Friend's cat is near her end

cosabella

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Hi all. I have been lurking on this board for over a month now since I first found it. I have learned a lot about the proper care and nutrition of cats.

I was informed by my very good friend that her cat is near its end. She doesn't know whether it'll be today, tomorrow or next month. Her cat is 19y/o and suffers from kidney failure for the past year or so. She's weak and fragile, but still feisty.

I need advice on how to help her out during this time. I live in a different city. She has told me that when the time comes, she just wants to be alone for them to spend the last moments together. I have told her I understand.

My question is, what can I do? How do I express condolences beyond mere words? This cat is so precious to her. With all the sadness in her life, the cat has been her saving grace for 19 years. Throughout our 11 year friendship, the one thing I know is her deep, deep love for the kitty.

Do I send flowers? Not call her until she's ready to speak? What's the proper way for me to handle this without intruding upon her during this very difficult time?
 

katachtig

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I think flowers and or a card would be very fitting. I would also contact her on occasion to see how she is feeling. Also, encourage her to talk about her companion. When a feline member of the family is lost, too many times, those surrounding us don't really understand. "It was just a cat" can cut us to the bone. Realize that this is like any major loss. One isn't over it in a few days, months.

And the last thing I want to leave with you, don't push her to get another cat. Help her to be open to welcoming another feline as we've often seen members find new companions when they are ready. Almost as if their departed led the newcomer to them.
 
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cosabella

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Thank you, katachtig! Those are great advice. I do have a cat of my own whom I love dearly and I understand the pain she must be going through. My friend is the type that tends to shut out the world when she is in emotional pain. I know her cat's death will be very devastating.
 

bellaandme

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I am glad that you are a cat lover as well. Then you will realize not to discount her grief. It is a horrible loss and the pain is VERY real. Flowers and a card would be wonderful. Always be available to listen to her and respect her memories of her cat. I think you are a wonderful friend to be willing to go through this with her--even if it's long distance.
 

blueyedgirl5946

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Flowers and a card would be appreciated I am sure. Try to maintain contact. When my soulmate, Max, died in 2005, my best friend bought a Hibiscus that comes back every year. She told me to plant it by my porch where I always sat with my cats. She also told me name it the "Max Tree." Every winter we cover it with pine straw and it comes back in the spring. It is a comfort everytime I see it from my porch. You might consider something like that if she lives in a place where she has a yard. Another way you can encourage her is to tell her to write the cats life story. I did that and gave a copy with pictures to Max's former owner and to his vet. I didn't want to forget anything at all about Max and so I wrote it all down while it was fresh in my mind. I wanted the vet to know he was more than just a cat. Sometimes I get it out, read and cry, but that is okay. It was a healing for me to write it. Everybody needs a friend like you. God bless.
 

pookie-poo

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Your friend is so very lucky to have a caring friend like you!

Flowers or a card is very appropriate....I know that I received both when my Spooky died, and I appreciated the gestures from friends. Even though I didn't answer the phone much (let it go to the machine) friends did call and check on me now and then, and I appreciated it. When my parents' 19 year old cat died a couple of years ago, I made dinner and took it to them several times the first few weeks (but they only live a couple of blocks away.)

Talk to your friend ahead of time, and ask her if she'd like you to help or be there if she needs to make the decision for PTS...or if she has someone who can help if you are unable. I know that I would have never been able to do it alone with Spooky. My parents drove us to the vet, as I was a complete wreck with the decision, and totally lost after the fact.

And lastly, just be there for her when she is finally able to talk about it. Be a shoulder for her to cry on. It helps immensely to have someone who understands.
 

mews2much

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I agree flowers and a card would be nice.
I was sent cards when I lost some of my cats and e cards.
I know how she feels I have a 18 year old CRF cat.
 

krazy kat2

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A card and/or flowers would be very thoughtful. I don' know if you or her are the kind of people that need your space when you have a tragedy, but if she is, it may be a good idea to let her know that you are there for her if she needs you, but you will also give her the space she needs. (I hope that made sense, I am half asleep.) I find it comforting that I CAN pick up the phone, even if I never do.
I am so sorry her kitty is in such bad shape. She is lucky to have a friend like you.
 

maxiecat03

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Your are such a true friend. Flowers and a card would be so sweet. Also, even now...send her cards with a little chat about her kitty....telling your friend about an incidence that she might have shared with you....tell her how much you love her kitty, and how she makes you laugh when she used to do...such and such...just small stories you remember about her cat..either that she told you or you saw for yourself.

It will be very painful when her kitty passes away....and eventually that cloud of doom will lift, and there's nothing better in a grieving person's mind then when they know that their friends have fond memories of the kitty that they still love so deeply.

When you do call, do try to talk about her kitty with a little story. It will be difficult for your friend....and as we all know, the tears will start....but it reminds me of a quotation I once read....."I'd rather have tears upon hearing her name, then to never hear her name said again" (or words to that effect).

Letting your friend know that you care and will be 'there' for her...is the best way to deal with the emotions afterwards. She'll come around eventually and will be so appreciative of your kind and gentle support.
 

farleyv

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Really excellent advice. Ditto everything.

I was flipping through a book I have called "The Quotable Cat Lover" yesterday. One I kept coming back to and will give me some comfort down the road....

"If we feel sorry for the dying cat that cannot understand what is happening to it, we should remember that it has one enormous advantage over us: it has no fear of death, which is something we humans must carry with us throughout our long lives".

Maybe not in those words, but try to express this to her. What a free, happy life her cat had. Nothing but eat, sleep, love, and be loved. It certainly will take time.

Also, you and her could donate to research into kidney diseases of cats. Some good could come out of her despair. That may be a comfort too.

God bless you for being such a good friend, and her and her cat for the years they shared.
 

jcat

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Flowers and a card would be a very thoughtful gesture, as others have said. If you have any pictures of your friend's cat (maybe she has some posted on Facebook?), one or more in a digital photo frame would be a nice keepsake for her.
 
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