Hard decision

It was great to be able to get some feedback and nice words from you guys.

For those who haven't seen my previous post, I have a 18 year old cat. We've been in and out of the vet's office for over a year. She has:

Kidney disease
High blood pressure
Hyperthyroidism
Dental disease

She's also had:

Bacterial infections
Seizures

Since July, we've been going to the vet about every three weeks with a new crisis. This week, she was totally lethargic. The latest blood panel test also found that her red blood cells are extremely low, and something is fighting her immune system (her Bilirubin is extremely high). That explains the lethargy.

My options were to hospitalize her, run more tests to see if it was liver disease or an autoimmune disease/anemia. From there, more treatment that may or may not work.

I feel like I've pumped enough chemicals into my cat, and prodded her with enough needles. The vet acknowledges that the interaction of drugs she's on (thyroid, blood pressure, and, periodically, antibiotic) can cause/complicate some of these issues.

While she is lethargic, she is still eating, still purring, and still waiting at the door to go outside (and still coming to see me - she just joined me right now). She has a lower quality of life, but still some quality of life. But cats, as amazing as they are, don't show how much they are suffering.

It breaks me up emotionally to not seek the next "drug" solution. I know my cat has pulled off some miracles before, and I'm hoping it happens again. There are a couple of longshots to hope for, and I will hope for those. It is hard to do this, and if she were even four or five years younger, or didn't have all the other health issues going on, I'd certainly be doing whatever was available.

Thanks Kailie! I know, I haven't quite gotten to the point of picking up the phone and going forward with that decision, but I know that's the right one.

My cat doesn't help any by being affectionate and the same sweet cat she has always been. But I don't want her to suffer, and I know I have to make decisions that are best for her (and not just for me).

Thanks LDG and Jen! I definitely want nature to take its course, and to wait for the right time.

I think the low red blood cell issue makes my decision more imminent - her body attacking the blood cells and weakening her. Though tonight she suddenly seems (a little) more active, and is eating more vigorously. If the decline stays the same (or worsens) for the next few days, I will make the decision...

Great advice. And I know seeking me out might be affection, but also might just be comfort. She is eating and using the litter pan; but she is tired. Intellectually I know, emotionally I resist.

She has been the sweetest, most considerate cat, and even in her last days continues to be that way. Makes it harder...

My cat just came back and hopped on my lap, and is so content right now. This is really hard... Humans, unless they are receiving painkillers , aren't so affectionate when they are in pain.

Thanks Stephanie! Great guidance...

duplicate....sorry!

Thanks everyone for supporting me last night. As everyone told me, when the time is right, the decision is pretty clear. Today my cat was no longer her normal affectionate self, weaker than usual, and wanting to be by herself. I knew. I called a vet who specializes in euthanizing pets, and we did it in the home. It was sad, but I realized that my cat left me last night, not at the moment of death. Though this gave me a chance to say goodbye to her, as the vet gave her pain medication...and I got to hear a few last purrs.

Anyway, I did want to say thanks, as I wanted to make the right decision, and hearing everyone's feedback helped.

Thanks Kallie!

I cried and cried last night and this morning, but right now I'm very much at peace with the decision and not nearly as broken up about it as I was before. She was in so much pain, and so aloof, which she never was when healthy. A couple of friends stopped by to say goodbye, and the vet was great. I got to have the cat sit on my lap in bed as the painkiller, and then anesthesia took effect. I got to see the pain leave my cat before she left this world. For a minute, she was brought back, as she really left this world last night, when she started wearing down even worse.

I'm sure it will hit me later (I loved, loved, loved my cat), but right now I just feel a sense of relief that she has had her pain relieved and can move on to whatever is next. My girlfriend joked that she's going to the great Mount Kitchen Cabinet in the sky (on earth, she liked to climb up between the top of the kitchen cabinet and ceiling, and get inside her paper bag).

Taryn,

Thanks so much for the nice words, and I hope you are doing well too. I had that thought today - that there are thousands of others today having to make the same decision. I was glad to have it done in my home, rather than dropping the cat off at the vet.

Here are a few images, including the first one of Mt. Kitchen Cabinet (you can't tell how high up she is, but she's between the ceiling and the top of the cabinet.

Luvmyparker and LDG, thanks for the nice words and encouragement, I appreciate it!

Thank you Hissy. Yes, today it was pretty clear that it was time.

Thanks Blueyed, I appreciate it. She was beautiful inside and out, sweet, and unbelievably gentle and considerate. Even non-cat people fell in love with her. She will be missed terribly, but it was her time and she was no longer herself the last day...

Thanks Otto, that was very generous of you to say, and it is appreciated!

Thanks Nekoha, and everyone!

I am still strangely feeling at peace. I cried really hard the last night, and as we were saying goodbye, and expect that the emotions will come back. But right now it's almost as if Shin Shin (pronounced Sheen Sheen) is still taking care of me, sending me calm energy. I can now see how she was at her end.

I marvel at how she rallied to be mostly okay for two weeks between when she had her seizure, and when her red blood cells started to drop to very low levels. After she had the seizure, she was so weak, but got back her strength. When she gained her strength back, I even then looked at it as a bonus, as extra time we got to spend together.

And the odd thing is this: my girlfriend and I are together for about 9 months out of the year (we split time between two cities). Just after the seizure, and just as Shin Shin was recovering, Linda came here for two weeks. Shin Shin was fine the whole time, warm, affectionate, spending time with both of us, sleeping on top of each of our hips, etc. I really think she wanted to stay around for Linda, and to give both of us one last great memory.

Those last two weeks, she still had that determined look that I loved: I have to come see you. Even though her jumping ability had been diminished, and she had lost her eyesight, she still found a way. She also continued to do what I always called "Shin Shin on our Shoulders": Perch two paws on left shoulder, and wrap around back of neck and perch the other paws on the right shoulder. You could walk around the house for several minutes with her perched like that.

I look back at her last year and marvel. She started roaming around outside like she had been in her younger days, exploring up and down the block. It was comical to watch her try to hunt squirrels, but she tried! When she was a young cat, she loved "hunting" the feather duster. She'd continually jump four, five feet in the air trying to get at it.

The last couple of years, she would walk with me up and down the block sometimes. Or see me from a distance and coming running toward me.

I loved her hiding spots. I found an old photo of her hiding inside the washing machine. Not really hiding spots, but she curled up into a bowl, in a box, or on top of a laptop computers. Of course, the favored place was inside a paper bag.

One day I went looking for her, and couldn't find her anywhere. I looked on the neighbors porch, and she was there making friends with the neighbor and her boyfriend, sitting on their laps.

She had always made friends with strangers. I used to always hear commotion out the front door, and I'd look and see her squirming happily on her back while a passerby was petting her.

I learned about unconditional love and trust from her. One time I put her collar on way too tightly, and she started choking. I feverishly fixed the mistake and she jumped down and scampered off. Not even five minutes later she hopped back into my lap like nothing had happened.

I also remember her gracefulness...like when I closed a formerly propped open basement window that she used to get outside during the warmer weather. She looked at it quizzically, didn't complain, and went off to do something else.


A few memories from her last years:

We heard a crash in the early morning. She had knocked over a chocolate cake that was inside a (fortunately) secured plastic container in an attempt to get at it. I also remember her nibbling on the roses, not because it was unique but because she looked so funny doing it.

I adopted a Beagle about four years ago. While never happy about that, she did gracefully accept the (initially) overly boisterous dog who had invaded her space. Toward the end, they would share nearby patches of sun, and area in front of the gas fireplace.

I really think if there's one thing I'll never forget, it is Mount Kitchen Cabinet. Shin Shin had always loved going inside cabinets and exploring the kitchen (and had been trapped a time or two inside a cabinet by accident!). When I moved into a new condo, our second home, she had to adapt.

I should back up here: she had to also adapt to long car rides (15 hours or so). She never liked car travel, but she learned and had few complaints. I still remember the overnights at motel rooms fondly, where she'd adapt almost immediately, finding new tables and other perches, and hopping into bed with me.

Anyway, at the new condo, Shin Shin had to find her territory, and hiding spots from the dog. I think panic may have set in when I couldn't find her: had she slipped out somewhere and ended up in the open space?

She was instead on top of the kitchen cabinet, in the 18 inches or so between the ceiling and top of the cabinet. Eventually I put a paper grocery bag up there for her, where she made her second home. To get to Mount Kitchen Cabinet, a cat would first get to the bar table chair, jump on the counter, walk around the U shaped counter, climb on top of the refrigerator and jump from the fridge to the cabinet.

I will miss all of this very much. But I know that she was no longer going to be able to do all these fun things that she had been able to do in better health. I learned a lot about grace, humility, unconditional love, acceptance, and kindness from Shin Shin. Even in death, even in pain, she had those qualities, struggling to climb onto my lap, accepting her circumstances, and only hiding away when the pain was far too acute.

Thank you again for your support, and I will continue to come here