My Mom (really long)

This is so long, I just really needed to get it all down. I'm really confused.

My mom has always had problems. She's been depressed since as long as I can remember. She left my dad when I was four, and moved me and my brother and sister into this rathole, cockroach infested little duplex. She slept all day, we fended for ourselves. My dad had us Thursday night through Sunday I think. I don't remember much of this time. One day though, is engrained in my memory forever. She was cleaning our room, she lifted the queen size mattress my brother and sister and I slept on and it was a sheet of roaches.

She eventually got a job, that just meant we went to a baby sitters. I felt like I lived at the babysitters. One of the babysitters had two teenage sons. She left the oldest to watch us once. He took me in the bathroom. I've never been able to say what happened. I don't even remember a lot. I mentioned it to my husband once, but I couldn't say what happened even then. I just can't bring myself to put into words what he did.

When she met my step dad, things definitely improved for us. She was happy for a while, but I always remember her always being absent. When I was 14, she cheated on my step dad and got caught. I'm sure it wasn't the first time, because I remember her being strangely close to the sheriff who taught D.A.R.E when I was in fifth grade. He was overly nice to me, even though I was an annoying child.

I'm not sure when the drugs started. Maybe she'd been on them a long time. But she started acting weird. I'd ask her what was wrong and she'd say "I'm just tired." Slurring her words. I'd find her passed out on the toilet. We also lived in a small town, so it didn't help my situation at school when she drove into the local convenience store, drugged out of her mind, with me, my bro and sis. Kids couldn't come to play with my little sister.

Anyway, she got caught, it was the summer so my bro and sis were staying at my dad and step mom's for the summer. She picked us up one night in a car we didn't recognize. She was in a really good mood. She was tan. She was telling us she would be back with our step dad by the time school started. She was living at the lake with these people. She said this man was "her friend" yet they were sharing an air mattress in the same tent. I refused to go in the tent. I knew something was going on. She kept telling us that she'd be back home by the time school started. Then after we got dinner that night, we were headed back to the lake and she said "You know Don and I are getting a divorce right?" I remember it was dark and late, it would have been a beautiful night, but I felt so alone. I never felt safe when I was with her. I knew she couldn't protect me, I had to protect her. Then Tim, the man she was with got incredibly drunk. He started crying that we didn't like him. I was 14, I was a soft-hearted girl, and he was making me feel bad that I was so sad that my mom was divorcing my step dad, who had been a part of most of my life. I told him I didn't know him yet, but I needed time.

After school started, I avoided my mother when I could. I stayed with my step dad and his new girlfriend, who I loved. Then my mom went to Wisconsin where she was from. She called me one evening and said she was thinking of moving us there. It wasn't decided yet, and I couldn't tell anyone.

Sure enough when she came back it was decided. For some reason, not going with her wasn't an option for me. My brother and sister didn't have a choice, they needed me. I think, I felt I had to take care of her too. Tim was a screw-up. Couldn't keep a job. He was so immature. I tried to talk mom out of moving there every time I was with her. She actually told me, she was afraid of what she might do if she stayed in our town.

The night we left Kansas, I had a massive panic attack. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. Saying good bye to my step dad, he tried not to cry, but he couldn't help it. Saying good bye to my dad. Remembering watching him watch us drive away, standing alone on his porch, still makes me cry.

Wisconsin was the worst experience of my life. I don't know how I didn't shrivel up and die. If I could have willed myself to stop living I would have. The majority of our stay there we staying in this tiny duplex. It had a living room, which we kids shared. A kitchen, a bathroom and a bedroom. For five people, an english mastiff and a black lab. My mom was on drugs the whole time. Tim was drunk. I would have flunked out of school if we hadn't moved back home. I really can't describe how miserable my life there was.

After we came home, my mom got in a car accident. She was almost killed. My dad took advantage of it, and got custody of us. Which was the best thing that happened to me in a long time. My step mom got me some therapy.

Almost three years ago, I told my mom that if she didn't go to rehab, then I wouldn't be part of her life any longer. My sister and brother did the same. She denyed that she did drugs. She yelled at me. I left. So did my brother and sister. I think the drugs were just an excuse for me though. I don't know. I just know that I was relieved.

But now she found out I'm pregnant and her attempts to contact me have gotten even more desperate. I have no idea how I feel about her. I don't think I could even figure it out by myself. I don't hate her, I don't love her. Except maybe I kind of hate her. I really can't figure out what I feel. When I think of her, I feel nothing but tension all over. I've asked her to please respect my decision, she refuses.

I'm just so messed up because of her. I've worked really hard to get myself where I am mentally. I have a baby I have to take care of in September, I need my head on straight. I don't need her messing me all up.

I'm sorry to blab this all out. But thanks for reading.

I read another post you had written a while back about your mom and I don't think I said anything at the time, as I wasn't sure I should since I don't know you. I wanted to say something this time though.

First, you are amazing and a champion.

Second, I'm not sure if you were venting, or wanted some advice, so if you don't want advice or thoughts then don't read on. I hope that makes sense.

IMHO:
I can see if it was a bit of a different situation (a distanced mother, but with less extreme circumstances) that the birth of a grandchild would help 'mend' things. However, I think the emotional abuse and damage makes this a situation where that may not apply. I do not want to 'tell you what to do' but I think if it was me, that I would try my hardest to really cut her out. And then maybe as time goes by, see if she's straightened out at all and then maybe make a decision. I am thinking also that if you are having some panic about this, that maybe you want to talk to another counselor or someone now - just to help sort this out. Just a thought. I think pregnancies and post-partum can be emotional, so you may just want to be prepared.

An acquaitance of mine has divorced parents. Totally a different situation, but his father was a cheating jerk and walked out of their lives completely. Man years later, my friend became a parent. Guess who wanted to meet the grandchild? They decided to drive out (4 hours) and spend a couple hours there, then go back home. They do not want the child to ever have a close relationship with this person and I totally understand why.

You have to do what's right for you. Hang in there.

No matter what she says or does YOU need to do whats BEST for you and your family not what she wants. So no matter what you decide to do what you feel is best because that is the most important thing.

Maybe someday you can at least have a friendship with your mother, but that time isn't now and may be a long way away. Have you told her that?

Focus on yourself and family, you're not being selfish. She had her chances and ruined them every time.

You are very brave to have written all that down. I am sure doing so will help in a way. You need to read it all several times for yourself, and think about what is best for you and for your baby. Your mom is way beyond your help at this time, she will only screw things up again for you when you have important decisions to make about your future. Maybe one day, not now.

You are an amazing person to have got this far, and I am sure you will succeed in whatever you do in future. Good luck.

You need to put yourself and your baby first. I hope someday in the future your Mother will change, and you can have a relationship, but at this stage of your life, building a safe loving family for you and your baby is most important.

First of all~~God Bless You!!! There is nothing you can do to help this woman. She has to do that herself. After everything she has done to you and has allowed others to do to you; I would never reward her by letting her into your life and your baby's life. Alot of times our families are extremely toxic to us. I wish we could pick our parents like we pick our friends, but we can't...You have fought and struggled all your life just to survive because she was never there for you. I am so sorry you went through those unspeakable things. Those nightmares will always be there. I would detach from her until she gets help and starts earning your trust and respect again. And begins showing remorse~~you deserve that!!!!

I admire the strength of character you obviously have to get yourself into a healthy position mentally after having to struggle through that childhood.
IMO, you need to do what's best for you and your baby. You don't owe your mom anything, and you don't need to feel obligated to give her a chance to know her grandchild. She's too toxic and likely bring chaos, sadness and anger into your life and you really don't need anymore after all you've been through.

*hugs* I'm sorry you had such a rotten childhood

We all have our baggage from when we were growing up, some worse than others, but it does affect us profoundly.

You are a grown women now. Strong, independent, and happy with a family of your own. You are no longer that scared little, dependent girl that had no choice with whom she lived or what happened to her.

Despite having had some therapy about what you've been through, I sense from your post that you still angry, upset and hurt about what happened to you. That makes you a victim!

You need to learn to stop being a victim, Being a victim gives people too much control over you and how you feel. You need to become a survivor!!

Only then can you really pack away the baggage from your childhood and move forward.

The fact that your Mom is seeking contact with you now is not surprising. She has a grandchild on the way. And despite all of the bad things she did years ago, she is still your Mother, and in her own way loved you and your siblings very much.

She might be wanting to try and do things right this time around. Has she stopped drinking and doing drugs? What is her life like now? Is it stable? Is she settled somewhere and doing well for herself?

If she has changed and is off the booze and drugs and has changed her life around, I see no reason to deny her a place in your life on your terms. It's not like you will be living with her,

Remember, you are no longer that frightened little girl anymore, and no one can hurt you now unless you let them. Including her in your family in some way would not be a bad thing, providing that she has made some positive life changes since you were a child.

She may have been a crummy Mother, but she is still your Mother, and while you say you don't really feel anything for her, one day you will. I can pretty much promise that despite all that she has done, when she dies, it will break your heart and you will shed tears for her. I know. I hated my Mother so much for some of the things she did and put me through. But she was my Mom, and to this day I still cry because she is not here anymore. I know you love your Step-Mom, but don't make a mistake that you can't correct in the future.

Too bad we cannot pick our family like we can our friends.

Do what is best for YOU and your baby.

My mother has not been a part of my life for over 25 yrs and it has been the best 25 yrs of my life! I am sorry but I will not cry or feel any thing when/if I found out my mom has passed.

Good luck! Be STRONG!

Kim

The important thing is that you do what's right for you and your family, not your mother. If she's off drugs and has moved on with her life in a good way, you can try. If it doesn't work out, you tried and that's really all you can do at this point.

But the most important thing is you....and that little one you're carrying right now.

(((hugs)))

Even if she is off drugs, she will never stop lying. She'll never be healthy, even if she got counseling, because she lies to herself too.

Thanks to everyone that replied. I'm going to find a counselor and figure out how to deal with all this.

I think thats a good choice. A counselor especially a family counselor can really help you thru some tough issues. I know my drug/alcohol counselor helped me thru a lot of tough stuff especially getting down to the nitty gritty about why I couldnt go a day without smoking pot and why I felt the need to "hide" from everything going on in my life. Basically it all came down to no matter how stoned I got everything was still going to be there for me to face some day and running only made it worse. I keep that in mind everytime I face something tough and it works. So I hope that when you find a counselor its someone who really helps you get down to everything and can give you some peace of mind like mine gave me!!!

Best wishes!!!

Lots of sage advice here, so I really have nothing to add other than to offer a virtual .

Wow, lots of *hugs* for you.

First of all, some people are just bad and it doesn't matter if they are your family member or not - if they are toxic and have proven to be so for a long period of time then they do not deserve to be a part of your life.
Cut your mother out of your life. She is bad news and she is a toxic influence on you and she will be a toxic influence on your child. She has done nothing for you except bring you into this world.

Second - counselling for yourself is a great idea. You've gone through a lot of really traumatic things and you've got a huge life event coming up (congrats btw!) so a counsellor is a great idea to help you sort through everything.

Just wanted to give you some hugs

First off Have you ever looked into Nar-anon? It is for families and friends of drug addicted people. Here is the link.

http://www.nar-anon.org/naranon/?utm_campaign=website&utm_source=sendgrid.com&utm_medium=email

They might be able to point you to a counselor that will help you.

I feel like there are lots of things I want to say but most of them have already been covered by others. I guess I also want to say that people feel like they should give second chances to family members because they are family members and it somehow makes them more special than everyone else. But I warn you here, those family members you offer second chances to when they don't truly deserve it will take advantage of your generosity and it will bite you in the @ss. I don't want to sound mean, or that that remark is unfounded but to sum it up I have had much experience with people like this. As a child I never understood why my parents didn't want anything to do with my dads sister and brothers, and it really hurt me that I couldn't see them. But as an adult I see now that my parents protected me from them and I am grateful. I learned through offering them a second chance in my life and watching them as they tried to destroy it.
The only way to get through to people like your mother and my dads family is to put your foot down and tell them NO. If they are going to come back into your life only to use you, abuse you and put your future child in harms way then as a mother you shouldn't let that happen. We all want the best for our children, for them to not suffer the hardships and traumas that we ourselves suffered. And in order to do this you must estrange yourself from your mother then..... -sigh- I don't know, am I being too harsh. I'm really sorry if I am sounding too rude or mean, I'm just fed up with these bottom feeders thriving on the second chances given by kindhearted souls that end up getting used and worse off for it. The choice is yours. I wish you luck with this.