Holiday Issues..Advice Please!

Two threads in a row...Haha Im having issues today.

As some of you have read Ive posted before about some major/minor family issues that have been going on. A little backgroud into the current situation.

I was friends with one of the step SILs and she just had a baby, well back in Feb was her baby shower and big issues arose from her wanting me to be involved in helping with the shower so her mom asked me to help decorate even though she didnt need my help but just to include me. A nice gesture however when the SILs MIL found out she pitched a fit basically told me Im not family so I shouldnt have been helping etc etc which then caused a HUGE fight between me and BF against her and her daughter because her daughter called SILs mom while we were decorating telling her that "Im not f-ing family so I shouldnt f-ing be there"

I let that go and went back to being like nothing happened...Fast forward to March. BF and his step brother (the husband to the SIL who had the baby) were planning on going into business together buying a garage BF running it etc. Well when the mother found out she freaked out telling him that his finances werent good enough, bringing up BFs history (the duis etc) and how her son shouldnt be involved in something like that with people like him. Well that again instigated a HUGE fight me and BF against her. After that because I was SOOO MAD (noone talks about my baby like that and gets away with it) it took me almost 3 months to speak to his dad again and another 2 to speak to the step mother. I still only spoke to her because we had to drive one of their cars to a car show and she was going to be there so I got the "BE NICE" speech before we left.

Well since all that has happened, I have come to realize the SIL I was friendly with is very immature and two faced. For me those just are not qualities I want in a friend so I basically cut ties and stopped texting and talking to her. I mean really, she got mad at her husband because in one year he wanted to go golfing for the 4th time...OMG stop the presses a whole 4 times golfing in one year...Really like that is any reason to get mad it was just stupid. She wanted me to drive an hour out to her house so she could drive to the mall. Well I said no because one Im not comfortable driving that far alone and 2 Im the only driver at my house so if BF needed to go somewhere I needed to be here and what if something happened to him while he was working...that day he happened to be under a car for most of the day and Im sorry but I worry about him being on a creeper under a car thats being held up on jack stands.

Well now for the holidays.... Most of us were already worried because the parents house is basically an efficiency apartment, big enough for those two and their dog, so we were worried about the whole baby crawling, 3 dogs (mine and bfs brothers dog are not invited) and 12 adults being crammed in their house. So we had already been talking about seeing if the step mother would be willing to have it somewhere else where there was more room etc. Also to give her a break from cooking and let her sit and relax since she ALWAYS complains that its too much work yada yada yada. Well I shouldnt be surprised because it was already deemed that M and I were not family...M was even convienantly not invited to the baby shower (I only got my invite because SIL got my address from me and gave it to her mom). Well M and I found out that behind our backs they planned on doing the holidays at the SILs houses who cant cook. M and I are both royally offended and mad about this. They promote this big happy family deal but yet her and I are just left out in the breeze. Now BF and his brother dont really care, they dont like step mother they only go for holiday stuff to hang out with their dad.

Well M and I decided that we were done feeling like outcasts so we want to do holiday stuff outselves, if we cant be included in a discussion let alone actually involved in the cooking or anything then why should we just deal with it. Now its not just our family there, its both SILs families..thats a lot of people and their houses are not much bigger than my trailer.

Well BF is mad at me because he thinks Im doing it deliberately. I want to explain to him, its not the fact that they are doing the holidays, its the whole principle behind what they did and how they are doing it. We are supposed to be this big happy family yet why are the four of us always excluded in everything, like if they do a 'family' shopping trip, or going to the movies etc. Little stuff like that plus my past with the step mother and her being a tool. I want BF to understand why I am sticking to my guns on this one, why its just too much added up to push aside and pretend nothing happened. He thinks Im just trying to make everyone mad, thats not the case I standing up for myself....the one thing he has been trying to make me do for years now.

Im trying to decide, do I try and calmly discuss this with BF without starting a fight... I know that if I word what I want to say wrong BF will think Im trying to go against his dad and thats not the case, his dad is the unofficial peacemaker. So do I talk to BF and hope it doesnt become a fight or should I just go behind his back and text his dad and tell his dad that I need to talk to him and for him to come over to my house alone so I can tell him what Im thinking and how I feel about this and why I feel the way I feel about it and see what he says. I have issues with his dad but all in all his dad really is a good person, he treats his kids and the step kids all equally, its the wife that puts up that dividing line, shes the one who makes it known that her kids are perfect can do no wrong type deal. I want this to be resolved but the girly girl inside of me reallly wants to yell and scream at BF to stop being a dbag and defend me, I want him to see my point and defend me and take my side. So I dont know what to do, push it aside and just say whatever or take a stand and say something about it. I get mad too because I feel like BF is a hypocrite, we have to be up his dads butt for everything but he cant manage to take an hour out of his day on the holidays and play happy at my moms house. So that is part of me being mad too, if I have to go to his dads then he can play happy and go to my moms but he will cry whine moan and complain the whole time and be miserable.

I just dont know what to do about it Im sick of all the crap and I just dont want to go. Ugh I seriously hate families....honestly there is only one reason I go to my moms and if it werent for that...well truth be told...I wouldnt go. But the whole thing with BFs family...well I dont know what to do about it.

Do I shut up and deal with it...or do I stand my ground and make it known Im not happy and something needs to be done...Its not even just for me its for M too shes the only person in the family that gets where Im coming from because the same thing happens to her. Her and I have banded together.

Absolutely stand up for yourself and do what YOU feel is right doll. As you know, I've recently had to do the same thing myself with my family recently. Dana and I decided that we're just going to do our own holiday stuff this year and stear clear of everyone else and their drama. I've spent far too long trying to make everyone else happy and now it's time to do what makes ME happy. Sounds like you need to do the same, and hopefully if you can sit down and calmly explain how you feel with your BF, he will understand and support you.

I hope BF understands too. The thing I know Ive got to stress to him, this isnt against his dad, its the principle behind what they did and how it was done. All it would have taken was one single lonely text message saying "hey C and A were thinking about doing holidays at their houses so there is more room for everyone. Do you guys want to help or even bring anything?" Thats it, thats all M and I want/ed out of the whole thing, instead it felt sneaky and underhanded like her and I needed to be excluded because we dont have a marriage certificate. M and I have been with the guys longer than the other one have been together and married....so how does that make us less. It just makes us feel insignifigant like we dont matter. Thats the point behind it.

Sometimes its hard to get stuff past what Bf already thinks about something...swaying him to understand my way of thinking is like trying to move an angry bull with a spoon...pointless. He gets stuff stuck in his head and then it just doesnt budge. So somehow Ive got to get thru to him that its nothing against his dad, Im not trying to make him choose between me and his dad, but that I would appreciate him standing up with me because how things were done were sneaky and underhanded and just seems shady. If M and I arent considered family because we arent married well then so be it but dont promote this happy go lucky we are all one big happy family like the brady bunch thing and then turn around and do things the complete opposite. Part of me does feel like a giant richard because I dont want to hurt his dads feelings his dad really does go out of his way to try and include M and I in everything along with the guys. When we all went out to eat the other weekend his dad was the only one who came over to talk to us, noone else said anything, there was a definate dividing line between his kids and hers.

M and I were talking the other day and part of us wonder if the step mother even realizes that she does what she does and that the things she says are just absurd sometimes and are quite offensive...Like the one time she made the comment that being gay was hereditary because one of her cousins is gay and so is her cousins daughter...I got really mad, Im sorry but that was just absurb and off the wall. Or how she makes digs all the time about us having cats, her husband got staph infection in his arm but no it wasnt staph infection it was because he is 'allergic' to cats. ??? that one boggled my mind. Its little things that get said that half the time I wonder if she really realizes how offensive and rude she really sounds. I never ever say anything because I fake the happy because thats what BF wants me to do. But there are times where I just want to scream and shout at her telling her how unbelievably absurd and mean hearted she is.

I think Im going to send BF and text and tell him that I want to talk to him tonight about the whole situation but I dont want to fight and let him know flat out it has nothing to do with me making him pick and choose between me and his dad because that isnt the case. But I want him to understand why I feel the way I do about this and that I feel like the way he is acting about it makes me feel like he doesnt care about how I feel and that I need to push my feelings aside for him and constantly let everything go and never get mad about anything but he cant bend for me. This is just one of those situations where two bossy 'its my way or the highway' people are going to have some issues dealing with.

You know what...this is that moment where I just wish I had no family whatsoever because then I wouldnt have to deal with this fudge. And to think I was actually looking forward to standing up for myself and actually being able to cook. M and I had it all planned out..I make pumpkin pie she makes apple and her BF gets a free turkey from work...but noooo now its all gotta get fudgied up by stupid stuff!!! Stupid feelings..why cant they just be numb!

If your BF isn't listening to you and is not standing up for you to his family, then you've got bigger problems than what to do for the holidays. This is one reason why I'm thankful I don't live closer to either side of our family! It's always so much more peaceful when it's just DH & I for the holidays.

No advice to give, just . I hope for a peaceful resolution for you.

Ive decided that I dont even care about going or not going. Its the point behind it seeming sneaky about how everything came about. So tonight Im going to talk to him and tell him, I dont care about going but I want him to understand why it bothers me so atleast then from there we can decide what to do but he will have no choice, if we go to his families then he has to go to mine...Happy face and all! Regardless though Im not letting those jerks ruin my holidays because they want to be selfish buttheads.

I don't know what to tell you.....just that I hope you can get it straightened-out. I know that family problems can be awful and they can tear the entire family apart.

Originally Posted by stephanietx

If your BF isn't listening to you and is not standing up for you to his family, then you've got bigger problems than what to do for the holidays. This is one reason why I'm thankful I don't live closer to either side of our family! It's always so much more peaceful when it's just DH & I for the holidays.

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Yeah, wondering about that bf's love/loyalty too.

Hope you find a peaceful resolution to all this

My family holiday drama comes from my family being pains in the butt, and lying Last year we paid for my parents to come down for Xmas and stay in a hotel (well, my MIL paid for the hotel room because she got a discount from her manager friend and put her card on file). My mom refused to accept the payment and paid herself, then this year starts flipping out saying we never offered, we're full of s&$*, etc. I haven't even asked them about if they want to come for Thanksgiving or not, cuz they'll probably say no. Just like for Easter last year I had a ham to cook, they left for home without even telling me (called me when they pulled in their driveway, while my ham was cooking!). I asked them to come for a Labor Day cookout with clams and oysters, and my mom immediately said "no, but your father and brother can go if they want." Knowing my dad didnt have the money and my brother would go to work if she didn't come. Hubby and his family cant understand why they cant make an effort once or twice a year to come down here (only 3 hours), yet expect us to be there at least once a month (we definitely cut back on visits). Thanksgiving is at our house this year, so the in-laws will be walking over for dinner Xmas is at their house this year. Even though hubby now wants to just stay here for every holiday, I told him we still have to make somewhat of an effort. My mom's a poop sometimes, but still my mom.

Have you ever thought about inviting just your BF's mom over for a nice visit. Brew up some coffee/tea mid afternoon. Just the two of you. It might seem awkward at first but you must have some common ground to talk about? Maybe getting to know one another without other family members being involved might help smooth the relationship?

Originally Posted by GailC

Have you ever thought about inviting just your BF's mom over for a nice visit. Brew up some coffee/tea mid afternoon. Just the two of you. It might seem awkward at first but you must have some common ground to talk about? Maybe getting to know one another without other family members being involved might help smooth the relationship?

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See with that there is a slight problem. Up until Feb (pre baby shower) I never had a problem with her I actually used to enjoy spending time with her and things were ok. It wasnt until she offended me to the point where I had to walk out of her house bawling like a baby because she blatently told me that I shouldnt have been asked to help decorate for the shower because I wasnt family and that it should have been her down there. However at that point I did not know that she had been asked to help but declined because she was supposed to be working on a stained glass job she had to finish. Needless to say after that situation and the attempts that were made to difuse the situation I let it go. Then a month later she went out of her way to offend the living bejeepers out of BF and his past with drinking, Im sorry but after 2 yrs of being sober, and about 3 months of being off probation and still keeping his nose clean dont you think its time to stop using it as an excuse to insult/offend someone. The 2 years him and I were on probation we could have gotten away with murder, we were never bothered never questioned about anything we just did what we had to do and probation left us alone. Its now coming up on 3 yrs for both of us and its still something that gets tossed in our faces with regularity by her.

I do wish that things were different but honestly, there is only so much I can keep pushing aside till I just get so mad I cant let it go anymore and I stew on it and it festers. I am still nice to her, I still talk to her but I dont just ignore the stupid rude comments she makes. I stand up for myself about it now and if need be I will put her in her place. I would do the same thing to my own mother if I had to and I have had to in some situations. I spend 20 some odd years being the door mat everyone walked all over and I have finally started taking a stand for myself.




*I finally talked to BF about the whole situation and let it ALL out. I told him that it wasnt anything against his dad at all (his dad and I had some issues before but we worked thru all of that now) if anything his dad was the best part of the family because he treats his kids and the step kids equally. When his dad plans something EVERYONE is asked their opinion or given a choice and he includes everyone in everything. But I told him I didnt care that they wanted to do the holidays, that wasnt the point behind me being mad, my point was that the whole thing came about as being sneaky and underhanded because it was done behind everyones backs that A and C were going to do everything and not only that but if we needed more room just for A, A, A, C, N, T, C, S, M, A, T, and C PLUS the 3 dogs that are actually invited and now it turns outs that there are atleast 6 more people coming too. The houses that are going to be holding the holidays are not big enough for it to be comfortable for everyone to be there not to mention the fact that there isnt enough table space for everyone or chairs. Its just too many people along with the sneaky and underhandedness of the situation. I told him all it took was when they were planning it to send a text, they didnt even have to actually call us or anything, but just to say "hey we were thinking about doing the holidays not at S's house do you guys want to help/ bring anything/ or have an idea for a solution." That would have been fine because then it wouldnt have seemed like another exclusion for me and M. Its bad enough that according to S we arent family because we arent married to the guys. Our stand point is one its not something we feel the need to rush in for, and 2 we really dont need a piece of paper to define our relationship just to feel included in something. But I told BF, that basically he can decide if we go or not but I wanted him to atleast understand where I was coming from on the situation and if we dont go then fine, if we go fine, but regardless if he wants to hang out with his dad that day, fine I dont care because I actually enjoy hanging out with his dad because his dad goes out of his way to talk to me and M when we are around.

I took me a while to work up the guts to say something to BF because my biggest worry was offending him. But when I let it all out even the parts about how even though it sucks going to my moms because everyone is boring and noone talks we dont go for her or the food we go to see the girls and that I still appreciate that a week or two before the holidays she calls everyone to find out when the other families are eating so she can plan to do it earlier or later so everyone can show up and even if we cant be there to eat she understands and doesnt throw a fit about it. So in the end of it all, he understands where I was coming from and didnt completely get why it took me so long to tell him what the whole problem was........yeah I can be chicken poo because I dont want to offend him.....but he agreed that the whole thing was pretty sneaky and underhanded and he respects the reason why I feel the way I feel about it and that if I feel that strongly then I can cook here at the house for the 4 of us that dont want to go. But also that for Christmas we are not going to the other persons house, its fair if we arent going to one we dont go to the others but that we will plan something for later in the evening to spend time with gram and his dad. Plus that night we pick up the girls from my moms for them to have Christmas here at our house and a big candy filled sleepover. So needless to say, I was worried over nothing because while he at first was irritated because he thought I was being snotty once I got it all out he understood what I was saying and actually agreed with me. I hate having these kind of confrontational talks with him because we are both so definate in our opinions and feelings about stuff...I guess thats what I get for being with a Republican when Im a Democrat...lmao...not to mention that we are both dominant people and both want to be the boss and both want things our way....we can argue over the dumbest things...like whats better closets or dressers, how to do laundry or even something as goofy as how to make grilled cheese. We are so weird but there is no doubt in my mind that he loves me even though he is beyond loyal to his dad, I can respect that his dad is the only person he has ever had there for him thru everything his mom abandoned him so all he ever had growing up was his dad brother and gram...if someone asked for him to choose between those 3 and something else....well that something else would get the boot and thats something I can respect even if he can be a richard about it sometimes.

It sounds like it's going to work out for you!