Sometimes I just don't understand me.

Thanks to facebook, myspace, etc, I've reconnected with a lot of people I was good friends with back in high school and college. I love talking with them via messages and emails and we just seem to pick up where we left off for the most part. I still consider most of these people good friends even though we haven't seen each other in 20 years.

See, that's the problem..."seeing" them. A good friend from high school lives 600 miles away but she's back visiting her parents for a week and a half...only 10 miles down the road. I was thrilled when I found out she was coming in, back in February, but now I'm finding every excuse in the book to not meet up with her. And I don't know why! She's a great person and I love talking to her, but social things basically make me panic.

This isn't the first time I've done this either. Last year we were planning on going to a small college reunion hosted by a good friend. Only about 20 people (our little group plus family) but I bowed out at the last minute.

DH and I almost got into a fight about it the other night. He said I need friends, and asked when was the last time I went and did something with someone other than him. I really had to think about that and it's been years. My two bestest friends live 50 miles and 1000 miles away, and I haven't even called them in months. Of course, they haven't called me either but that is no excuse. I have friends at work, but they are work friends not really people I want to hang out with. Plus they all have their own lives.

I have no idea why I'm freaking out about getting together with someone I was friends with before. Any ideas? Yes, I know I need a therapist but this is therapy for free!

For what it's worth (likely nothing), I'm exactly the same way.

Though of no help, just wanted you to know there are others out there. I suspect it's some sort of insecurity thing, but I just got too old to care about it anymore.

You know what...sometimes you're better off without so called friends. There aren't many people who you can really trust even tho they seem to be your friend. I wouldn't worry about it, if you're happy just being with your DH and maybe other family members, you are quite normal. Nowadays, you really can't trust everyone and true friends are hard to find. You're fine as you are.

I totally agree with everyone. If these people were truly important to you, you would see them.

We grow up, we change. I am not in touch with anyone from school. I don't miss them. I am perfectly content. And I think that may be the word. You are content with what you have. Your family. I know I am. My daughters are my best friends. Talk on the phone all the time.

There is a couple of friends, but we don't talk every day. Sometimes it is a couple weeks before we speak.

So you are not alone. I always say, I could be a hermit. I am just happy with what I have.

I do have 11 friends tho. They live with us. Kind of funny looking.. furry with 4 legs and head butts.

Some people are, by nature, loaner personalities. I'm one of them. I don't keep up with anyone from high school, don't see a reason to. While yes I have friends, they are few & far between because I've been "burned" far too many times. I have never seen a need for extreme social interaction.

I make excuses to see people at times too. Hubby also gets on my case about needing friends. For awhile, I used to make excuses on seeing the local people from the car club we used to hang out with as well, because I felt they were only there if they wanted something from us. Now I guess I've gotten over that and have a great time hanging out with them, mainly because the "users" have been weeded out and gone elsewhere, but I still make excuses with other friends.

One friend who was one of my best in HS didn't even visit me when she came down from NJ to visit another HS friend who lives in the same town as me now (crazy, 850mi away from where we went to school). That p'd me off, she said "well you could have asked to hang out" ... except she was here to visit the other girl and made no mention about us getting together. Turns out she was mad about not being invited to my actual wedding, and only the reception (wedding was limited guests allowed by a permit where we had it and I explained that ). I find myself also making excuses to not go and hang out with the girl that lives in this town, but it's probably because she's always inviting me to her kid's events, and I'm not a kid person.

I did make hubby happy by planning a trip to Fayetteville Thursday with two friends I made in pole class that I still talk with. Because I spent $70 to reserve a spot where we're going, I can't back out But I guess since I moved from NJ, I was never one to care about making a lot of friends. I was fine with just Rob.

Past friends can dredge up bad memories, and you don't even realize it until you step back from it. If you don't want to meet her/anyone, don't do it. There might be undertones or intentions that are subtle and not so nice. Follow your instincts, if it's supposed to be for fun and you don't want to do it, don't!

My husband had dinner last night with a friend he knew for only a year, 30 years ago when they were 11, but they were best friends. He found out last night that they are still very much alike and had a wonderful time. Sometimes it's nice to have an old friend back in your life, but sometimes it really isn't.

You're freaking out because you are no longer the same person that you were when you were in high school. You've grown mentally, and your physical appearance has also changed. And you've grown older.

But remember......all the changes that you've gone through, they have too.

I recently went through the same thing last year. I decided to sign up for Facebook and managed to reconnect with my old friends from high school. Imagine my surprise when one of them told me that she was going to be in the city and wanted to meet up.

I agreed, but I had so many butterflies because I had been a fat kid and teenager and went on to lose 70 pounds in grade 12 and managed to get down to a size 10 dress for my 1980 graduation. Since then I've aged 30 years and have gained a considerable amount of weight, and feel "dumpy".

But my desire to see my friend over came those feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. And I went and met her. We had a great time!!! She looks older but essentially the same physically. But we picked up where we left off and we caught up on 30 years of living.

Go and meet your friend. Have a great time!

I'm the same way! I don't know why either. I end up enjoying myself if I go and meet up with people, but the problem is getting myself to go..I find excuses not to go and in the end even the fact that I could enjoy the day at home is a good enough excuse for me not to go..
And the other day when my boyfriend and I had a bit of an argument, I realized I need friends too....
I blame the internet
I think it provides a lazy way to fulfill the need to be social, there is TCS, facebook, twitter, youtube, and even all the newspaper columns and articles have a place where you can comment and enter in a conversation with someone... all of this makes people realize it's too much effort to actually go out and be with people when I could just talk to them through online social media ..If that wasn't available I'd probably make the effort to find people to talk to, since I would have no other way of communicating with anyone. And not talking to anyone is no fun at all, at least for me, which is why I don't think I have that loner personality.

For whatever reason I've never had much interest in reunions. Not a problem if I accidentally meet someone from the past; I just don't seek out such opportunities. If a relationship was based on some circumstance (neighborhood, school, work, etc.) and that circumstance changes, I've always been fine with letting the relationship go dormant.

Originally Posted by farleyv

If these people were truly important to you, you would see them.

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I have to disagree with this one, I have several important, dear friends who I don't see more than few times a year, they don't even live too far.. It's just.. something which leads to my 'secret' (well, secret to internet people but not to my IRL friends) : I hate children.. Yes, i'm a horrible person. But really, I could almost say I'm afraid of them, like someone is afraid of cats or dogs. I feel very uncomfortable when kids are around. I've been like this even when I was kid myself. It feels like I'm sitting in a room with a rabid monkey, I don't want them near me or touch anything. My closest female friends have almost all just had kids (these friends are aged between 24-30), they know how I feel about kids, so they don't come to visit me, and I very rarely visit them. I can't ask them if they could put their child in another room while I visit like some people do when they visit someone who has a pet they're afraid of. We do meet sometimes for example to celebrate birthdays etc. and more often connect in the MSN or facebook. I should propably talk to a shrink about this 'fobia'..
The only kid I have to tolerate is my sister's daughter, they live almost next door to me. She wants to see my cats and my sister would kill me if I'd refuse..(Yes, she's my big sister and I'm more afraid of her than the kid. )

I have made an effort to go out more lately. I do have atleast few good friends who don't have human kids, so we go out several times a month if I'm not too sick.. Or I'll visit them etc.

You need to go see your friends! I HATE not seeing people! I'm a social person. I love going out with people, meeting up with them somewhere, hanging out, even if its just mundane tasks!
While its great that you and your DH have a close relationship and do things together often, its not a bad thing to get together with others! Both you and your friends have grown up! I'm sure the important things in your life have changed dramatically, but you may have the same things being important now and it may be great for you to get out and have some fun and relive some old memories! If its going bad, you can always excuse yourself to an appointment or something and say you will chat online whenever possible!

Go have fun!

Originally Posted by NorthernGlow

I have to disagree with this one, I have several important, dear friends who I don't see more than few times a year, they don't even live too far.. It's just.. something which leads to my 'secret' (well, secret to internet people but not to my IRL friends) : I hate children..

Yes, i'm a horrible person. But really, I could almost say I'm afraid of them, like someone is afraid of cats or dogs. I feel very uncomfortable when kids are around. I've been like this even when I was kid myself. It feels like I'm sitting in a room with a rabid monkey, I don't want them near me or touch anything. My closest female friends have almost all just had kids (these friends are aged between 24-30), they know how I feel about kids, so they don't come to visit me, and I very rarely visit them. I can't ask them if they could put their child in another room while I visit like some people do when they visit someone who has a pet they're afraid of. We do meet sometimes for example to celebrate birthdays etc. and more often connect in the MSN or facebook. I should propably talk to a shrink about this 'fobia'..

The only kid I have to tolerate is my sister's daughter, they live almost next door to me. She wants to see my cats and my sister would kill me if I'd refuse..(Yes, she's my big sister and I'm more afraid of her than the kid.

)

I have made an effort to go out more lately. I do have atleast few good friends who don't have human kids, so we go out several times a month if I'm not too sick.. Or I'll visit them etc.

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I have a similar anxiety. I know this may make me sound like a horrific person, as well, but I'm terrified of human babies. Once they're old enough to actually listen to you, I'm okay with them.. to a point. I mean, like 3 and up, it's usually okay. But like babies? I don't know what to do with them, I'm afraid I'll break them, I don't think they're cute, they slobber everywhere, they smell, they don't really do anything... And as for kids, I was never comfortable around other kids when I was growing up. I'm really good with them, I just never fully feel comfortable and at ease.

But cats.. oh I've always had a place and a yearning for cats. Always.

And as for social issues, I don't have any friends, really. I have people I maybe once or twice a year do something with, but that's about it. And I'm not overwhelmed with the need to spend more time with them. I'm married, I spend time with my mom, and my brother, and I'm fine. I interact with the people at work, if they need my advice, I'll talk to them on the phone, there's one friend I'll help her with animal stuff, but really, I have no burning desire to go out and do stuff. I get all the socialization I really need at work. If someone really wants to be my friend, they can make an effort to do something with me. Something I want to do. Unfortunately either people are so wrapped up with a.) kids or b.) the bar, that I don't spend time with them. I don't like the bar scene, and I never know how to be around kids unless I'm one on one with them. Then it's okay. But when their parents are around, they're testing limits, or I'm not sure I'm following the parent rules, etc.,. But I am content.

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up and I passed the deadline to send the money in. The $25 I can spend on something else, like medicine, or food, or gas money. But there's a picnic the next day for free as part of the reunion. Perhaps I'll go to there. The $25 is for a party at one of the local bars. Again, not my scene. And do I really want to see a bunch of people I never really was close to get sloppy drunk and talk to them, and be the chaperone and the designated driver? Not so much. Doesn't really sound like fun.

I'm the same way with deadlines. The longer I have to wait to prepare for something, the more excuses I have to not doing it. Because if I go to engagements, odds are 99% of the time, I end up really disappointed/bored/miffed/depressed/insecure. But if it's like, let's say, someone calls me up out of the blue, and says they're in town for like today, and do I want to go to the movie with them? Yeah, I'll probably go.

Is that weird?

Lack of experiance with social interaction can cause a vicious cycle of even less social interaction. You enjoy talking to them. It will be a new experiance doing it face to face but it is not much different. Just relax and remember it is a two way street, you are not responsible for keeping the conversation moving or being entertaining. Just be yourself and relax. You'll be suprised at how things will work out on their own. If you enjoy talking online you'll enjoy it in person even more. We are meant to interact with other humans on a physical level. Looking into someones eyes when you talk to them is very fulfilling. Even getting a hug from your friend and seeing her smile at you....nothing you get online can beat that!

I am speaking from experiance. I will never be a highly sociable person. I like my alone time. But I also know from experiance that what I do get from others when I interact with them in person is something that makes me feel human and alive. I haven't found that anywhere else. Family is a big part of that, as well as workmates but nothing can compare with the way you feel from realizing that there are other people out there that can "get" you and enjoy your company for just that reason, not because they are family or work with you.

I think you should go and enjoy your friends company. but don't feel bad for feeling how you feel. Alot of us feel the same.

Okay, here is my two cents worth: what a cool hubby you have that he actually encourages you to go out with friends! Mine always seemed to take it personally, especially when our kids were small.

So... did you go?

I would say go and do it but then again Im like you...Its kind of a barrier between you and people you talk to all the time on the internet. I would worry about meeting up with them too because I have a horrible case of nerves and freak out about it.

I just reconnected with a friend that I havent spoken to in months because of family issues. I thought she wasnt talking to me because she had to not talk to me because of her husbands mother (shes an evil vile human being) and she thought I was mad at her. We both wanted to talk but were waiting for the other person to make the move. How dumb was that, finally the guys got us face to face and both of them ratted us out to each other about how bummed and upset we were about not talking to each other. So now her and I made a plan, once a week me, her and the baby are getting together for lunch to gab and catch up and theres NO EXCUSE not to text each other. Shes the only person though that Bf encourages me to hang out with. He worries about other people especially ones he doesnt know because he doesnt want me to be influenced by bad people, I cant be mad at him for it because hes just looking out for me.

Id go and meet her....Push the nerves way down and go you never know if its going to be a good thing to see her again!

I am similar to you, but I know that it isn't healthy to be this way. Humans are social creatures (especially women).

I have been digging deep lately or trying to anyway. It's pretty sad but I would be content just snuggling with DH every day for the rest of my life and never seeing anyone else. This is so unhealthy, for me, for our marriage. So I am trying to be more social. I have friends, but I am always turning down chances to spend time with them for some reason.

DH wants to see his family and be active, so he is very good at encouraging me to be 'normal' and to make plans with other people.

Honestly, I think it's a bit of laziness too for me. Like why drive 10 miles to see someone when I can sit here and watch movies with DH?

BUT, when I do get out and do things that are uncharacteristic for me, I feel so great afterward and proud of myself.

One thing I am learning early in our marriage is that it is so important to have things that we can do seperately and things that we do together. The whole attached to eachother every minute thing is just not healthy (even though I prefer it that way )

Think about this, You will not regret spending time with people, but you may regret NOT spending time with them once your life is coming to a close.

Please go....and try to have a good time.

I'm like that, too, in a way. But you do need friends to talk to and just hang out with sometimes. It's good to be close to your DH, but sometimes, it's just nice to go to lunch with a good GF or go shopping or just sit and chat. Without the DH.

I don't have a lot of close friends; heck, I could probably count my closest friends on two hands and have fingers left over. And I cherish my close buddies, the ones I can talk to about anything and everything and not have them judge me, but accept me for who I am. Good, really good, friendships are hard to find.

I hope you decide to go. If you do and don't have a great time, at least you went. Hang in there.

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

You're freaking out because you are no longer the same person that you were when you were in high school. You've grown mentally, and your physical appearance has also changed. And you've grown older.

But remember......all the changes that you've gone through, they have too.

Click to expand...

I'm nervous as heck meeting up with past ppl, mine is majorly due to being a, well I wasn't very nice and had a heck of a childhood/teenagehood and took it out on others.....and secondary is the physical aspect...I'm different than I was, etc.

I have no probs meeting strangers, but always have anxiety when I run into ppl from my past...but I chose to meet in a public place, like for coffee or something...its a little more "secure" to me....and find once the initial OMGs n stuff are done, it is usually a good visit or the odd time the person has changed in a bad way and its a quick visit ending politely but you know you'll never see them again.

Bottom line Hope, what you are feeling is completely normal, and I bet the other person is feeling the same.