Okay, I confess...

I had a bit of a "meltdown" last night...for those of you who didn't read my posts on Sasha's health, he's in stage 2 CRF.

He's reached the venerable age of 18, and I do take a bit of pride in the fact that I adopted him as a sickly kitten (with fleas and tapeworm) and that he lived a long life under my care.

And I am determined to do what's best for him; and I've found some local ressources that can take care of him when I'm out of town...

But when I got home from work last night, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. Bawling loudly freaks him out, so I just laid down next to him in bed, stroking his head and speaking softly as the tears poured out of my eyes...

Saying that I don't want to lose him, but that I don't want him to suffer either; that he's my little buddy and I love him dearly...and that I hope he understands just how much.

Then there I was, talking in a sobbing voice, petting his head, telling him how sorry I was for all of those times I yelled at him or lost my temper...I kissed his little head and regained a bit of composure.

I told him that I promised to do my best to give him a good quality of life. Much later, when I went to bed myself; Sasha snuggled up with me on my left side...and proceeded to lick my wrist.

The rational ones reading this will say I'm humanizing him (and they'd be right) but to me it felt like in his own way, Sasha was telling me that he did love me, and that he did forgive his "silly human care giver" for his yelling.

I'm not ready to write Sasha off yet...can't turn the clock back on his kidneys and that's a shame; but I take some comfort in knowing that his condition can be managed.

I have done this myself many times I think that cats and their owners have a special kind of communication and it's been my experience that kitties are very in tune to our emotions.... I don't doubt for a moment that Sasha was telling you how much he loved you too

Originally Posted by katiemae1277

I have done this myself many times

I think that cats and their owners have a special kind of communication and it's been my experience that kitties are very in tune to our emotions.... I don't doubt for a moment that Sasha was telling you how much he loved you too

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Sasha's previous companion Geisha (lost her 10 years ago - congestive pulmonary failure) seemed to be especially in tune with my emotions...she would often hop in bed and lick my chin purring, especially if I was having a bad dream!

My new kitten - Tiggy - he's probably the first lap cat I ever had...he'll come and rub on my shins, meowing softly...then I pick him up, scratching his ears and he purrs loudly, giving me this lovey look!

Sasha's never enjoyed being picked up...but he's the type who will snuggle up with you in bed, either lying on your hand or (as of late) resting his chin on your shoulder. A few years back he was also very energetic and playful...heck a few months ago he was still chasing his tail at 18!

Sasha understood what you were communicating to him. Cats have much more understanding that most people want to give them credit for.

Don't be too hard on yourself, it's normal to feel what you are feeling, and telling him all about it was not harmful.

In general of course you want to keep up a cheerful disposition, because he will feel your stress and be stressed to, but he understood and comforted you.

I'm so sorry you and Sasha are going thru this. Been there, done that--and it never, ever gets any easier. And I do believe Sasha understood that you were upset and tried to comfort you, just as you were trying to comfort him. Sending loads of calming for you and a gentle head-skritch for Sasha.

Oh

I'm so sorry

Originally Posted by libby74

I'm so sorry you and Sasha are going thru this. Been there, done that--and it never, ever gets any easier. And I do believe Sasha understood that you were upset and tried to comfort you, just as you were trying to comfort him. Sending loads of calming for you and a gentle head-skritch for Sasha.

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I can't agree with you here. Coping with CRF DOES get easier. You adjust, kitty adjusts, all the sub q treatments, vet trips and all, it becomes status quo in time.

When Ootay first got diagnosed I was out of my mind with worry and stress. On sub Q fluid days the stress I felt escalated until I could barely function, until the session was over.

But I learned to cope. I got skilled at giving the sub q and Ootay got used to the procedure. Ootay also soon made the connection between getting the fluids, and feeling better.

I learned to eat something, and do a few relaxation exercises, before doing the fluids, being less tense made a huge difference.

Yes it is a lot to deal with, but it DOES get easier.

Oh sweetie, your post brought tears to my eyes. I'm sure Sasha knew you were upset and was trying to comfort you just like you would comfort him. It's amazing what animals pick up from us. But, living to age 18 just shows how much you love and take care of him and all your other babies.

it DOES get easier

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I guess I didn't make myself clear; dealing with a sick kitty does get easier as you become used to it. I meant dealing with the loss of your fur-baby never gets easier.

Originally Posted by libby74

I guess I didn't make myself clear; dealing with a sick kitty does get easier as you become used to it. I meant dealing with the loss of your fur-baby never gets easier.

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Oh, I see, yes, saying good bye is never any easier, ever.

But I don't think Sasha is even close to that point, is he? He's only just been diagnosed and it was caught early. He's probably got lots of quality of life left, with the tender loving care he will receive.

Siamie (the 22 year old who had a tooth extraction yesterday) has renal disease that was diagnosed some time ago. She is still going strong, though her pre-op labs revealed that her kidney function has worsened. One of the only symptoms we've noticed is that she drinks a lot due to her illness and we have to fill her water cup frequently. We also give her a daily med to help prevent constipation, another problem that comes with kidneys that aren't functioning properly.

I am sorry for your cat and what you are going through. It's such a helpless feeling; I know it well.

Awww bless you hun, you are doing the absolute best that you can for Sasha and he knows this, I think you have held yourself well and a meltdown is totally acceptable. My thoughts are with you.x

You and Sasha obviously have an incredibly special bond... He knows you will do what is best for him.

He was saying You've loved me many years and I wouldn't be around if it wasn't for your care and commitment

Thanks everybody! I'll be scheduling him for his first sub-Q treatment this week...at the same time I'll ask if it's possible to get a urine sample for a urine culture and to have his teeth checked...his appetite might not be the best if he has a sore tooth!