Update on Daughter's Drama (sorry, long)

It's been 3 1/2 months since our daughter up and moved out without telling us. In all that time, DH saw her once and I haven't seen her at all---until today. I had a letter from her in Sept. that started out as an apology, and ended with an F-bomb and her telling me, "not that I'm saying you guys are bad parents...."

On Halloween, the 16 y.o. girl she'd moved in with came by with her bf; I got an earfull from them about how bad things were at the 16 y.o.'s house---all because of my daughter and her bf. Apparently, he's 'visiting' her until 3 a.m., is loud, foul-mouthed and a major bully. From what I was told, my daughter is imitating him. The 16 y.o. told her Dad that she was going to move out of her own home unless he did something about my daughter.

I got a message today from her, saying she needed a copy of her birth certificate. I sent her a text and told her to go to the courthouse (duh). To quote the text she sent back, "they don't have it, did you renew it, the circus (yes, really) clerk don't have it." She then came by the house to ask for a copy; I told DH to deal with her. He asked what she needed a copy for--for an apartment. Who was she moving in with---that didn't matter. Well, that told me everything I needed to know. I made her a copy, called her an unpleasant name, DH told her to stay away from our families, and she left.
And I cried like an idiot, then I got mad.

I've discovered a way to keep track of little things she's been doing---like writing a bad check for $3.75, like the fact that her bf is in his 3rd year at a 2yr. college, that she is paying for all their dates because "he's saving for college". DH & I are assuming the neighbor finally asked her to leave; she was complaining to the 16 y.o. about giving the neighbor $50 for rent because she "has bills to pay!" I'm sure moving out wasn't her idea. I'm also sure that she's going to be paying for everything. Around here, a landlord doesn't ask for a copy of your birth certificate, which tells us that she's going into low-income housing. We have no idea where she's going to be living, obviously.

In a way, this is a huge relief; we absolutely HATED the fact that she was living right across the alley from us. As DH put it, "It's like she and her bf are spying on us." On the other hand, she's finally going to get a taste of real life and I don't think she's going to like it very much. I'm not really sure how I feel right now. One part of me feels like bawling; I feel as if I've been punched in the gut, for some reason. She made no attempt to apologize, which didn't surprise me in the least. She ran into one of my nieces last month, who told her she needed to apologize to DH & me. Her reply was, "Why should I apologize? I haven't done anything wrong." Honestly, it was all I could do to keep from spitting in her face when I opened the door---and I don't like feeling that way.

As DH tells me, "There's nothing we can do about it; she's going to crash and burn all on her own. She's going to get sick of paying for everything because with her it's all about the money." She's actually broken up with bfs in the past because they didn't spend enough on her, so the fact that she's paying for everything now scares the bejeebers out of me. She's going to rack up debt she can't begin to pay, and there's not a thing I can do about it. I'm relieved she won't be across the alley, but at least when she was there I knew where she was and that she had an adult over-seeing things. (an incredibly naive,trusting adult, but an adult all the same)

I know there's no advice that's going to help, really. I know there's nothing we can do about our daughter's choices; she's 21 going on 12 and is making terrible decisions. I'm ashamed of her for taking advantage of people and being so ungrateful for their hospitality. And I have to admit it, I'm ashamed that she's going to be moving in with this lazy, loud-mouthed, trashy bully and basically trying to be his "Sugar-Mama". Most of our family are die-hard Catholics and this isn't going to set well with them at all---especially her grandparents. She's hurt them more than she can imagine. She's hurt my DH and me to the core. I honestly don't know if I can ever forgive her for that.

Thanks for listening; I think I just needed to get it out of my head, you know?

When the time comes, you'll be able to forgive her.

I know that her attitude is beyond hurtful, and as people who love her, it's killing you and DH - let alone having to wonder how far she's going to have to fall before she comes to her senses. But she left you with no choice, and you gave her plenty of opportunities.

Some people have to fail miserable and have their world completely unravel before they grow up and learn how to handle life.
Give her time and hopefully she will!

Until then, stay strong and just enjoy your lives and dont let her bad attitude and behavior bother you! I know it sounds hard, but you can do it!

As hard as it is, you do NOT need her negativity in your life sweetie. Now you can at least distance yourselves from her and know that she is a grown woman capible of making her own decisions, and years down the line, when she realizes she made all the WRONG decisions, she may apologize for the way she treated you.

My heart is broken for you.

Well, a time might come when she finally realizes what she has done and comes begging for your forgiveness....then again, maybe not.

for you...

Oh man, don't I know that one.

Thank you everyone. I can't for the life of me figure out why this hurts so much----again. I thought I had hardened myself sufficiently over the last few months that she couldn't get to me. Instead, I was up at 4 a.m. and I'm sitting here bawling again. I feel so weak, letting a 21 y.o. reduce me to tears over and over. DH tells me that I have to ignore her and everything she's done, that there's nothing we can do except wait and hope she gets her head out of her butt someday. I've never been good at waiting, and I'm one of the most emotional people you'll ever meet. Not a very good combination at the moment.
My Mom told me a couple of months ago, "she has no idea what she's done." I think that's a big part of the problem---she really DOESN'T have any idea what she's done. She thinks she's absolutely blameless, for some reason.
I thought we had raised her to own up to her mistakes, apologize if she'd hurt someone, take other people's feelings into account. Apparently, I was wrong. I don't know her at all anymore.

This probably wont make you feel better but it might. Trust me when I say that no matter what she has done or what she is doing. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME!!! You and your husband are doing what is actually best for her. She NEEDS to fall flat on her face for her to realize that she isnt living her life right. Its the best thing for her, no matter how much you would want to cushion the fall for her she really really really needs to fall flat and figure this out for herself. I only say this from my own personal experiance, my mom raised me better than the way I lived my life and it took me falling flat on my face and getting some major road rash to realize that I was screwing up and it wasnt everyone elses fault. I made horrible choices, hurt a lot of people and still after a lot of years of self hatred and trying to fix everything realize that I need to own up to everything I did and from there things can be fixed. Once your daughter falls the only thing she can do is learn to pick herself up and go up from there or she will stay down but she needs to do it on her own to realize how stupid she really is being and acting. Especially since now her actions have gone beyond hurting her family but are now hurting people outside of her inner circle. Your mom is right...she has no idea what she has done.

to you right now. I hope things get better for you.

no matter how much you would want to cushion the fall for her she really really really needs to fall flat and figure this out for herself

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I believe you've hit the nail on the head. As hurt and as livid as I am with her, I still want to cushion her fall. I don't want her to learn her lesson by totally messing up her life. I want to give her the benefit of my experience. She used to tell me, "I hate that you're always right" and I would tell her, "It's because I've got more life under my belt."

I ran into one of my SILs at the grocery store a little while ago. I told her about the visit from my daughter yesterday; she told me about a run-in her daughter and mine had. I was appalled by some of the things mine said to her's. Luckily, my niece doesn't take anything from anyone, and let her have it right back. It just re-inforced to me that DH & I are doing the right thing. Our girl is alienating everyone, even the cousin she was so close to. So why do I feel the need to apologize to my niece for my daughter's behaviour?

I have a feeling it's going to be a rough day.

You cant make an excuse for her behavior. You honestly have nothing to be sorry for because the people who are having these run ins with her see that its not you or your husband. Its HER. And good for the cousin for dishing it right back to her. Your daughter seems to have a 'God' complex right now that can afflict young adults. I was guilty of it at one point, thinking "Oh thats not gonna happen to me" or thinking that I cant be touched by negative consequences from my stupid choices and actions. I hope sooner rather than later your daughter gets the awakening she needs, whether it be a rude one or not. One thing I thought of that is a little sad is that with this BF she has, what all is he involved in like drugs or other destructive behaviors/actions. One thing she could end up finding out that if she is going into low income housing and his name isnt on the lease or rental agreement and something happens, like she gets caught with him living with her, he gets caught with drugs or anything like that.....it will cause a backlash to come back on her. I know that in my area with low income housing if you (one) get caught with someone living with you who is not on the rental agreement or anything like that you lose your housing but also have the possibility of having charges for defrauding a goverment agency brought against you plus having to pay back any benefits you received. If her Bf is involved with drugs and gets caught that is also another thing that can come back on her because if he is dealing, gets caught, guess whos going to be caught in that backlash because of them living together. Just because she isnt doing it doesnt mean she cant get in trouble..especially if she knows whats going on.

I cant help but feel so unbelievably bad for you and your husband. I know what I did to my family and its taken a long time for us to start putting the pieces back together. I just hope that your situation does not turn out like mine did...well except the happy ending, someones butt getting back into gear and being the person they know they can be.

3Cats makes some good points, especially about the living arrangements and low income housing. Does she have a job?

Libby, I can only imagine how deep your hurt is. I suggest you write it all down in a letter - all the hurt, all the frustration, all this disappointment. Chronicle every instance of her bad behavior and your reaction to it. I find writing very therapeutic. When the time is right, you can give her a copy of it. Don't give her the only copy! Keep it. If you get any grief from other family members or her friends, then you can give them a copy. It will make you feel better, and if she grows up and becomes a human again, maybe she will see how difficult being a parent is, and it may help her when and if she has children.

Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

3Cats makes some good points, especially about the living arrangements and low income housing. Does she have a job?

Libby, I can only imagine how deep your hurt is. I suggest you write it all down in a letter - all the hurt, all the frustration, all this disappointment. Chronicle every instance of her bad behavior and your reaction to it. I find writing very therapeutic. When the time is right, you can give her a copy of it. Don't give her the only copy! Keep it. If you get any grief from other family members or her friends, then you can give them a copy. It will make you feel better, and if she grows up and becomes a human again, maybe she will see how difficult being a parent is, and it may help her when and if she has children.

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She does have a full time job; the bf works part time at McDonald's but is 'saving all his money for college.'

Leslie, it's funny you should mention writing everything down. My chiropractor suggested the same thing a couple of months ago. I've written maybe 9 times now, but each letter ends up being hateful and angry. I'm saving them and someday I will give them to her.
When we started the adoption process years ago, I began a journal for my someday daughter; I kept writing in it for about 6 years after she became ours. Six months ago, when she really began acting like a stranger I gave her that journal. I know she read it; she even took it with her when she snuck out. I do feel somewhat better after I write everything down, but at this point I can't write about anything but the hurt and pain and disappointment I'm feeling. I hope I can get to a place where I can write about all the times we've been proud of her, but I think that's going to be a very long time coming.

We want to save our children from pain and heartache, but you are right that we can't. We do the best we can to help them make good choices, but when they are grown they have their own path to walk down. Sometimes we aren't on the path with them. I hope she comes around soon.

I am on a kind of opposite situation. My parents did some things to hurt me and my DH horribly and don't see what they did wrong. They say that they did it all to protect me...when what they did was horribly wrong and against everything they ever taught me growing up. I was taught to be open and honest especially with family, and they blew that out of the water by going behind my back & lying to me about a lot of things, and judging my DH without knowing him, and deciding I had to basically choose between him and them. They see nothing wrong with the things they have done (I can't really explain them here as they are personal but it has hurt both DH and I a LOT). I haven't seen them in almost a year and they act like they did nothing wrong and have never apologized for the things they did or the hurt they caused. They have instead turned others in the family away from me by acting as if I caused the situation, and even blaming my DH as if he refuses to let me see them or something (completely not the case, I choose to not see them).
So basically, I can understand a bit of what you are going through. It is hard when there are situations like that within a family. She will sink or swim and will have to learn it on her own, it is definitely time she grows up it sounds.

That is a really terrible situation that hurts to the core since you love and raised her. I would consider getting some counseling to help you better cope as you really do need someone to talk to and someone to help you figure out a direction to go for further and/or future communication.

Dont feel bad because all your letters come out angry or hurt. Those are your feelings and you do not need to buffer them because you dont want her to know how you feel. She should know how you really feel how her actions have hurt you and made you mad. Thats well within your right to let them out and let it be the truth. If anything when the time comes that she does read them she can see what a tool she really is being and what her actions caused for other people. One thing I would also do, the family members who also are being affected by her behavior and actions should do the same thing, writing down their feelings. She needs to know at some point how what she is doing and how she is acting doesnt just effect her and her immediate family it extends beyond that. Like ripples in a pond, she can drop the stone but the ripples dont stop there they keep going and going till they reach an ending.

I really hope that she sees what she is doing sooner rather than later. While my actions in my own life were bad and caused some serious consequences Ive seem the ramifications of worse actions. She could end up in jail, or worse from all this. She may think she is being a grown up but what she really needs is a swift kick in the butt telling her she isnt as grown up as she thinks. One thing I always tell people younger than me is to take whatever they can away from their parents experiance or stories they share. Stay with your parents as long as you can to learn what you can...especially if those parents just want to help. Yeah sometimes parents are crappy and kids need to get away as fast as possible but that isnt the majority case. If I lived near you Id find your daughter and give her that swift kick because I just hope she never has to go thru anything that I did, it sucks big time and takes a long time to recover from all of it. 3 yrs later and I still have problems fighting the past and it sneaking up on me, I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

3CatsN1Dog, (geez, I'm sorry I don't know your 'real' name), your last post made me chuckle. (thank you so much for that!) You can't imagine how many times I've said, "I just want to kick her in the butt" (of course, butt isn't the word I use, but I'm cleaning it up a tad).

I think she actually may have an idea now that it's just not her Dad and I that are having a major problem with her. The cousin with whom she had the run-in has deleted her from her fb page. My sister (her Godmother) has deleted every friend request my daughter has sent her on fb. (of course, my daughter is so ignorant that she keeps sending friend requests to both of them. She sent me at least half a dozen before I finally blocked her completely) My MIL and her husband used to have lunch at her place of employment every Sunday just because she was there. They haven't been in the place since she moved out. The 16 y.o. she'd moved in with had told me repeatedly over the years that they "are like sisters". When I spoke with her on Halloween, she told me my daughter had turned into a word-that-rhymes-with-rich. My Mom, who adored her, doesn't even ask about her anymore. I told Mom early on, "you have her phone number; you're not going to hurt my feelings if you call her." Mom just won't do it; she's been hurt too much.

I don't know that any of them would actually sit down and write their feelings on paper (or computer); I honestly think that in the here and now, most of them just don't care. I know my Mom does, but I can't imagine her doing it.

I'm one of those people who is a stickler for the truth; I know that the letters I'm writing are full of venom, but if that's what I'm feeling--so be it. I'm not going to lie or sugar-coat the situation. It is what it is. I'll keep writing when things get over-whelming, because I really do feel better afterwards.

Thanks for making me smile; I seriously needed that.

Oh Libby, again I'm sorry you are going through all this. Just know that you are doing the right thing.

Originally Posted by Dusty's Mom

Oh Libby, again I'm sorry you are going through all this. Just know that you are doing the right thing.

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I know we are, in really do know it. It's just really, really hard sometimes.
Thanks for the support; it means more than I can say.