Need help/advice coping

Any thoughts or comments would be gratefully received:

I had to make the decision for my cat on the 4th of June last year. Her name was Artemis which I shortened to Missy which suited her just fine because she was dainty, fine boned and precious. She was old - I don't know how old as she was a rescue and the vets believed her original owner had told a bit of a lie to try and improve her odds of adoption. They put her at between 17 and 20.

I loved her desperately, she was my world and I would do anything to have her back. But that is life with animals.

Over the space of a week it became obvious she was ailing, she had become blind and her world shrank down to a space about 6 feet square. She was medicated for various age related issues - mainly hyperthyroidism and I believe that she had CRF as well towards the end. But she would sleep quietly and eat a little (cooked chicken, little tiny bits of tuna, anything she would take. old cats who don't eat go downhill so fast it is scary).

I really didn't leave her side for days but something told me that she was in real trouble so I took her to the vets. Her body was shutting down organ by organ and she was battling to breathe - her tiny lungs barely working. The vet gave me two choices - make the decision, or take her home and bring her back the next day. The inference being that she would have died of natural causes. Her time was up. And to take her home would have been for MY benefit, not hers, to abdicate my responsibility for her. She could barely breathe and her little heart was struggling. She would have asphyxiated.

Under advice from my vet I made the decision. To prolong her suffering would have been an act of cruelty. either way she was done and she could go quietly in my arms or struggle in pain and fear for her last breaths. As a conscientious pet owner I believe that it is our duty to be responsible for our pets - we are their guardians. The vet put the needle in her and she was gone in seconds. She was ready to let go and it was almost as if she needed permission (yes, I am crying right now). My heart broke that day and it hasn't recovered.

It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. But I knew it was the right thing. My vet knew it was the right thing. I would do the same thing again if I had to.

Although this happened in June last year I still don't seem to have come to terms or any sort of peace. I still find myself crying at her loss. I don't seem to have passed through the grieving process right (she had full blood brother, he died a couple of years ago. I was in despair but eventually reconciled.) Every time I see a cat walking about in the street I feel a gut wrenching sense of terror (there is a little Egyptian Mau living locally and he is too friendly, someone will steal him or hurt him). I can't save them all but the thought of one dying - and the memory of my own treasured Missy, just haunts me every day =(

Sorry to be a downer. I thought that maybe cat people would understand and have an idea of where to turn.

No, no, no - glad you reached out for help - are you in the United States? There are a couple of free help lines run by vet schools to help grieving pet parents, such as http://vetmed.illinois.edu/CARE/. And they can help with referrals to other services if a person thinks they might need additional help - and only a strong person like yourself can realize, and reach out, for that help. You were strong for Missy - but now maybe someone can help you. You don't have to do everything by yourself.

From what you said, you did the right thing for your Missy - and it's totally understandable to grieve.

You express yourself so beautifully. Some grieve longer than others. there is no time limit on the feelings of loss. In my community there are pet loss support groups. A local mental health clinic even offers counseling for pet loss. Is there anything like that in your area? I totally understand your pain. there is always that one special kitty that grabs our hearts and won't let go.my thoughts and warm wishes go out to you.

Your post made ME cry as well... It is so incredibly obvious how much you loved Missy. Words can not express how lucky she was to have someone like you in her life. You DID do the right thing hun, as hard as I'm sure it was. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain and I hope that with time, you will heal.

There are no rules regarding grieving. It takes how ever long it takes. I had to make that same decision for my Ootay last May 6, a month before you let your Missy go, and I still miss her so much, and yes I still cry. I still cry over Baby, who I said goodbye to January 1998. I have done the same for other cats, too, but there are certain ones who, the grief just seems to stay fresh forever.

I also understand how you feel when you see cats, especially friendly ones, out and about on the street. Cats who come to greet me I always say to them (aloud, in the hopes that their humans may be near enough to hear me) "What a nice kitty cat you are. I wouldn't let such a nice cat like you wander around like this in such an unsafe place."

Anyway, I'm glad you came to us to share your feelings of missing Missy. We understand.

I am so sorry about your dear little Missy. She sounds like a wonderful girl. I had to make the hard decision about my precious 18 year old Fred several years ago, and it still hurts, but as time goes on, I am accepting that I did what was best for him. He was suffering, and that was much harder to bear.
What you did was selfless and loving.

Your post also made me tear up. We all have kitties who haunt us. Some take longer to get over. Some we don't get over, we just quietly accept what is.

I hope you do get in touch with a group who can give you the support you so need. Maybe it is here on the site or someone else. But, if our only "crime" is loving too much to let go, then we are all guilty. It's not such a bad thing to be convicted of.

God Bless you and Missy, your kitty. She is in good hands.

Each encounter with death feels different. If you are feeling somehow stuck in your grief process - if at all possible get some counseling. There are services that specialize in pet grief counseling. If you have health insurance any counselor should be able to help you start moving through the grief process again.

Do you have any other pets? Are your friends and family supportive?

Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts, it really is appreciated.

I am in the UK and actually do have a therapist for other problems but she just doesn't understand anything about pets as she has never had one.

This grief is like a raincloud that follows me everywhere and I feel quite some guilt, I didn't really feel this way when I lost my grandparents.

I know that I did the right thing. I wish I could have been calmer and steadier when it happened. I can't stop thinking that she felt my distress when she should have felt nothing but my love.

And honestly, this little local Egyptian Mau is really triggering for me. He is a friendly little fellow an it isn't uncommon to see people shooing him out of their homes because he has snuck in for a nosey. I heard one of my housemates shooing him out of our place with a "come on Mr Mungo, you don't live here". I let myself touch him once because he is an exotic that I have never seen up close and I wanted to know what he felt like. I don't want to encourage him to approach people because it isn't safe. It just isn't.

I wish his owner would use common sense - she bought a young Mau and apparently he gets bored easily and demands to go outside (the houses around here are large 3 storey buildings with gardens). He could be safe but he isn't. I seem to be transferring my grief to an animal that isn't really mine.

And I am afraid that the pain and the fear of this pain will stop me ever having pets again even though I adore and treasure them.

Sorry to ramble, this just disturbs me so much and I rather knew that you would understand.