What do you quarrel about as a couple?

We don't quarrel. My hubby gets stressed sometime because of his job. But I can tell when that is and I give him space. Personally, we just talk about what we need to and settle things. We just don't quarrel.

I'm honestly very happy to say that Jack and I rarely ever "quarrel". It's such a blessing to know that I can sit down with him and we can talk things out calmly anytime something comes up in our relationship. We're not perfect, but we always try to "fight fair" and hear what the other person has to say; I think that's honestly what has made our relationship work out soo well

My ex husband was very, very absusive and I always felt like I was walking on eggshells around him because he would constantly throw things, yell, and pick fights. I was always terrified of him because of it. Once I got out of that bad situation I made sure that I went to counseling for myself before I started dating again and I'm soo glad that I did! I learned that it's perfectly normal to have disagreements with people and it doesn't mean I'll be abused; you just have to learn how to fight fairly. I am soo greatful that that God has blessed me with a good man like Jack that not only suites me in every single way, but he also understands what I went through in the past and always makes an effort to make sure that if we do disagree, we fight fair. We're never going to agree on everything and our relationship will never be perfect, but I am very content knowing that when we do disagree on something, we know how to get our points across without hurting each other.

Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

we always try to "fight fair" and hear what the other person has to say

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DH and I have horrible communication. He always walks away when we need to discuss something disagreeable. And both of us fight below the belt when we argue. I'm glad to see that so many of you have good relationships.

Lately it's about the medical procedures that need to be done for him, and him saying he wants to kill himself.

As a standard we argue about all of the above in the questionnaire but this year we've finally gotten around to having rational discussions most of the time except when it comes to his health.

Originally Posted by Primula

DH and I have horrible communication. He always walks away when we need to discuss something disagreeable. And both of us fight below the belt when we argue. I'm glad to see that so many of you have good relationships.

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It's something I've had to learn...it definitely didn't come natural for me. After going through a really abusive previous marriage/divorce...I had to learn how to balance things....first I was too scared to "fight" or stand up for myself, then when I got a little more confident I went to the other extreme and got soooo defensive and protective of myself (not wanting to get hurt again) that I started not to fight fairly. The counseling sessions I went to right after my divorce really helped me find a good middle ground!

It doesn't happen often, but there are some times when I feel like I'm going to loose my temper and say something I'll regret. When that happens, I'll tell Jack or whomever "I need to step away for a minute" and I'll go into another room and breathe for a little bit so I can think things through if I need to. Once I'm calm, I'll go back and talk things out calmly. Normally I don't have to do that and we can sit beside each other and talk, but every once in a while I need a breather for a few minutes...I don't want to say something I'll regret, you know?

Lady Hitchhiker, I am so sorry for your troubles.

Originally Posted by StarryEyedTiGeR

I don't want to say something I'll regret, you know?

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I regret a lot of my behavior during my marriage.

Thanks Primula. I'm at a loss. He hurts all the time and when he hurts, I hurt. He weighs close to 400 pounds, he needs varicose vein surgeries done (again on both legs), the doctor wants him to do gastric bypass surgery and he has almost no mobility and constant pain in one of his ankles. My sister just told me to tell him he's being a big baby, to suck it up, and get his stuff done, but it's not that simple and I can't be that mean. Obviously if he's feeling that he's not useful, and he'd be "better off dead", there's probably something chemically wrong with him too, and he needs to be on meds and probably be in counselling. Getting him on those meds though, or for some counselling, that is a journey I have had no progress with so far. I'm gonna need counselling pretty soon though walking beside him on this journey, though.

If I had to go through this with DH, it would be murder. He is the biggest baby when something is wrong with him.

LOL Isn't that right? My husband is worse than the worst toddler when it comes to him not feeling good....

Originally Posted by LadyHitchhiker

LOL Isn't that right? My husband is worse than the worst toddler when it comes to him not feeling good....

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Once my husband went blind overnight. He came downstairs and asked me how many Ibuprofen could be taken at one time. He must have gone blind since he couldn't read the bottle directions himself. He also asked me how many should he take. I guess he forgot that I'm not a pharmacist.

I am being sardonic, BTW, of course he didn't go blind. He just acted like he did.

We fight a lot more then I would like...especially for only having been married a year.
We fight about money...well not really fight but we have a lot of stresses about money and we end up arguing because of it. I don't make much because we decided I would stay home and do daycare. Daycare has not taken off as much as I would like it...and I keep telling him I think I should go back to working full time but he doesn't want me to, and I don't want to either. I love being able to work from home, and do the housework, I just wish I made more. And I hate that I feel like I think I need to ASK for things because he makes most of the money. He stresses that he doesn't make enough to support us and feels like he isn't doing his job as the man of the house. I try to tell him that I don't expect him to support us fully but he still thinks he should be able to.
We also fight about cleaning. I had extensive chores growing up. I HATED it. Every day, doing dishes, sweeping, keeping the house spotless. If we were having company over, it was hours of cleaning while my mother screamed and freaked out if our house looked any less then perfect for guests. It was horrible for me, so I don't have super high standards for cleaning I guess. I mean everything is in its place, dusted, swept, mopped, dishes done and cat messes cleaned, every single day. But he is adhd and a little ocd about house stuff, so he always wishes it was done a little better.
We both have combative personalities and fighting between us it bad. I have been trying to be better. I grew up with a mom who had a temper....screaming, yelling, slamming doors....i unfortunately inherited it. He has anxiety issues, so when we both fight, we end up just having to walk away from it and calm down so we can talk things through.
Oh and we also fight about his depression. i think he needs to see a therapist again, he says he saw one for so many years and all they did was shove tons of pills down his throat that made him feel like he was just doped up all the time and he hated it, so he doesn't think therapy will work. I just get sick of him being negative all the time and everytime something bad happens in our life (allllllllll the time it seems!) he takes it hard, and I have to try to cheer him up and remind him that life is full of struggles and we are here to overcome them. So I think it kinda balances out, his negativity and my trying to always stay positive but its hard sometimes!

Holy Moses, Danielle, you have a lot on your plate! I think money problems can be the most devastating for a couple. I explained earlier that I wanted to avoid that from the get-go and we have by being financially independent of each other. But you are very young and you need each other financially to make ends meet. Sounds like your husband (forgotten his name, but I know it's a nice name) over-thinks everything and is prone to beating himself up. That's hard to live with. I think you have to keep in mind what brought you two together in the first place. Material things mean nothing if you have love.

I keep reminding him that love matters more then material things. I tell him every day that I love him for all he does and tries to do for us. And he sometimes lets stresses (a LOT work related, and money related....or due to the fact that we have awful luck ) take over but he is usually good at telling me he appreciates me.
I know bad luck seems like it shouldn't be so stressful...but.... in the past year my jeep has broken 3 times, his car has had issues that caused it to stop running 3 times, our truck has needed an alternator replaced and it's front tire has blown twice (the jeep & truck are both 10 yrs old and neither are super reliable...). We have had a squirrel dig into our wall from a closed up chimney & get into the house, his trail bike was stolen, 2 cats passed away, our wedding was completely screwed, our memory card w/ all wedding/honeymoon pictures on it was lost the day we got back from our honeymoon (we eloped, so they were the ONLY pictures of our wedding)....I could go on but I won't bore you
Korey (DH) definitely does over think EVERYTHING, and I am prone to over analyze and over talk everything but we are both learning the ins and outs of marriage and relying on each other...it is definitely a learning process.
I just tell him that eventually our lives will settle down and we will grow old laughing about how crazy things were when we were in our 20's.

Two of the most important things you have are your youth and your health. Everything will work out if you really care for each other. Any guy that is totally loved by a blind kitten (Billy) is a very good guy.

Originally Posted by Primula

Wait, he went to China and when he returned, you'd moved in?

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Sorry I was slow getting back to this one! Pretty much yeah, we had kind of discussed in a bit, but he didnt think I was serious. I said I was going to house sit and watch Joey for him and I had said I was going to start searching for a job in Knoxville and ended up moving in while he was gone. Fun month
But honestly I think this is the only way we would have moved in together. He is a commitmentphobe and if I didnt make a huge move like this, I probably would have still be miserable at home!

I couldn't even vote for two reasons..........First all of the above wasn't a choice, second I have been single for the past 4 years because of this!

I am a neat freak, but with my medical condition and the fact I still put in 12-14 hour days, I don't have the energy to clean like I used to. DH is a complete slob and will barely use a trash can. I had a few screaming fits about it lately, and credit where it is due, he is getting a little better. He takes out the trash now, and I praise him like a kitten that has just used the litter box for the first time. He doesn't really care for the tummy rubs, though.

Originally Posted by krazy kat2

He doesn't really care for the tummy rubs, though.

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You could rub something else.

Originally Posted by capt_jordi

But honestly I think this is the only way we would have moved in together. He is a commitmentphobe

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Some men like the status quo. If you want to get married, this may take time now since you are living there and he will think that is sufficient commitment.

Originally Posted by Primula

You could rub something else.

Some men like the status quo. If you want to get married, this may take time now since you are living there and he will think that is sufficient commitment.

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LoL I'm fine with it taking a while honestly. I'm 23 and he's 24 but we've been dating 8 years this December. So ya know, just living together is a huge step, and honestly we are extremely happy!