My Week from he** July 15-23rd.Very sensitive topic (trigger for some). Long and sad.

Chris, I am so incredibly sorry that you and your family are going through this horrible, tough time right now. I know that nothing I can say or do will make it better, but I AM thinking of you, and hoping you can keep your chin up, take care of yourself and your family who need you.

I cannot possibly know the depth of your pain but please accept my deepest condolences and prayers. I hope sharing this terrible time with the people here who care about you has helped in some way. Much love and hugs from me and mine

Chris.....

Chris,
I hope you will accept my condolences as well. I have seen first hand how the incredible stress of a death in the family can make folks turn on one another.

Keep writing your deepest feelings down. Send them to this forum. Getting it out can be quite cathartic.

:h ugs: Unfortunately I lack the capacity to offer anything to really help, but I hope it helps a bit to know you're in my thoughts right now.

I wish I could just wrap you up in my arms and give you a huge hug! I am soo sorry that you are having to deal with this. I can't imagine what you are going through. You and your family are in my prayers

Chris, I can't even imagine all you are going through, I only wish there was something one could do or say. I do know that when people are hurt by someone close, and they can't hit back in any way, then they will take it it out on anyone who is in the way, and every little thing is exaggerated. I hope you and your mom will find a way back to each other soon, maybe using the new birth in the family as a route to peace.

Many many vibes to you and the family, from the bottom of my heart.

I have no words to offer to you or your family Chris. Just know that my heart is breaking for you having to go through all of this. If you ever need anything you know we are all here for you...I have you in my thoughts and prayers! <3<3<3

I can't even begin to think of the pain you're going through and I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this. You're in my thoughts and I'm sending and for you.

It sounds like you need major support right now. Definately locate a suicide support group in your area. It is very important for you to do this. Also, locate one online but please make sure you get in- person help, don't use online as a substitute. I would also recommend you see a personal counselor. You need someone who can watch out carefully for YOUR wellbeing and can see the signs of you not just grieving but reentering a dangerous depression. At that point meds will be needed if you spiral down too far. But sometimes it can be difficult to see the forest through the trees.

I see my therapist tonite and she is well versed in suicide survivors. I will get book recommendations.

I wish that there was something I could do or say to help. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Originally Posted by fifi1puss

It sounds like you need major support right now. Definately locate a suicide support group in your area. It is very important for you to do this. Also, locate one online but please make sure you get in- person help, don't use online as a substitute. I would also recommend you see a personal counselor. You need someone who can watch out carefully for YOUR wellbeing and can see the signs of you not just grieving but reentering a dangerous depression. At that point meds will be needed if you spiral down too far. But sometimes it can be difficult to see the forest through the trees.

I see my therapist tonite and she is well versed in suicide survivors. I will get book recommendations.

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Quick response:

I would appreciate any good book recommendations. (I am actually going to a book store later today)

As someone who has dealt with depression for my entire life, and made several (more than several, medically speaking I should be dead right now) attempts at my own life, I do know what I am doing, and tho I refused antidepressents at this time, I will not hesitate to do so if I think I need them. I have my reasons for refusing, as I was on one for 5-6yrs at a very high dosage, it worked well, then my life became stable and I didn't feel any benefit of them, so with doc supervision I withdrew from them. It was 6mos of absolute he**. 3mos of tapering, 3mos of withdrawal symptoms after, and lucky me, I didn't get "just the normal" symptoms, I got those listed in the rare section, and really don't know how my husband did it.

anyways, so that is my reasoning right now for chosing not. If I absolutely have to, then I will, as I know I have a chemical imbalance, and its gotten worse with age...tho I haven't had it tested any time recently.

I have no thoughts of harming myself, or going to join my father. Personally I think it is a very selfish act.

I am however aware than the down phase I was in prior to this happening ( I wrote in the positive post on the 15th about not being able to find many positives ) has increased substantially....for that reason alone, I have been setting up a "support system", and those who know me know what to watch for in case I cannot see it myself.

My doc has given me the name/number of a local support group for SOS (survivors of suicide), unfortunately it only runs 2 x a yr.... fall and spring.

I am seeing a therapist, have been for a bit....and most of my life, off and on.

Anyways, point being I am not afraid to ask for help......and I disagree about online not being a suitable resource. 99% of my friends are online, and that doesn't make them any less of a friend or support. Two friends in particular can "smell" if something is not right with me and they call me on it.... Love them for that.

So much for being short eh....

I fully intend on responding to each and every one who posted because I don't know that you all realise how much support you are actually giving me, and for that I am truly thankful

Chris, I really can't express what I want to say to you. But please know that I have been thinking about you and praying for you and your family. I wish you peace and comfort.

First I will say I am glad you have a good support system in place but I must say I am really hurt that you were so upset with my post. I was just trying to be supportive and helpful. If you "know what you are doing" than why are you asking people for support and help. Only to reply to their post by blasting them. It was only coming from a place of concern and well meaning and than to be ripped apart is so not cool. I deal with depression also and to try and help someone and then get ripped apart really sucks....but don't worry, I won't bother again.

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

As someone who has dealt with depression for my entire life I do know what I am doing.

I too have dealt with clinical depression my whole life. In and out of hospitals etc. I was trying to offer support not trying to tell you "what to do" or infer you didn't know what you were doing. I am actually pretty upset about this so I won't be trying to "help" anymore if I am going to be blasted for it.


Anyways, point being I am not afraid to ask for help......and I disagree about online not being a suitable resource. 99% of my friends are online, and that doesn't make them any less of a friend or support. Two friends in particular can "smell" if something is not right with me and they call me on it....

Love them for that.
I also never said that online was not "suitable" I just mentioned that at times like these there is no substitute for in person one on one contact with professionals and people who are familiar with suicide survival. I speak from experiance. But whatever...you do what you gotta do...since you "know what you are doing"

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Originally Posted by fifi1puss

First I will say I am glad you have a good support system in place but I must say I am really hurt that you were so upset with my post. I was just trying to be supportive and helpful. If you "know what you are doing" than why are you asking people for support and help. Only to reply to their post by blasting them. It was only coming from a place of concern and well meaning and than to be ripped apart is so not cool. I deal with depression also and to try and help someone and then get ripped apart really sucks....but don't worry, I won't bother again.

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wow, yet another thing to add to the list that keeps piling up. You sound like my mother, lashing out at whatever/whomever you can, and for that I hope you are ok, and that you are just lashing out at the nearest person possible....I hope you are or will be ok, and find someone to vent to appropriately.

I am sorry you are offended with my response, and for now, I need to put you on ignore as this is yet another thing to add to my list of crap that keeps piling up on me, and really, I don't think I need this. Hopefully you understand that I need to protect myself, and its not personal, its a safety measure as I cannot continue to take all of this.

Never once did I intend for my msg to be taken as you did. I was in no way upset with your post, and said I would appreciate book suggestions as I know I will need them.

I was trying to reassure you that I had a support system in place because you seem concerned that I need one.

I never said I know what I'm doing, in fact in my first post I said the opposite:

It is nothing like I've ever dealt with before....it doesn't compare to previous losses, previous suicides, previous relatives deaths...............

Why did I write this? I don't know..... to let my friends know why I seem distant, to let them know that there will come a point where everything will come crashing down on me and I will need all the support I can get.

I know there are no words for a situation like this...it just doesn't compare to the loss of someone who was sick, got in an accident, or had always been depressed.

Maybe some words of healing thoughts, some prayers to deal with this, some wishes to find closure....recommendations for books to read..... anything that anyone can recommend, online or written books/etc. would be appreciated.

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I stand corrected, I did say I knew what I was doing in my post in the context of arranging a support system, since you seemed very concerned that I may or may not have one, and you think I need one. I was trying to reassure you that I did have measures in place for when I do need them.

I also clarified why I chose not to go with antidepressents, which I think are overprescribed and definately not the answer to every problem. In fact they can make a suicidal person more suicidal. I too have been in and out of hospitals for a good chunk of my life, and do know the benefits and negatives of antidepressents,

I do know how to ask for help, what I do not know is how to deal with my father killing himself when he was never depressed in his life, adamant that suicide was selfish, stopped me from death many times, and my mom did not tell me of his mental state over the last month.

I reread and asked for a second opinion on my post and so far none of it warrants your hostility and negativity.

Hopefully you accept my apology for the way you took my message, and believe that nothing I said was meant to upset you. I chose to respond to yours as you were offering book suggestions which I really wanted before I left for the store.

I appreciate that everyone is entitled to their own view, but I do think that in a sensitive issue such as this, condeming/criticizing and trying to guilt someone who just lost their father, is not nessecarily a humane thing to do.

Or in your words, "it is so not cool".

( and this would be a prime example of how detached I am, nothing you've said, even now has upset me, or angered me, the only reason I am using the ignore feature is because eventually I will look back on this thread when I do need some support and don't want to read something that is just going to make me feel worse, once I start feeling again )

Chris, I am so sorry for what has happened to you and your family. It is a tough thing you are dealing with in your heart. I am glad you have turned to friends here for support. Although we don't know each other personally, we all have hearts and hurt for you. Please continue to come here and vent. We will listen.

Chris, I decided to come back and add something to my post. At a very low time in the life of my family, my daughter tried to commit suicide. She was just a teenager at the time. Her heart actually stopped and she was shocked back to life by the doctors. I lived with the guilt of it all for a long time. I blamed myself and kept asking what if I had done this or that or something else. I was convinced of what a bad mother I was. It scared me so bad and I felt so guilty. Finally I was able to stop blaming myself and accept the fact that people make their own decisions for whatever reason. There is probably nothing you could have done that would have changed what happened. Try to focus your thoughts on the future and not the past. Again, please remember we are all here for you. Please vent because it will help.

So sorry for your loss Chris and the way that this has all happened.

You are in my thoughts

Hello Chris, lots of to you because I know you need them right now. Wish there was a LOT more that I could do

Originally Posted by mrsgreenjeens

Wow, Chris, I don't know what to say. I am so, so sorry this has happened, and I, too, wish the stroke had killed him rather than put him, and your entire family, through so much misery. For him to have suddenly thought of himself as a murderer would be unbearable to him, as you have described him, so it is almost understandable why he did this unthinkable thing. Remember, he was not himself anymore. And remember, your mother is also under a terrible strain, and probably has been since his stroke. This has been building up all these months, and you just happened to be the one she took it out on. This doesn't make it right, but it happened none the less. She is still family, and maybe one day the hurt you feel will lessen.

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You are very right... My mom has been under unbareable strain over the past 4-6-8wks, and I can't imagine what she is going through. They had been together for 26yrs and the only time they were apart was during her kidney surgery ( for one night ) and when he had a triple bypass a few yrs back, they were apart for a couple nights.

I do understand that, and understand why me....we were spending the most time together since I had to do a lot of the driving n such, so it does make sense that she lashed out on me..... or perhaps it was that combined with the fact that I've attempted suicide more times than we can count, and her husband attempted once and succeeded. Either way it is logically understandable.

Emotionally however, I cannot comprehend how a mom could say things to a child....I would never dream of hurting my children like that. But sadly, this is not new. There is a reason I felt life was not worth living at the age of 9. In time the hurt will ease I'm sure.

She and my siblings are all I have for family My biological father's side, there's some uncles/an aunt/cousins....but none of which I associate with, and haven't for many years. There are some things that are truly unforgiveable. I value my mom more than ever, and truly hope that once I am able to heal from this, that she and I can heal our relationship.

You are very right in your statement of how he ( his name was Mark ) felt by thinking he was a murderer. Part of his goodbye note said:

I know you donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t believe me but my guilt is real.

I am so afraid to die, but I can not live with this pain.

Please try to keep our secret a secret.

[font=&quot]I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t know what I was thinking that day but unfortunately it is unforgivable[/font].

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The secret: He thought he tried to kill his grandson, my nephew, by letting him run out into the road. That was just one of many things he thought he did.

He truly thought he deserved to die.

This had turned into a longer response than I thought, so instead of responding to others, I will end this here and respond further in the next msg.

Thank you so much for your response, I truly appreciate you taking the time to write and support.

Originally Posted by GailC

I want to lend my support to you in any way. I will not pretend to know how you are doing as I know you much be still in shock. But do not blame yourself for what has happened-you had no way of knowing what would.

Many, many years ago when my twin and I started our senior year of high school our parents were in a terrible auto accident. For years I internally told my self "if only I asked Dad for some $$(when they dropped us off at our high school hangout)the accident wouldn't have happened" How do I know that this statement would have been true? I don't but when you are 17 I kept on thinking it was somehow my fault. It took me many years to accept that I couldn't have know what would have happened.

I'm very sorry for your loss but please consider and write your thoughts down if possible on the good times with your father. Perhaps you could share these thoughts with your mom and siblings when you feel the time is right.

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Gail, thank you so much... I know eventually when I'm not so "detached" I will indeed question "what if". Your msg will come in very handy during that time.

I appreciate you sharing part of your life, and thank you for your support and suggestions. I write, (kinda obvious eh ) but I should indeed share some of the good times. I worry tho.... Like right now, my facebook profile pic is that of my dad kissing my cheek the day I was married 3yrs ago. It is a beautiful picture.... My sister wrote about how she never thought about being married, but now ( she had her first baby on July 18th and it was bittersweet. I was there, and we cried, Grampa should have been out in the waiting room) she wishes her dad would be there for her wedding when it eventually happens.... I of course feel bad that he was there to walk me down the aisle, but won't be for her.

I am privleged enough that he knew my children, he saw me grow up from an angry, not so nice, suicidal 9-10yr old, into a married woman with 2 older kids, a family of my own which he knew. My kids knew their Grampa, and loved him dearly.

I think writing positives will be a good thing...thanks for the suggestion.

Originally Posted by Mystik Spiral

Oh my gosh, I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through. The loss of a loved one, a parent, is horrible. I lost my dad to cancer two years ago, but at least I can say we had time to prepare.

Check out suicide.org, they have a list of books that may help. In the meantime, you are in my thoughts.

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I am so sorry for your loss

Thank you for the link, and the thoughts. I appreciate it all.

Originally Posted by farleyv

I am so sorry you have to go through all this other stuff after the shock of loosing your dad.

Your mom was just striking out at the nearest person. It happened to be you. Stress and such sorrow make people say and do things they would never have done otherwise.

Is there a bereavement group near you? Maybe that would be good for you to see how others are coping with the same issues as you.

God bless you Chris, we are always here to listen.

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Thank you so much.
My doc gave me the number to a 24hr mental health line, as well as a SOS (survivors of suicide) group. The group unfortunately meets 2x yr, in the spring and fall. They recommend for ppl to get the most out of it, that they need to be past the shock/detachment stage, and into active grieving, so I am hoping by the time its running again, that it will benefit me.
I will check for bereavement groups nearby as my doc did not suggest any, she was more concerned on the suicide aspect.
Thanks for the suggestion, and I appreciate you taking the time to write

Originally Posted by mbjerkness

Chris I am so sorry you have had to go through all of this

I have no advice or words of wisdom, only a hug and an ear to listen

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Thank you Marianne, I appreciate it very much. Honestly I am glad there doesn't seem to be any who have lost a parent this way.... it is truly unlike anything else.

I value the friendship you've always extended towards me, and hope you know that.

Originally Posted by Carolina

Chris, I am sorry, trully and deeply sorry you are going through all this. Sorry for your loss, for your family loss, and for your grieving.

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Thank you. It is all appreciated very much.

Originally Posted by Ruthyb

Oh my gosh hun, I am so sorry, that truly blew me away, I am in shock, what you have had to deal with is just unthinkable. I don't really know what to say apart from we are here and huge hugs.xxxx

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Its ok, a lot of ppl do not know what to say, and thats completely fine. I never expected to be writing anything like this, and hope that noone I know has to go through this.

I appreciate your thoughts Thanks so much.


more later, today is a very sucky day, so I have to do this in stages.
to all.