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do you believe

post #1 of 30
Thread Starter 
in divorce?
Just wondering how everyone feels about it...I mean, if you are verbally abused, mentally abused, and had been physically abused in the past, but not anymore, would you still leave your spouse?
With all of this happening, I think I would just fall out of love with the person, and want to leave from all of the abuse I had been recieving from him...counseling doesn't work, at all......ok..I am not getting into it but I just wondering how everyone felt about it.
post #2 of 30
Well, if I was abused in any way at any time, I would have left when it was happening - no going back.

I do think that divorce in overused in our society, like marriage is as disposable as everything else, and that's a real shame. However, there are good reasons for divorce and abuse is most definitely one of them. Sometimes people just can't get along anymore and make each other miserable - and no amount of counceling can change it. Obviously infidelity is another very justified reason for divorce.
post #3 of 30
When I married I meant the "til death we do part". My religion doesn't believe in divorce, but I do believe in separation, especially in abuse situations. I would also potentially ask for an annulment in that case.
post #4 of 30
i think divorce may be necessary in some circumstances, but I think that you should work on it as hard as possible before giving up. I think marriage these days is entered into way too lightly and that's why there are so many divorces. I'm 23 and I have a few same age friends who are divorced.. There seems to be dwindling respect for the sanctity of marriage..

I think in the case of abuse you could still TRY to make it work but only if your partner would get professional help. If he was not willing I would seperate and give him time to change his mind. I would definately remove myself totally from the situation until he would seek help and would NOT put up with more abuse.. Even church counseling, anything to show an effort. Last resort would be divorce. But that's because I'm Catholic..
post #5 of 30
In the case of abuse, there is no trying... not with me. It's a one strike and you're out. My stepfather was a very abusive person and now that I'm grown and out of the house I refuse to put up with it. Married or not. Hit me once and you're gone!

As far as verbal abuse, maybe that could be worked on but physical abuse gets 0 toleration.

I don't think a person should stay married to their s/o if they have tried and tried to work things out and just can't. Then yes, divorce. However, I agree that divorce is too frequent in our society and that is because people have less and less respect for the sanctity of marriage.
post #6 of 30
I dont believe in divorce and my marriage is important to me.
But if there were serious factors like abuse, etc, I wouldnt stay.
post #7 of 30
Seeing as I wear the proverbial scarlet letter, I'd have to say I believe in it.

But....it was the hardest decision I ever had to make. In a case of abuse, it is necessary to break the cycle. When an abused spouse sticks around, s/he becomes an enabler and also models acceptance of that behavior for the children.
post #8 of 30
I don't belive in divorce . My bible say so , but it also tell you that you should love one each other . Abuse is not any kind of Love . So if counseling is not helping any , or talking with your spouse and also friend's are not able to talk to the abusing person , I would leave him . Who knows he may start to hit you when the other abuse is not giving him any High any more . And there are to many woman burried that have been killed from a abusive man . If you are in that situation where the man is constantly hitting you , you need to get out of that relationship right now . I hope nobody is mad with me , but I had to say that . Sorry
post #9 of 30
I believe God hates divorce and that we should try everything possible to reconcile. But I also believe if there are extenuating circumstances (such as abuse) that divorce is justified. I'm sorry but there is too much proof saying "once an abuser, always an abuser." And I don't think any woman or man should have to put up with abuse. Been there; done that.
post #10 of 30
I agree with you mzjazz2u
post #11 of 30
I lasted 10 years living with an abusive husband. When that life finally fell apart,I divorced him. I thought I would not be able to survive without him. He kept telling me I would die without him. Boy was he wrong! It was a scary 4 years for me before I got my head together and realized what I was capable of. Being alone became something I embraced instead of hated. Being alone is preferable to being treated the way that he treated me.
post #12 of 30
You make a strong statement, MA. I admire you for finding the strength you needed within yourself.
post #13 of 30
I am so sorry hissy to read that . Be sure I know what you talking about . I am so happy for you everything has changed to the good for you . Nobody has a right to to harm any body in any way .
post #14 of 30
Thread Starter 
Originally posted by hissy
I lasted 10 years living with an abusive husband. When that life finally fell apart,I divorced him. I thought I would not be able to survive without him. He kept telling me I would die without him. Boy was he wrong! It was a scary 4 years for me before I got my head together and realized what I was capable of. Being alone became something I embraced instead of hated. Being alone is preferable to being treated the way that he treated me.
((((((HUGS)))))))) MA Love ya babe!
post #15 of 30
Hissy I've been through a situation much the same. I'm glad you pulled through! It is very tough and it took me many years to pull myself together as well. I lived with a guy for 5 years that beat me so bad I had bruises from head to toes. LItterally. He grabbed me by the hair and kept smashing my head and then face, against a cement wall and severly beat the rest of my body. What a creep! Sometimes I wonder what happened to him. I can only imagine that someday he will get his (if he hasn't already.)
post #16 of 30
I am sorry for you mzjazz2u . My goodnes , I wonder how you survived . You are lucky that you are still allive and well . Today I was watching a show on Tv and a man try to burn his wife alive with gasoline .Two man hert her screaming and knocket the looket door down .One of the man took a knife away from her husband and finaly both man got the fire out . She had a 8 month old baby there . And her husband was watching while she was on fire screeming and he pured more gasoline on her . I was so sick to my stomage when I listen to that Lady .I was crying how sad .
post #17 of 30
I am the child of divorced parents. My dad left us when I had just turned two and my sister was one. From what I understand, there was never any abuse, no fighting, no anything. He just decided to move in with another woman, and leave his wife and two babies.
I still see him regularly, though he has a demanding career (he's actually just a workaholic) that leaves him little time to spend with us. Due to this, he really doesn't know how to be a parent. I have to just be his friend.
This has been the source of alot of anger for me. Of course, I always thought- 'If he hadn't left us then we might have had a great relationship' or 'If he hadn't left us then he would spend time with me'. Eventually, I began to realize that, no matter whether they had stayed married or not, he still wouldn't have been around much.
My mother remarried when I was 12. She married a wonderful man who had always wanted to be a father. He is patient, loving, willing to help with homework, plus, he's a cat person. What more could I ask for in a father?
If the divorce hadn't happened, I would be stuck with a man who really didn't want to live with us, and would have never met my wonderful 'father'. (Not to mention, I never would have passed Algebra 2, or been allowed to foster cats)

Just thought I'd share from the child's point of view.
post #18 of 30
I was 3 years of age when my parents divoce , so I can understand your feelings while growing up .I had them to . I am glad you see it the way you do now . To be friends with your dad can be a great thing . At least he is giving his best he can and that's really all you can ask from a friend .Thank you for sharing that with us
post #19 of 30
I was very sad to read M.A's & Tammies story! I'm glad you got through them!

Love you both!
post #20 of 30
I used to believe once an abuser always an abuser but then over the past 2 years I have had some people confide in me the weirdest things.. Like this one woman, married now for 18 years, her husband beat her once, then twice, in their first year of marriage, so she left and he made a conscious effort and has never laid a finger on her since. It was shocking because before I knew that I though all abusers stayed abusive, but in 17 years he never hit her again.

I know another woman who was married 13 years and THEN started getting abused. When she left he broke down and found Jesus and now they are happier than even, 8 years later.

I'm not saying anyone should accept abuse, just that people can change if they WANT to. Most abusive people will continue to be abusive because it's their character trait, but once in a while a person can do a 180. I said in my reply that divorce is the last straw. I wouldn't give my husband a chance to hit me again if he hit me once. If he went to therapy, maybe half a year or a year down the road I would allow another shot if he was showing improvement. If a man hit my kids tho, damn my Catholic beliefs I would divorce him and have him in jail as quickly as humanly possible.
post #21 of 30
yea annabelle33 there are some who change and want to change . I think if a man is willing to change I have to give him a change . But there are so manny they don't want to change or see anything wrong in it . A man who is not willing to change I would not stay with .
post #22 of 30
I believe in divorce.
Not for the sake of divorce, but because I believe there is only this life and you don't get too many chances to make something of it.
If you are not happy with the situation you are in, NOW is the time to do something about it. Not tomorrow, because sometimes tomorrow really never comes (absolutely love that song, but that's another story).

Yesterday I was informed that a collegue of mine has been diagnosed with cancer of the esophagus and of the liver.
Life expectancy 1-2 years. She's only one year older than me and has a one-year old child.
It can be over before you know it, why waste time in a relationship that just doesn't feel right anymore?
post #23 of 30
Originally posted by Tybalt

4. One partner refusing to have sex anymore, or one spouse letting their appearance deteriorate so much that the other spouse loses all interest in sex with them. (I don't mean natural aging, I mean neglect or abuse that leads to plain old ugly. i.e. the disfiguring results of alcoholism, speed addiction, or any behaviour that is self-inflicted.)
That is like saying if your spouse has a disfiguring or severe accident then it is ok to divorce them. Sex shouldn't be the largest part of a marriage. There is a reason why the terms "in sickness an in health" are used. If I had breast cancer and lost a breast, I would still hope that my husband would stay with me even if he doesn't like the looks of the scarring. I understand that you are not talking about this type of thing specifically, but what you mention is getting mighty close to that - how do you draw the line? If you drink and drive, get in a n accident and get disfigured or crippled would it then be ok to leave your spouse? Maybe you should try to work through this issues with your spouse in counselling before these types of drastic measures are taken.
post #24 of 30
I think that you should try as hard as possible before marriage to determine if you are right for each other. A lot of people jump in then complain it's not what they want. It takes a long time to get to know someone and then how can you be sure if you truly know them? I think it's important to have religion in a marriage because otherwise what can hold two people together? Oh sure there's love, but what is love without the deeper meaning?

I believe if you know someone well enough before marriage there should be no reason to get a divorce. But I wonder how you get to know someone long enough and well enough.. My last relationship before my current lasted almost 3 years, and in the last year I found out what a jerk my bf was. If we had been older we would have surely gotten married and then what..? But I guess I always had warning signs I chose to ignore. I guess the moral of the story is not to settle, not to overlook little flaws.. Not to just get married for the sake of being together. I think a lot of people get married out of fear or maybe just out of hope.. They are afraid of not finding someone else who wants to marry or they hope they can turn this person into their perfect match. Last summer my bf asked me to marry him after we had only known each other a month. I said yes. We are still together but have since agreed NOT to get married because of our differences. Had we been able to get married last fall we just may have and now I would be miserable..

But then maybe it's not always a lose/lose because my parents got engaged after six months and were married a couple months later and they just had their 25th anniversary. They are in love still. But the church binds them. I have never dated a man who knew jesus or even acknowledged his existence. Maybe that has been my problem. Marriage is a sacrament made for two people who wish to share their lives together FOREVER, not until it becomes inconvenient. These days people have lost that meaning and now marriage is just a piece of paper. I know there are some non-christians here as there are everywhere and I don't want to offend anyone, but this is just how I feel. I think if two people are spirtually strong, when there is a problem they can look within their souls for the solution and not take it out on each other. And if one spouse falters the other needs to support them in regaining their footing. It's a partnership based on love and trust and thinking that if someone made a mistake the other person will leave is not trust.. No one is perfect and bad stuff sometimes happens. I truly think if a person wants to change and has support they can change..
post #25 of 30
I think people call it quits way too quickly in our society. But on the same note, I think people get married way too quickly.

My marriage means way too much to me to ever chaulk it up to divorce. But if I were to ever be abused, perhaps I'd see it differently.
post #26 of 30
(Don't worry Anna, you didn't offend me. I've been thinking about this for the past few days and finally have time to put my thoughts down. It just happens to follow your eloquent post, which I agree with most of it. )

As one of those non-Christians ( ), I can tell you that my committment to my marriage is no less because I don't hold the Bible as sacred. Marriage isn't "owned" by Christians, even though society as a whole as adopted that word, originally intended as a Christian Sacrament, as a generic term. Pagans have the same type of thing, which is called Hand-Fasting (hand-fastening - joining of the hands) but legally it isn't recognized the same as a Marriage. We chose to do the Marriage thing as much for our families and tradition as anything else. However, our committment to the longevity of the relationship is no less.

Divorce has become over-used. We are a throw away society, and a lot of people view marriage in the same manner. That's truly sad, especially when there are children involved. Marriage, or whatever you want to call it, shouldn't be entered into lightly, and it should be a committment that both people are willing to work through the rough spots.

At the same time, I think in the past and present some people have stayed in very bad (i.e. abusive) marriages because their religion said they would go to hell if they left. That's very unhealthy, physically in some cases. I don't mean to offend those who adhere to the Bible, but I just can't believe that the Loving God would want his people to stay in a harmful situation (mentally or physically). But then, it was these kinds of inconsistencies that lead me away from the Church....
post #27 of 30
Leaving an abusive relationship is NOT a sin, it's protecting yourself and your children.

Even if he agrees to counseling, separation is the best thing for him to work through his issues, and for you to heal and regain your emotional strength. I know the thought of being alone & starting over can be terrifying, especially when someone has corroded your sense of self, but it is SO worth it!

I spent 7 years in that private hell – it’s amazing how your common sense & logic can be manipulated away by someone who “loves†you... I was SO ashamed of what was going on, never let anyone get too close, couldn’t have friends over, etc... But finally I took a trip for a week to visit my family out-of state. While I was there, I re-learned how it felt to be treated with RESPECT and REAL LOVE. I realized NO ONE deserves to be abused, NOTHING you can do/have done gives a man the right to treat you badly. At that point I decided that life was too short to keep living like that. He threatened to kill me if I left, but I decided that I would rather live free and alone for one day, than continue on like that! I just made sure that all of my friends and coworkers knew his name & face, and if anything happened to me to tell the police to go after him. Life has been tough at times, but I’ve been happy and FREE being alone.

Then I met a good man with “cat hair on his pantsâ€, and learned what it’s like to be in a truly loving marriage. We dated for 4 years before we got engaged, and the engagement lasted a year. I wanted to be SURE I knew him and see how he handled anger and adversity.

Even if we had not met, though, I was MUCH happier alone than in the daily hell of abuse.

Be strong!
post #28 of 30
Thread Starter 
I have to say..dh and I did not know each other very long before we got married..we had kids early too...we have been together 6 1/2 years now..I am surprised we have lasted this long...
post #29 of 30
A common characteristic of abusive men is that they will shower you with affection and try to push a relationship along really fast, not giving you time to get your head above water or breathe.

Sometimes the way to tell the difference between an abuser and a man that's simply fallen hard is to wait and see. The good man will wait and allow love to grow, but the abuser increases the pressure & gets frustrated.

Unfortunately, sounds like a lot of us had to learn the hard way.

a useful link: www.ndvh.org
post #30 of 30
Catholic teaching on abusive marriage, divorce and anullment:

"Finally, we emphasize that no person is expected to stay in an abusive marriage. Some abused women believe that church teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in the Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. We encourage abused persons who have divorced to investigate the possibility of seeking an annulment. An annulment, which determines that the marriage bond is not valid, can frequently open the door to healing."

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