Can't Decide if I'm Hurt or Angry or Both

I know a lot of you read my thread in late July about the trouble DH & I were having with our daughter---how she moved out without telling us, then lied to everyone about it. We haven't heard from her since July 29 (altho' she went to DH's place of business on his day off and asked another employee to tell her Dad 'hello', and sent me a friend request on fb 3x---can you believe that?!)

Anyway, my brother & his wife are expecting their first grandchild in Dec., and the SIL is throwing a baby shower. She told me about the shower a few days ago, and I asked her if she was going to invite my daughter. She answered that she was; I said, "I just can't come if she's going to be there" to which my SIL replied, "Well, we'll miss you." I was surprised, to say the least, but managed to say, "I don't want to cause any drama at the shower, so I'll just send a gift."

This SIL & I have been friends for 35 years; I was her confidant when she & my brother almost divorced several years ago; when she was in the hospital last year and almost died when her pancreas shut down I was there on a daily basis; I'm her only daughter's Godmother. For some reason I feel as if she's slapped me in the face. I know this is how she is--she gets an idea into her head and absolutely nothing will change it. She believes that if my daughter and I both show up at the shower everyone will get along as if nothing ever happened. That's not the way it would go, believe me. I know how awful this sounds, but if I ran into my daughter on the street I think I would slap her face. I will not, and cannot, attend a baby shower with her sitting across the room from me. Now, because of my SIL's attitude, I don't want to go at all. I've never been particularly close to this nephew and I barely know his fiance anyway.

I feel as if maybe I'm making a big deal out of this, but I've been wearing my feelings on my sleeve for awhile now and this really hurt me. There's no talking to her about it because she is always right--always. I guess I'm not really asking for advice as to how to handle this, because I've already made up my mind. I think I just needed to get this out and hope someone would understand how I feel.

I would be upset too.

But think of it this way, perhaps you should rise above all of the crap with your daughter in order to be there for the new mom? I know it will be awkward, but it isn't about you and your daughter, it is about the new baby.

Originally Posted by libby74

"Well, we'll miss you."

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I think this is a some sort of standard reply - rather than her trying to get more involved. Maybe she doesn't want to get in the middle of that? And honestly, you can't blame anyone for that.

If you want to know more of what she was thinking, call her up and discuss it at length. Maybe a resolution can be found.

I'm sorry you feel like you're being pushed aside here. I'd have been mad, too, but more to the extent that I would have said something right away... or maybe it's my lack of mental filter, things pop out of my mouth that shouldn't sometimes.
Again, talk to her about and tell her you're hurt.

I also think, that eventually, you and your daughter need to settle this somehow. Maybe the relationship is ruined until she matures but at the very least you need a bit of closure on that rather raw wound. I wish you luck with that.

I also think it may be her way of not getting involved. She doesnt want to not invite anyone to hurt anyones feelings, and she doesnt want to lie to anyone, and she doesnt want it to look like she is on anyones side.
I think you may want to try to at least stop by and say hi. Maybe drop the present off in person (maybe even before the shower actually starts) but not feel obligated to stay and confront your daughter.

I understand your feelings. I have some drama going on in my family too. Perhaps you can find out if your daughter is going to be there in advance of the event. I'm not sure how you left the situation with your daughter, but I would put the responsibility squarely on her shoulders. By that I mean that you expect a behavior from her, and until you get that, the relationship is on hold. Make sure your daughter knows that she needs to make a move to improve the relationship.

My husband and I have a situation with my adult step son too. He knows that before we move ahead with a relationship with him, he needs to give us a meaningful apology. No apology = no relationship.

I don't know if this is helpful or not in your situation, but I believe the situation was serious enough that you just can't pretend all is well when it isn't.

I know you're not looking for advice, and could use some hugs, so I'm sending lots of those.

...but.... what I'd do is call and talk to her. I know she's got that "always right" thing, so I wouldn't try to change her mind - I'd just let her know how you feel about it. The call and her response caught you off guard. You've had time to think it through and digest it, and given you two were so close, I think it's only natural that you would want to let her know in a bit more detail why you feel the way you do. You're not trying to tell HER what to do or how to handle it, but because you love and care for her, and you assume she loves and cares for you, you felt you owed it to BOTH of you to let her know WHY you've made the decision you have.

I am in a similar situation, on the opposite site. Last summer, while my husband and I were planning our wedding, my parents did some pretty bad things, mainly directed at my husband, and it ended up severing mine and hubbys relationship with my parents.
I feel I cannot attend things if my parents are there, and unfortunately, they go to everything. I have missed a lot in the past year. I have gone to a few things, and it has been very uncomfortable. My parents feel as if the things they did should have been immediately forgiven, and unfortunately that +the way they acted after the issues, have made it so that I don't see a reconciling in the forseeable future.
I understand feeling hurt to the fact that they will be inviting someone that you cannot be around but unfortunately, in situations like that, everyone seems to think the answer will be getting the two people together and hoping for magic.
I was planning a wedding, and the wedding was private, with a celebration with family after. I had family members decline to come to my reception, because my parents were not invited. I was incredibly hurt/angry, and a year later am still.
If you are not very close to the people the celebration is being held for, honestly I would just send a gift and leave it at that. Maybe discuss with your SIL how you felt about her response and let her know how deep this issue runs. That you appreciate her wanting to assist with repairing the relationship, however at this point that won't happen. A lot of people think that if they just try to get into the situation a little bit, it will magically solve things. I don't think she was trying to be rude, it is a tough situation for some people to be a part of and she might not have known how to handle it?

What she said does come across as harsh, but I don't think it was meant in the manner it was taken.

She is throwing a baby shower and she is extending invitations of people she wants to be there. She extended both of you an invitation and it's up to you whether to attend or not.

I agree that it sounds like she doesn't want to get involved in the conflict, and rightly so. The situation is between you and your husband and daughter, no one else.

I fully back you in what you did with regards to your daughter. She was abusing you both and taking such advantage of you that it had to stop. And the only way it would stop is if you took a hard stand. So don't second guess whether you made the right decision, because you surely did! You took back your self respect and control of your lives and house. That's a terrific thing.

Unfortunately it's also family, and there will be invitations where you both will likely be invited. The choice is to go and be cordial or to stay away from family functions where you know she will be there.

My advice? Go! By not going you are giving your daughter control over your lives again. Basically her presence would dictate your absence. That's no way to live.

Go. Be cordial and friendly. I know it will be hard because the wounds are still raw. But the shower is for mother and baby, and I'm sure they would like you to be there also

My husband and I have a situation with my adult step son too. He knows that before we move ahead with a relationship with him, he needs to give us a meaningful apology. No apology = no relationship.

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That's how things are with our daughter, as well.

The thing is, this is just how my SIL handles things. She has never asked what happened with our daughter, which is very unlike her. To put it bluntly, she's nosy and insinuates herself into everyone's business. When her daughter got married she invited 2 family members who should never be in the same room with each other. The Mom had actually testified against her daughter in a custody dispute, yet my SIL thought it was a wonderful idea to invite both of them. The entire family was on pins and needles the whole evening, waiting to see if both of them would show up.

As I said before, I'm not especially close to this nephew and barely know his fiance. I'm just not going to make this a tense situation for the rest of the family. I talked this over with my Mom the other day and she understands completely. My Mom, an uncle and another SIL were present when I was told that I would be missed at the shower, and I thought their jaws were going to hit the floor. I keep telling myself that this is just the way my SIL is, that she often says things she shouldn't. I'm sure she has no idea how much she hurt my feelings and honestly, I'm not about to tell her because I know it wasn't intentional. This is just how she is---blunt and opinionated. I guess I should be used to her by now.

When our daughter walked out of our home, the last thing I told her was to stay away from my family until she got her head out of her rear end and stopped hanging out with a family that should be on America's Most Wanted. Since then, she hasn't had any contact with anyone. I'm fairly certain she won't attend the shower because she thinks I'll be there, but I really don't want to take the chance. I also believe my SIL would lie to me about whether or not my daughter was going to attend, because she would think she was helping the situation.

Is she still living with your neighbour across the lane?

i dont understand one thing hun, it seems like she is going against you because of your problem with your daughter and that she is choosing her over you, you that has been there for so long or could she be hoping that this could re-unite you and your daugher

Sounds like SIL likes a little drama.let it go move on and i hope one day you and your daughter can have a real relationship.Hugs to you.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

What she said does come across as harsh, but I don't think it was meant in the manner it was taken.

She is throwing a baby shower and she is extending invitations of people she wants to be there. She extended both of you an invitation and it's up to you whether to attend or not.

I agree that it sounds like she doesn't want to get involved in the conflict, and rightly so. The situation is between you and your husband and daughter, no one else.

I fully back you in what you did with regards to your daughter. She was abusing you both and taking such advantage of you that it had to stop. And the only way it would stop is if you took a hard stand. So don't second guess whether you made the right decision, because you surely did! You took back your self respect and control of your lives and house. That's a terrific thing.

Unfortunately it's also family, and there will be invitations where you both will likely be invited. The choice is to go and be cordial or to stay away from family functions where you know she will be there.

My advice? Go! By not going you are giving your daughter control over your lives again. Basically her presence would dictate your absence. That's no way to live.

Go. Be cordial and friendly. I know it will be hard because the wounds are still raw. But the shower is for mother and baby, and I'm sure they would like you to be there also

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I agree there are going to be family gatherings. you have to decide how you are going to handle them. It is never easy when there is conflict in a family.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Is she still living with your neighbour across the lane?

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She sure is---right across the alley from us.

i dont understand one thing hun, it seems like she is going against you because of your problem with your daughter and that she is choosing her over you, you that has been there for so long or could she be hoping that this could re-unite you and your daugher

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That's almost what it seems like to me, too, as if she's taking my daughter's side when she doesn't even know what happened first-hand. I love my SIL, but she is one strange individual sometimes. i do believe she thinks that forcing people to come together is a good idea; she did the same thing to my Mom and her sister (my aunt) years ago---they weren't speaking, so my SIL tells Mom she's going to take her shopping, then dropped her at her sister's house and left her there. Mom wasn't happy, nothing got resolved, yet my SIL still thinks she did a good thing.

It sounds like while she is going about everything all wrong...she might have her heart in the right place by just trying to have everyone be happy. However if I were in that situation I would also decline to go but send a gift. In my own family drama situations I choose to ignore everyone and keep myself out of situations I know will either hurt my feelings or get me to the point where Im going to knock someones teeth down their throat.

I think that if you want to keep the relationship with your SIL as amicable as possible while this is going on with your daughter than just call her up and explain why you not showing up and its not to hurt her or your nephew but because its best for you to not go.

You can try to talk to your SIL, but it may not really do much good. In that case, you have to make the choice to stay home or to go to the shower. I feel for you, I really do.....I've been in situations like that and they're not pretty.

You really did do the right thing with your daughter. And that's what's important.

You know what Ann Landers would say: It's her party and she has the right to invite anyone she wants.(Ann Landers also advises people to say "we'll miss you" when they decline to come because of another guest )

You have the right to decline the invitation. I don't blame you for not wanting to go, it's not someone you are close to anyway (I really hate parties myself) and sending a gift is a gracious gesture and sounds like what would be most comfortable for you.

I appreciate the input. I know my SIL isn't doing this too hurt me, this is just how she is. Maybe I'm wearing my feelings on my sleeve, but it did seem as if she was taking sides. Deep down I know that's not what she's doing, but a little support from her would have been great. I noticed a couple of posters used the word "raw" when mentioning the situation with my daughter; you're right, this wound is still extremely raw and probably will be until I get some kind of closure.

I'll let the party go on without me, send a nice gift, and let that be the end of it.

I just had to update this thread; maybe I'm looking for some input, as I'm (again) second-guessing myself.
There was a message on my answering machine from my daughter the other day. The time stamp was for a time when she knew exactly where I would be; I guess that way she didn't have to talk to me directly. As soon as I heard her voice and her choice of words I thought to myself, "she wants something." She'd said, "Someone told me you wanted to talk to me; call my cell."
I don't call people---not just her, I don't like talking on the phone. So, I sent a text telling her I hadn't said that to anyone. We went back and forth for almost an hour, with her telling me that she'd really love to talk to me and that I couldn't let this go on forever. I told her that I wasn't the one who had screwed up. Her response was, "How did I screw up? What did I do?" That made it fairly obvious that she wasn't taking responsibility for anything. Then she says, "p.s. Aunt ----- invited me to the baby shower. We need to talk before I attend." And I said to myself, "There it is."
I replied that I knew she'd been invited. I reminded her that as long as she was involved with a certain young man and his family that she was to stay away from my family.
If a person can go ballistic in a text, that's exactly what she did. She informed me that family doesn't treat each other that way, that she's an adult and can make her own decisions, that her Dad and I have nothing to say about her life anymore.
I ended it by telling her that as long as she was involved with the young man and his family her Dad and I wanted nothing to do with her, that she had made her adult decision and that she should go enjoy her life and leave us alone.
Didn't hear another peep out of her, and don't expect to.

When DH got home from work I relayed the entire episode to him and asked him repeatedly, "Did I handle this the right way?" He kept telling me I had, but I just kept asking anyway. He finally told me, "Of all the families in this town , she decided to get involved with the only one I won't put up with."

P.S. I'm still not going to the baby shower, but I didn't tell her that.

I can understand not wanting anything to do with the guy and his family, but to completely cut her off and never try to at least work to some resolution eventually.. .that's harsh.

I hope nothing happens in your family that someday makes you regret this.