So hurt by dad

My dad sold our farm a few years back and he paid my sisters down payment on her house and thousands of dollars on credit cards debit and then he built a house that he was supposed to leave to me. My sister has him convinced that I am of a fraile mind I guess he has decided to put the house and land that we still have in my sisters kids name, and to give me a life time diary here and he says its the same as me owning it. Which it isn't I will always have them hanging the property over my head and always have to ask them before I do anything and if I have kids they will get nothing so basically all of the farm has gone to my sister and the sad thing is I have been the one to set my life on hold and stay here and help him and its like I don't even matter to him. He has always treated her better than me but I felt like since he knew she never wanted this house he would be fair with me he knew that if I didn't have kids I would leave the place to his kids anyway. And he says him putting it in their name, and they are 4 and 2 years old so my sister will have control, and giving me a lifetime diary is the same as leaving the house to me but it isn't and when I tried to discuss it he yelled and called me stupid and it really hurt me. The whole thing hurts. I have never wanted to live anywhere but here and she has only wanted the money the place would bring and always talks about how she hates to see the day I have to move because all of my stuff. And she does it infront of him and he knows she is like that but still he would rather it not go in my name they say that I would just marry some crook and loose it anyway so they don't think I should have it in my name. What kind of father does this to their kids and makes such differences with their kids. He raised me when my mom left but he has always treated me like I had a wooden brain. And I know part of it is because I look like my mom but I can't help that. He shouldn't have married her anyway she was 14 and he was 38 and he treated her poorly and that's why she left.

The only thing I know to do is once I get my taxes and I can buy a new car, as mine broke down and I am using his, is to get my own place and start saving and just do what is best for me and let them all have the place. But it hurts so much he knows how much I love this place and then he leaves it to her kids.

I've seen it in several of your posts about your family, why the heck do they think so little of you? Is there any reason they do not think you are fit to take care of yourself and make your own decisions?

To be honest I don't know why. I work and I come home and take care of my cat and clean the house and watch my sisters kids and basicaly feel like a servant but I have no idea why they think so little of me the worst ones in the family are my dad and my sister and her husband. My dad reminds me that I am like my mother sometimes and I think that is why he does me like he does because I look like her but I cannot help that and well my sister is just a b------ she treats alot of people like that she has no respect for family and they think that because I love my cat there is something wrong with my head and I am a nonconfrontational person and so they take that as being weak. Anything that is different is not right as far as they are concerned.

So no childhood diagnoses of anything that could make them think you can't take care of yourself?

Your best bet really is to just get out as soon as you can. They do not respect you and you do not deserve to be called stupid. I know how painful that is.

What are you working as? I could have sworn I read CNA in a past thread... but I could be confusing you with someone else.

Please find a way out of this house( if you do not make alot find out where the local houseing authority is and start the process)... oh and when your father passes Contest the will, any attorney can do this without you having to confornt someone...

Hi girl,well this is pretty sad to me,i don't know you but i feel for you.Perhaps rather then moving if your not paying rent or whatever,this would be an oppertunity for you,to save for your own place if this is really what you want to do.It sounds like you don't really want to tho and love the place your in,SO you do have some choices at least.
I am sorry your familytreats you this way,there is always an answer,
I guess i would ask the same thing Strangewings is asking you.Even if you have made mistakes in the past and are doing much better,you should be given a chance,I don't know hon.Hugs to you.

No childhood diagnosis although I am surprised with the way they treated me I wasn't diagnosised with depression. They are both very controlling people and me I am quiet and I am good to people and they see that as a bad thing. My sister gets mad because according to her its my responsibility to be helping her with her kids finacially even though her husband brings home 4000 a month she thinks I should be giving her my pay check and she should give me an allowance and keep the rest and dad seems to think so as well and I don't sit at home drawing a check I work as a certified nurse's aide in a hospital.

How have you talked with your father about this? Maybe he doesn't feel you're ready because he doesn't think you've approached him in an adult-like manner? Sometimes parents can be a bit odd thay way.

Maybe you can ask him (when you're both in a calm mood) if you can sit down, as adults, and discuss this. Don't accuse him of anything. Use "I" statements (e.g., "When you told me that you were leaving the house to [sister's] children, I felt that you didn't consider my feelings."). Try very hard not to get emotional, because that can close the conversation down.

The idea is to express to your father how his actions made you feel without accusing him of treating you worse than your sister.

It might help to write it out, so you're not stumbling for the right words in the moment.

I know it can be very hard to approach someone, but don't think of it as a confrontation; think of it as you, talking to your dad.

Ok, so I did remember correctly that you were a CNA. If you like working in the medical field I urge you to work up! Either train for a tech job that would pay well or go all the way to RN. You'll make good money that way and can be free from them. Your life will be so much simpler when they have absolutely nothing to hold over you. Yes, not getting the house may hurt but your having your freedom is important.

One word you really need to learn is NO. When they ask you to do something unreasonable, tell them no! When they start treating you poorly tell them no, that you won't take it.
Now I could understand if you father wants some rent money as you live at home, but not your sister.

Originally Posted by emrldsky

How have you talked with your father about this? Maybe he doesn't feel you're ready because he doesn't think you've approached him in an adult-like manner? Sometimes parents can be a bit odd thay way.

Maybe you can ask him (when you're both in a calm mood) if you can sit down, as adults, and discuss this. Don't accuse him of anything. Use "I" statements (e.g., "When you told me that you were leaving the house to [sister's] children, I felt that you didn't consider my feelings."). Try very hard not to get emotional, because that can close the conversation down.

The idea is to express to your father how his actions made you feel without accusing him of treating you worse than your sister.

It might help to write it out, so you're not stumbling for the right words in the moment.

I know it can be very hard to approach someone, but don't think of it as a confrontation; think of it as you, talking to your dad.

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The thing is when I try to approach him to talk to him even if it is something as simple as asking for the time he brushes me off or tells me to shut up and my sister and I have both been here before when I would repeatedly ask him something and he would not even respond to me and when she asked him the same question he would answer her. And when I tried to talk to dad about this he started yelling about how a lifetime diary was the same as me owning it and said how many times do I have to tell you, and called me stupid

I do pay for some of the bills and for groceries although he cusses at me if I buy dr pepper and gets mad if I ask why is his business and he tells me that I am going to have to stop drinking pop and I tell him its my buisness and he then tells me that I am going to die. But if I am not careful he will be mean to my cat or worse tell me that I can't have her. They hold that over my head too.

Ugh, terrible. I don't know if you'll be able to get a real conversation out of this person. Again, there's no respect for you there so you get treated like crap over and over again, and you let them do it. It's a nasty cycle. I couldn't talk to my father and actually get him to listen to me until I moved out (and didn't talk to him for close to a year because of his behavior). We get along better now, so maybe that can save your relationship with your father, too.

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Ugh, terrible.

I don't know if you'll be able to get a real conversation out of this person. Again, there's no respect for you there so you get treated like crap over and over again, and you let them do it. It's a nasty cycle.

I couldn't talk to my father and actually get him to listen to me until I moved out (and didn't talk to him for close to a year because of his behavior). We get along better now, so maybe that can save your relationship with your father, too.

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I have been thinking about moving since I got this job, I finally have a job that pays enough that I can move so I have to try and hold out till I get enough saved back to buy a new car and then I am going to
try and find an apartment that I can afford. Because it won't ever get any better and this was the last straw.

are there any public transport options in your town? If so you may be able to find an apartment on the public transport lines and then continue saving for the car.
This sounds like an absolutely horrible situation and you really need out of it! I wish you the best of luck!

I'm confused... if your father has a will that refers to the lifetime diary, which states that the house is to go to you when he dies, then the house must remain in your father's name. If he sells the house (can be for $1) to your sister's kids, then the deed will be in their names, and the lifetime diary would have to be included in their wills, which wouldn't work at all. It can't be both. If the house is in the kids' names, you get nothing. Doesn't even sound like he's leaving it to you and to your sister's kids. What a mess.

The only reason to set up a lifetime diary, as far as I can tell, is so it can be changed easily without changing the entire will. Also not very good for you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so awful when parents play favorites. Ask any attorney who deals with probate law and they will tell you there's almost always one sibling who sides up to mom/dad and tries to grab more than his or her share. Doesn't make dealing with it any easier.

I don't have any advice for you but am sending lots of vibes. and a hug.

There is no public transportation here or I would have already moved. I am not sure how the whole property situation will work out it just seems that he doesn't intend for it to ever be in my name. But I will not spend my life begging my sister or her kids for crumbs. My niece is 4 and already screams and hollars at me and I am not allowed to call her down for it and my nephew is 2 and already slaps at me and when I try to correct him they act like I am doing something wrong even when I tell my niece its not nice when she tells me that she is going to slap my face and so I am scared to see what she will be like when she is an adult. But if he puts the property in their name I will not stay here.

Might be time to run far, far away from this family. Also, have you looked into counseling just to help you feel more confident in yourself?

With a family that constantly brings you down, counseling can definitely help you see where they are wrong and help you find the the strength and courage you already have.

I am so sorry you are going through this horrible situation... There is no way to put it, this is plain and simple abuse. If it was me, I would not stay another day. I would pick up my things, and good bye.
If there is no public transportation, I would look for a single or a one bedroom apartment, anything I could afford at walking distance from work - but at that house, with those people, I am sorry, but no, thank you.
It sounds to me like this has been going on for a long time, and it is not going to change... And your father.... Sorry... but what kind of 38yr old man marries a 14yr CHILD? Than treats her the way he treated her? And you, his own child just because you simply look like her, treats you like a second class human being? That's nasty behavior in my book... Sorry he is your father, but...
For the way you write I can immediately say you are not stupid, and there is nothing wrong with you that indicates you are not a capable person.
Get out of this situation, and to the heck with the money, your sanity is far more important IMHO.

Ugh, sounds exactly like my girlfriend's family... She's the only one who does anything at her house and her dad and sisters still treat her as if she's lazy and incompetent on a daily basis. Her dad is refusing to replace their dead dryer because he wants her to have to watch her grandmother, who is coming home from a long nursing home stay this saturday and whose dryer we've been having to use for months now while she was gone. They do the same thing as your dad, being mean to her dog in retaliation any time she stands up for herself. There really is no way to change people like that, just do what you have to do and work as hard as you can to create a situation where you can leave them behind forever...

You may want to start applying for jobs in other cities, or even states! Some hospitals will even pay for you to finish school (while working for them) if you promise to work there for 5 years after. Just something to look into!
I dont know how interested you are but a very good friend of mine works in home health and they are looking for CNA's and PRN's. If you want send me a pm and I can get you in touch with her! The job is in East Tennessee though. But that could be a good thing for you!