Be my friend, just listen!

No I'm not talking about my TCS friends. I'm talking about my 'real life' friends.

Why can't people just listen?

Why do people think that they have to FIX me. I just want to vent, get things off my chest so I can sleep, but no, I have two different friends who, each in her own way, feels the need to either point out the flaws of my complaints and/or offer what SHE thinks I should have done.

These are not casual acquaintances, these are people I have been close to for years and years. All I wanted was a sympathetic ear. All I wanted was to share my feelings of frustration and anger and helplessness over a certain situation. I felt bad, and wanted to spill it, is all, you know?

One friend felt she had to point out all the flaws in my complaints, basically saying I should not be feeling this way, because of A B and C. What the heck?

The other friend felt the need to tell me what I should have done and should not have done to prevent something from happening (that already has happened so how helpful is that?)

So..in an effort to de-stress myself a little I turned to two very dear loving friends, and they both made me feel worse.

Bletch!

Good listeners are rare, and it's complicated by the fact that most people think that they are supposed to be problem-solvers, and if a friend is talking about problems; they are supposed to offer solutions. It's good to just listen sometimes, though, as you have pointed out.

I would tell my friend that feelings are the most honest things around, and it's ridiculous for anybody to tell someone else how to feel - that's a direct result of a person's experiences. As for what somebody should have done or not done: hindsight is cheap, no? I'd tell my friend I will go back in my time machine and take his/her advice then, when it would actually be useful. <- There's a bit of sarcasm, but no advice.

LOL! thanks for the chuckle.

Yes, both these women have that; what I always think of as a "male trait" to fix things, regardless of whether I want to be fixed.

I don't do that to them, I just listen. If I am asked for an opinion, I give one, but if not asked, I just let them vent.

Perhaps they think I don't care because I don't try to fix them. Perhaps they think trying to fix me is showing caring. I dunno.

The one who told me how NOT to feel, well that hurt me deeply, as she is always so opinionated about not being judgmental, letting people be who they are and then she went and told me my feelings were wrong.

The last time that happened I told her my feelings got hurt because she was telling me how to feel, and then HER feelings got hurt that I would ever think she would do such a thing.

The one who told me I "should have done this and should not have done that", well she's always been that way. I once tried to tell her how that approached bothered me but she got so hurt over it, I let it drop and now just kind of let her comments slide by.

Maybe it's just me. I love both these women deeply, and I know they each love me. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive because I am feeling so strung out lately. It seems harsh that they feel free to be so "honest" to me, but if I tell them their "honesty" has hurt me, they get hurt by it.

argh. some cycle eh?

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Good listeners are rare, and it's complicated by the fact that most people think that they are supposed to be problem-solvers, and if a friend is talking about problems; they are supposed to offer solutions. It's good to just listen sometimes, though, as you have pointed out.

I would tell my friend that feelings are the most honest things around, and it's ridiculous for anybody to tell someone else how to feel - that's a direct result of a person's experiences. As for what somebody should have done or not done: hindsight is cheap, no? I'd tell my friend I will go back in my time machine and take his/her advice then, when it would actually be useful. <- There's a bit of sarcasm, but no advice.

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I agree!
I also think that it's a classic male trait to feel you have to offer solutions when someone tells you something. It's something that DH and I argue about often.

Some people just need to be told when you are wanting advice, and when you just want an ear. Have you tried prefacing your conversations with something like "I just need to get this off my chest, I'm not looking for advice/solutions."? It might work.

Me, I'm kind of the opposite - I don't feel it's my place to tell other people what they should do or how they should feel. People HAVE to tell me when they want my advice...

I always mention the MBTI on here, and this sort of topic has been discussed elsewhere. Feeling types listen, thinking types try find a solution. That is just how they function and how they will always function.

I am a thinking type, I try to help people find a solution. Mostly because I rarely FEEL anything but still want to help. When people are wanting some caring emotional fluff type response I really can't give it.

Yeah, that is frustrating and upsetting. And very not cool when someone tells you how you SHOULD or SHOULDN'T feel. Rudeness!!! It's like they're invalidating your thoughts and feelings. Plain old venting without seeking advice is necessary at times.

I know how that is, I hate when people do that. Thankfully most of my friends are pretty good listeners.
The last time I talked to a friend and tried to vent about something (how I was afraid about my grades this semester, he tried to tell me what I need to be doing ) I actually got so irritated that we had an argument and have never spoken since then..I don't feel bad about it either, I don't need people in my life who don't think I'm good enough as it is, I mean this was an issue before the argument too, he was always trying to tell me what I should be like, how I need to know what I want in life and I need to be more focused on achievements

Originally Posted by strange_wings

I always mention the MBTI on here, and this sort of topic has been discussed elsewhere. Feeling types listen, thinking types try find a solution. That is just how they function and how they will always function.

I am a thinking type, I try to help people find a solution. Mostly because I rarely FEEL anything but still want to help. When people are wanting some caring emotional fluff type response I really can't give it.

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I didn't ask for anything. I had a bad day and wanted to vent. That's all.

These women are my friends and supposedly know me very well. One I have been friends with for 40 years. The other, 14 years. (they do not know each other)

I don't think it is too much to expect that I should feel safe venting to them. Who knows, perhaps they complain to other people about my responses to their stuff too.

But I got my feelings hurt to be told by a woman who considers herself the ultimate in live and let live, that I was wrong to feel the way I did.

The other one, the one who always tells me what I should have done or should not have done, well I am used to that and guess I wasn't surprised to get that response.

But it really hurt to be told my feelings weren't valid by someone I trust with my heart and soul. That's the second time in the past four months that she has done this to me.

The last time, after mulling it over for a few days, I told her how hurt I was. SHE got hurt that I felt she had put me down, how could I ever think such a thing of her? But the fact remains that she did, and she did again yesterday.

So...I make allowances. I tell myself of course, she's got her own stuff to deal with, so perhaps she sees my problems as insignificant compared to hers (but that is hurtful too)

Or she just didn't think about what she was saying. That's what I thought last time, but when I brought it up her reaction was so..shocked that I would think such a thing of her, but....she still didn't see why I was hurt.

Earlier today I wrote to her and tried to explain myself better. I didn't say she hurt my feelings, I just kind of reiterated what had happened and why I felt the way I did. But she said the same thing again, that I was wrong feel the way I do.

So....whatever.

At least my catties love me unconditionally anyway.

.

No no, I think you might have missed my point (I tend not to make things very clear - so that's understandable). If these friends are not good for the type of sharing and the listening you need, maybe they're just not the ones you should go to for those problems? Save them and their input for when it will be more useful to you.

Surely you have someone who will listen and not judge you?

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

Good listeners are rare,

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Be cool my friend!...

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I know how that is, I hate when people do that. Thankfully most of my friends are pretty good listeners.
The last time I talked to a friend and tried to vent about something (how I was afraid about my grades this semester, he tried to tell me what I need to be doing

) I actually got so irritated that we had an argument and have never spoken since then..I don't feel bad about it either, I don't need people in my life who don't think I'm good enough as it is, I mean this was an issue before the argument too, he was always trying to tell me what I should be like, how I need to know what I want in life and I need to be more focused on achievements

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HA HA, I know what you mean! I dated a guy like that. He told me how I was the love of his life, but it was always:

I wish you lived closer, I wish you had a better job, I wish you didn't have cats, I wish you would lose some weight. My gosh! Not only that, he was always doubting me. No matter what I said it was always "are you sure?". I told him, when I say something I say it because I mean what I say so I do not need you to question me. But he didn't get it.

The last straw was, after yet another talk about how I only say what I mean, (and how I loved my job and wasn't going to quit it) we went out for ice cream.

I said I wanted a medium soft serve vanilla. He turned to me and said Are you sure? I said yes. He said, don't you want sprinkles on it? I said, through gritted teeth, no I don't want sprinkles I want a medium soft serve vanilla. he said Are you sure? Don't you want it dipped?

Well I blew my stack. I yelled "I SAID I WANT A (word omitted ) VANILLA SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM CONE, MEDIUM. NO! I DON'T WANT (word omitted) SPRINKLES AND NO! I DON'T WANT IT (word omitted) DIPPED. I WANT A MEDIUM SOFT SERVE VANILLA ICE CREAM CONE!

hehe, he was furious for embarrassing him at the Dairy Queen. But I'd had enough. I broke up with him shortly after that and guess what, he stalked me for months, what a surprise, eh? Sheesh.

Originally Posted by strange_wings

No no, I think you might have missed my point (I tend not to make things very clear - so that's understandable). If these friends are not good for the type of sharing and the listening you need, maybe they're just not the ones you should go to for those problems?

Save them and their input for when it will be more useful to you.

Surely you have someone who will listen and not judge you?

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They ARE the ones I go to when I need someone to listen. That's why I got my feelings hurt. I feel betrayed. Not by the one who always says what I "should have" done. by the one who has told me twice now, that I was wrong to feel the way I do. I don't get it and I feel very sad over it. I would have sworn I could trust my very heart and soul to her. <sigh> I must be missing something. There must be something wrong with me, that she would say something like that to me, and not understand that it was hurtful.

Maybe there's something going on in her life that has made her a little less understanding lately? Stress affects everyone. Without knowing details (which I don't want to know, I'm not asking!), I certainly don't know what's going on.

Pull back for a bit, lick your wounds and heal up. Hopefully you all remain friends and can get through this. Just know you may have to put pride aside if it was very bad - which is very tough to do, I know.

I understand EXACTLY how you are feeling, in fact I have a few friends who are the exact same way. Unfortunatly because of it, I have really pushed a lot of people away. I just find that sometimes being alone is better than dealing with unwanted advice or critisism. There is nothing more annoying than others trying to tell me how to live my life, even IF they are only trying to help. If I want help or advice, I will ask for it, but sometimes we all just need to vent, to know someone is there for us. Literally, if it were not for my bf, Dana, I would be alone with my kitties, and happily be known as the crazy cat lady for the rest of my life.

I understand fully. It's hard sometimes for me to listen to someone venting because I get so many ideas in my head on how to make them feel better. I usually end up saying stuff like "maybe you could refocus your thoughts onto something you really like to help yourself not be so down" or other suggestions like that. I do have a hard time just listening. I want to help the world, and fix issues. Probably because the issues I've been facing lately are completely out of my own control. They have been lying at the hands of a person who twists things that are said to make them mean and about her to gain sympathy and attention from my family, and turning them against me.

But.. I thank you for pointing that out, and the next time someone comes to me to vent, I will do my best to listen and not make suggestions.

As for telling you how you SHOULD have reacted, or what you SHOULD NOT have done, my DH does that to me all the time. I just ask him... and I'm going to go back into time and fix it how? Or say to him, it's done... I'm stupid, I make bad decisions, perhaps I should consult you next time before I do or say anything? (the second one is more when I am really angry and feeling bad) OR... I say, thanks for letting me vent, and listening.

It's hard to vent when people discount your feelings or tell you how you did wrong. I'm sorry for your friends not noticing they were doing more harm then good.

Be safe.

Unfortunately my DH is like this. Bless his heart that he wants to help, but it gets frustrating sometimes when I just want him to listen and maybe agree with me!.

Yes, women want the vent and emotional sharing; Men want to fix things.

However, I have a little of both. People have ALWAYS come to me for advice; and while I am a very sympathetic person and a good listener, I am also solution oriented.

BTW Otto - I would NEVER tell you HOW to feel about something. That is so very personal. When my sister died, some people said I should be over my grieving by now and just get on with my life. Who has the nerve to tell me HOW to grieve, HOW MUCH AND HOW LONG! I came to the conclusion that they had never been through something like this before, weren't very connected human beings AND didn't really know the right things to say... or maybe they had a misplaced sense of trying to help me.

I think I hung up on one of those people.