Personal Issues With A Friend

Hi guys...I'm not sure this is the right section in the boards for this...but I know you'll understand. I just need to vent.

I work 4-12:30am, which works for us and our animals -- the boyfriend wakes me up at noon when he's home for lunch, then I leave at 3:45, Frank's home at 5 (so the kitties are without someone for just a smidge over an hour), he naps, then gets up, makes dinner, and we eat dinner at 1am...then we are in bed around 3am.

ANYWAY. That was just some random sidenote. My point is that I work for a worldwide lawfirm (I'm a legal proofreader by accident -- I have 8 years experience in graphic design, but with the economy...I got laid off and now here I am, and it's not so bad!), and it's not NORMAL business hours, and so the people that I work with have become a little family. There are some shift overlaps, but for 5 days a week, I'm with one person the entire time, and she's quickly become a good friend.

However. A few times she's remarked that she just "had" to get rid of this dog, or she had to get rid of this cat. The cat was peeing in her plants! I swallowed a lot of what I wanted to say about that, because it happened before we knew each other. She's also had her cat declawed (front and back) because "she has a daughter." I had two cats declawed in my life because I COULD NOT FIND ANOTHER SOLUTION, and that was a HUGE mistake on my part. I felt guilty for the remainder of those cats' lives, but at the same time, I didn't dump them somewhere. So, I've been trying to deal with her, but recently, she got rid of not one, but TWO of her dogs. One was 8 (and she had him for all 8 of those years), and the other was probably about a year. She says they nipped at her daughter, and "in this day and age, if my daughter gets bit by my dogs, I'll go to jail."

I don't know that to be true, but I don't have kids, and I just generally don't know. But the BAD PART is that SHE THEN WENT OUT THE VERY NEXT DAY AND ADOPTED A NEW PUPPY BECAUSE THE DAUGHTER WAS CRYING.

I want to continue to be her friend, but I'm having a very hard time. I've already limited my socializing time with her after that. I'm still pleasant to her, because I have to work with her (but our jobs are completely different and we really don't HAVE to interact). There are only four of us in the room for a large portion of the shift, and we are close-knit. I'm just limited in what I can say, but I don't know how to get "over" this and just go back to seeing her as a friend. I don't know if I can, because it's so opposite from anything I personally would ever do.

I don't have kids, so I can't 100% say what I would do, but I still KNOW what I would do, if that makes sense. I'd say "well, lesson learned, you don't mess with the dogs." She says the daughter wasn't doing anything, but I find that hard to believe. I was bit as a child, and I learned my lesson. I understand wanting safety for your child, but this just seems extreme -- it was the first incident. And then to turn around and get a new puppy?

*sigh* I'm just having a hard time deciding how to partition off my brain on this one...I mean, we're still battling Butters being sick, and I had a friend suggest rehoming him (out of kindness -- she is like me), but I won't have it. Even if we had to separate him forever...although we really don't WANT to, and probably wouldn't have to, I'd keep him. I picked him. I will care for him.

Anyhow. I just wanted to know if you have similar issues at times? It seems like not everyone is wired the way animal-lovers are.

Ugh, that sucks. The closest experience I can come to yours is my sister. My sister owned her own business for about the past 10 years, and I worked for her (until she had to lay me off) until last year. At our busiest time, we hired another employee, a woman who I really liked. Well, this woman and her husband BOUGHT two labradoodles, then proceeded to keep them in their garage, in kennels, ALL the time.

A few years ago, my sister's kids were BEGGING for a dog, and my co-worker was looking to get rid of one of theirs, so my sister took Jake. It worked out well for Jake, as he now has a loving home where he has three kids who love him to pieces and he lives in the HOUSE, not in a kennel in the garage. But there are times when we have seriously wondered if he hasn't suffered some kind of brain damage from being confined in a hot garage. He's a sweet guy, but not the brightest bulb in the pack.

I don't have any advice for you about your friend. Unfortunately, if the parents don't respect animals, they won't be able to teach respect to their kids. Have you asked her WHY she went out and adopted another puppy immediately after getting rid of other dogs? What if that puppy bites? If she's so worried about a dog biting her child "in this day and age" why in the world would she get a puppy?!? I feel sad not only for her animals, but for her child, because it sounds like her child is going to be spoiled rotten.

As for you not having kids - I don't either, but I can tell you my brother and SIL had their dog before their two kids were born. Now, Frosty has never been a dog to nip or bite, but they also taught their kids how to treat the dog. You don't pull her fur, you don't pull her tail, you don't try to "ride" her. And those kids LOVE that dog (and vice versa).

Try to focus your attention on YOUR babies, and if you want to remain friends with this woman, try to keep the conversation away from the animals. Or, if you feel comfortable, try to educate her on what it means to keep pets. I have people in my life who just don't "get" the connection between a person and their animal, and I will probably never be able to change their minds... but really. Adopting that puppy was just a horrid, horrid thing for her to do.

Why the censored material would anyone ever back declaw a cat? They don't even do anything with those claws unless they're actually in a fight (or picking up traction on carpeted floors, or as it turns out when Squirrel pushes off from my hand when she does not want to go in the carrier). I comprehend why people front declaw, I think it's wrong, but I see how they get that from that.

Anyway. She sounds like a crummy human being, and a bad parent for getting a whole new puppy just because her kid cried (after making the decision that animals were too dangerous for her kids, which also sounds overprotective, but again, at least I comprehend it). I don't have those for friends; I'm polite to them to avoid unpleasantness.

Don't worry about trying to see her as a friend--if she's not friend material, your seeing her differently would be crazy. Just be polite so that the office situation doesn't get tense and the aliens from Neptune who are studying humanity (they're in your air conditioning ducts) will say "hey, that Staceyloobug is a classy lady, so her species isn't all bad"

See hun, you are a stronger person than I am because there is no way I would be able to keep my opinions to myself in a situation like that, therefore any chance of a friendship would no doubt be disolved. People like that should NOT have pets.

My Mom adopted her cat Oliver from the shelter and his previous owner had all 4 of his paws declawed as well, poor thing. I just DON'T GET IT.

Originally Posted by Mystik Spiral

Have you asked her WHY she went out and adopted another puppy immediately after getting rid of other dogs? What if that puppy bites? If she's so worried about a dog biting her child "in this day and age" why in the world would she get a puppy?!? I feel sad not only for her animals, but for her child, because it sounds like her child is going to be spoiled rotten.

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Well said. And yes, my friend who also works on the shift with me (we've worked together for years before this, too, and we're very close) was absolutely livid (her aunt runs an animal shelter, and she's very sensitive to people just dumping their pets, and rightly so) said the same thing. She said "that puppy is going to get big, and fast. What happens when it bites?"

And the answer is that they will have to get rid of this dog, too.

Originally Posted by ebrillblaiddes

Why the censored material would anyone ever back declaw a cat?

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So it doesn't hurt her child, of course. You can't have a cat and not declaw it with children. *eye roll*

In Real Life, I would dump the friendship, but I can't in this situation. You're right -- I just have to keep it polite for the sake of the office. But I already know that everyone that KNOWS about it in the office is really upset (we seem to all be pet people). She really hurt her reputation by telling people this.

Originally Posted by Kailie

See hun, you are a stronger person than I am because there is no way I would be able to keep my opinions to myself in a situation like that, therefore any chance of a friendship would no doubt be disolved.

People like that should NOT have pets.

My Mom adopted her cat Oliver from the shelter and his previous owner had all 4 of his paws declawed as well, poor thing. I just DON'T GET IT.

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I'm thinking the "friendship" is pretty much void now, but I've got to keep opinions to myself for the sake of the office. And it's TOUGH, because I'm NOT one to do that. I'm breathing in Jesus and breathing out peace around those parts, I'll say that!

I would just be civil to her while I was working with her. She couldn't really be my friend anywhere else. I have no patience with people who won't teach their children how to treat their animals. This is made worse because she got another animal. He better not uppack his suitcase and expect a forever home because she will probably get rid of him for the same reason. Dogs and Cats are not throw-a-ways when you get tired of them or when the kids pull their tail. In that case, you teach the children, even with a sway on the butt, if you have to to make them understand, leave the dog alone. Sorry for the rant, but my friends have to love pets, or they are just acquaintances.

Originally Posted by Staceyloobug

She said "that puppy is going to get big, and fast. What happens when it bites?"

And the answer is that they will have to get rid of this dog, too.

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Wow...

What's her plan for if she has two kids and one bites the other? Give away the biter?

Originally Posted by Staceyloobug

So it doesn't hurt her child, of course. You can't have a cat and not declaw it with children. *eye roll*

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Sure you can. My parents did it a jillion times. (They didn't do the spay/neuter deal when we were growing up, but, they also didn't declaw.) Yeah, there'll be some scratching here and there, from getting climbed on or playing, but if the kid is at all smart, there won't be a lot, because getting scratched is an excellent "respect the cat" teaching tool.

If kids are allowed to grow up playing outdoors like they should instead of plugged into a computer, they'll get so many other scrapes and scratches that the ones from the cat fade into the background anyway.

Oh yeah I have had a similar incident but it had nothing to do with animals. We just did not see eye to eye on anything anymore so we parted and I'm very happy we did, that's all I'll say about that.

I think that your friend is using her daughter as an excuse and has other agenda's for giving up her animals. I wouldn't trust that person as far as I could throw her. If her kid is getting bit, she is probably annoying the heck out of the dogs as most kids do and therefore deserves to get bit or scratched. The mother should be teaching her kid how to treat animals. She certainly doesn't sound like a very good mother to me. I have to agree with you that she is in the wrong here. I mostly feel sorry for the animals and none for the child who sounds like a spoiled brat.

If I were in your shoes, I would probably try to kindly and gently sway her over to my way of thinking. If she's a caring person she will eventually start to see the err of her ways. But there's always the possibility she is a person who is completely without empathy in which case she'll never understand (and I'd terminate our friendship). I'd feel bad for her poor kid if that's the case, at least the animals the woman surrendered might have a chance at some love with someone else.

All those animals can't be attacking her kid unless she's not treating the animals well.

Poor kid.

Originally Posted by ebrillblaiddes

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Wow...

What's her plan for if she has two kids and one bites the other? Give away the biter?
Sure you can. My parents did it a jillion times. (They didn't do the spay/neuter deal when we were growing up, but, they also didn't declaw.) Yeah, there'll be some scratching here and there, from getting climbed on or playing, but if the kid is at all smart, there won't be a lot, because getting scratched is an excellent "respect the cat" teaching tool.

If kids are allowed to grow up playing outdoors like they should instead of plugged into a computer, they'll get so many other scrapes and scratches that the ones from the cat fade into the background anyway.

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I just wanted to make sure you knew the "eye roll" was towards her and that line of thinking -- not at you! I FULLY believe that you can have kids and not declaw your pets. We grew up that way, and I learned a few lessons.

And I've often said that -- would they just give up a kid? I guess that's extreme thinking for some people, but it's really the same to me.

Originally Posted by blueyedgirl5946

I would just be civil to her while I was working with her. She couldn't really be my friend anywhere else. I have no patience with people who won't teach their children how to treat their animals. This is made worse because she got another animal. He better not uppack his suitcase and expect a forever home because she will probably get rid of him for the same reason. Dogs and Cats are not throw-a-ways when you get tired of them or when the kids pull their tail. In that case, you teach the children, even with a sway on the butt, if you have to to make them understand, leave the dog alone. Sorry for the rant, but my friends have to love pets, or they are just acquaintances.

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I agree -- pets can be excellent at teaching children lessons in life...and I feel like her daughter is missing out...

Originally Posted by LaRussa

Oh yeah I have had a similar incident but it had nothing to do with animals. We just did not see eye to eye on anything anymore so we parted and I'm very happy we did, that's all I'll say about that.

I think that your friend is using her daughter as an excuse and has other agenda's for giving up her animals. I wouldn't trust that person as far as I could throw her. If her kid is getting bit, she is probably annoying the heck out of the dogs as most kids do and therefore deserves to get bit or scratched. The mother should be teaching her kid how to treat animals. She certainly doesn't sound like a very good mother to me. I have to agree with you that she is in the wrong here. I mostly feel sorry for the animals and none for the child who sounds like a spoiled brat.

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I kind of tried to say this to her -- that the kid needs to learn, but she insists that the kid didn't do anything. That the dog just snapped at her. I don't really believe that...sorry. I mean, sure, MAYBE, but not out of the blue. Come on.

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

If I were in your shoes, I would probably try to kindly and gently sway her over to my way of thinking. If she's a caring person she will eventually start to see the err of her ways. But there's always the possibility she is a person who is completely without empathy in which case she'll never understand (and I'd terminate our friendship). I'd feel bad for her poor kid if that's the case, at least the animals the woman surrendered might have a chance at some love with someone else.

All those animals can't be attacking her kid unless she's not treating the animals well.

Poor kid.

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I tried that at first (the gentle sway). She insists that this was right for her child. She says she cried all the way to the pound, that she didn't want to do this, but she had to because of the daughter. There's no getting through to her on that, and she's of the opinion that I don't GET an opinion because I don't have kids. She was very nice in saying so -- there wasn't really an argument (because we're at work), but it was clear to me that that was the message she was sending.

Originally Posted by Staceyloobug

I just wanted to make sure you knew the "eye roll" was towards her and that line of thinking -- not at you!

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Oh, yeah, I figured as much.

Originally Posted by Staceyloobug

And I've often said that -- would they just give up a kid? I guess that's extreme thinking for some people, but it's really the same to me.

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Or...if not exactly the same...at least different degrees on the same scale. Having a pet or a kid is, in part, an agreement to take care of it for as long as it needs you. If a pet became actually aggressive to the point of being a safety hazard, I could see needing to get it out of the home, perhaps to a shelter...of course, I could see how that might become necessary with some human kids too...

Originally Posted by Staceyloobug

I tried that at first (the gentle sway). She insists that this was right for her child. She says she cried all the way to the pound, that she didn't want to do this, but she had to because of the daughter.

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And then she went and got another dog? That's just completely bizarre. "Dogs are too dangerous. Let's get a dog!" ???