Friend's Wedding (long post)

fifi1puss

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I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how it feels. I feel really bad for your daughter...I hope she will be okay.

Sometimes people are not who you think they are....even after "knowing" them for many years. We all have different core values. Its times like this when you see someones true colors.
 

larussa

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Originally Posted by fifi1puss

I'm so sorry to hear that. I know how it feels. I feel really bad for your daughter...I hope she will be okay.

Sometimes people are not who you think they are....even after "knowing" them for many years. We all have different core values. Its times like this when you see someones true colors.
Wow you can say that again. You really never know anybody even when you think you do.
 

catlover19

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Sounds to me like it's a matter of cutting costs, not a liability issue at all. Kids add up to more meals required. That adds up to more money. People who attend weddings, tend to not give presentation on behalf of their children, so a couple with 3 kids in tow will likely give presentation for the 2 adults, while they consumed 5 plates.
Most of the time, kids are much cheaper to feed at weddings than adults. At my wedding, adults were $36 a plate, but kids were only $11.99 and they just got chicken fingers and fries.

I couldn't imagine not inviting kids. I don't think my wedding would have been the same without having the kids there. 2 of my top memories from mine include the flower girls and ring bearer.
 

rapunzel47

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It's all most unfortunate. As I read through it all again, and the latest from Ed, I can't help but think it all started with an edict from the bride, continued with more than one argument, possibly heated, and she got her way. At that point, he should simply have come clean and told you the score -- given how well he knows your family, he had to know it would be an issue. But looks like he simply buried his head in the sand and hoped it would not be, and now he needs to make it your problem rather than his. As I said, most unfortunate. Frankly I think it does not bode well for the marriage. I wonder how soon he'll be wanting your couch again.

I think you did the only thing you could do.
 

Ms. Freya

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Wow...I'm sorry this has happenned to you and your daughter.


I agree with Mystick Spiral that they're welcome to say 'no kids', but that he has no right to be upset that you won't attend in that case. How sad that he's chosen to do this to you.
 

ut0pia

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What a terrible situation for your family, I can imagine how hurtful it must be

If this was me, I probably would not be able to let this go with just a "not attending" RSVP, and I would be on the phone with this friend telling him how jerk-y he's acting and confronting him about it...though that is probably not very constructive..
I wonder how the other guests with children would feel, when they see the children of family there, and they couldn't bring their own kids..I bet they wouldn't like that either.
 

yam102284

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Originally Posted by catlover19

I couldn't imagine not inviting kids. I don't think my wedding would have been the same without having the kids there. 2 of my top memories from mine include the flower girls and ring bearer.


I'm getting married in 1 1/2 months, and I can't imagine not having the kids there. We're having a kid filled bridal party, complete with 2 jr. bridesmaids, 3 flower girls, and 1 ring bearer. All somehow related to either my FH or I. Yes, the kids may cry when I'm walking down the aisle, or one may get rowdy, but they are kids. I fully expect that, and obviously won't get mad. I love the kids in our wedding, and it wouldn't be our wedding if they all weren't in the wedding. We're also allowing our two friends with infants to bring them. It's an out of state wedding for most people, and I don't expect people to leave their infant children at home with a sitter. And I'm also having an open bar at our wedding, so our venue has no restrictions on alcohol and minors.

With that said, it sounds like your friend is having it pushed upon by his fiance. That is so unfortunate that he considers your daughter one of his own, but can't invite her to the wedding. Especially since his nieces and nephews are being invited? I can't believe that. I wouldn't be able to let this go either, but I guess that's just me. If he really truly cared about your friendship and your daughter, he would have originally invited her in first place.
 

-_aj_-

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I am so sorry that he is treating you and your family like this

we use a saying here, "hes under the thumb" - sounds like his wife to be has choose the guest list

i have to say i cant imagine a wedding without kids there either as guests are part of the wedding itself
 

threecatowner

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I'll be honest. When I was getting married nearly 20 years ago, we planned a reception with alcohol. I really didn't want small children there, but I didn't want to hurt feelings, either. I simply addressed the invitations to the adults, and didn't put kids names on.

Some folks brought kids; no one brought infants or babies. It worked out okay. I'm sorry this guy is being so insensitive about this thing.
 
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swampwitch

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All of you have given me things to think about, it is amazing how you can see things so clearly! Thank you.

This turn of events is particularly sad because our family has been grieving for about 8 months, and this wedding was a bright, happy event that we were looking forward to. Now it's associated with sadness.
Instead of the wedding, my daughter and I are going to visit my sister, who is battling a particularly aggressive type of cancer, and to help my mother probate my father's will. It will be good to see my sister and her family. Husband will be at home between business trips and will take care of the kitties.

I've been thinking back, and we have all been talking about things that have happened the last year with Ed, and they have been kind of weird - all since he met his future wife. I think "under her thumb" is a nice way of putting it. If he really wanted us to all come, he could have insisted on a less expensive venue, or menu, heck a BBQ in Calgary would be great!

Their home page on their wedding web site has three pictures: a large one (3x3") of the smiling bride-to-be, her engagement ring featured in the pic, standing by herself in front of a castle (where Ed proposed). The next picture is small, about 1x1" and is a close up of her engagement ring. The last picture is also small and the frame is shared by two little faces, one one side is a smiling bride-to-be with a wine glass, and on the other Ed with the wine glass in front of his face.
Not kidding, for real.
 

mystik spiral

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I sincerely hope things work out for Ed, but I gotta tell ya... my older brother's best friend's first wife (that's a mouthful!) insisted on the "perfect" wedding, right down to making her fiance take ballroom dancing lessons so their first dance would be "perfect". Needless to say, she was a HUGE B, and they got divorced after a couple of years.

Part of it is just me, and I am always amazed at how much people spend on weddings, and at the "bridezillas" who expect everything to be perfectly executed. But a wedding should be a celebration of love, including ALL the people who are important to both the bride and groom.

I'm sorry to hear about your sister. I lost my dad to cancer about a year and a half ago, I can feel your pain. I hope you have a fun trip!!
 

yayi

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Originally Posted by SwampWitch

All of you have given me things to think about, it is amazing how you can see things so clearly! Thank you.

This turn of events is particularly sad because our family has been grieving for about 8 months, and this wedding was a bright, happy event that we were looking forward to. Now it's associated with sadness.
Instead of the wedding, my daughter and I are going to visit my sister, who is battling a particularly aggressive type of cancer, and to help my mother probate my father's will. It will be good to see my sister and her family. Husband will be at home between business trips and will take care of the kitties.

I've been thinking back, and we have all been talking about things that have happened the last year with Ed, and they have been kind of weird - all since he met his future wife. I think "under her thumb" is a nice way of putting it. If he really wanted us to all come, he could have insisted on a less expensive venue, or menu, heck a BBQ in Calgary would be great!

Their home page on their wedding web site has three pictures: a large one (3x3") of the smiling bride-to-be, her engagement ring featured in the pic, standing by herself in front of a castle (where Ed proposed). The next picture is small, about 1x1" and is a close up of her engagement ring. The last picture is also small and the frame is shared by two little faces, one one side is a smiling bride-to-be with a wine glass, and on the other Ed with the wine glass in front of his face.
Not kidding, for real.
Sounds like you'll be "comforting" Ed again in the future! This marriage does not have a very bright future to me.
 

rapunzel47

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The person I think I feel saddest for is your daughter. It's never easy to learn that people we love can hurt us, but I guess we all have to learn it sometime.
to her.

Cat, have a good trip. Take lots of TCS to your sister.
 

dusty's mom

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Originally Posted by fisheater

A lot of couples do not want children at their weddings, myself included. No children will be allowed at my wedding next year either. Its not anything against kids or families with kids, my fiancee and I would just prefer an adults only atmosphere on our wedding day. Also a lot of venues that serve alcohol do not allow children in the building, no exceptions. So it could also be the choice of venue that doesn't allow the kids. Its their wedding, their decision. Its unfortunate that the wedding is so far away for you which makes it difficult to find care for your daughter.

He has a responsibility to his fiancee and you have a responsibility to your child. Unfortunately it seems that these responsibilities conflict, but I do not think he intentionally made this decision to hurt you or your daughter.

If I were you I would politely decline the invitation and explain to him your situation. Hopefully no one's feelings, yours or his, will get hurt. I wouldn't hold this against your friend of 20+ years and I hope he wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't show up to his wedding.
I sort of agree with this, but a 13 yo girl is not really a "child". I can certainly understand not wanting a bunch of crying infants, toddlers or squealy girls and boys racing around the tables at the reception, but I think children over the age of 10 can be, and usually are, well-behaved at this kind of function.

Sorry, didn't see the part about your family issues. My condolences about your dad, and hope your sister continues to fight. Considering the circumstances, this sounds like a better way to spend your time. I applaud your decision to stand with your daughter and not go to the wedding without her.
 

ldg

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Originally Posted by rapunzel47

The person I think I feel saddest for is your daughter. It's never easy to learn that people we love can hurt us, but I guess we all have to learn it sometime.
to her.

Cat, have a good trip. Take lots of TCS to your sister.


I'm sorry about how things worked out with Ed and the wedding, but I'm so glad you're going to be with your daughter WHILE visiting your sister and mom.
 

sarahp

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I'm sorry it's not working out for you. It sounds like the sort of relationship that wouldn't last anyway, not that it makes it any better... If his wife-to-be and him can't involve a 12 year old who is a big part of his life, then I wouldn't travel all that way either, especially if other kids are going.

At our wedding, we not only were happy to have kids, but we put the kids names on the invitations too, and multiple people commented that it was the first time the kids names had ever been included on a wedding invitation.

My nephew was the ringbearer, but refused to walk down the aisle with the flower girl (he was only 3), so he walked down the aisle with my mum, grandpa and I, and it was great
His pants were falling down, and had to be yanked up by my MIL once he got to the front which gave everyone a laugh. My cousins little girls danced up a storm the entire night, and everyone still remembers them and how much fun they had, and one of my others cousins son wanted to sit in my lap during speeches, and when he came up to me, he gazed up and said "wow, you look like a princess"
So many of my favourite memories from my wedding involve the little kids. I love kids and cannot understand not wanting them to be part of the celebrations. We had free alcohol, and the parents were entrusted with making sure their own kids didn't drink.
 

mbjerkness

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Originally Posted by rapunzel47

The person I think I feel saddest for is your daughter. It's never easy to learn that people we love can hurt us, but I guess we all have to learn it sometime.
to her.

Cat, have a good trip. Take lots of TCS to your sister.
I am pretty sure Ed will regret his decision to exclude your daughter
 

lisar

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Indeed this is most unfortunate for your friend Ed. I feel sad for your daughter and for Ed. This story does seem like a case of a "bridezilla"... which isn't a good thing by any means.

Have a safe trip and don't ponder about this too much. Your friend will come around in time, or in the end it doesn't matter. He and his future-wife choose to exclude YOU when they said no to your daughter. Nobody in their right mind would expect you to leave your daughter at home. Especially when other children will be there...
 

catfriend

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I also think you made the right decision. Perhaps the "new bride" is threatened by your long friendship with Ed. Like a selfish child with a new toy, she doesn't want to share.
 

rapunzel47

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Originally Posted by Catfriend

I also think you made the right decision. Perhaps the "new bride" is threatened by your long friendship with Ed. Like a selfish child with a new toy, she doesn't want to share.
Yes, that thought crossed my mind, too.
 
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