Feeling Blue

Not sure if maybe some of you have had the same experience and can maybe offer some advice. My husband doesn't want kids. He hasn't outright told me NO.......but when people ask he gives every excuse under the sun. I truly do not know how we would afford a kid.......but it seems that most people don't and they make it work. He stresses over the money thing big time and is very meticulous.....has to have a plan for everything and see it on paper. I don't necessarily want kids right this second........but within the next few years...........at least before my mid 30s!!! (I'm 29 now). Now.....we went through a very very rough time. He almost left me. We are still sorting things out and now is definitely not the right time. But I still would like to know that there is a possibility of it in the future. It makes me so sad when people ask if I am having kids or why don't I have kids. How can I make this yearning go away??? How can I deal??? There will be short times where I am able to push it away for a bit and just be happy in the now.........but then something happens and triggers it all over again. This weekend I had been at a cookout and there were a bunch of kids there. Of course I was in my glory helping the kids get their food or playing with them. I heard someone ask my husband if we had kids or were planning on having kids. And he goes on to say there are too many kids in the world.....they are too expensive blah blah blah. It just breaks my heart....................what if we don't have kids????!!!!! I don't want to leave him ......I just want to be able to control these feelings.............make them go away. I've also thought that if I can't do this for myself maybe I can at least give someone else that wants a baby as badly as I do this gift. Give them a baby of their own by being a surrogate. But I don't qualify since I've never had kids of my own. They want someone that has given birth.

If anyone has any advice I truly would love to hear it. As I said.......I will not leave him over this......I love him....too much. But how can I get over this feeling if he doesn't want to have kids???

Ugh, I've been there hun, but it was the other way around with me. My exhusband always wanted kids and I did not. Ever. He KNEW that when we married, but continiously pushed me. It's not the reason we seperated, but it was always a stressor.

When Dana and I got together it was one of the first things we talked about and luckily we are both completely on the same page. Neither one of us want children. Some call it selfish, be we enjoy our own lives and our freedom far too much.

I recently found out my ex's girlfriend is expecting, and truthfully I'm HAPPY for them. He always wanted that. I did not. I have NEVER had the desire. I'm happy sticking to kitties.

That being said hun, does he understand how strongly you feel on the subject? Is it something you had talked about before marriage? Do you think that with time, he may change his mind? If he does not, is motherhood something you are willing to give up? I may not be something you can ever get past and will continue to cause problems in your relationship, so you both need to be able to sit, talk, and come to some kind of common ground or you will BOTH be unhappy. Whatever you decide hun, remember that life is short, and if you are not feeling happy or fullfilled, only you can change that. I wish you nothing but the best.

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you're going thru this. As you stated, now is not the time to be having a baby; I'm glad you realize that. IMO, you need to make sure you and your DH are going to be able to work thru your recent problems before you even think about a baby. When you're sure of your relationship, sit down with your hubby and have an honest heart to heart talk with him.
I do understand the feeling of longing for children; it took us 9 years to adopt (from start to finish) and I absolutely ached when I was around my nieces and nephews. If having a family is something you feel you were meant to do, you need to somehow get your DH to realize how important this is to you. Maybe your husband isn't against the idea of kids--maybe the financial responsibility scares him.
I truly wish you all the best.

Thanks for the reply. Yes he does know how strongly I feel about this. And when we got married we had both wanted kids though not right away. By the way we've been married 5 years now but together for much longer (over 11).

I made a HUGe mistake years ago before we were married that I finally came clean about and that is why we went through some trouble and I think what also leads to him not wanting kids with me.....though I'm not positive on that. Regardless we are working through it and he wants to stay with me. I truly do love him and am willing to give up kids for him.............but I don't know how to squash this yearning that is constantly in my heart.

I should learn to be happy with what I have and stop obsessing over what I don't have. I recently got a motorcycle........and obviously if I have kids I won't be able to enjoy that. Same with Jeep Wranlger and other toys we have. And also not having to worry about money and daycare and healthcare. So much stress comes with having kids yet I still yearn to be a mother.

I wish there was a simple answer to just squash this feeling for good.

I have asked my husband if he was definitely saying NO but he never gave me a straight answer. So that gives me hope that maybe he will change his mind. But then I hear him telling people that No he doesn't want kids when he is asked. So I dunno.......I do hold on to that little bit of hope like it is my last breath.

That's a tough spot to be in and I'm sorry you're going through this. However, deciding to have children or not is such a HUGE deal, that I feel strongly that if both partners are not eager to have children, then it is not to be. Since you say you are a few years from making the final decision, why not just drop the issue for now and if and when it becomes time to consider it again, bring it up then? However, if your husband is still not on board about it, you will have 2 choices in the matter.

I wish you luck and peace with your ultimate decision, whenever it may come.

Cally

Which do you want more, a baby or your husband? Will you be resentful forever if you do not have a child? These are questions only you can answer. I think that you should go into counseling now, because the time to come to terms with things is when you are still young and not when you are 45 and your body and mind are screaming for a baby and time is running out.

I never wanted children. My family still talks about me announcing that when I was in elementary school. As fate would have it, my DS was meant to be and I love him dearly. Still, because I never had that motherhood urge I think I would have been fine remaining childless. I know a lot of women who always wanted children and would have felt unfulfilled without them. We are all different.

I tend to be a no nonsense advice giver, so please know that no offense is intended. Based on your post, I think you will be unhappy if you don't become a mother and the time to work through those feelings with a professional is now.

I appreciate your honesty. Of course it is hard to hear.......and maybe you are right. But I do love my husband very much. I don't want to leave him. So ultimately I would choose my husband over a baby as I know I cannot force it upon him and that would not be right to bring a child into this family when one partner is not completely on board. But I need to know how to deal with these feelings???? How do I make them go away??? I still hold onto the small hope for now............in a few years I guess time will tell if he's changed his mind..........but it is torture waiting.

Originally Posted by cmedeiros17

I would choose my husband over a baby as I know I cannot force it upon him and that would not be right to bring a child into this family when one partner is not completely on board. But I need to know how to deal with these feelings???? How do I make them go away??? I still hold onto the small hope for now............in a few years I guess time will tell if he's changed his mind..........but it is torture waiting.

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Honey, you can't MAKE these feelings go away. Talk to him.

You said when you got married he wanted kids, but not right away, so if he's changed his mind shouldn't he be talking to you? I'd try to find out why he's had a change of heart before giving up something so huge; it has to lead to resentment in the future; after all, it's not something that you can compromise on. If he doesn't want a child now, he still needs to think about what you want, too. I don't know how you can get rid of your feelings... certainly you both need to talk about what changed his. If he can't get past a mistake you made before you were married to him, he's got some other issues going on, hopefully he's not holding that against you! I hope you work it out.

I have a friend who married a guy who was pretty ambivalent about having kids. NEVER would commit to the idea. They must've "talked" because their daughter is now eight, and the apple of her dad's eye. He's never looked back.

Some guys are just scared of the whole thing. I'm not a guy, but I was scared of the whole thing, too.

And you are right. There is NEVER the perfect time when you can afford to have them. (We still can't afford our three, and the oldest is 18. God provides.)

Talk to him. Explain to him how huge this is. And it is.

I wish you the best of luck whatever happens.

Thanks everyone. I feel a bit better today. Its hard........I try so hard to keep my feelings in check but the littlest things set it off again. (especially when there are kids all around me.....or pregnancies) I can't talk to him because he'll just get angry with me. Mainly because I keep bringing it up or get upset. He says he doesn't want to be pressured into having a kid and I certainly don't want to do that. But somehow I need to find a way to quell my feelings for a few years before I can technically bring it up again. And then I have to find a way to deal if its not going to happen.

Here is my situation. It might or might not help you.

When I was younger, I was open to wanting kids. As I grew older, I really didn't want kids. I love being around them and love mt nephews to death! BUT, I like my freedom and not being tied down to the responsibility.

I see my friends and other people with kids and they are ALWAYS complaining about money! I complain about money myself...can you imagine if I had kids?

What it comes down to is that some people just do not want kids. They like the freedom to go and do what they want.

I wonder - have you considered professional counseling, both individually and as a couple? Sometimes having a pro help you work through motivations and feelings can really help a relationship and deciding what you, and your husband, want to do with your lives. Good luck - this is such a tough situation. Also, I'd suggest talk with your doctor - sometimes hormonal swings can really play havoc with how you're feeling and thinking.

Originally Posted by darlili

I wonder - have you considered professional counseling, both individually and as a couple? Sometimes having a pro help you work through motivations and feelings can really help a relationship and deciding what you, and your husband, want to do with your lives. Good luck - this is such a tough situation. Also, I'd suggest talk with your doctor - sometimes hormonal swings can really play havoc with how you're feeling and thinking.

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Yes.....at one point we were in counselling together though it didn't last long.(thought he now goes on his own) This was for that other thing I had mentioned. I had continued counselling on my own for about 2 years after that for my own issues and I had brought the baby thing up but nothing really was solved. Ultimately it seems I either have to shut up and deal or leave. I know I don't want to leave. And what aggravates me is that he can't at least tell me a definite NO HE DOES NOT WANT KIDS. So it leaves that little space of hope. But then next thing I know he's telling someone thats asks NO. So I don't get it. I have point blank asked and he always pussyfoots around the answer. **SIGH**

And Whiskeys Dad thank you for your tidbit of information. Many of our friends around us have kids and a few of them are in trouble financially (because they bought a house they techinically couldn't afford) and struggling and I'm sure that makes my husband leery. He doesn't want us to ever be in that position. Thankfully we were smart when we bought our house and bought what we could afford comfortably. BUT yes money is a huge factor with him. He needs to see in writing that we can afford a kid and that just will never happen.....for anyone really. And he has said he enjoys his freedom....and all the toys that we have.

Originally Posted by cmedeiros17

And then I have to find a way to deal if its not going to happen.

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I admit I don't understand what it is like to want children because my BF and I are not 'kid people.'

But I think trying desperately not to think about anything is only going to make it come up even more....You need to constantly check to see if you're thinking about children or not, how to avoid them, etc....making you even more desperate not to obsess even more and very quickly the whole thing spirals horribly out of control. ....Become more uncomfortable and stressed, worrying even more and getting stressed because you are stressed!


And I wonder too...if I DID want children but couldn't have them, would it stop me from spoiling everyone elses kids ?? If you thoroughly enjoy interacting with kids, seeing them learn and develop, maybe it would be easier to live with just to find those opportunities to have them around as much, not as little, as possible ?

I'm sure there is NOTHING like having your own children and you can’t properly explain this experience/emotion to others, but choosing to mentor or come into contact with kids in a positive environment sounds like it could be the least agonizing of two bad choices...

Ultimately it seems I either have to shut up and deal or leave. I know I don't want to leave. And what aggravates me is that he can't at least tell me a definite NO HE DOES NOT WANT KIDS. So it leaves that little space of hope. But then next thing I know he's telling someone thats asks NO. So I don't get it. I have point blank asked and he always pussyfoots around the answer. **SIGH**

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Sweetie, that sounds like emotional blackmail. You're married, you love each other, one of you is hurting, and the other one "pussyfoots around the answer." IMO, either 1)you are not being treated as an equal partner or 2) he doesn't forgive you for whatever it is you did ages ago.

I still say--talk to him, make sure he's really listening to you, and get him to talk openly to you. That may take a while (I speak from experience) but it seems as if having kids is very important to you. Don't give up so easily.

That is really tough. A (female) cousin of mine left her husband over the issue, or so she said. They'd agreed that when they hit a certain age they would start a family. When the time came, SHE was the one who didn't want kids anymore. In fact she had what she was calling her "quarter life crisis." So she made her choices. Amazingly; by the time the divorce was settled; she wanted kids!! And has yet to find a man who will have them with her. Her ex now has a beautiful family all his own from what I hear.

My husband and I waited quite a while and most of that time I spent not wanting a kid. But then I guess instinct kicked in and I would tear up when babies were dedicated at church. And I am so not emotional in front of people. I agree that you cannot just make the feeling go away. Not everyone is made to have children; but for those of us who are, it's an indescribable urge. I've been there. Now that I have a child; I can say it's the hardest most wonderful thing ever. But deffinitely not something I'd want to do on my own!! (I know you are not saying your considering this or anything; but just saying for sayings sake.) Having a kid IS scary! I remember coming home that first week thinking "Oh my! I have to keep this thing ALIVE!!!"

You need to have a good honest, heart to heart with him. Let him know how you are feeling. That you know not right now, but in the future. And how it hurts you that he spouts off to every questioning soul that you are NOT having kids. I used to tell people who asked; we'll let ya know when the time comes. It's NOT their business and as innocent of a question it is; your not required to give an answer. Is it a possibility he answers like that because he thinks people will drop the subject and not keep asking in the future? I read a book about personality types a few years ago and it might be a good way for you to get some insight into him and how to talk with him. It was called Personality Plus by a Florence Littauer (sp?). It's an easy read and gave me a better understanding of my husband than all our years together ever did. Good luck!!

(Oh and yeah; there is never a perfect time financially, emotionally, etc. You just make it work!)

Originally Posted by jenwales

Which do you want more, a baby or your husband? Will you be resentful forever if you do not have a child? These are questions only you can answer. I think that you should go into counseling now, because the time to come to terms with things is when you are still young and not when you are 45 and your body and mind are screaming for a baby and time is running out.

I never wanted children. My family still talks about me announcing that when I was in elementary school. As fate would have it, my DS was meant to be and I love him dearly. Still, because I never had that motherhood urge I think I would have been fine remaining childless. I know a lot of women who always wanted children and would have felt unfulfilled without them. We are all different.

I tend to be a no nonsense advice giver, so please know that no offense is intended. Based on your post, I think you will be unhappy if you don't become a mother and the time to work through those feelings with a professional is now.

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I agree. Sounds like you could use marriage counseling. Discussing whether or not to have children should have been a topic discussed at length before marriage. Not only to reach an agreement on whether or not to have children, but what defines the timing of them, and also coming to agreement on your discipline approach.

Originally Posted by cmedeiros17

I appreciate your honesty. Of course it is hard to hear.......and maybe you are right. But I do love my husband very much. I don't want to leave him. So ultimately I would choose my husband over a baby as I know I cannot force it upon him and that would not be right to bring a child into this family when one partner is not completely on board. But I need to know how to deal with these feelings???? How do I make them go away??? I still hold onto the small hope for now............in a few years I guess time will tell if he's changed his mind..........but it is torture waiting.

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How about other issues? Do you agree on how you manage money? Spend vacations? Enjoy your leisure time? Like the same music and TV programs? Do you feel that you are always compromising to please him? Is your relationship a bit one-sided?

You don't have to answer these questions, but you should ponder them, and if you are in an 80/20 marriage, you seriously need counseling. It is possible that he is just not the right match for you, and if so, it is better knowing it sooner than later while you still have time on your side to find your ideal mate! It takes much more than great sex and good looks to make a great marriage. Good luck

I don't know what it's like to be in your position, but I think the two of you need to sit down and discuss it straight out, no more tip toeing around for him.

My husband and I don't want kids, and we actually talked about that before we even started dating (were playing 20 questions one night). Neither of us can really stand being around kids long because we have no desire for it. It gets hard as our friends start having families though. We enjoy our freedom and just having kitties in the house. We would not have been able to take the 2 week cross country vacation we're currently on if we were tied down with kids, and I've been saying I don't want them since I was a kid. I used to sometimes wonder about my hubby though - because he gives people excuses when they ask when are we / why dont we have kids yet like oh maybe later, etc. I'd worry that he'd changed his mind and it may be a deal breaker. Its gotten easier to believe him though when he tells me he just says those things to other people so they'll get off our backs. I have noticed if I straight tell someone "NO, we do not want them", it turns into a huge "well why not? You're selfish! You're missing out!" etc etc. We may be selfish but also have the right to decide if we want any. There are plenty enough in the world as it is, and people who shouldn't be having them are having them left and right


Sit down with your hubby and tell him you need to know. If its going to be a dealbreaker in your marriage, you will have to decide what to do then.