This is unlike anything I've had to deal with before and I don't have any clue what/how/when in terms of dealing with it.... I thought it would be close to some prior experiences but it isn't. At the present time, I am very detached and feel like I am on the outside looking in. I smile, I laugh, I fake everything in order to function. I have one child gone away for 3wks, and my 10yr old still here who needs me.
*****DISCLAIMER: very sensitive topic, and I will "sugarcoat" what I can of a horrific situation *******
My father commited suicide on July 15th. He was 48yrs old.
My mother and 24yr old brother found my dad sitting on the floor beside his bed not breathing, and thought he had another stroke, untill they moved him to do CPR and discovered that he had ended his own life.
It was UNEXPECTED to me, as I did not know that he was having some psychological issues over the last 6-8wks. It was something my mom chose to keep from those of us that do not live in her area. This is something he would NEVER do..... absolutely NEVER because, well several reasons: my mom, the love of his life, his soulmate, lost her father to suicide. Me, he stopped me from ending my own life when I was a young teen....he and my mom had me hospitalized because of that and the day they were going to put me into the hospital, I ran while trying to end my life..... he ran after me and prevented it. He never had depression problems, and was always the one to make others laugh. He never hurt anyone in his life, and he was a darn good man.
Biologically, he did not contribute to my creation. That said, he entered my life when I was 7yrs old. He was only 23 when he began living with my mom, and took on the responsibility and became father to me and my older brother. He IS my dad. Or was.
July 16th: I got the phonecall on the morning of the16th, I had not heard the phone ring but when I came downstairs my answerring machine light was blinking. I had to listen to the message 3x before I could actually hear my moms voice asking me to call her. Right then and there, I knew something was wrong and assumed that either Gramma was in hospital or Dad had had another stroke.... I took a few deep breaths and called my mom back. It was 7:37am.
When my mom told me she just said "he's gone", immediately I started crying and asked if he had had another stroke...Mom whispered that he had killed himself. I was shocked, screamed no no no and literally collapsed. My daughter stood by me, handing me kleenex and trying to wipe my face.
I composed myself for my momma's sake....she blamed herself.
This was also my youngest sisters 17th birthday.
July 17th: I flew to Alberta on the 17th to take my younger sister out, so we could be there for the viewing as he was being cremated in order to be flown home ( here in Ontario ) and laid to rest by his father.
There was no note found at the time.
July 17-18th: My other sister was in labor with her first, my dad's first biological granddaughter. My mom cannot drive in the city, so I played chaffeur as mom was to be with my sis when she had the baby, I was also invited.
Mom and I came home and got bout 2hrs sleep before we went back and spent all day at the hospital.
Adelynn was born at 5pm, healthy and beautiful.
Mom spent the night in the hospital with her.
Mon. July 19th. while looking in some drawers for a notebook, I found my dads suicide note. Yet another huge shock. I do not know which was worse, the shock of finding it or the hurt when I told my mom she needed to sit down and I handed her the note with shaking hands. She just looked at me, and said no...no way.... and read it, as did the 3 other siblings around.
Tues. July 20th: It was my daughters 14th birthday, and also my dads viewing (I had not seen him since shortly before they moved to AB, and he had lost about 50lbs in the last month) at 3:30pm.
My older brother started arguing with me prior to the viewing, I tried to stop it by saying Mom didn't need this right now, none of us did. He completely spazzed and verbally assaulted me untill Mom was crying and yelled at him to stop.
Fast forward to the viewing: because he was being cremated, he was in a pine box, with a sheet up to his neck. No casket, no flowers...it was literally just a viewing.
My mom, dad's mom and husband, all 7 of us kids, and some asst. family and the neighbours who had been helping out the whole time were there. My sister had just been released from hospital on Mon. Her daughter was there too. Every single one of the kids broke down, and I was there holding them up. I caught my sister as she fell, I held my brothers as they cried, I held his mom, my mom, I took care of everyone.
I had to pull my sister out of the room as our time was up.
Wed. July 21: My mom and I normally get along quite well. Untill we spend too much time together and then we begin to bicker...... which started happening this day. I saw it, and said something to her to try to make both of us aware of it in a light manner. It didn't work. She ended up letting loose on me, and I ended up walking back to her place without any clue where I was going. I kept thinking to myself that it wasn't personal, she is lost right now, and grieving....but I too am grieving, even though I'd spent all the time caring for everyone else..... shortly after I got home, my mom for whatever reason, gave me a very very low blow.
I will never forget it either.... She told me that I proved I didn't love them because I spent more time with my in-laws at my wedding 3yrs prior....I really didn't love my dead father.
Thats when I snapped. I went to my room and just bawled/screamed/ just broke down...... I had noone there to support me either. I don't know why she would deal such a low blow.....I really don't. Yes she was grieving, but that is not an excuse.
I stayed in my room, packed, talked to my husband and calmed myself.... went to bed early because we were getting picked up at 4:45am.
Thurs. July 22: Me and my lil sis came home. My mom didn't even say goodbye or I love you..... not a word to me, and yes she was awake. All I could think of on the plane ride home was that I hoped nothing happened because she would feel so much guilt at not having said goodbye, I love you, or doing any of the things we were supposed to do together on Wed.
When I got home, there was an email waiting from her, in which she stated: " I hope someday you will forgive me the way i forgave you years ago when you wished we were dead and told us how much you hated us."
Great, yet another burden for me to deal with. Yes I said those things, when I was a KID....a messed up teen who had been molested, emotionally/verbally abused. There is a difference between what she said as an adult, a mother, than what I said as a screwed up kid/teen.
I did respond, and thats been it...Nothing since.
Fri. Jul 23: I went to doc to for normal stuff and see if she could give me something to help me calm down, etc. She couldn't as it contradicted with meds I am already on, and due to my history wanted to put me on an antidepressent....which I refused. I will go on one if I need to, but right now I do not need to. I have no desire to end my life, and although I am depressed, ( diagnosed at the age of 10 with chronic depression) I am doing ok. According to my doctors, I am still in shock. I can talk about this easily, and I do cry. But I smile, detach myself and go on like I'm outside of my life.
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I thought it would be like losing my best friend back in 93....she also committed suicide. But its not.
I thought it would be like grieving lost relatives, but its not.
It is nothing like I've ever dealt with before....it doesn't compare to previous losses, previous suicides, previous relatives deaths...
Somehow, I need to find out how to accept and deal with the fact that the man who saved my life so many times, took his own.
Why did I write this? I don't know..... to let my friends know why I seem distant, to let them know that there will come a point where everything will come crashing down on me and I will need all the support I can get.
I know there are no words for a situation like this...it just doesn't compare to the loss of someone who was sick, got in an accident, or had always been depressed.
Maybe some words of healing thoughts, some prayers to deal with this, some wishes to find closure....recommendations for books to read..... anything that anyone can recommend, online or written books/etc. would be appreciated.
I'm just lost right now. I fall asleep crying, I wake with my pillow soaked in the middle of the night, I see my dad the way my mom described finding him, yet during the day I push all that away to try to function "normally".
The only anger I've expressed so far was back on Monday, when I was dealing with all mom's calls...Including the one from the psychiatrist that my mom and his mom took him to see on July 7th...the one they begged to keep him as they were scared that he was going to commit suicide and they couldn't watch him all the time..... they begged. But the hospital had no beds, and the doctors thought he wasn't a threat, so they sent him home with 2 different antipsychotic meds and an antidepressent and an appt in 2wks. He was dead 8 days later.
He had a stroke in April, and it was just weeks after that, that he started acting different. We believe that the stroke hit the part of the brain that controls mental illness, and he was bordering paranoid schizophrenic. He believed things that were completely untrue, never happened. He thought he was a murderer...thought he tried to kill us kids, grandkids, my mom.... He wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, would sit and watch tv and not even be there..... In his mind, he was guilty of unspeakable acts, did not deserve forgiveness, and thus had to die.
Knowing it wasn't 100% him that made this choice, helps some.... but still doesn't help it completely.
I truely wish the stroke he had in April, had killed him, instead of screwing up his head and causing this to happen.
Thanks for reading, I am sorry if I offended anyone, I just needed to get it out.I just need it to be understood that this is not the "typical" death of a parent, that I am having a lot of difficulties dealing with this, and would appreciate any and all thoughts.
Thank you so much.
*****DISCLAIMER: very sensitive topic, and I will "sugarcoat" what I can of a horrific situation *******
My father commited suicide on July 15th. He was 48yrs old.
My mother and 24yr old brother found my dad sitting on the floor beside his bed not breathing, and thought he had another stroke, untill they moved him to do CPR and discovered that he had ended his own life.
It was UNEXPECTED to me, as I did not know that he was having some psychological issues over the last 6-8wks. It was something my mom chose to keep from those of us that do not live in her area. This is something he would NEVER do..... absolutely NEVER because, well several reasons: my mom, the love of his life, his soulmate, lost her father to suicide. Me, he stopped me from ending my own life when I was a young teen....he and my mom had me hospitalized because of that and the day they were going to put me into the hospital, I ran while trying to end my life..... he ran after me and prevented it. He never had depression problems, and was always the one to make others laugh. He never hurt anyone in his life, and he was a darn good man.
Biologically, he did not contribute to my creation. That said, he entered my life when I was 7yrs old. He was only 23 when he began living with my mom, and took on the responsibility and became father to me and my older brother. He IS my dad. Or was.
July 16th: I got the phonecall on the morning of the16th, I had not heard the phone ring but when I came downstairs my answerring machine light was blinking. I had to listen to the message 3x before I could actually hear my moms voice asking me to call her. Right then and there, I knew something was wrong and assumed that either Gramma was in hospital or Dad had had another stroke.... I took a few deep breaths and called my mom back. It was 7:37am.
When my mom told me she just said "he's gone", immediately I started crying and asked if he had had another stroke...Mom whispered that he had killed himself. I was shocked, screamed no no no and literally collapsed. My daughter stood by me, handing me kleenex and trying to wipe my face.
I composed myself for my momma's sake....she blamed herself.
This was also my youngest sisters 17th birthday.
July 17th: I flew to Alberta on the 17th to take my younger sister out, so we could be there for the viewing as he was being cremated in order to be flown home ( here in Ontario ) and laid to rest by his father.
There was no note found at the time.
July 17-18th: My other sister was in labor with her first, my dad's first biological granddaughter. My mom cannot drive in the city, so I played chaffeur as mom was to be with my sis when she had the baby, I was also invited.
Mom and I came home and got bout 2hrs sleep before we went back and spent all day at the hospital.
Adelynn was born at 5pm, healthy and beautiful.
Mom spent the night in the hospital with her.
Mon. July 19th. while looking in some drawers for a notebook, I found my dads suicide note. Yet another huge shock. I do not know which was worse, the shock of finding it or the hurt when I told my mom she needed to sit down and I handed her the note with shaking hands. She just looked at me, and said no...no way.... and read it, as did the 3 other siblings around.
Tues. July 20th: It was my daughters 14th birthday, and also my dads viewing (I had not seen him since shortly before they moved to AB, and he had lost about 50lbs in the last month) at 3:30pm.
My older brother started arguing with me prior to the viewing, I tried to stop it by saying Mom didn't need this right now, none of us did. He completely spazzed and verbally assaulted me untill Mom was crying and yelled at him to stop.
Fast forward to the viewing: because he was being cremated, he was in a pine box, with a sheet up to his neck. No casket, no flowers...it was literally just a viewing.
My mom, dad's mom and husband, all 7 of us kids, and some asst. family and the neighbours who had been helping out the whole time were there. My sister had just been released from hospital on Mon. Her daughter was there too. Every single one of the kids broke down, and I was there holding them up. I caught my sister as she fell, I held my brothers as they cried, I held his mom, my mom, I took care of everyone.
I had to pull my sister out of the room as our time was up.
Wed. July 21: My mom and I normally get along quite well. Untill we spend too much time together and then we begin to bicker...... which started happening this day. I saw it, and said something to her to try to make both of us aware of it in a light manner. It didn't work. She ended up letting loose on me, and I ended up walking back to her place without any clue where I was going. I kept thinking to myself that it wasn't personal, she is lost right now, and grieving....but I too am grieving, even though I'd spent all the time caring for everyone else..... shortly after I got home, my mom for whatever reason, gave me a very very low blow.
I will never forget it either.... She told me that I proved I didn't love them because I spent more time with my in-laws at my wedding 3yrs prior....I really didn't love my dead father.
Thats when I snapped. I went to my room and just bawled/screamed/ just broke down...... I had noone there to support me either. I don't know why she would deal such a low blow.....I really don't. Yes she was grieving, but that is not an excuse.
I stayed in my room, packed, talked to my husband and calmed myself.... went to bed early because we were getting picked up at 4:45am.
Thurs. July 22: Me and my lil sis came home. My mom didn't even say goodbye or I love you..... not a word to me, and yes she was awake. All I could think of on the plane ride home was that I hoped nothing happened because she would feel so much guilt at not having said goodbye, I love you, or doing any of the things we were supposed to do together on Wed.
When I got home, there was an email waiting from her, in which she stated: " I hope someday you will forgive me the way i forgave you years ago when you wished we were dead and told us how much you hated us."
Great, yet another burden for me to deal with. Yes I said those things, when I was a KID....a messed up teen who had been molested, emotionally/verbally abused. There is a difference between what she said as an adult, a mother, than what I said as a screwed up kid/teen.
I did respond, and thats been it...Nothing since.
Fri. Jul 23: I went to doc to for normal stuff and see if she could give me something to help me calm down, etc. She couldn't as it contradicted with meds I am already on, and due to my history wanted to put me on an antidepressent....which I refused. I will go on one if I need to, but right now I do not need to. I have no desire to end my life, and although I am depressed, ( diagnosed at the age of 10 with chronic depression) I am doing ok. According to my doctors, I am still in shock. I can talk about this easily, and I do cry. But I smile, detach myself and go on like I'm outside of my life.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I thought it would be like losing my best friend back in 93....she also committed suicide. But its not.
I thought it would be like grieving lost relatives, but its not.
It is nothing like I've ever dealt with before....it doesn't compare to previous losses, previous suicides, previous relatives deaths...
Somehow, I need to find out how to accept and deal with the fact that the man who saved my life so many times, took his own.
Why did I write this? I don't know..... to let my friends know why I seem distant, to let them know that there will come a point where everything will come crashing down on me and I will need all the support I can get.
I know there are no words for a situation like this...it just doesn't compare to the loss of someone who was sick, got in an accident, or had always been depressed.
Maybe some words of healing thoughts, some prayers to deal with this, some wishes to find closure....recommendations for books to read..... anything that anyone can recommend, online or written books/etc. would be appreciated.
I'm just lost right now. I fall asleep crying, I wake with my pillow soaked in the middle of the night, I see my dad the way my mom described finding him, yet during the day I push all that away to try to function "normally".
The only anger I've expressed so far was back on Monday, when I was dealing with all mom's calls...Including the one from the psychiatrist that my mom and his mom took him to see on July 7th...the one they begged to keep him as they were scared that he was going to commit suicide and they couldn't watch him all the time..... they begged. But the hospital had no beds, and the doctors thought he wasn't a threat, so they sent him home with 2 different antipsychotic meds and an antidepressent and an appt in 2wks. He was dead 8 days later.
He had a stroke in April, and it was just weeks after that, that he started acting different. We believe that the stroke hit the part of the brain that controls mental illness, and he was bordering paranoid schizophrenic. He believed things that were completely untrue, never happened. He thought he was a murderer...thought he tried to kill us kids, grandkids, my mom.... He wouldn't sleep, wouldn't eat, would sit and watch tv and not even be there..... In his mind, he was guilty of unspeakable acts, did not deserve forgiveness, and thus had to die.
Knowing it wasn't 100% him that made this choice, helps some.... but still doesn't help it completely.
I truely wish the stroke he had in April, had killed him, instead of screwing up his head and causing this to happen.
Thanks for reading, I am sorry if I offended anyone, I just needed to get it out.I just need it to be understood that this is not the "typical" death of a parent, that I am having a lot of difficulties dealing with this, and would appreciate any and all thoughts.
Thank you so much.
