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Did I GoToo Far Too Fast!

post #1 of 31
11/8/10 at 3:18am
Thread Starter 
I've been very reserved with Emmy since she arrived. I wanted her to get to know her surroundings before I poured on the loving. We were making a little progress every day. She's explored every crack, corner and sink in the apartment and even allowed me to rub her head and chin!! Then I did a stupid thing that set the relationship back!!
Yesterday when I got home from work she GREETED me at the door!! I was ssssoooooooo happy that I lost my head and picked her up to kiss her!! OMG She HISSED and GROWLED at me and reached out to swat my face!! I gently put her down and she made a beeline to the bedroom!! That's where she's been ever since--under the bed!
So throughout the night I've gone in to check on her and got met with more hisses and growls. I even had to sleep on the couch because my presence bothered her so much!!
I don't know what I was thinking you guys, really!! I've always respected a cat's space and just don't pick them up on a whim like that!! She is just so irresistible--sweet face and soft chubby body!!
The bedroom door has been left open--as I'm typing this she just came out, looked at me, hissed and left the room!! I've never had a cat react this way toward me and it hurts my feelings!!
I will wait for her to forgive me. I have to. I understand that she has to adjust to everything here, including me. The first time we ever met was when she was dropped off. She may be still "waiting" for her ex-mama to come and get her. That makes me sad. What is she thinking? She was taken away from her only home and her siblings to come here to this strange place with strange smells and sounds? Ok, I'm rambling now.
The point is I screwed up and I'm confessing it..I feel like a dope!!
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post #2 of 31
11/8/10 at 3:44am
Aw, I'm sorry that happened! You sure must have startled her. It doesn't sound like she ever got much affection or attention before this.

And who knows perhaps she was expecting her old mama, maybe she was dreaming about her, and suddenly there you were. Too bad she (the other person) had to bring her there, but too late for that now.

Don't worry she'll get over it and forget about it, and start greeting you at the door again. But I know how badly you must feel.
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post #3 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:01am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
Aw, I'm sorry that happened! You sure must have startled her. It doesn't sound like she ever got much affection or attention before this.

And who knows perhaps she was expecting her old mama, maybe she was dreaming about her, and suddenly there you were. Too bad she (the other person) had to bring her there, but too late for that now.

Don't worry she'll get over it and forget about it, and start greeting you at the door again. But I know how badly you must feel.
And I didn't even think about this before: she must be going through a "grieving" process. That's what it's about--loss. She can't possibly understand that I do love her and will keep her safe and happy until the end. She's just looking for something familiar to comfort her. And I'm not the one right now. All she knows of is "what's NOT here" for her. I feel so sorry for her and realize that this may actually take longer than I'd hope for. Poor girl. I wish she could understand me for 5 minutes so that I could explain things to her.
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post #4 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:02am
I hope she comes around!!

I have a similar issue with Charna. She has been here three months and just wants nothing to do with humans...well, unless one has cat treats. She has the run of the house, plays with her sisters but wants nothing to do with me. I am not going to give up on her. She was at the shelter for quite some time before I adopted her and upon reflection, they told me if it didn't work out I could bring her back. She is a beautiful cat and I bet many brought her back because she is not a "people cat". I love her very much and someday she will learn to trust me just as Emmy will do with you .
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post #5 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:04am
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellaandme View Post
And I didn't even think about this before: she must be going through a "grieving" process. That's what it's about--loss. She can't possibly understand that I do love her and will keep her safe and happy until the end. She's just looking for something familiar to comfort her. And I'm not the one right now. All she knows of is "what's NOT here" for her. I feel so sorry for her and realize that this may actually take longer than I'd hope for. Poor girl. I wish she could understand me for 5 minutes so that I could explain things to her.
Do you have feliway plug in diffusers going? If not, I highly recommend you get some.
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post #6 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:19am
Oh sweetheart I would have done the exact same thing! It's an automatic reflex for us kitty lovers! I know she'll forgive you in no time, and it's only a matter of time before she figures out that she has it SO much better there with you!
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post #7 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:57am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by otto View Post
Do you have feliway plug in diffusers going? If not, I highly recommend you get some.
Yep, got one in the bedroom and one in the living room.

The bedroom door is open--she's sitting right there in the bedroom "crying". I gently try to approach her--she hisses and runs under the bed. we have now continued this "dance" for a couple hours..Each hiss is more aggressive than the one before...This is insane!!! If I just sit on the couch and ignore her when she comes out then she sees me and hisses then runs back up under the bed. I think I'm going to shut the door and leave her in there for a while. It's obviously stressing her out when she sees me. I'm a little stressed out as well
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post #8 of 31
11/8/10 at 5:02am
No relationship, human or feline, is straight-line. There are always blips and jogs. And sometimes, what turns out to be progress can look like a setback.

I would say Emmy scared herself, and it will take a little while to calm down and realize she wasn't hurt and that you did nothing to her to hurt her.

We have two little fosters right now that, under the right circumstances, love attention, but if you approach them wrong, they will run away, sometimes in outright panic. This is the result of some past experience we can't erase, and Emmy may be experiencing the same thing, to some small extent.
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post #9 of 31
11/8/10 at 5:08am
It will be ok, really. Emmy was just startled by your public display of affection .. My advice would be to ignore her for now---let her make the first move. If she wants to stay under the bed don't worry about it, she'll be fine there. If she sits in the doorway and looks at you, try your best not to let her know you're peering out of the corner of your eye at her. Pretend you've just met her and start from scratch.
I know it's hard, but I firmly believe Emmy will come around. She's just not used to you yet. Strange how a cat can hurt our feelings, isn't it?
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post #10 of 31
11/8/10 at 5:09am
The best thing for you to do now is just ignore her presence. Don't make eye contact, don't approach her in anyway, just go about your business as if she isn't there.

The only acknowledgment you should make of her is to think out loud. Just talk in a soft voice, not AT her, but in general, throwing her name into your words every now and then.

Like Mr Blanche said there's going to be steps forward and backward. Things were going so well, we were all fooled into thinking Emmy was going to settle effortlessly.

But she's now starting to realize this is for real, and will have to go through the grieving process, as you said.

It will all be okay Cheryl, she just needs time.
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post #11 of 31
11/8/10 at 5:36am
She just needs some time to deal with everything. It will be OK.

I've often wished that kitties could understand us, even for just a few minutes so that they know why we do what we do!

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post #12 of 31
11/8/10 at 5:36am
Thread Starter 
THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I'm ignoring her, the bedroom door is opened just a bit. It's a unusually warm morning so I opened the bedroom window for her.The fresh air and outdoors activities have her attention now. I'm going to let her make the first move toward me (again). We'll count this as day 1 I guess.
This is me--I don't really care what most people think of me, take me of leave me alone BUT when I get a cold shoulder from a kitty--especially aggressive rejection--I tend to be very sad about it.
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post #13 of 31
11/8/10 at 7:44am
I over did it with a semi-feral Mama I had in my basement. I just kept go down doing laundry. Ignoring her then I started sitting quietly and just talking to her. I never made another move toward her, I let her come to me. Don't worry she will forgive you. Don't react to her hissing, just ignore her.
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post #14 of 31
11/8/10 at 7:57am
Cheryl, it was a totally normal reaction, sweetie! And of course your feelings were hurt - but at least you understand why, you know?

I think looking at this as Day 1 all over again is a great idea. Working with feral kitties for so many years, I have to say - the very best way to get them interested again is to completely ignore them. Feed her on a schedule, put out treats on a schedule, empty her litter box(es) on a schedule, and let her have her time to figure out you're THERE for her.

I REALLY want to pick up Chumley and love all over him. When he was in the trailer, he was on our laps, purring, loved being brushed... and now that he's over here, it's been three months, and we can pet him if he's asleep, and he may or may not want it. He does get up to meow and greet us (though not at the door) - and if we try to pet him, he just pulls back. We know he's happy here, we know he feels safe... we just want him to be happier - and WE want to be able to love all over him.

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post #15 of 31
11/8/10 at 8:01am
Oh no hun, I'm sorry that this has happened but I and I bet many otheres would have done the same as you did, we just can't resist. It sounds like you did just startle her a bit, I think she's bound to be a bit confused still and it will take time for her to adjust to her new surroundings, please don't worry hun I'm sure she will come round soon. Don't beat yourself up about it, you did nothing wrong apart from showing affection.I hope it all works out real soon.xx
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post #16 of 31
11/8/10 at 8:30am
I would bet money that in a few weeks or months, you are going to post something like this..."Oh Emmy is such a lap cat! Remember when she did that hissing thing when I picked her up that day? Hard to believe it's the same cat. What a love bug.!"

It will blow over. All the advice of ignoring her is good. There may be more "day ones". But she will come around.

You have a great heart, Cheryl!
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post #17 of 31
11/8/10 at 8:33am
Autumn is the same way, I can never pick her up because she will hiss at me too and run for the hills (under the bed). Emmy will be ok tho, Autumn stayed away until she calmed down and then came right back to being friendly again. Now you know Emmy doesn't like to be picked up and this too will pass. Just keep giving her that lovin' you have and she will be ok.
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post #18 of 31
11/8/10 at 8:42am
I've moved the thread to the Behaviour forum since it's more of a behavioural thing.

These things happen, just take it slow,and Emmy will be fine
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post #19 of 31
11/8/10 at 10:11am
I do believe that cats recognize intent and can be very forgiving. She will get over this incident. It might be that she is a kitty that just does not like to be held or picked up (I am not familiar with her history though).

Your DEEP love for kitties in general and for her will help her calm down. She just needs some time to see it, that's all!

A big hug to you and tons of kisses for her!
Marina
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post #20 of 31
11/8/10 at 10:38am
OMG, I'm sure I would have done exactly the same thing that you did when she greeted you at the door, I would have been so happy I would have immediately scooped her up and squeezed her and loved her and and probably scared her, and I also would have had my feeling hurt when she hissed and growled at me. I'm so sorry this happened, but think ignoring her is the best thing to do, even though it's so hard to do. I agree with Otto, though, that talking is still good, so she knows your voice. Hopefully this will blow over in no time
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post #21 of 31
11/8/10 at 10:40am
My Dharma absolutely hates being held and has not once sat in my lap - yet she greets me at the door every evening, wakes me every morning, and follows me around like a little puppy most days.

Emmy will be fine - as everyone said, just talk to her, tell her how much you love her, let her realize that although her world turned upside down, it's stabilizing again and there's someone who loves her every day. She'll come to you and it'll be the sweeter for you knowing it's her own choice.

And you did what everyone would have done....so don't regret that action, just move forward with your Day 1 plan!
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post #22 of 31
11/8/10 at 10:41am
Daisy and I had a very rocky start, so I know how you feel. I was physically attacked a couple of times and couldn't understand why. However, Daisy wanted to be with me constantly, so basically I had a cat following me around that I was afraid of. Now Daisy and I are the best of friends. These days, when I walk in, she meets me at the door to rub noses.

Please don't let your new kitty hurt your feelings. You are used to a very loving cat and it's going to take time.
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post #23 of 31
11/8/10 at 11:01am
I adopted Lucy in 9/2003 when she was 4 months old and she still takes a swipe at me if I approach her. She's very affectionate on HER terms; that's just her personality.

Give Emmy time, she will learn to trust you.
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post #24 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:38pm
Thread Starter 
Emmy just allowed me to lay down next to her in bed. She came up to me and touched her nose to mine. I think I"ve been forgiven!!!
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post #25 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:52pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellaandme View Post
Emmy just allowed me to lay down next to her in bed. She came up to me and touched her nose to mine. I think I"ve been forgiven!!!
awww Cheryl that's a great step forward

Emmy just needed a bit time to figure it all out
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post #26 of 31
11/8/10 at 4:54pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellaandme View Post
Emmy just allowed me to lay down next to her in bed. She came up to me and touched her nose to mine. I think I"ve been forgiven!!!
Awwww.....thanks so much for telling us!
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post #27 of 31
11/8/10 at 5:38pm
I read this while I was at work and I couldn't post a reply, so I'm so happy to read that Emmy's forgiven you. How sweet!
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post #28 of 31
11/8/10 at 6:01pm
AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course she did!
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post #29 of 31
11/8/10 at 7:25pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by LDG View Post
AAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course she did!
She wants to be loved just as much as you do
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post #30 of 31
11/8/10 at 9:19pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bellaandme View Post
Emmy just allowed me to lay down next to her in bed. She came up to me and touched her nose to mine. I think I"ve been forgiven!!!

I'm crying happy tears right now
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