I was "assaulted." (Use caution while reading if you're in a vulnerable place.)

I'm really so sorry to hear this, you are a very strong woman. If this happened to me I would've run screaming to the front of the store telling the first employee I saw what had happened. I would have wanted these guys picked up on the spot before they left the store.

I know you were shaken up, I would be too but I still would've been screaming like a banshee. I'm glad to hear that you did finally tell the authorities and they find the scum who did this to you. It will take you a while to get over this, in the meantime I'm sending healing vibes to you

I didn't want to come back to this thread today. I didn't want to see my posts. I didn't want to know that others had seen them. Then, perhaps, I could pretend as though this never happened. I thought that maybe I could somehow or someway forget what happened. I wanted to believe that I wore no target on my head, no scarlet letter on my chest. But, the truth is that what happened did happen. I can't make it go away. And, while I know that the physical and emotional scars will, in time, fade, I also know that they are real. And, right now, they hurt...

I went to the doctor today. I broke down. I cried. I went to the police station today. I broke down. I cried. I cried when I went to bed last night. And, I cried this morning when I woke up. The tears are coming easily even now and I wonder if they'll ever slow or stop. I feel ridiculous for crying. What happened could have been so much worse. I should feel lucky. But, I don't. I've experienced the much worse. You'd think that this would feel less bad, less frightening. You'd think I'd feel less violated. But, I don't. It's not true what they say about having a thickened skin once you've been hurt once. I hurt just as much now, and maybe more, as I did back when. It gets easier, but it never completely goes away.

My doctor looked at the slight bruising I have. I have some bruises in a couple of different places (there was some force in what was happening, I think he was trying to move me to an enclosed space in the store (or, I shudder to think that he was going to take me outside the store) where something more could have taken place -- hopefully you see where I'm coming from, I am being purposely vague for a number of reasons). I bruise easily, I told her. She said that I was lucky my injuries were superficial. She was trying to be kind. I guess it's hard to know what to say to someone who has been "assaulted." Her words stung, but they came from her heart. I certainly don't fault her -- while her words may have been poorly chosen, the look on her face expressed all that she didn't say.

After my appointment, I had to go to the police station. I still have to use caution when sharing information, but suffice it to say that there was no available camera footage of what happened. I'm still not clear if there was any video footage, but I know there was nothing of the "assault." The store isn't a major chain. It's a local buy-everything-you-need-in-one-place kind of store, but it's not a popular name. And, so I've been asked (I knew about this before, but edited it out of my post last night) to work with an artist. The appointment is not scheduled yet, but should be in the next couple of days. I can't share anything more than that, I'm sorry.

I'm scared of the past and I'm scared of what is coming ahead. It's all so overwhelming. I feel like everything is out of my control. I'm not a person who does well when not in control. I just want to forget, but I can't. I just want to disappear, but I can't. I'm embarrassed and full of shame. I feel like I'm to blame. I know I shouldn't feel guilty, but I do. I do feel like it was my fault even though I know I didn't do anything to cause this.I should've done something more. I should've fought back. I should've, could've, would've...I don't even know. I know that makes no sense. I know that it's irrational, but, the truth is, I feel irrational. None of this makes any sense. It just is. And, that's not fair.

It's so hard, but it's already getting better. It doesn't feel like it right now, but I know it's true. When it's all said and done, I know I'll be okay. And, if I'm not, well, I'll know that it's not all said and done yet. I appreciate all of your support. It helps to know that I'm not alone. Your kindness means so much to me. It's helping me so much -- even though I'm emotional and fearful and so full of feelings that I can't even name. But, even though I was afraid to come back to this thread, I'm grateful and thankful that I did. I feel empowered by sharing my story. It's difficult, of course, and there are some things I can't say or haven't been able to share. But, I know that it's going to get better. It's only been a couple of days. The wounds are fresh. My emotions are raw. But, talking is helping. And, maybe the tears are too. Thank you for allowing me the space to heal. Thank you for witnessing my emotions and supporting me as I move through them. Just thank you...

Alison,
Please, please do not give this power to him. As others said, you did nothing wrong... nothing... but here is what I am going to say to you, and I am sorry if I am going to sound blunt, but I have to:
You are giving too much power to this guy. I know it hurts, I know it happened, but it did happen, and you can not change that... What you CAN change, is what is whitin your control - how you feel, and how much power you give to this looser. You are sooooo much better than this. Do not let him take all of you. You must fight back. You must pick up the pieces. For you, for yourself... Only you can do this...
You DO have a choice....
I know it hurts... I have been there... many many of us have... I have been there by a person who I never thought would do that to me - an uncle, and I was only 15. Only when he got me he was already naked. Like you, I froze. I was confused and still to this day I need to deal with him, as he is my mom's brother... But I have come to terms with it, forgave him, and one thing that he did not steal from me was MYSELF. That, I HAD - he could NOT TAKE MYSELF AWAY FROM ME. Not then, not ever.
Alison, do not let this man take this wonderful woman away from you - he does not deserve this power! Be strong my friend! Fight! We will all be here for you, to pick you up along the way.... but you need to make this choice... Wipe up the tears, and take a deep breath - you deserve your love - you are a wonderful, wonderful girl, and this b*astard does not deserve your suffering.
We will be right there fighting with you.
Come on...
Do not feel ashamed, do not feel guilty, or sad... Gather your strenght, your self love, and let's fight - you deserve that. When you need help, you know where to find... Help and love... Right here babe

Originally Posted by LaRussa

If this happened to me I would've run screaming to the front of the store telling the first employee I saw what had happened. I would have wanted these guys picked up on the spot before they left the store.

I know you were shaken up, I would be too but I still would've been screaming like a banshee. I'm glad to hear that you did finally tell the authorities and they find the scum who did this to you. It will take you a while to get over this, in the meantime I'm sending healing vibes to you

Click to expand...

You don't react how you think you would. You do freeze up and can't do anything. I got my customer off the line as fast as I could and went outside and had a cigarette. Coulda, woulda, shoulda it's a shock and you don't know how you would react. 99 times out of 100 the person freezes up and can't react. My friend's dad's sister's friend was almost abducted. Everyone froze(there were 20+ kids playing outside who saw this happening) but then his sister started screaming and the dudes fled. One person, she was the only one who didn't freeze. It also isn't easy to talk about it. You are having to talk to someone you don't know or barely know about it. I have never said the word of where he touched me when discussing it, but he touched me where my son exited my body. I hope you never have to find out how you react in this situation by experiencing it.

You also never truly 'get over it.' You come to terms with it and you go on with life. I think that I had talked to others that night(other co-workers) and over the weekend, my future MIL(mother-in-law) now my ex-MIL and ex himself it helped me to get it out to others before going to an authority figure.

My ex wasn't supportive, he said it was 'my fault.' I knew it wasn't, but he said by flirting with him I was leading him on and 'asking for it.' Gee, wonder why I ended up divorcing him.

I was also told(by the cop who took the report on the death threat, I lived in a different city from where I worked) what happened to me was assault, it wasn't sexual assault because there wasn't any penetration.

It's just messed up, it's almost like they want to blame the woman for it. Until the 80's(or 90's) in NY it was legal for a person accused of rape to bring the how the victim was dressed into it for his defense(and it often was and men actually got acquitted because of how the woman was dressed when she was raped.)

It is never your fault, it's the person who did it, it is their fault.

I don't trust the cops, I never have. It's almost like they want to find fault in your actions instead of the perpetrators. I think that is another reason why I never bothered to go to the cops about it, I already had Patrick(ex) blaming me, I didn't need the cops doing the same. That said if it ever happened again I would go to the cops. I may not trust them but it might just save someone else from being victimized. By going to the cops you did that.

Taryn

I don't know what to say, I'm not great with words, just wanted to offer my support and say that I am so, so sorry that this has happened to you, I just can't believe it.xxx

Alison, Carolina's post if fabulous and I couldn't agree more. This is all so new and raw, of course your emotions are on the surface. I'm sure you're jumping at every little sound and wondering if the person in the car next to you is looking at you funny because they know what happened to you. This is going to take time, but talking about it will help you tremendously. Working with a sketch artist is a great idea; give the creep a face, then spit in his eye.
You know that NONE of this is your fault in any way. The guy is a pervert, plain and simple, and gets off on terrorizing women. The fact that you've been able to share so much here shows just how much strength you posess. Don't let this guy usurp your power, fight back in every way you can.
There are obviously quite a few of us here who know what you're feeling. Let us help you get thru this. Cry as much as you need to, punch a hole in the wall if it makes you feel better, scream at the top of your lungs--whatever it takes to get rid of the fear and anger and shame you're feeling.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
Sending you a (((BIG HUG)))

Honey---You DID fight back! He was trying to move you to a more secluded spot but you weren't budging! You have the bruises to prove it!

Good girl! Keep fighting!!!

Cally

What an awful thing to happen! The creep who did this to you will get his in the end (literally, I hope). Please believe what everyone on here has been saying because it is true:

This was not your fault! You didn't do anything wrong!

That sadistic criminal caught you completely off guard. That's why you froze. You were having a good time with a friend. You went to a store that was supposed to be a safe place. You were caught off guard by a *#@%^$#@. You weren't expecting to be sexually assaulted. Anyone would have frozen up because it takes time to figure out what to do when you are completely taken by surprise.

Please know that you have a lot of friends here on TCS that fully support you and understand what you are going through. There are mega calming vibes streaming your way You are in my thoughts and prayers!

My two cents...
I agree with all the others. NOT YOUR FAULT!
You cannot change the past I know its hard not to dwell on what happened. If you do the jerks win.
They are not worth your time and emotional well being by dwelling on what happened.
Looking for happy good days ahead.

Us midwest gals are tough don't you forget that.

I'll admit I haven't read all the way through the thread, but I have to say a couple of things.

1. Of course it wasn't your fault. Blaming the crime on the victim is a common ploy (lawyers do it all the time). You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

2. You should file a report with the police and contact the store. The odds are good that the assault is on tape. They keep them for a while, maybe 30 days, maybe more.

You should NOT let this creep and his friends get away with it. Every time they do it, it will probably go farther, and you have the opportunity to put a stop to it now.

There's no reason for you to feel guilt, either over the assault or over your reaction to it. This type of offender depends on your natural reaction to protect him. Don't let him do it. Had he pulled out a gun and robbed you, would you have just let him go? I doubt it. This is no different. This is not a sex crime. This is a crime of power, of dominance, over you.

Edit: I see you HAVE been taking steps. I'm surprised there is no video. Have you talked to a lawyer? Quite often when HE calls the store, video "magically" appears.

That's horrible! I know how you feel, it has happened to me too, few times. And nowadays it is much more likely to happen than 'back in the good old days' because.. well, I'm not going to say more than 'immigration', I don't want to be misunderstood. Situation has gotten very bad in our capital city very fast and after one of my friends' was actually raped, I started to carry a taser with me (but don't tell the cops.....).
Don't feel ashamed, it isn't your fault. I do feel quilt even though I know I shouldn't and it sure ain't helping.
Lots of for you!

I don't know what I'm going to write. I don't know what to think, say, or do. I don't know much of anything. What I do know is that I'm exhausted -- physically and emotionally. But, nonetheless, I wanted to come back to this thread and check in.

One of my friends pressed me to go out to dinner with her this evening. I knew it was not a good decision. I knew I was too emotional, too uncomfortable, too overwhelmed. But, she pushed me until I relented. Actually, she came to my house and picked me up despite my repeatedly telling her that I thought it best for me to stay home. She told me it was time to "get over it." When I explained why that didn't feel like a viable option, she just insisted I could "decide to forget." Her intentions were good. I know staying at home and hiding myself away is not the answer, but it's only been a couple of days and I'm still struggling so much. And, truth be told, my discussion with her only served to help me continue to feel powerless and taken advantage of. Again, I know that she cares about me and was doing what she felt was in my best interest. I'm frustrated, but not angry with her. However, it wasn't a good decision then and became even more terrible a decision as the night wore on.

And, so, I went out to dinner. I preemptively took a Valium (at the advice of my physician), but I remained extremely anxious and uncomfortable. I shook and trembled the entire time and had difficulty being in the crowded restaurant. I was constantly looking about the room and I never fully settled down. And, there were a couple of times where I almost jumped out of my skin. Eating was also difficult, but that's another issue and another story altogether. I found myself in tears mid-meal and had to excuse myself to go to the restroom. I called my counselor and we talked for a few minutes, but it was difficult and she agreed that I allowed myself to go into such a situation too soon after the "assault." I cried again as we left and was a wreck by the time I returned home. I talked with my roommate, though, and I'm doing better now. But, I should have listened to my gut instinct tonight instead of trying to please my friend.

It wasn't all bad, though. I did get through the night despite feeling uncomfortable, frightened, and shamed. And, I am planning on a short outing tomorrow to the pet store with my roommate. I'm certainly not comfortable doing more than that, but it's a start. I may be struggling right now, but I am not going to allow myself to live in fear. I'm still scared and I know that I might be for a while, but I do know that I need to take action so that I don't remain a victim. I was victimized, but I'm not going to allow them the power over me to force me to remain a victim. It's not easy and I know it's going to be hard for some time, but I am willing to work toward the end goal -- and that goal is to move past (not forget, but move past) what happened to me. This situation has triggered in me the memories of past situations and abuses and so I'm really in emotional pain and turmoil. But, it has to get better. And, in time, it will.

I still feel shame and guilt. I know I didn't do anything wrong. I know it was them and not me. I know I'm carrying around their guilt and shame as my own. But, I can't help it right now. Intellectually, I understand all that, but, emotionally, that's a different story. I wish I could tell you all that I'm better and that I'm no longer having a hard time. But, the truth is that I don't think this will go away overnight. I am really sad, I am really scared, I am really ashamed, and I am really overwhelmed. I wish I wasn't and that I could just "decide to forget" or "get over it," but it's too soon. The wounds are too fresh. The hurt is too much. I hope you're not disappointed in me...

I am planning on talking with my counselor again tomorrow morning. I'm going to be checking in with her every day by phone until I see her next week. And, hopefully, by then, I will have a better handle on everything and we'll be able to go from there. And, as I said earlier, I am planning on a short outing with support from my roommate. We'll see how that goes as well. I'm trying, I really am. But, the memory of Saturday night is so vivid and I can remember him touching me in all the places one should never be touched withour explicit permission. I felt so violated. I still do. As for a lawyer, I'm not doing anything until I talk to the police next. It's all so much to process -- I don't know if I could go there just yet. What's important is that I'm trying my best. I really am. Please know that I am. I just feel like I've let everyone down.

I am okay. I am okay as I can be. But, regardless of that, I do have hope and I do have faith. And, that's probably the most important thing of all. Thank you all for your continued support, kindness, and care. It breaks my heart that so many of us have gone through such terrible experiences. But, the strength and kindness you are offering me is heartwarming. I promise I will pay it forward when I can.

I just wanted to offer my support. I've been through similar different times. Have reported and haven't. If you ever want to talk, I'm out here. Hugs.

DOM actually fondled me when he reached up my pants and into my boxers. I did and still feel violated and that is natural, it was around 10 years ago and even talking about it now has reopened the wound and made me think about it a lot more than I have in a long time. I feel anger, but it is mostly towards Patrick for not being supportive and telling me I was 'asking for it.' He did this on other occasions, one room mate fondling me, can't remember if he got me under my boxers or over my clothes. Another room mate pining me down and wanting to have sex with me(essentially rape.) I got away from him. He immediately realized he f-ed up big time and he did apologize and I accepted it. He knew he had done wrong and got caught up in a bad situation and so did I.

Honestly if I hadn't of had been with/married to Patrick I would have just made sure he used a condom. The only reason I stopped him was because I didn't want to cheat on Patrick, stupid me, I honestly should have just done it, I was traded in for a newer model who moved in before Bobby and I moved out and I won't even go into the fact that she hates kids and Patrick actually agrees with her and doesn't stand up for his son who should be #1 in his life. I have had an IUD in place almost since Bobby(and he was under 1 when this happened) was born, so it was in place I had it removed when I got divorced and had it replaced when Paul and I got together, so the condom I would have made him use wasn't for birth control(how do you think Bobby got here, we never had one break but something slipped out) it was for safe sex. I'm honestly not sure of the pinning was part of him getting turned on or he was trying to restrain me. Patrick never stood up for me on any of this, it was always my fault. I still was not asking for it, we got into a situation that got way too heated with substances in us that didn't help the situation.

Except for Gene pinning me down I froze. I don't even know why I told Patrick about these occurrences, maybe I wanted to see if he would stand up for me, but no, it was my fault. Luckily I knew better, it was no my fault than my ex-boyfriend before him beating me. Ironically abusive guy would have stood up for me in these situations, even though he himself raped me more than once. He also never blamed me when he hit me. He was a great guy, he was just mentally ill and wouldn't take his medication. We also brought out the absolute worse in each other(doesn't excuse it, but it's true, not to mention we were young.) He's married with at least one kid and has never raised a finger to his wife.

If you want to talk to me privately you are more than welcome to PM me. Like I said I've been there, done that and didn't even get a lousy T-shirt.

Stay strong and deal with it on your own time table. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to deal with it and there is no right time to get over it. Some it takes days some months and others years. I mostly buried mine since there was really no one I could talk to about it. This has drug it up and made me deal with it.

I am still angry and still feel violated but I know karma's a b*tch and what goes around comes around he got or is going to get his.

Taryn

Alison, sweetie, of course we're not disappointed in you! You're dealing with a lot and you will not get past it overnight. And you're right--trust your gut. If you don't want to go out don't let anyone pressure you into it. You have to heal in your own time, in your own way. Of course you still feel overwhelmed and afraid, the assault was only a few days ago, after all. It's great that you have a counselor you can take with, and it sounds as if your room-mate is helping you, too.
Don't give in to the fear. When you do go out, I can pretty much assure you that you're going to be hyper-vigilant for awhile. And that's normal; your survival instincts have kicked in. I understand the shame and the guilt, I really do. Just keep telling yourself "I'm the good guy, I didn't do anything wrong." Little by little, day by day this will get better. You are obviously a strong woman---don't forget that.
Sending you a big cyber-hug and loads of healing vibes.

Alison.
You're a strong lady, and you prove it with every step you take in reporting those creeps and moving forward with your life.
Sending you loads of healing and support.

Alison, you were in my prayers for health. I'm now sending vibes for this issue too

Alison, I'm sorry I haven't written before now. I'm not good with words, especially when it's such an awful situation. All I keep thinking is those guys are absolutely disgusting. They are. You are not, and I wish you were able to make your mind know that you're not at fault. I understand what you're saying- you know in your rational mind that it wasn't your fault, but your emotional mind just won't listen. It is tough. I have a huge problem with that sort of thing too, but in other situations.

I hope the guys get caught and punished, but even more so I hope that you are able to recover in good time, with the help of counseling and venting and anything you need to do. It sounds like you know you can't lock yourself in your room for the rest of eternity, that you do need to work on getting past this, so that is a good start. You know it will take time, so just take your time, but keep working at it and talking it though.

You've got my get well vibes coming for as long as you need them.

Again, I am coming back to this thread to update despite feeling like I want to run as far away from it as possible. It's hard to face everything that is going on and it is difficult to remember everything that has already happened. Reading my own words makes me shudder. And, the knowledge that so many others have experienced similar situations is heartbreaking at best. But, I owe a debt of gratitude to everyone here and so I will continue to come back to this thread and I will continue to post. Hopefully, my story will benefit others and, for me, I hope that it will help me heal.

I wish I could say that I was doing better today. And, perhaps, in some ways, I am. But, I'm still feeling anxious and overwhelmed. I'm still feeling guilt, shame, and even disgust. I am still hypervigilant and I'm still a bundle of raw, exposed nerves. I jump at the slightest sounds. I try to see people before they see me. My heart even races when one of the kitties rub up against my leg. Well, until I realize it is them and not him or one of his friends. But, today, I also feel anger. And, not anger directed at myself. I'm angry at the situation. I'm angry that I was violated. I'm angry that they're still out there. I'm just plain angry. And, that's an improvement. That's growth. That's recovery.

I went out today. My roommate and I went to the pet store. I panicked all day until it was time to leave. And, I cried on the way there and on the way home. But, I went. I brought my dog with me as I felt as though I'd feel safer with her there (keep in mind she's a toy fox terrier -- but, I do not doubt that she'd do anything in her power to protect me). Having my dog and my roommate close by helped me get through the shopping trip. And, while I wouldn't say that I'm ready to begin going out on my own or even for longer trips, I made it through. And, I'm no worse for wear. Maybe I'm even a little stronger for it. I think it's too early to tell. I'm still so fragile.

My roommate and I talked today. I spoke with a close friend. I talked with my counselor. And, I was given a very brief (and rather uninformative) update by the police. I am still depressed and still overwhelmed with what I imagine to be grief and shame. But, I'm able to talk about it with slightly more ease now. And, I am able to be hopeful that things can and will get better in the future. I know it's going to take a lot of time and patience, but I have no doubt that I'll get there. With all I've experienced in my life, I know I am strong. And, with my friends and supportive people around me, I can get through anything. Well, with God's help, of course. That's another conversation I had today. I forgave God for what happened to me. It may seem cruel that I blamed God, but I did -- just as I continue to blame myself. But, some forgiveness has taken place. And, that gives me hope that I will be able to forgive myself as well.

I have an appointment tomorrow morning with a sketch artist. And, to be honest, I almost wish I could cancel it. I often wish I could just pretend what happened never happened. I think that, if I were to try to forget, it would cease being real. But, logically, I know that's not possible. Try as I might, I have no choice but to face what happened to me. And, for me, part of doing that means working with the authorities. I'm terrified of tomorrow. I'm afraid to remember and I'm afraid that I won't be able to remember enough. It's so confusing and I am so overwhelmed. My roommate will be taking me, but she cannot be with me when I work with the sketch artist. Nor can she be with me when I talk to the officer handling my case. It's scary and I don't want to do any of it. I don't want to think about any of it. I know I have to, but I don't want to.

This whole experience has been like a nightmare I can't wake up from. But, then again, I've barely been able to sleep. It's too much sometimes, and then, other times, I wonder whether I'm overreacting and being dramatic. I know what happened and I know it wasn't okay. I know how it affected me and how the professionals working with me perceive the incident. But, knowing all of that means nothing when I'm doubting myself. Or, worse, when someone else doubts me. A friend today told me that what happened was "nothing." Sometimes I agree. Othertimes, I know that what happened was considered to be "assault." She told me I should be thankful that nothing more happened. And, of course I am. But, something did happen. Something bad happened. I was violated. It doesn't need to be called rape for a sexual assault to have taken place. I know that because the officers have told me. I know that because, well, I've been here before. I've been there too. I can't compare the two. I just know it was wrong. I wonder if I am to blame. I wonder, but I know that I'm not. It's just hard. No words can express just how hard it is.

I think that's all I can share tonight. I know it's getting better, easier. I think it is, anyway. I don't know. What I do know, however, is that I have been deeply touched by all of your kindness. I know I haven't responded to each and every one of you, but please know that you've all touched my heart and that your individual words mean so much. I'm a lucky person, despite what happened, for along with the horrible things that happened to me, I have been given the gift of seeing humanity first-hand. And, even though it's difficult to see the light, I know it is there. It always is.