Something that bugs me! *Kinda Long*

3catsn1dog

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 11, 2009
Messages
2,987
Purraise
11
Location
Trapped in the catroom! ;o)
Sooooo Ive got an issue in my life thats bugging me and I cant really bounce the idea off BF because it ties into his own family issue that I already know how he feels about.

Basically the jist of the story is that I dont know who my biological father is. I finally (after 11 yrs) got the guts to ask my mom what his name is, where he is from etc. Well I googled him and if I got it correct he passed away a couple years ago. 2006 I believe. But when I told my mom about it she said that I have a half sister and I should try looking her up. She knows that this bugs me because the father I was raised with was a jerk and I mean a class A royal JERK to me. I really wanted to know my biological father or atleast try and make contact with him to get his side of what happened. All my mom told me was that she got pregnant (in the AF) told him, they were happy planning on moving in together the whole shebang, he went away on vacation back to his hometown, came back married to the other woman he had a kid with. Yada yada yada fast forward to now. The Martic Eric Carn I found that passed away had a brother whom I could probably contact thru his work email, basically I just want to ask him if his brother was in the Air Force stationed in North Dakota in 83 and 84. If he was then more than likely he is the Martin Carn that is my biological father. I would also like to look up his first wife, based on the obituary they seem to be estranged, his first daughter wasnt mentioned at all but his 14 yr old son was...His son would now be 18, and his first daughter would be about 28 or 29, she was three yrs older than me.

I do want to try and contact them, maybe try and find out more about what my biological dad was like, see a picture of him stuff like that. But Im really worried about the rejection. Obviously something bad happened between him and my mom and really I wouldnt put it past my mom to be the jerk and keep me away from him even though he wanted to be in my life. Its not that far fetched if you knew my mom. But at the same time what he if never wanted anything to do with me. Its not as if I can say lets get a DNA test done if it has passed away. But maybe going thru his brother would be a better bet to atleast start the root of my investigating. Geez I dont even know if google is the best option to start. I just googled his name, and his hometown in Alabama and an obituary came up and when I asked my mom and told her the age she said that its very likely that it was him the age was right.

I just dont know what I should do, should I let it go and keep going as I was or should I risk the rejection and try and find my half siblings and try and contact them. I would ask BF but he just says do what you want because his mom abandoned him and his brother and he refuses to have any contact with her at all because of what shes done and the fact that she took their half sister away knowing she was being abused. Its something that effects him all the time and even at his sisters wedding he was miserable because his mother was smack dab in front of our faces the whole time trying to corner him and his brother when neither of them want anything to do with her.



OPRAH.....MONTELL......MAURY....HELP ME! lol


I just needed to vent this all out and try and talk around it.....Maybe someone can give me some online searching help to even just try and find them...from there I guess I could decide what to do...I dont know but thanks for listening guys!!!!
 

ladyhitchhiker

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
Jun 9, 2010
Messages
434
Purraise
1
Location
UP MI
If it is important to you, I think you should try. Wish I had some better advice, but one does not want to live with regrets. Sending all the goodmind I can spare!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #3

3catsn1dog

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 11, 2009
Messages
2,987
Purraise
11
Location
Trapped in the catroom! ;o)
I guess Im going to keep trying. It is important to me to atleast try and find out about him. Im doing some searching now, but cant find much of anything its kind of irritating and feels quite like being defeated. Im going to try and email his brother and atleast find out if the Martin Carn I found was in the air force in ND in 83 and 84. Then I guess go from there. Who knows what will happen.
 

crazyforinfo

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
May 26, 2006
Messages
6,773
Purraise
4
Location
Philly
You could try. Just be accepting of what you discover & if they don't want to have contact.

I have a half sister and I don't want to meet her. I have been dreading the day she comes looking for me. Basically I don't want any part of my father's life and it would be too painful to meet her. Maybe when my father is gone but not now.

Just wanted to share that not all people want to be discovered.
 

lotso'cats

TCS Member
Alpha Cat
Joined
May 22, 2007
Messages
657
Purraise
10
Location
South TX
I just recently got in contact with my father and that side of the family. I thankfully have a great relationship with one of my cousins and with my father well he is who he is. He's a nice guy but at 69 and not dealing with his child for 35 years I'm sure it's quite an adjustment.


Try not to have many expectations (not easy to do though) and take it for whatever it is.

You might be surprised how much a like you are to them. I have not too much in common with my mom's family and was shocked at how much I was like my cousin and my father.


I pray things go well for you.
 

kailie

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jan 20, 2010
Messages
9,025
Purraise
25
Location
New Brunswick, Canada
Yes, going in with no expectations is very important.

I recently contacted my father on Facebook. He was never in my life, never acknowleged me, never had anything to do with me, but I was curious. He responded, quite curtly, but told me a bit a bout himself, etc. I told him I wasn't interested in excuses, I just wanted to know what he was like, what my half siblings were like. As soon as I started asking about them though, he stopped replying and I haven't heard from him since. No big loss, I did just fine thus far without him.


Good luck hun.
 

sk_pacer

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 27, 2009
Messages
2,458
Purraise
18
Location
The seat of a John Deere tractor
Try if you feel you must, but do be prepared for rejection - some people do not want to meet half-siblings from the past. I certainly have no interest in meeting my half-sister although a cousin has met her son. There is a tacit consensus between me and another family in town that we are related but we do not talk about it despite me and one of them being good friends. It is wise to look to your ancestry as certain cultures (mostly northern European) tend to be very closed mouthed about such things and they are never mentioned or acknowledged.
 

mbjerkness

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jun 18, 2007
Messages
7,583
Purraise
18
Location
In the middle of BC
If you want to then you should do it. Like the others have said don't have any expectations. My daughter is adopted. She just found her birth father. She has talked to him a few times on facebook. I told her the same thing. If you want to find him then do it. Who knows what will come of it, but now she has the chance to know him.
 

mystik spiral

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Jul 28, 2009
Messages
2,614
Purraise
31
Location
Denver, CO
FWIW, my mom was taken away from her parents by CPS for neglect and was adopted by my grandparents. While she never made contact with her birth parents, she did meet her sister several years back, and they are pretty close now.

Like others have said, if you want to do it, do it - just KNOW that there is always the possibility of rejection, but there is also the possibility that you will find new friends. At least you will know one way or the other. Good luck!
 

carolina

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
14,759
Purraise
215
Location
Corinth, TX
I have no experience with anything like that, but if I ever know that I have a 1/2 sibling, I would love love love to meet them... I would definitely do it.

By the way, yes, you can still do a DNA test, with you mom, and one of the siblings, or his brother, if you want, of course.

I am sure google is a way to go about, but you can also get people's public reports, that will show their addresses throughout their lives, jobs they held phone #s, etc. It doesn't cost that much either - here is the link
 

mrblanche

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Jan 28, 2008
Messages
12,578
Purraise
119
Location
Texas
I can completely sympathize with your situation. My father abandoned my mother before I was born, and I'm not even sure he knows anything about me.

The research I've done indicates that he may have died several years ago. I've never figured out if I should try contacting any remaining family. He'd be about 80 now, if he was still alive.

Ladies, this is why marriage was invented. Keep the horse before the cart; anything else can lead to a lifetime of heartache for a child.
 

-_aj_-

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Aug 24, 2008
Messages
10,487
Purraise
61
Location
North East England
im on the fence with this, blaines dad was married before his currant marriage and he had a daughter that the ex wife stopped him seeing all together, when said daughter was old enough she snubbed him then a year or two later she tried but Ken had, had enough and said no, so then she tried to get in touch with Blaine who of course asked me what to do after he had seen what she had done to his dad, i told him to go for it, and she screwed him around to and it did upset Blaine it upset him a lot

so as others have said be careful and dont get your hopes up

good luck
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #13

3catsn1dog

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 11, 2009
Messages
2,987
Purraise
11
Location
Trapped in the catroom! ;o)
Im not going to get my hopes up if I pursue this. What I think Im going to do is write his brother and just send him and his wife a letter. Honestly what Im expecting is that they know absolutely nothing about me. I did however plan it out in my head that Im going to flat out let them know I dont want anything from them except the chance to know who my biological father was, and what he was like. I am willing to accept the fact that because he passed away it may just be too difficult for them to deal with and they may not want to make contact with me. That Im ok with, its me not doing anything about it on my end that bugs me. There has been too much in my life that Ive let slide by without doing anything about and this is something I can atleast attempt to do.
I found his brothers work website, hes the VP of Architecture for Polyengineering in Dothan, AL...Which is pretty neat imo, also it seems as though his parents and basically his whole family is all in the same area, his parents are also still living but I think it would be gentler to make contact with the brother rather then the parents. Then if he chooses to reply he can take it from there with the parents etc. I really just hope that they will give me a chance to find out what my biological father was like, kind of like putting the puzzle pieces together that will explain why I am the way I am about things and why I just dont mix well with my family here. Im like oil and they are all water. Its kind of funny when I think about it because Ive been disecting all kinds of things about myself compared to my mom, brother sister stuff like that. Its just funny how now that I think about it how many differences there really are between them and me.
I guess now its just about getting the guts to write the letter and mail it to them. That I think is going to be the hardest part, but I think once its done no matter the outcome, atleast I tried and thats the best I can do if they arent open to this situation then thats fine. They just wont know what they are missing out on.
 

blueyedgirl5946

TCS Member
Veteran
Joined
Sep 10, 2005
Messages
14,593
Purraise
1,695
I wish you well with this. I totally understand your wanting to know. Another issue that people don't always think about is that you may someday be in a position where you might need to know medical informaton about his family. I hope all goes well for you.
 

jcarn

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Feb 16, 2011
Messages
4
Purraise
0
Location
dothan, alabama
Well I don't know where to start, I don't even know your name but I can say that I am Marty's younger brother, the one at Polyengineering. I got a phone call the other day from Marty's wife in Mobile and she asked if I had ever been contacted by you and I said no. At first I couldn't even remember any of this but after talking a few minutes I remembered this and Marty did tell me about you, well at least that your mother was pregenant with you. Marty was stationed in North Dakota and he came home on leave. He had already gotten another young lady here pregenant and because of our parents he married the lady here and that was the last time he ever spoke of it to me. Marty and I were very close growing up, we are only 19 months apart in age and we are a good bit younger than our other brother and 2 sisters (there are 5 of us) but by this time we had a strained relationship because of his drinking. Marty was a painfully shy person and discovered alcohol at a young age and this caused him a lot of problems, me too later in life. See the alcohol at that time lifted that shyness and let him do things he normally couldn't do but then, like always, it made him do things he didn't want to do.
Don't be mislead by what you may think is a wonderful family we have here, it has been a difficult life because we come from a long line of alcoholics. I have been blessed for the last 6 years and not found a need to drink, Marty had to die to stop drinking. The last time we spoke he was crying on the phone because he had just lost everything, really.
So, the big question is what can I do for you? I know Marty would want me to reach out to you and tell you that things will be OK. I don't know anything about your life or what you are looking for but I can offer you a part in your real family at what ever level helps you if that is what you need.
You can find me and my family on facebook or you can email or call, whatever you think will help. You are not responsible for the mistakes your parents made as not much more than children themselves.
Look forward to hearing from you.
 

jcarn

TCS Member
Kitten
Joined
Feb 16, 2011
Messages
4
Purraise
0
Location
dothan, alabama
It is your real Uncle again. After finally reading all of the posted thread something so obvious finally hit me in the face. Your father loved cats and you have this post on a cat website! Marty had a very soft heart for animals, he probably would have been a great vet but he hated going to school more than he loved animals. Some other things about Marty, he really enjoyed reading science-fiction books, the Lord of the Rings books and an old book called Dune were his favorites. Marty also played the drums, actually all of the boys play drums. You have a cousin that has actually had a few albums released and he got started playing the drums too. Marty also introduced me to drafting in high school and that is how I ended up becoming an architect. Marty was not much of an outdoors person in the sense that he didn't hunt but we did camp and fish a lot as kids and he enjoyed that. Classic Rock, or southern rock to be more specific was the kind of music he enjoyed. Marty was very smart when he wanted to be but we basically raised each other and were never really pushed to do well in school. I would never have gone to college if I had not been invloved in a freak accident when I was 19.
When I have more time I will post more. Please call, write or email if you want, I will always be here to listen.
 

carolina

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
14,759
Purraise
215
Location
Corinth, TX
OMG!!! OMG!!!! I have the chills on my whole body! This is incredible!
Ohhhhh!!!! I am so happy you reached out to her!!! OMG OMG!!!!
Ok, not only I have the chills, but now I am crying too!!! Oh, this is fantastic!!!
 
  • Thread Starter Thread Starter
  • #18

3catsn1dog

TCS Member
Thread starter
Top Cat
Joined
Aug 11, 2009
Messages
2,987
Purraise
11
Location
Trapped in the catroom! ;o)
Carolina first off thank you for pming me. I'm in shock right now. Literally just shocked. Thank you hun you made my night!


I didn't contact anyone because I was scared. I didn't want to put myself out there for rejection. This is just overwhelming for me right now and I'm on my cell phone but I want to acknowledge your response and thank you for reaching out to me in such a public way. Not many people would have done that. I will be back online tomorrow morning and will def be able to form a better reply and send you a private message.


I'm in a state of wow right now! Literally speechless....I think the fiance is pleased lol. I'm going to absorb all of this right now.

Oh my name is Tyler. Odd choice for a girls name eh lol
 

carolina

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Nov 17, 2008
Messages
14,759
Purraise
215
Location
Corinth, TX
Oh my God hun... I am sooooo happy for you! And he seems so nice too! I am so excited that you finally are going to meet your dad's side of the family.... and to top it off.... your dad was a cat lover!

It sounds like you both have tons to talk about, that he has great memories to share with you, and you have a great family to get to meet too! I am so so happy for you

This is by far the most amazing, incredible, heartwarming thing I have ever seen happening at TCS... I am sure your dad had a little hand over it from the bridge

 

my4llma

TCS Member
Top Cat
Joined
Oct 23, 2010
Messages
9,556
Purraise
247
That's great that you did contact him, and that he replied to you! I'm happy for you
 
Top