This has been bothering me for a solid month, and I can't seem to shake it off. Some of you may remember that my 20 y.o DD was dating, then engaged, to a young man who is an alcoholic. After 2 1/2 months, he called off the wedding---after another one of their fights. She told him to grow up, he told her he wasn't ready to, and that was it. Needless to say, there was much rejoicing in our family when DD wasn't around to hear it.
Within 24 hours of the breakup, she was out with another guy and has been seeing him for a month now.
During the 8 months she & the fiance were together, she put his entire family ahead of her own. She became inconsiderate and hurtful, even when her Dad and I made a conscious effort to be nice to the guy. On my birthday, while everyone else in the family was having cake at my Mom's house, DD was sitting for 2 hours at her future in-laws' house waiting for the fiance to get off work. The next day she and her attendants went on a day trip to look at gowns. I told her the MIL was going to invite herself along (I wasn't invited), but I wasn't quite right. The fiance, the FIL, and the MIL ALL went! You seriously can't imagine how upset I was.
DD lied constantly, which has always been an issue. She had her curfew shortened several times because of it, and always told the iinlaws she was in trouble for lying. The FIL, for some reason, talked her into lying about car repairs that didn't need to be done to a car that belongs to DH & me and had a non-working tail-light. When replacing the bulb didn't work, the FIL (who happens to work at a car dealership) told DD he'd get the wiring replaced for us at a discount (on a 15 year old car, mind you). But, he said, don't tell your folks about it yet. When I found out the car was in the shop, and what was planned for it, and that DD had lied to me about getting a loaner car when it was really the FIL's car---I was livid! I told her to get the car back within the hour or I'd report it stolen. When she informed the FIL of my demand, the dealership replaced a fuse at no charge and the problem was fixed.
What this is all leading up to is this: DD hurt my feelings in more ways than I thought was possible, putting the 'new family' first in every instance. When the breakup came and she was out with a new guy within 24 hours I was stunned. She had put us thru so much, and it didn't even matter. I've tried to talk to her a couple of times about this--why I'm so angry at her that I don't even want to be around her right now--and she just looks at me. I tried my best to be nice to the fiance, even tho' I knew she was making the biggest mistake of her life, because I thought she loved him and I just had to accept it. To find out that all the grief, the sleepless nights, the hurt feelings were all for a guy she got over in a day was like being kicked in teeth.
I thought she and I had always had a good relationship, that she could talk to me about anything and I'd do my best to understand and help her. When I mentioned that to her one day she said, "Maybe you thought we had a good relationship, I never thought so." Honestly, how many ways are there to hurt your Mom?
How do I get over this? If a friend had treated me the way my daughter has, I don't think I'd ever talk to them again. I've talked it over with my husband, my Mom, my best friend---they're all sympathetic, but have no real advice as to how to get back a relationship I thought was close (but apparently was wrong about that).
Within 24 hours of the breakup, she was out with another guy and has been seeing him for a month now.
During the 8 months she & the fiance were together, she put his entire family ahead of her own. She became inconsiderate and hurtful, even when her Dad and I made a conscious effort to be nice to the guy. On my birthday, while everyone else in the family was having cake at my Mom's house, DD was sitting for 2 hours at her future in-laws' house waiting for the fiance to get off work. The next day she and her attendants went on a day trip to look at gowns. I told her the MIL was going to invite herself along (I wasn't invited), but I wasn't quite right. The fiance, the FIL, and the MIL ALL went! You seriously can't imagine how upset I was.
DD lied constantly, which has always been an issue. She had her curfew shortened several times because of it, and always told the iinlaws she was in trouble for lying. The FIL, for some reason, talked her into lying about car repairs that didn't need to be done to a car that belongs to DH & me and had a non-working tail-light. When replacing the bulb didn't work, the FIL (who happens to work at a car dealership) told DD he'd get the wiring replaced for us at a discount (on a 15 year old car, mind you). But, he said, don't tell your folks about it yet. When I found out the car was in the shop, and what was planned for it, and that DD had lied to me about getting a loaner car when it was really the FIL's car---I was livid! I told her to get the car back within the hour or I'd report it stolen. When she informed the FIL of my demand, the dealership replaced a fuse at no charge and the problem was fixed.
What this is all leading up to is this: DD hurt my feelings in more ways than I thought was possible, putting the 'new family' first in every instance. When the breakup came and she was out with a new guy within 24 hours I was stunned. She had put us thru so much, and it didn't even matter. I've tried to talk to her a couple of times about this--why I'm so angry at her that I don't even want to be around her right now--and she just looks at me. I tried my best to be nice to the fiance, even tho' I knew she was making the biggest mistake of her life, because I thought she loved him and I just had to accept it. To find out that all the grief, the sleepless nights, the hurt feelings were all for a guy she got over in a day was like being kicked in teeth.
I thought she and I had always had a good relationship, that she could talk to me about anything and I'd do my best to understand and help her. When I mentioned that to her one day she said, "Maybe you thought we had a good relationship, I never thought so." Honestly, how many ways are there to hurt your Mom?
How do I get over this? If a friend had treated me the way my daughter has, I don't think I'd ever talk to them again. I've talked it over with my husband, my Mom, my best friend---they're all sympathetic, but have no real advice as to how to get back a relationship I thought was close (but apparently was wrong about that).