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Please I Need Your Help....

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 
Sorry this isn't cat realated at all.

My daughter came to my job to day and once again her significate other has abused her this time resulting in four staples in the back of her head. I am so heart sick about this.

This stuff has been going on for 5 years and it is getting much worse. He has thrown her down while holding her 16 month old son in her arms. This happened about a month ago. I got her out of there and into a safe house where he couldn't find her and the children. Within 3 days she went right back to him.

She is now in the process of trying to find a place to live that she can afford. I am looking in the papers and calling different places but everthing is so expensive. I have offerd that she and the children come and stay with us until she can find a place of her own but she said that she doesn't want to do that What can I do to help her? Please I am BEGGING can anyone give me a suggestion? I really don't know what to do now.
post #2 of 20
I'm so sorry about your daughter! It seems that people always go back to their abusers for some reason. Maybe if she's open to it, counselling to help her see that this man is not right for her and help her get out. There are a few sites out there in cyberland that may help her. I'll see if I can find a few. Good Luck!!!
post #3 of 20
Please please please help her. My friend Teresa was murdered by her boyfriend - he had been beating her the whole time they were together - she died last April with a stab wound to her chest.
Please tell her to leave him. He will continue to hurt her and I would hate to see you come here with even worse news.
post #4 of 20
I really think you need to convience your daughter that she needs to go back into a women's shelter ASAP, and that she needs to stay there for more than three days this time. She needs to stand up for herself and press charges against her s/o, and the people at the shelter can help her with this. She also needs some counceling(sp?) so she will realize that she is a worthwhile person who does not have to put up with any type of abuse from anyone.

You could also try calling a crisis hot-line in your area for some advice.

Good luck!
post #5 of 20
I am assuming that you are in Georgia.
I did a search and came up with this, maybe they can help. If your daughter does not work, then I am sure she will get some assistance.

Help for Battered Women
post #6 of 20

Lorie said my exact thoughts. Is there a good women's shelter in your area? Your daughter should not stop now because of money or worry of the cost of renting. God bless the both of you, and I hope you find something.
post #7 of 20
I agree with the others. Get her to a shelter. They have programs to assist with housing, food, medicine, jobs & counseling. I hope to God she doesn't go back to him this time. Might be a good idea for you to talk to someone at a crisis center or shelter yourself. They can help you to do the right things to help her. Keep us posted.
post #8 of 20
She needs to press Charges!!! When it is domestic violence the police are required to intervene. She could lose her child if she continues to go back to this person. She is trying to show him how much she loves him and he is showing her he thinks she is nothing. He thinks she likes it and will never stop unless she forces the issue with police back up.
post #9 of 20
Is there anyway you could take her and her son in? Even if it's temporary, it could help her rebuild her strength to end that relationship. If you do decided to take her in, make sure you get a restraining order put on him. That way he legally can't come near you, the child or your daughter.

I'm really sorry that you and your daughter & grandson are going through this. I suggest major couseling for your daughter. She needs to find out that she deserves more than that scumbag. It is strange how abused women keeping coming back to their abuser. It's like they don't think they can handle being alone and that they think they can change him into the man he once was. It's just so sad!
Cathi, please know that you, your daughter and grandson are in my thoughts and my prayers. Please let them know that we all are thinking about them and prayers are being sent there way.
post #10 of 20
Thread Starter 
I have offered her numerous times to come and live with us until she can get on her feet. She will come and stay for a night and then go right back to him. I don't understand this. I love her and want to help her as much as I can.

Thank you to all who have given me advice and the hotline numbers. I will print them out for her and give them to her in the morning. Please pray for her and my grandbabies.
post #11 of 20
It's hard, they put the fear of God into you, and depending on how long you stay, they have an uncanny way of brainwashing you to the point that you can no longer think for yourself. It is a sort of magnetism coupled with fear, and I am sure he has whispered in her ear during intimate moments that if she ever leaves him, he will not only kill her, but you and the baby.

Until you have lived it, you cannot understand it. If you have the means you need to send her so far away he can't find her. There used to be a woman's underground railroad where other women would take battered woman and ferret them from home to home until they were safely away from their abuser. I fear for your daughter, and I fear for you. Once she vanishes, the first place he will come looking is at your home.

Prayers are flying-
post #12 of 20
They can put you in touch with the people who work with battered women in your area. There are shelters for battered women in all communities in the USA, though in rural areas you might have to travel 30 miles or so to get to the closest one.

I do a lot of work with battered women, batterers, and with the local shelter. I can guarantee you 100% that things will NOT get better as long as she stays with this man. I can also guarantee you that he WILL hurt the baby at some point. She needs to escape her batterer right away, if not for her own sake, for the survival of her child.

Also, if she has pets, please rescue them at the same time that she leaves. Batterers typically torture/kill the woman's pets in order to manipulate the woman into returning. If you can get her pets it will make it easier for her to leave.

Please do call the hotline. They are wonderful and caring people who can tell you everything you need to know to help your daughter be safe.

Also, please do everything you can to help her escape. Her life and the life of her child is at risk.

Please PM me if you would like.
post #13 of 20
Hissy is absolutely right, unless you have lived it, you don't really understand how this can happen over and over again. I got away the first time when he was killed in a motorcycle accident, then went right out and found one even worse. I almost didn't get out that time, and the price I paid was losing my daughter to my parents when I no longer had the strength to fight them on it, and just signed what they put in front of me. I also have a scar that runs down the side of my mouth to my chin, that I have to look at every time I look in the mirror. It takes a lot of strength and determination, that she probably does not have right now, so the people that care about her will have to give it to her. It is possible to break the cycle that you get in to. I have a wonderful, loving man that I have spent 18 years with. Please, please do whatever you have to do to get her out of this situation. It may come to getting Child Protective Services involved to keep the child safe. A mother will go after her child before anything else. It may even have to come to you finding a way to remove the child to your custody temporarily. This situation almost never gets better, and often ends in tragedy. I went through this in Georgia, but this was many years ago, and there is better help there now. We are all praying for you and your family. I hope it works out for you.
post #14 of 20
For the sake of not only herself but her children, she needs to get out of that situation and to stay out. I don't know if she is seeing what this kind of abuse does to the children. If they are boys, they learn that abuse is the way to treat women when they grow up, if they are girls, they learn that it's OK to be abused. I have never understood, why anyone would continue to go back to an abuser, but then, maybe I don't understand that kind of love.

In my opinion she needs to be told that she is damaging her children by staying in that situation. They are innocent and have no rights what so ever. Please try to explain to her what this is doing to her babies. The kind of damages they are recieving will have an affect on their entire lives. If nothing else, those babies deserve a chance at life.
post #15 of 20
i had a friend of mine that was in a relationship like that and she would put up with it and then leave then right back thinking he would change, but he didnt, but what did, he started on their child, thats when she finally got out, and he got in jail. she now is doing fine and living on her own with her boy. so if there is children involved she really needs to think about what he might do to them. i hope this works out okay and that she and the kids are safe. good luck.
post #16 of 20
Thread Starter 
Just an update. Things are the same. My daughter still doesn't want to come and stay with us until we can find her a house of her own. Her excuse is that we are still newlyweds(8 months the 19th). I seriously doubt that is the reason.

I printed out phone numbers that lotsocats and Kiwideous posted for me and gave them to her. I just hope she will us them. I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall. Thanks for all of the advice I will keep at her until I can talk some sense into her.
post #17 of 20
I hate to sound so sneaky... But maybe you could bluff your daughter into at least moving in with you. You could say, that if she doesn't you'll report her to the authorities and then maybe she'll worry about loosing her child and at least move in with you... Then maybe she can get like a restraining order against him. Or you can because if he does come round and anything does happen he'll be tresspassing on your property...

But STAPLES!!!! geeze.... how do you forgive that?

I dunno ... i know what it's like to keep going back to really rotten relationship {although in my case no abuse was involved}, i know what it's like to keep going back... again and again....

I just worry about the kid.
Hope things get better.

You know, if she won't go to a women's shelter, maybe you can go and ask them how best to deal with the situation? they would know...
post #18 of 20
She is welcome to email me if she likes if she has access. Perhaps hearing from someone who understands might give her the strength to walk away, or have her email lotsocats who would be a great source of help in this situation
post #19 of 20
Hey Blondiecat,
I think I can feel how your daughter feels. I've been thru a similar situation and every single time I go back to him. For one simple reason I guess, I still love him and that he is afterall the father of the child. It was tough really trying to leave him. I believe that your daughter feels insecure and not confident about living a life without him. I went thru that. I feel that no doubt there are many ways to help her, be it an organization or a restraining order, it all depends solely on her. At this point in time, being there for her I believe is the most important thing. Maybe she feels she has let you down, maybe she just do not wish to trouble you, I'm not sure. I snapped out of it after so many years of keeping quiet and after two complicated abortions that rendered me childless. It all depends on her now. Give her some time. Rent her an apartment near you so that if in any case she needs anybody, you can be there for her. Get somebody she trusts to listen to her without telling her what she needs to do. Just pure listening. i'm not sure if you agree with what I have said but this is what happened to me and I hope it will help her too. If I can climb out of that rut myself, I believe she can do it too. Have some faith in her, I'll be praying for her.
post #20 of 20
Originally posted by blondiecat
I have offered her numerous times to come and live with us until she can get on her feet. She will come and stay for a night and then go right back to him. I don't understand this. I love her and want to help her as much as I can.
I had a girlfriend who was in an abusive relationship before we met and began falling in love. Our relationship was her first "good" one and it made her feel like she didn't deserve it. There were extremely tough times as she continually let him manipulate her back into his life on a regular basis while we were trying to live ours. The end result was that I had to let her go and not let her back in my life anymore no matter how much she wanted. This was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I realized that I was only prolonging her pain by being involved, plus she was hurting me in the process. It just made her feel more guilty and lead her back to "him".

Anyway, what helped me understand why women do this and realize that I wasn't really helping were two books I read during the ordeal:

Women Who Love too Much by Robin Norwood


Ditch That Jerk by Pamela Jayne

Unfortunately, unless you witness the abuse and press charges, there's not much you can actively do for your daughter except let her know that you can offer her support when she's "ready". Even if that did happen, it would only be temporary and she would be angry at you, not him. There's hardly anything sadder than watching someone you love give away their life to an evil sociopath.

At one point, my girlfriend received "Women Who Love too Much" from someone at work and so I picked up a copy too. It will help you understand, but at times it was heartwrenching and even frustrating to be able to identify every hallmark of an abusive relationship that was prevalent in hers. When reading the first few pages, it tells you that if you're a woman in an abusive relationship who's reading the book and already thinking of someone who needs the book more than you, than you're not ready. My girlfriend read past that a bit, denied any of the signs that she did read about and then gave it to her best friend thinking she needed it more. I hope you're daughter gets out of this. If you read books like the ones I mentioned, it may help you be able to identify when she is "ready".
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