DH! rant

I would just love to smack him in the head. We bought a car a while ago, and found out it needed a lot of fairly simple, but time consuming repairs to bring it up to inspection standard. He had been working on it, but then it got so hot so I did not complain about him not finishing it. He promised me that he would finish it the first cool day we have. It is a beautiful 67 degrees. In the meantime, I sold my truck and bought an suv at a steal. A coworker wants the car, but wants it on the 15th. DH has seen a Goldwing that they want just a little more for than I will be getting for the car, so I told him he could have the proceeds from the car to get it if he wants it. I have that much in my emergency fund, but do not want to borrow from it. Now he is mad because I said something about him finishing the car before he gets the bike. I did this because I know that he will never finish it, it will get sold for junk, he will still get what he wants, and I will be out my emergency fund. He always gets what he wants, and I seldom do.
Don't get me wrong, he is mostly a great guy, very sweet, loves the kitties, he just never does what I ask him to do until I just blow up and have a screaming fit, then I am a *itch. He does not call me that, but I always feel like one when I ask him to anything. He is a complete pig when it comes to the house, after he promised when we moved in this house that it would not happen again. Then I got sick and can't do as much as I used to, plus I work 12-14 hours a day. He works 8-10. I am still expected to everything around the house.He stays at the computer constantly when he is home, sometimes sitting up all night and not sleeping.
In a way, some of this is my fault, I spoiled him rotten when we first got together, but after 25 years, he should realize that it can't go on forever!

Sounds like you two need to go out to dinner at a place with curtains, carpet, and candles. Order a nice bottle of vino and share each others thoughts.

In a way, some of this is my fault, I spoiled him rotten when we first got together, but after 25 years, he should realize that it can't go on forever!

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I hate to resort to a cliche, but you can't teach an old dog......
I do understand, tho. Sounds as if you need a heart-to-heart, calmly. He needs to understand how you're feeling. I think most of us expect our male partners to be mind-readers (it's probably a really good thing that they're not!). Every so often we just have to figuratively smack them up side the head to get them to listen to us.

No real advice to give, just letting you know you're not alone.

We teach people how to treat us. You've allowed this behaviour for 25 years, so he continues to do it and keeps pushing the limits because he knows that you will always give in and he will get his way.

You need to sit down one evening, without any distractions (music, TV, computer etc) and just talk. You need to tell him that you are not happy and that you feel he has been taking you for granted and that it can't continue.

You need to spell out exactly what you expect from him and exact promises from him. You need to be clear that whatever he promises he has to stick to because there will be consequences.

And then you need to give him an ultimatum as to what those consequences will be.

Unfortunately after this long a time, it's unlikely he will change, and you may have to look at leaving the relationship if it's making you that unhappy.

But sitting down to talk is the first step.

I once met up with a couple of other cake decorators in my area for lunch, and one of the women in the group is kind of a matriarch of cakes to many across the country. I said something to her about this exact same issue (my husband is a "I'll do it" and then doesn't do it kind of guy).

When you do get a chance to talk to him about this problem, just tell him that you can only judge what he's going to do by what he's always done. His past behavior tells you that he won't do it until you harp on him so much, that it starts a fight.

Let him know that you're done fighting about these things and that if he can't change his behavior and actually keep the promises he makes, no more. Next time he wants to buy something that needs fixing up, but he needs your money to do it, flat out say no. *shrug*

I know it sounds a lot easier than it really is, but you can only get through this if you work on it.

Good luck!!!

All I can say is your not alone.Tell him how you feel and then move on,you will probably keep spoiling him At least get it out of your system.

Mine procrastinates, too. I usually have to nag a bit or literally drag him off to work on something.

If he wants something make him find the money himself. Simply do not give him what's in your savings. It only has your name on it, correct?

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

We teach people how to treat us. You've allowed this behaviour for 25 years, so he continues to do it and keeps pushing the limits because he knows that you will always give in and he will get his way.

You need to sit down one evening, without any distractions (music, TV, computer etc) and just talk. You need to tell him that you are not happy and that you feel he has been taking you for granted and that it can't continue.

You need to spell out exactly what you expect from him and exact promises from him. You need to be clear that whatever he promises he has to stick to because there will be consequences.

And then you need to give him an ultimatum as to what those consequences will be.

Unfortunately after this long a time, it's unlikely he will change, and you may have to look at leaving the relationship if it's making you that unhappy.

But sitting down to talk is the first step.

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I totally agree with this reply. You should think about getting out before you look one day and another 25 years have passed, no woman needs to take this garbage from any man.

Got no advice to add, just

Love, here's my opinion.. Stick to your guns on this one. Don't give him what he wants until he gets the car done and then just like you promised, give him the money from it. If you continue to give in, he'll just keep using you as a doormat to his every whim..
My Dh was a slob for quite awhile and well, frankly I got tired of it, and went on strike so to speak..I just didn't. Sounds easy enough right? Wrong! Having ocd it nearly killed me but I stuck it out and bit my lip day after day. Finally he started putting his clothes in the hamper, rinsing the dishes off, loading and unloading the dishwasher, doing the cat boxes and feeding our fish. I have to admit, these are big steps for him and since that time, he's still helping around the house alot..My advice? try it, it may get the point across when he has no clean clothes or dishes...

Tell him no. The money in your emergency fund is for EMERGENCIES, not motorcycles. If he wants the motorcycle, he needs to finish the car project, sell the car, and use the money to buy the bike. Period.

I have to do this with DH. He can be very compulsive with his favorite hobby. I tell him no, you are not taking money out of our savings or regular budget for this. If you feel like you HAVE to get whatever it is, YOU have to find somewhere else to cut back to find the funds. Period. So then he will go sell some old stuff on Ebay or cut out his sodas for a few weeks or whatever until he can fund whatever new thing he wants for his hobby. But that makes it HIS problem, not mind.

If your DH wants the bike bad enough, he will fix up the car, sell it to your co-worker, and buy the bike. Do not enable his undesirable behavior by paying for the bike so that he can continue to procrastinate on the car.

Originally Posted by jugen

I got tired of it, and went on strike so to speak

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Years ago I lived with a guy who was a complete slob! He would work on his car and come in and touch everything with greasy/grimy hands and wipe his hands on bath towels, his jeans or whatever. He also never took off his dirty/mucky shoes and would walk into the house spreading black foot prints on the floor and/or carpet. Add to that the fact that he literally left his clothes and stuff everywhere and anywhere. Literally he would start undressing when he walked in the door and leave a trail of clothing wherever it dropped, and there it stayed until I picked it up.

One day I stopped. I told him that I was his girl friend and not his Mother! And if he was looking for a Mother to pick up after him, then he should move back home. Then I told him that the next time he left his clothing laying around that I was going to throw it out! And the next time I did just that!

One day he was looking for his favourite suit for work. He asked me where it was. I told him that I threw it out. He didn't believe me. I reminded him that I had warned him that his clothing was going to be thrown in the garbage the next time he left it laying around. Of course by that time it was days later and the garbage had already been picked up and taken go the dump.

He got much better about picking up his clothing after that.

I have no patience for men that take advantage of me and treat me like their slave/servant, expecting me to pick up after them and wait on them. I'm an equal and a relationship is 50/50, so if I pick up my stuff, they better pick up and put their own stuff away. Now of course if I'm doing laundry, I have no problem adding some to my loads, same with if I'm making myself a snack I'll ask if he wants one.

If you don't pick up your clothes in this house Siri pees on them! I find it difficult to be annoyed with this (it's never my clothes), though I have to be careful not to show that I'm too amused.

Really, though, if you don't want to be a personal maid for everything you simply can't let it start. My father was fanatical about cleaning and it wore off on me. I worked on training DH before we were even living together. Now that his BIL stays with us he gets a bit of training, too, he picks up after himself or else. I've managed to undue several bad habits their parents taught them.

It would be harder to suddenly start so many years later. But it's worth a shot! You may first have luck just making him physically get up and help you. Oh, and if you have cable internet (I don't know about DSL) you may be able to go unhook it outside where it goes into the house. "Oops, the cable must be out for a bit"

Well most days I would love to smack my husband in the head I have no advice as he sounds very similar I just grin and bear it which is something I hate. x

Will wonders never cease! He fixed the car, passed on the bike, I sold the car, most of the money is going to the savings. He has decided that the money is better spent doing some work on the bike he already has, and will not cost nearly as much. I said something about fixing a knob on the washing machine this morning, he laughed and told me told me to make him a list of stuff that I want done and put it on the fridge. He may not get to it immediately, but at least he will not forget what it was that I wanted in the first place so I will not have to nag him about it. I HATE to nag, and he apparently has lost his memory. I think we are off to a good start.

Will wonders never cease! He fixed the car, passed on the bike, I sold the car, most of the money is going to the savings. He has decided that the money is better spent doing some work on the bike he already has, and will not cost nearly as much. I said something about fixing a knob on the washing machine this morning, he laughed and told me told me to make him a list of stuff that I want done and put it on the fridge. He may not get to it immediately, but at least he will not forget what it was that I wanted in the first place so I will not have to nag him about it. I HATE to nag, and he apparently has lost his memory. I think we are off to a good start. I hope the aliens keep the one they took and left me the old one.
Now I can get back to remembering the great, loving, catdaddy I have had for all those years.

Yay! Woohoo! Great Start!

Originally Posted by CruiserMaiden

Yay! Woohoo! Great Start!

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I agree!

Maybe he read this thread?