I think I married the wrong guy

Its just been so much confusion lately. I knew he didn't love cats but always said they were no issue...yeah except at moment I can't really work and he just goes off on everything spent on them(I do coupons, buy in bulk and stock pile black friday sales)
Submitted some applications for part time work(we are having many issues with our house/old contractor/the mortagage ppl need to come close it out then I wont worry about needing to be home) I have lymes and have lack of energy-or energy at wrong time-its 220 am now and im awake) Nothings come through so far-just simple jobs.

I just miss what we had and being held/feeling worth while. Its hard to live with someone and not feel like anything you do is valued...

Argh off to watch youtube and get mind off it....just maybe someone has been there done that can offer advice...btw we are 27

yes i have if u are a true cat lover and hes not a real animal lover then its impossible to work out they just dont see things eye to eye like do

I've never been where you are, but if i was i would be telling him their just like children who need fed, watered and cared for.

Were the cats with you before you moved in together?. If so he needs reminding they were there before he was.

I'm not sure I could be with someone who didn't love cats/animals as much as I do. DH is actually "worse" than I am with spoiling them, lol. I do know about not feeling valued or appreciated though and have to say that it will probably not ever be any better if he's treating you like that now. It might get better for stretches of time, but if that's his true personality, he'll inevitably revert back to it. You might see if he would be willing to go for counseling. And don't ever let him make you feel guilty for anything you do for your kitties.

I was there sweetie. We married at 22 years of age and although he never minded cats, I always got the feeling he resented me for them and the money spent on them. For many reasons, not just this one, we eventually seperated.

I'm 28 years old, almost 29. I met the love of my life at work 2 years ago. One of the very first questions I asked was "Do you like cats?" and he said "Of course, I have one!". He moved in after a month and we've been blissfully in love ever since.

I'm involved in a LOT of rescue work with 2 different organizations, so aside from our 8 babies, we have fosters coming in and out of here constantly, plus we're always on the go with the rescue work itself, aside from both having fulltime jobs. We're ALWAYS busy, always on the go and never once has he complained, in fact, he is hugely involved. His reasoning? He says if it make ME happy, then it makes HIM happy.

Now all of that being said, I am not telling you that your marriage can't work, but he needs to be able to listen to your concerns and he needs to be able to do whatever it takes to make you happy, and vice versa! A relationship is give and take and communication is so key... I hope you can sit down, talk to him, voice your concerns and I really hope that a comprimise can be met. Thinking of you hun.

Thats funny. Our neighbor just told us yesterday his daughter is seeing a guy who can't stand animals. She absolutely adores them. "How did she ever hook up w someone like that I asked".

So I would ask you the same thing. It's too bad. My DH really wasn't fond of cats being from a farm, he never considered them anything but mouse catchers. Now, when I loose him at the store, I know I can find him in the pet toys, buying goofy toys that I know they won't like. But I don't say anything....he likes our gang now.

I hope you can work it out. It sounds like the issues are deeper than the cats. They usually are. When I married the first time, (not this marriage) I sold my horse. I should have ditched the guy and kept my horse.

to you. Maybe counseling?

I've never had this problem. I, as did Kailie asked Russ on our first date if he liked cats and he showed me a photo of his 3 cats. I knew this would work out. Try your best to change his ways which is not an easy thing to do. Otherwise you will need to make a serious decision.

Wow that's a tough situation...
One of the first things my SO learned about me was that I love cats, and the way he learned this was by introducing me to his two cats...
I didn't have a cat at the time...But he completely understands that if I had to I would put Jake's needs before my own and is okay with that.

However, I don't think that a guy needs to like cats in order for me to be in a relationship with him. Even if a guy doesn't like cats, if he loved me for who I am he would accept the cats that come with me. I think the way to handle this is similar to if you had children from a previous marriage, in order to be with you, even if he doesn't like them, he HAS to accept them and be there for them because YOU love them. If he loves you, he has to understand the fact that you love cats and appreciate you for who you are. If he doesn't want to support your cats, he is indirectly disrespecting you, IMO.

Some people change.

Before you were married, he "tolerated" them because he had to in order to "keep you".

Now that you are married, he has you, so he doesn't have to keep up the ruse.

Did you live together before you were married? Were you working at one time and supporting your pets care on your own? Or were you always dependent on him to support you and your cats?

To me it sounds like a larger issue than just the cats. Sounds like he is using that as an excuse for some larger problem.

Maybe he is having trouble at work. Maybe he isn't as secure financially as he would like to be and sees you spending money on something he doesn't really like very much (cats), and feels that money could be spent on more important things such as a roof over your heads or food on the table.

Also, at 27, it's unlikely that he envisioned having to support his wife and likely feels that you should be contributing to the household income too.

I do sympathize with your illness and not being able to work, but maybe he feels like you just don't want to work and want him to support you.

My advice is to sit down and have a long heart to heart about what the real matter is. You both need to be brutally honest with one another about what your dreams and goals and expectations of your relationship is. He is likely feeling that he may have married the wrong girl, just like you are feeling like you married the wrong guy. If that is the case, there are 2 ways to fix it. You both decide that you love each other and went into the relationship with wrong expectations. Or you decide to cut your losses and move on to other people who you feel are more compatible with your life goals.

Good luck.

My advice is to take a job, even if it's not one you want forever, and start saving about 10% (more if you can) in a savings in your name only. You will need some cash if things don't work out in your marriage, or if money gets very tight you can use "your" money to take care of the kitties. Call it the kitty fund, call it a savings account, a retirement fund, or whatever your husband will think is a good idea. If he won't let you have a savings in your name only, then I would keep it secret 'cause you might be leaving at some point.

Keep in mind that many guys seem mad when they are worried about money. I'm not sure what you said about your house, if you are buying or selling, but either of those are stressful. Sounds like your husband has some misplaced anger over money issues (#1 cause of divorce), and is taking it out on what he thinks is unnecessary.

Maybe you've hit a low point in your marriage but that doesn't mean you won't be able to work things out, and that things will get better.

More advice : make sure you are giving your husband a lot of your attention, more than you give your cats. Then explain to him again how important the kitties are you to. Then start working a job and he will feel better, and so will you, hope it all works out.

Originally Posted by farleyv

It sounds like the issues are deeper than the cats. They usually are.

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Exactly. I don't think the cats are really the problem here at all, lots of people aren't cat/dog lovers but will put up with it for their SO and make a relationship work. It sounds like the real issue here is strictly finances. He's working, you're not, thus there's some resentment and he's taking it out by nit picking everything (guys do this sort of this). There's probably some resentment over you chronic health issues, that tends to be a common cause of strain on marriages when one is sick - part of it being the other spouse feeling a bit helpless that they can't fix things.

I had the latter problem myself. Unfortunately my DH's back is now bad, too. He's gained perspective, is more supportive, and learned to chill out.

My husband and I have been married 23 years now. His daughter came to visit during the second year of our marriage. It happened to be during Kitten Season and Mike had his lapful of bottle babies and we were both bottle feeding. Donna came flying down the stairs, stopped midstride when she saw her dad with a bundle of kittens. She said "But Daddy, you HATE cats!" I looked up surprised as it was news to me- he had never even complained once I started bringing in babies. Mike looked over at me, smiled and told his daughter "Yes, I did, but I love Mary Anne."

My point being that if he loves you, if you are meant to be together for the rest of your lives come what may, there has to be bends in the relationship. Allowances for what each other likes, dislikes etc... If you don't have that- then you need to re-evaluate what you do have.

I haven't been there, but I do think the problem is the stress, not the cats. I'm sorry about the lyme disease - the lack of energy can really be a problem. Do what you can to try to work part time - if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.

In the meantime, you need to sit down, and tell him how you feel. Tell him you understand it's a really stressful time, and you both need to acknowledge that and figure out how to work through it with love and respect.

I had to marry the wrong man before I learned enough about myself and relationships to marry the right one.

I hope you're able to work it out, but you have to love, value and respect yourself before anyone else will, please remember that.

I agree to sit down and talk to him. I doubt the cats are the main problem as well.

You said you tend to have energy at the wrong times so why not look for something like a night shift at a hotel or something like that? I know finding a job can be hard, I'm in the middle of it. And yes I want something 9-5 with weekends off, but I'm looking at other options to at least have a paycheck coming in until something much better comes up!

don´t give up!...
Great advices of everyone!.. ..

WOW!!! I just got in from seeing stepdad.
THANKS SO MUCH!!!!
I know the major issue hes said and I can understand to a point is he had to tell his parents who had already arranged him to be married...that turned into a nightmare.
I was supportive in beggining(been going on more then a year as he hid dating for the first....14 months they knew he was out late but in thier culture they have a standard of as long as in end the kid follows wishes and gets married alls ok.)
But after seeing stunts of moms dying you must come home and dump "her" I started hating them too. I felt like I wasn''t important enough to be fought for...if that makes sense.
I know I can be a hard person to live with far as when I am depressed I get easily ticked. I was working ft-never lived on own but made enough I could have. We rented an apartment and I lived there alone fromOctober 08 to june 09. We were pretty well then. He moved in in june...sept and october i got much worse(think the stress of all started to hit and thats whe i was sleeping ALOT)
He signed contract on house in october 09 and thats when all went south. House had issues known we were fixing then others came up-no heat no water power....
I have been looking and might have a job offer as they are looking for animal day care help and need a few ppl. Its quite close by.

One issue for sure is his sutdent loans(he had alot then took out another 10 k he thought he was getting paid back by employer but hes bad with documents and didnt send something in on time so they refused. He wants a brand new mustang and I hear quite often cats are my mustang...
I feel cats are cheaper then kids and yes they cost but I get tired of his theres cat hair all over-I put cats away long before he comes home and clean(sheets on furniture, vac floor. I try not to tell him oh this cat did this isnt that cute...or poor gabby....
I have no connection. I want to go walk or what not and he tells me all i want is to spend money(well yeah bills need paying and have to get groceries. I am not a girly girl, no clothes,haircuts, vacations....

Sorry to say, but after reading that last post of yours, I must agree with you.... you did marry the wrong man.

Sounds to me like you walk on egg shells to keep him happy. When you love someone and they love you, you shouldn't have to do that.

My new advice is to sit down, clear the air, be open and honest and tell him in the end that it's just not working out and you can't live the way you are for the rest of your life, with a partner who doesn't respect you and makes you feel like you have to be secretive and walking on tippy toes around him. Then cut your losses and move out...back home, in with a friend.

Originally Posted by catsallaround

WOW!!! I just got in from seeing stepdad.
THANKS SO MUCH!!!!
I know the major issue hes said and I can understand to a point is he had to tell his parents who had already arranged him to be married...that turned into a nightmare.
I was supportive in beggining(been going on more then a year as he hid dating for the first....14 months they knew he was out late but in thier culture they have a standard of as long as in end the kid follows wishes and gets married alls ok.)
But after seeing stunts of moms dying you must come home and dump "her" I started hating them too. I felt like I wasn''t important enough to be fought for...if that makes sense.
I know I can be a hard person to live with far as when I am depressed I get easily ticked. I was working ft-never lived on own but made enough I could have. We rented an apartment and I lived there alone fromOctober 08 to june 09. We were pretty well then. He moved in in june...sept and october i got much worse(think the stress of all started to hit and thats whe i was sleeping ALOT)
He signed contract on house in october 09 and thats when all went south. House had issues known we were fixing then others came up-no heat no water power....
I have been looking and might have a job offer as they are looking for animal day care help and need a few ppl. Its quite close by.

One issue for sure is his sutdent loans(he had alot then took out another 10 k he thought he was getting paid back by employer but hes bad with documents and didnt send something in on time so they refused. He wants a brand new mustang and I hear quite often cats are my mustang...
I feel cats are cheaper then kids and yes they cost but I get tired of his theres cat hair all over-I put cats away long before he comes home and clean(sheets on furniture, vac floor. I try not to tell him oh this cat did this isnt that cute...or poor gabby....
I have no connection. I want to go walk or what not and he tells me all i want is to spend money(well yeah bills need paying and have to get groceries. I am not a girly girl, no clothes,haircuts, vacations....

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My husband and I have been together almost 8 years and married for almost 5. There is no question in my mind that he loves cats, but he does not love them as much as I do. In his words, "I could live without them." I couldn't. But somehow, so far, other than some glitches we have made it work. I think a lot of it has to be with grief, and how he doesn't want to let down that barrier with something he knows will live a shorter lifespan than a human. After losing his father and his daughter both within 4 months of each other, he just hasn't recovered well. I know he loves our kitties now, but there were times when he was very jealous of Linus because he thought Linus got more attention than him. I think my husband's got to the point though that he may not understand my complete admiration for cats, but he has learned that it is a part - the caretaking part of me - that he loves. He just wishes sometimes it was more on him, but I figure whoever needs the most love shall receive it. When Linus was sick, he got it. When my husband needed surgeries, he got it. When one of the cats comes screaming into the bed because they need mommy and daddy for whatever reason, they get it.

Oh and btw, we call them the kids. *HE* started that, so that must mean something.

But yes, there are times when I wonder if I married the wrong man because of our arguments on the issue. I love him, don't get me wrong. I'm in love with him still, most of the time (hee hee) but I tell people sometimes, "Well if anything happened to my husband and I ever were to get married again, they're loving cats as much as I do, and there's not going to be a doubt about that."

Maybe you can just tell him, "look they may not be important to you, but they are important to ME. And because you love me, what's important to ME you should at least try at caring about too, because I can't change who or what I care about, and that's part of why you fell in love with me, right? And even if you don't give two figs, *I* care about it, so it should matter to you, even if just to keep me happy!"

My husband can be rather controlling at times. he thinks he knows better because he's 10 years older than me, so there has been a lot of training on communication issues, but I figure I'll let him think he wears the big-boy pants most of the time and act like he's in charge. When it's something important though, I'll put my foot down, and eventually he will realize I'm not going to change my mind. I love he loves me and cares deeply about me, he just has issues because of the bad stuff that happens in life and hasn't surrendered to the fact that stuff happens and you can't control everything yet. I'm working slowly on that. He's come a LONG way.

There are many different dynamics in many different relationships. The most important thing is learning how to communicate and the willingness to care about the other person. If he doesn't have either of those, than maybe it is the wrong match but who am I to say? Doesn't mean that might not change as well!

Stress brings out the worst in us, and I find men handle it in COMPLETELY different ways than women. Good luck. I'm here for ya!

Seems to me that pets (or even kids, for that matter), are one of those issues where you have to raise the bar really high for your mate. In other words, having them "tolerate" your pets/kids isn't going to be enough, because they're only going to tolerate them as long as they're not a nuisance, or until they start taking attention away from THEM. I forget who it was on this board that threw a quote out about not marrying a man that doesn't love cats...cats being such an iconic representation for freedom and independence - traits that many men don't respect like they should.

Eh, enough preaching. Get a divorce.

Trying to fiigure out what I can do to get out at this point. Need to get something ft. Looking at friends area as its mobile homes low rent and guy dont care about pets as long as moneys put in on time. I feel so low right now.
Honestly I just thought he didnt want to be responsible as thats what he basically told me. far as litter feeding attention... ARGH I think the lose of family got to be to much. its sad cause now they will still not have him back and alls gone. hes already said he wont go back.

I am going to get things better in order. and take it from there. Thanks