'm so sorry Laurie
I think even if people say they understand, few people actually do understand exactly what our cats mean to us. This is why I love TCS so much- because everyone on here is on the same page when it comes to kitties. But in my life as well, my parents love Jake but if it came to him being a burden financially, there is little inconvenience they would put themselves through for him, and the fact that I would put myself through whatever inconvenience is necessary if I needed to seems so odd to them. And that is regardless of the fact that they love him and play with him and baby talk to him whenever they see him, they basically treat him no less affectionately than I do. It's just so unfortunate, and I am not sure why so few people would understand that my cat to me is no different than if it was a human baby I had given birth to. So I think your mom does understand that your kitties make you happy, but it's hard for her to understand just to what extent, maybe because she herself doesn't feel the same kind of bond with her animals. I'm so sorry you're so sad over this

Awwww, Laurie. I pretty much have the same thoughts that have already been expressed here. You do what you do, which is a wonderful thing. I think you explained it to your mom perfectly, and I send many hugs to you.

Oh honey, I know exactly what you mean... I heard the same thing from my dad when he was helping me during my unemployment last year... He said he was going to continue helping me with food and living expenses, but not my cats anymore... So I told him he had no choice - my cat are my family, my babies and if the money came to me, it would go to them first. I would not let them go hungry, period. So, the only choice he had was to let me go hungry, and he would never do that.
In the end he did understand and he never brought that up again... I made it very clear that that comment was not only not appreciated, it was not acceptable.
Months later, I told him in a conversation... You know dad, my sister chose to have a baby, and my brother too - I chose to have cats... But they mean TO ME just as much as their babies mean to them, and you have to respect that. They have fur and paws, but they are my children, so don't EVER ask me to give them up again. Ever.
I know there are people who throw that "they are my children" sentence out there, quite lightly... But to me, and to you Laurie, I know our kitties are... I know this because we have had this conversation before...
Sometimes our parents think about solutions for our financial situation and they see our furbabies as "just cats", another mouth to feed, another vet bill.... To them, it comes down to cutting the cable bill, or anything "extra" you can cut.
For us, they are not kitties, they are our BABIES.
It is hard sometimes for some people to grasp the amount of love and the connection we feel for them...
Your mom loves you, I am sure she does... I am sure this came from a good place in her heart; a place where she thinks this would be the best thing for you...
Sometimes they just need to understand how we just feel about them and what they really mean in our lives.... and that really, no way, we are going to give them up, that is not a conversation to be had, end of story, completely off limits.
Hang in there hon, I hope things get better for you soon... It always does

I'm sorry you had to hear that, Laurie. There's good advice, pretty good advice, food for thought, and then there's "advice" that's tossed out there with minimal analysis, perhaps because someone doesn't want to stay silent? Or they don't want to say that they "don't know how to help" I know it's better to be understood than not- Know that you have your TCS family- and we get it -- We will always vibe for you and Gary.

Big huge to both you and Gary. Im sorry things are so tough for you guys right now and I hope that they get better. Im really sorry your mom suggested that about the cats. There are some people who just dont get it, they dont get that its not about taking care of cats, its about how the cats take care of us. Its how we know everytime they look at us they love us unconditionally, and while those darn kitties may feel they are the bosses they will toss all that superiority out the window to help make their humans feel better. Im so unbelievably sorry you guys are going thru this and I hope things pick up. Major huge and to you and Gary!!!!!!!!!!

I'm thinking that perhpas your mom doesn't realize how much emotional sustenance you and your husband gain from your cats - but I agree that her heart is probably in the right place, and she was worried, not only about the financial cost, but about the emotional wear and tear on you for caring for these special kitties along with supporting your husband. Your mom probably looks at you and sees the strain, and wishes she could do more to help you. Right now, she just took a wrong turn in her efforts.

I know that was a very hurtful thing your mother said. Your reply was straight from the heart and hopefully will help her understand how much she hurt you and why.

Your situation sound so much like Bryan and me it is painful. Bryan lost his business last year and was diagnosed with a disease that is sapping his strength. It has been a hard time.

When my heart kitty went to critical care last week, Bryan and I sat down and rationally planned out how much we could spend and what we were willing to do. When it came down to it with this loving cat that was so bonded to us all the rationality flew out the window. I don't plan on telling people what we are spending to try and save him because I don't think I want to hear some of the comments that are sure to come. I have already heard some from people even ones with pets. It is easy to give advice when it is not your bonded pet. I find some people that are faced with the decisions that we have usually choose to do the exact same thing we are doing they are just not in our shoes at that moment. I know in my heart I am doing the right thing and if I have to sacrifice for it, well that is my decision. When I was in the emergency room yesterday a burly man was signing papers for his dog. When I commented on how hard the decision was he looked up and said, "I thought I was bigger than this." And then he reached for a tissue.

My thoughts are with you.

Originally Posted by darlili

I'm thinking that perhpas your mom doesn't realize how much emotional sustenance you and your husband gain from your cats - but I agree that her heart is probably in the right place, and she was worried, not only about the financial cost, but about the emotional wear and tear on you for caring for these special kitties along with supporting your husband. Your mom probably looks at you and sees the strain, and wishes she could do more to help you. Right now, she just took a wrong turn in her efforts.

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Sounds like my family. My sister likes dogs. The rest could care less about animals. She's worried about you. And I understand the strain - I am essentially a house-daughter... not working very much, managing two homes, a sick, elderly mother and seven kitties. My family keeps asking when am I going to "get rid of" the cats. They don't get it. While it was not my intention to keep the boys... I have fallen in love with them as has Doug. They are not going anywhere.

Oh Laurie I don't have any words of wisdom like the others that have posted but i can send you some big hugs from across the pond

Laurie, that would be hard to hear from your mom