Skittish Still at 10 Months

Our feral kitten Wendy is a beautiful 10-month-old now. She was born of a wild mother and trapped at about 8 weeks. When we adopted her, she was easily terrified and settled down in a crate for about a week. Then she started going psycho to get out and explore. We let her out too soon, and she learned to run and hide from us. And now she is still not fully socialized. Although she is making progress by the fraction of a millimeter every day.

I could use some tips and advice for getting her to be more relaxed around us. I realize she may never become a cuddly lap cat, like our other feral kitten. But I wish she'd stop regarding me as Evil Mommy. And learn to enjoy life more!

The Positives:

1. She loves our other three cats.
2. She has never scratched or bitten us, or hissed or growled when we hold her or give her medication
3. She sneaks up behind my desk chair and swats my backside when she's bored.
4. She plays with toys with us and takes treats from our hands.
5. She purrs when we pet her
6. When she's hiding under the bed, she purrs when I play with her feet, which are all I can reach.

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The Issues

1. She often takes off if we come too near, unless she's sleepy.
2. When we miss her and want to cuddle we sometimes have to track her slowly around and around the room until she flops over on one side and lets us pick her up and pet her. Then she curls up and purrs like a loud car engine until she's ready to leave.
3. Lots of cringing and flinching when we try to touch her.
4. She is skittish when we're in the kitchen feeding her, like we'll punish her for eating. For the record, none of our cats has ever been punished. When they are "bad," — like, spilling their whole water dish for the umpteenth time, I lecture them in my Maggie Smith voice!

I don't know what her life was like before we adopted her, but we wish she'd settle in and enjoy her very loving, gentle environment. We're beginning to think she's not clever enough to realize how good she has it. The other cats have us wrapped around their paws and it's hard to understand how she can watch them savor all the attention and not relate that to herself.

I avoid putting my open hand toward her when I try to pet her, and I avoid eye contact, and talk to her quietly. She'll settle down a few feet from us but doesn't like to come closer.

Any tips? Thanks for reading this long message!

Thanks for your thoughts and interesting story. Thing is, she won't ask for affection on her own terms but is often grateful for it at the random times we offer it. I know I can't expect to change her too much, but I have this feeling that she believes she's a second-class citizen around here, which gets in the way of her enjoying herself. She really likes being petted, for example. I walked over to where she was lying on the floor just now, and bent over and started petting her. She didn't cringe or try to run. She purred like mad and rolled onto her back until one of the other cats made a noise and she jumped away. I wish she felt free enough to ask for that when she's in the mood, instead of only when I decide to give her some affection. I also wish she'd be more relaxed about eating around us.

In other words, she's not a typical skittish cat, she seems betwixt and between, and I'd like to encourage her to ask for attention and be less fearful of us.

Thanks for your suggestions!

It's funny, I read other posts about how people have these wild, destructive kittens, and I look at mine, who lie around like lumps much of the time, and haven't been goofballs since they were about 6 months old. Very sedate, these two, although I try to play with them whenever they're remotely in the mood. I'm actually jealous of the people who have crazy kittens — that's what I signed on for when I got two. And instead I have Queen Elizabeth and Prince Philip.

stephanietx, I really appreciate your insights into how cats think, or don't think. I hadn't considered that at all. Wendy is the bottom cat, not that she seems to mind. I hope that doesn't mean she thinks she not entitled to climb all over us, as the others do!

I will continue to be her "Evil Mommy" and feed her treats, find all her missing toys, pet her, play with her and tell her how perfect she is a thousand times a day. Maybe someday she'll decide to relax. A couple of times she's started purring as I talked to her, which is a good sign, I guess.

So, do you have a secret camera in my house, or are you psychic? Yes, we gave her the run of our (small) apartment, and yes, she got lots of meds in our tiny kitchen. We had lots of illness around here last fall, as you may remember! Very interesting observation there, thanks!

I said I wanted a "project" when I adopted Wendy, because I was mourning a cat I'd nursed for a long time and needed someone to look after. I sure got a "project." I celebrate victories, like the time she squeaked back at me after I said hello to her. I think she's settling in, one molecule at a time. I just get impatient sometimes. I've started calling her "Snugglepuss" because I believe cats' names affect their character. I'll try ANYTHING!

It's 780 square feet. We keep 8 big storage tubs under our very high bed, or we would never be able to live here! We also have 200 feet of bookshelves, and lots of books on the floor! We need to move...

We should have kept Wendy in her crate for at least another week or two, but she was climbing the walls and yelling her head off, and she seemed so comfortable with us... oh, well. And then Possum arrived. He took one look at the crate and said, "You've got to be joking." He was a lap cat from Hour 1. I hoped he would calm Wendy; who knows, maybe he has.

I've been doing just what you advised this week; there are places where she feels "safe" — lying in front of the fireplace (who knows why) and on the bed, esp. if other cats are there. We are both petting her briefly several times a day there, and get lots of purring. I pick her up less but I often get about 3 feet from her and talk to her from there. And I think she likes that. We also play with ribbons. But my husband can't resist holding her. I let him do it provided she seems to be in the mood and not likely to run/hide or get all cringey. I'm going to start giving her treats when we pet her — this is a great idea, thanks! She already sits up and takes them from my hand.

I really shouldn't complain. She is gorgeous, sweet, smart, funny. She does seem to get a little less skittish every day, but it's about one molecule at a time! We both live for the day when she comes up to us for attention!