How would you handle your strong convictions?

goldenkitty45

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Not cat related, but human related. As most of you know, I have some pretty strong convictions but want to be honest and hate to "lie" about how I feel about situations.

I just wanted to know how some of you would handle this. The situation is not in my family but in a close friend of the family - a granddaughter of the family.

A little background. Long time friends (the couple) and so my hubby knows the grandchild from when she was very little - I knew her as a young teenager. Her mother as into drugs, lost custody and the grandmother more/less raised her. For awhile the child was going to church and was doing fine. But about mid teen, she rebelled again and because the grandmother was in on good health, the child went back to the mother (she was off of drugs but still not a good influence - allowed the daughter to quite school and "date"/sleep with whoever she wanted to).

So not the granddaughter is back again (mother died) and she is barely over 18 (I think she is 19 now), pregnant by one guy, but dating a "separated" older guy who will be deployed in a month. NO plans of marriage at all. She is on welfare at this time, no job.

We had the feeling she would be pregnant considering what kind of life she choose and were not really surprised.

But here's the part I'm having a problem with. I cannot be "happy" or "excited" about this at all. And I can't pretend I am. I can only pray the baby will be ok when born. She has NO intentions of marriage, no way to support this baby, etc. IMO the child should be given up for adoption. I'm not really looking for advice per say, but just wanted to know how you feel when someone is doing something you really are against or have strong morals/convictions about it.

I asked her "so when will you get married?" - her answer was "I'm not marrying the chavonistic pig"..........I wanted to say "well he was good enough for you to get pregnant by"........but just dropped it. And she doesn't even want to marry the one she is seeing now cause he's not even divorced.

The sad thing is the child suffers the most - its a child raising a child and no clue as to how to do it. BTW the grandmother is in very poor health and probably will not be here much longer (on constant oxygen now). Its "how do you get thru to them"? I know everyone makes mistakes (I certainly did), but how do you get them to see the destruction? And it doesn't help when your MIL sits there and is so happy and excited for this child and says "oh when you have a baby shower, I'd like an inviation". Most all her kids/grandchildren are doing the exact same thing - having kids far too young, not married, etc.
 

mystik spiral

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Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

The sad thing is the child suffers the most
I think you just answered your own question.
I personally don't care if a child is born out of wedlock as long as it is loved. And it sounds like this baby will need some love in his/her life. Would adoption be the best route? Perhaps. But if that is not the route the mother chooses to take, there's nothing you can do about it. If you continue to be a part of this young woman's life, just keep reminding yourself that her baby neither chose nor asked to be born into the situation, and don't take out your moral objections to the situation on the innocent one. You may prove to be a positive influence in this child's life that he/she will value into adulthood.
 

fifi1puss

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I have strong convictions also. I will tell you what someone told me "Don't wrestle with the pig. It will get both of you dirty but the pig actually likes that." They obviously have no probelm with the lifestyle they are living. Not your probelm. I wouldn't be around people if I could not condone what they were doing.
 

carolina

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Just my opinion.... and on this case it will be a matter of opinion....

I think this kid had a very rough life, and what is going on with her could be a consequence of her lack of support, attention and education during her earlier years. What she went through can really mess you up - there are lots of kids that went through what she did that are in much worst shape, leading a life of crime, drugs, on the streets, with no chance whatsoever of leading a better life. I have seeing first hand.
I am not saying that her pregnancy is a good thing... but I do understand that it was a high probability of happening, and why.
I think more then judging, IMO, this kid needs support and guidance. The decision of what to do with her child ir hers, and nobody elses. You can have your convictions, but they are your own to have - on this case, IMO, you can not force it on her as being the right thing to do. It is her body, her child, her life, her future. It is a very deep decision, and she has a choice to make.
This is a child, but before anything else, it is HER child.
If she wants to keep the child, IMO support should be givven for her to understand the responsibilities of motherhood, and try to turn her life around. Luckily she is out of drugs, and hopefully once her maternal insticnts kick in,
she will work hard to give this child a life she didn't have. I have seen that first hand too - mothers changing their lifes around to offer their kids a better life.
So this might no be the worst thing in the world.
About marrying, that is a matter of what your belief system is. I have been married and I am divorced... I am 36 now and getting close to the "cutt off" time to have a child - I can tell you that my choice will be to do it on my own, not marrying the father. That is MY choice, and no one else's, based on my beliefs, experiences, and what I believe will be best for me and my child. So again, having convictions in a delicate case like this is ok, but can not be forced on the other person....
If the concern is the child, it will do absolutely no good to not support her on her decision and just abandon her when that child comes into the World...

Again, that is only my opinion....
 

kailie

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It is because of my own strong convictions that I really have cut ties with a LOT of people and prefer to surround myself with only those I really love and enjoy. I am so tired of stupidity, immaturity and ignorance that I prefer to live a more solitary life than to try to get through to people who just don't have a clue.
 

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Originally Posted by Kailie

It is because of my own strong convictions that I really have cut ties with a LOT of people and prefer to surround myself with only those I really love and enjoy. I am so tired of stupidity, immaturity and ignorance that I prefer to live a more solitary life than to try to get through to people who just don't have a clue.
Couldn't have said it better myself!

I'm not really a solitary person, but geez......
 
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goldenkitty45

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I understand completely what you guys are saying, and I agree with them. But how do you deal with showing your feelings when if I would say "oh that's wonderful, etc" - when inside me its not - and I don't want to sit there and lie about it - like so many do.

And I can't sit there and say how I really feel about it. I was at another baby shower for a family member where the same thing was going on - child having a child and I just sat and watched the reactions of others how "great and wonderful it was you having a baby" - when inside I was screaming "its so wrong in so many ways" and I could not be happy.

I know that eventually I can be happy if our son and wife have a child (they are married 2 yrs and have a very strong marriage with no kids yet) - but they are doing it the right way and it will be "wonderful" when that child is born.

I know you need to show support, but its hard not to condem this at the same time.
 

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I know how you are feeling. I am struggling with my cousins choices in life. She has two children, one is a troubled teenager & the other will be 3. She was dating this one guy for 2 years and he was living with her. He proposed a few weeks ago. She always said she didn't love him yet. It was a shock that she said yes. Well last week she went from engaged to single on FB and said they are best as friends. Her almost 3 y.o. has been calling this guy daddy. He had plans to adopt him (father isn't in the picture). I found out this weekend she went away with her long lost HS sweetheart and has plans to move to another state with him.

Honestly as hard as it is, it's best to remain silent and let them learn from their mistakes.
 

Winchester

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Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

I understand completely what you guys are saying, and I agree with them. But how do you deal with showing your feelings when if I would say "oh that's wonderful, etc" - when inside me its not - and I don't want to sit there and lie about it - like so many do.

And I can't sit there and say how I really feel about it. I was at another baby shower for a family member where the same thing was going on - child having a child and I just sat and watched the reactions of others how "great and wonderful it was you having a baby" - when inside I was screaming "its so wrong in so many ways" and I could not be happy.

I know that eventually I can be happy if our son and wife have a child (they are married 2 yrs and have a very strong marriage with no kids yet) - but they are doing it the right way and it will be "wonderful" when that child is born.

I know you need to show support, but its hard not to condem this at the same time.
To be honest, sit there.....and say nothing. You can smile. But don't offer your congratulations, don't say "Oh, I'm so happy for you!" Don't say anything.

You're right, you can't tell them how you really feel....that, too, isn't the right thing to do. But that doesn't mean you have to pretend that everything is just perfect.....not when it's not. And if you don't want to attend a shower, well, then don't. You can always say that you're really busy at that particular time; you don't have to say that you're busy watching a movie; it's not their business. Send a gift and then let it go.

Just don't say anything. Does that makes sense?
 

carolina

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Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

but they are doing it the right way and it will be "wonderful" when that child is born.
You have have have to remember that your way is your way - it is the right way for you, but not necessarily THE right way, the absolute truth....
This girl is having a child, a baby, and that is a big deal for her... She will not mourn this, and I wouldn't either... I would be elated if I were 16, 17, 18, 28, 30, or 40. And frankly I think that is better than being terribly upset about it...
You can talk to her, tell her how you feel, then say that you will be there to support her, because you love her... But then you must move on for the sake of the child...
In something like this, your convictions apply to your life... Hers to hers... She will be the only one living her life - she will be the one raising that child forever... Don't ever forget that... You are entitled to your opinion, but ultimately it is her life.
If she was your kid, under your roof and your dime, then you could apply your convictions, but even then only to a certain degree.... But that is not the case here...
It is important that this mother is happy and healthy and not going through tormoil for the sake of her unborn child...
 
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goldenkitty45

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Yes it is her life and maybe she's pregnant thinking that the child will "love" her because she never got that. But you see so many kids having problems due to the very thing over and over. The child will grow up in a "welfare" mind with all of us paying the price.

So few still believe in the order - marriage then kids. We've (as society) condoned the child out of wedlock so long, that people think that's the right way to do things. That the "father" is nothing more then a sperm donor - so many kids not having the stability of a mother and father in a loving marriage. I guess that's what is so hard to see. (or not see)

I don't want to be like the rest and "accept" this. All I can do is be on the sidelines seeing the writing on the wall they don't see.
 

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Can you say that you're praying for the baby to be born healthy, and that she has a safe delivery? Can you let the girl know that should she want to reach out for help, it will be given gladly, not grudgingly or with scorn? If you can do that, I don't know that you have to say you're thrilled she's pregnant now - but only you can decide if your heart and your faith are big enough to reach out to those who have walked different ways.

But, truly, has the baby done anything to warrant anger and disdain?
 

larussa

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My only comment is and I know it's very old fashioned "you made your bed, now you lie in it". If you're able, stay out of this girl's life and let her do what she thinks is the right thing. She will anyway no matter what anyone says.

Yes I agree the baby will get the worst of this situation and that's the saddest part. Some people today just don't know how to grow up and marriage is not always the answer.
 

carolina

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I know what you are saying, but the fact is, what is done is done... Too late now - the baby IS coming, and the best support system, and the more love and guidance thi mother has, the better chances of this bay having a better life/future than her own - that is the bottom line.
More than conviction, beiliefs, etc etc, there is the very important fact that a life is forming a a sweet, inocent baby is on its way....
The better this baby's environment and support system, the best its chance in life.

I had friend who kind of had the same thing happen to her, but she was older. But the money situation, father, etc, was the same... Like you, I was not happy, and could not tell her I was happy... So....... I had a heart to heart conversation with her, told her kindly, not judging, why I was concerned and worried and why I could not share her elation.... And I told her I loved her deeply and I would be there to support her no matter what.
She understood me, and once I spoke my peace, I moved on.

That baby turned her life 180 degrees - she went back to school, is graduationg soon, love her baby deeply, and will most definitely give him the best life possible.

So, you see, there are ways to do it... I believe that honesty is better than anything - I NEED to say what I am feeling, otherwise I obssess about it and can not get over it. So I told her...

On my own situation, when I say I would have a child out of wedlock, is because I am horrible, horrible at marriages - been there 2x, and it is NOT for me. Yes, I want a loving, present father for my child, but I know for a fact, that the best way to keep the father of my child in its life "forever" in a healthy manner would be to not being married to him. With his concent, agreement and commitment to the child yes, but not in a marriage.

So you see, what works for me, is not what works for you, and for everybody else.... This is so very personal....
 

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I feel that if someone were to ask you to critique the situation, ask you how you would handle it differently, etc., then you have carte blanche to say what you want. But when "what's done is done", I'm more of a "When in Rome..." sort of person. No sense in hurting people's feelings after the fact when there's no recourse to be had.

You're not (always) compromising your integrity by showing faux support for someone whose actions you may not agree with. You're showing grace.
 

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Originally Posted by darlili

Can you say that you're praying for the baby to be born healthy, and that she has a safe delivery? Can you let the girl know that should she want to reach out for help, it will be given gladly, not grudgingly or with scorn? If you can do that, I don't know that you have to say you're thrilled she's pregnant now - but only you can decide if your heart and your faith are big enough to reach out to those who have walked different ways. ...

Golden, I'm sure you are praying that you handle the situation the way Jesus would want you to. Sometimes living the sermon is so much more effective than preaching it. Be patient and give it to God.
 

ut0pia

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Originally Posted by GoldenKitty45

Yes it is her life and maybe she's pregnant thinking that the child will "love" her because she never got that. But you see so many kids having problems due to the very thing over and over. The child will grow up in a "welfare" mind with all of us paying the price.

So few still believe in the order - marriage then kids. We've (as society) condoned the child out of wedlock so long, that people think that's the right way to do things. That the "father" is nothing more then a sperm donor - so many kids not having the stability of a mother and father in a loving marriage. I guess that's what is so hard to see. (or not see)

I don't want to be like the rest and "accept" this. All I can do is be on the sidelines seeing the writing on the wall they don't see.
I understand your point but this is my opinion- it's not the child's fault for any of this, and how can you be anything but warm and welcoming to a newborn baby?
When you offer congratulations and tell someone you're happy for them after they give birth, IMO most of it has to do with the fact that the baby was born healthy, with no complications, that the baby looks good, etc...
It's not so much about the whole story about how the mother ended up pregnant and whether or not her life is up to your standards. I don't think anyone would want to be in her situation, but she can't go back and change any of it now, and giving a baby up for adoption is a difficult thing to do psychologically after carrying the baby for 9 months and getting attached to it, I can't imagine myself doing that no matter what the situation is...
And honestly, I fail to see the point of you asking her whether or not she should marry the father, isn't that irrelevant? IMO it's better that she didn't marry him first if she doesn't love him. It would be 10x worse if she got married, had a baby and then on top of everything had to go through a divorce..People make mistakes, but sometimes there is nothing we can do to help besides offer support and encouragement.
 

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I also have strong convictions about kids and animals and their care.
I would say if you really felt that strongly about making sure the child doesn't suffer with her decision, make sure the child knows you, whatever that takes. Take the kid out to lunch, to the zoo, let them know what a real stable home is like. You are able to have an influence on this kid in some way. We can't all get that lucky to have the ideal mother/home life. There are millions of kids out there living and growing up in less than ideal situations.
It is easy to disagree with choices and gripe about it, but I would say let it roll of your back unless you are willing to do something to make this child's life better.
 

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Originally Posted by darlili

Can you say that you're praying for the baby to be born healthy, and that she has a safe delivery? Can you let the girl know that should she want to reach out for help, it will be given gladly, not grudgingly or with scorn? If you can do that, I don't know that you have to say you're thrilled she's pregnant now - but only you can decide if your heart and your faith are big enough to reach out to those who have walked different ways....
I agree 100% with this.

The girl has had a difficult life, and a difficult road ahead of her, and she will find that out soon enough. Nobody's going to listen to what should or shouldn't have happened, too late for that. Sounds like others are trying to make the best of the situation, that doesn't mean they condone what was done.

Nobody knows how much the baby will loved or taken care of, we can't speculate on that. Having married parents who are "pillars of the community" doesn't guarantee that the mom won't abuse her children, I know from experience.
 

mystik spiral

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Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Nobody knows how much the baby will loved or taken care of, we can't speculate on that. Having married parents who are "pillars of the community" doesn't guarantee that the mom won't abuse her children, I know from experience.
Exactly. One of my best friends in high school got pregnant shortly after graduation. She was a party girl and everyone around her thought she had gone and completely ruined her life. Well, the baby was born and she became the most responsible, loving mother you could ever imagine. She has four teenagers now, is in a happy marriage, and couldn't be doing better.

You absolutely cannot predict how things will turn out, and it doesn't hurt anyone to offer your love and support through what is probably a very difficult time for this girl.
 
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