Am I being unreasonable?

jessy · Feb 23, 2010

Am I being unreasonable?
This is really driving me crazy!
Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve been with my boyfriend for 11 months. We live in the same village, not together. He doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t drive.
Heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a chef and heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s also in a band. The band have had a few local gigs and have one in London next month.
The band â€“ www.myspace.com/supercasinostyle
A vacancy for my dream job came up, so I applied. The only thing is, the job is in Oxford, which is 60 miles from where I live now.
I asked my boyfriend if he would move to Oxford with me, and the only thing stopping him is the band. I can understand that he has his family, his friends, his job in the village and doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to leave. But he says itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s not those, itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s the band that would stop him. He wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t want to let his friends down.
Itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s all academic at the moment as I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t even know if Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]ve got an interview for the job. However I already passed up applying for this job a couple of years ago as I was married and my husband wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t move. I canâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t not go for it this time.
So now Iâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]m in the position where I have to choose â€“ my boyfriend or my job 
Am I being unreasonable asking my boyfriend to move? He couldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t travel from Oxford to meet up with the band â€“ he says that wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t work. He works weekends so he says he couldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t visit me then.
Heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s showing he really wants to be with me â€“ heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s asked me to move in with him!
I need an outsiders opinion please!

bookworm · Feb 23, 2010

Sixty miles isn't all that far nowadays. Is there a reason that he cannot drive? My opinion is that if this is that important to you he should be able to find some compromise once the initial emotional reaction is over. If he doesn't even try to find one then I would wonder if he considers your happiness to be as important as his own.

trouts mom · Feb 23, 2010

Apply for the job.

It's important to you, and what makes his "band" more important than your dream job?

I say apply, and then if you get it, cross the bridge at that time.

-_aj_- · Feb 23, 2010

60 miles is commuting distance its nothing in the grand scheme of things, my dad travels all over the country everyday - when averaging it out hes travling 300miles a day from where we are in the north east down to liverpool, manchester up to the highlands in scotland.

Do you drive as you could stay where you are living and travel to your new place of work?

momofmany · Feb 23, 2010

If you don't apply and for some reason you and your BF's relationship doesn't work out, you will never forgive yourself, or at least forever wonder if you could have gotten it. Apply for it, and if you get it by chance, cross that bridge when you come to it.

ut0pia · Feb 23, 2010

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking him to move, but I think you can't expect him to move, you can only ask.
To you, his band may not seem all that important, but maybe to him it's just as important as your dream job would be.

jessy · Feb 23, 2010

Hi everyone

I applied for the job at the end of January, will find out today or tomorrow if I have an interview.
My b/f doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t drive as he had a driving ban almost 5 years ago and hasnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t bought a car again yet. He has his licence. He should be back on the road in May this year. I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t think he could afford the petrol to visit. Itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s a 2 hour journey â€“ so not that far, youâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]re right.

natalie_ca · Feb 23, 2010

Personally I do think you are being unreasonable.

First of all you have only been together as a couple for 11 months, that's a drop in a moment in time for a relationship. Secondly, you aren't living together.

You want to move because of a job. He doesn't want to move because of his band, which one day may become his job, who knows. Even the Rolling Stones started off as a local band at one time.

So far as the 60 mile commute goes. I know I sure wouldn't want to be driving 60 miles one way (120 miles return) every single day! I have better things to do with my time than sit in a car for 2 hours driving back and forth to my job and home every day.

It's not uncommon for people to end relationships because they have different goals. It's likely your relationship has reached a cross roads. That doesn't mean that you love each other any less. It just means that you are both in different places in life right now and your lives just don't mesh together. That stuff happens.

In that case, it's best to cut your losses and each move on remaining on good terms, and allow each other to be happy doing what you each want to do.

jessy · Feb 23, 2010

Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

Personally I do think you are being unreasonable.

First of all you have only been together as a couple for 11 months, that's a drop in a moment in time for a relationship. Secondly, you aren't living together.

You want to move because of a job. He doesn't want to move because of his band, which one day may become his job, who knows. Even the Rolling Stones started off as a local band at one time.

So far as the 60 mile commute goes. I know I sure wouldn't want to be driving 60 miles one way (120 miles return) every single day! I have better things to do with my time than sit in a car for 2 hours driving back and forth to my job and home every day.

It's not uncommon for people to end relationships because they have different goals. It's likely your relationship has reached a cross roads. That doesn't mean that you love each other any less. It just means that you are both in different places in life right now and your lives just don't mesh together. That stuff happens.

In that case, it's best to cut your losses and each move on remaining on good terms, and allow each other to be happy doing what you each want to do.

Thank you for being honest. I've never met anyone like this guy before, he's very special and I don't want to loose him. I am worried I'm being unfair on him.

otto · Feb 23, 2010

Originally Posted by Jessy

Thank you for being honest. I've never met anyone like this guy before, he's very special and I don't want to loose him. I am worried I'm being unfair on him.

What about being fair to yourself? You are both adults, still single, and free to pursue your own dreams.

Dream jobs do not come very often, and you've let the job go by once already, because of a man.

You want a job that will take you out of this village. He wants to stay in this village. It doesn't sound to me like you have the same goals and future in mind.

My advice? Go for the job. If you get it, take it. The rest will follow how it follows.

bellaandme · Feb 23, 2010

Please go for the job. And good luck!! Don't let this chance go by again--you've been given a second chance at your dream job. If you hold back this time it may lead to resentments toward your boyfriend. I understand a good relationship doesn't come along every day, but neither does a wonderful job. You have been supportive of his dreams (the band) now it's his turn to be supportive of you. And you have every right to expect that of him after 11years. He has a career as a chef so is the band a hobby? Does it actually have a future? I think you have to do what your heart tells you to do to be happy. If you don't you won't be happy in the relationship. GOOD LUCK

baloneysmom · Feb 23, 2010

Go for the job, 2 hours is nothing. My boyfriend and I spent a year being 18 hours apart LOL. A few boyfriends before him I dated a guy 1.5 hours away for a year. To be honest I think the distance made our relationship better. For my boyfriend now, the only thing we had was talking on the phone or online. We learned so much about each other because our relationship had so much communication it was all we had. Plus we missed each other all the time so the romance and passion was always there.

Itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s also a good test, if you guys survive a long distance relationship then you know heâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s the one for you. You both have your own importances in life and you both need to follow what you want. It doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t mean you canâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t be together while you try.

Good luck! Never let a man get in the way of your dream unless he is merged in your life like marriage or long term. One year really isnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t all that long. If this guy was really worth it he would do anything in his power to make it work long distance to respect your dreams in life.

addiebee · Feb 23, 2010

My BF and I have been together for nearly 6 years... and we live about 40 miles apart. He doesn't drive. We manage.

I would go for the job. You need to have something like this for your own self-esteem and self-respect. If he really cared about YOU he would support you in your efforts to better yourself. If I recall, your marriage was an abusive one and the ex - self-centered. You can correct me if I am wrong. Don't fall into the same trap of giving up yourself for a guy. Truly.

blueyedgirl5946 · Feb 23, 2010

In this economy, I think the job may take priority over the boyfriend. If he is a chef, he could find another job and a good musican could always find another band. I would feel insulted that his band friends and music took priority over the relationship.

jessy · Feb 23, 2010

Thank you everyone it's really good to hear everyone's views.

I'm still waiting to hear if I have an interview, I will keep you all posted

fisheater · Feb 23, 2010

Apply for the job.

If you get it, would you consider moving somewhere in between the two, so its 30 miles to work, and 30 miles to see your boyfriend. Thirty miles drive to work is very reasonable in my opinion. And you'd still be close enough to see your boyfriend too.

rockcat · Feb 23, 2010

Originally Posted by ut0pia

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking him to move, but I think you can't expect him to move, you can only ask.
To you, his band may not seem all that important, but maybe to him it's just as important as your dream job would be.

I think this is exactly right.

jcat · Feb 23, 2010

Originally Posted by fisheater

Apply for the job.

If you get it, would you consider moving somewhere in between the two, so its 30 miles to work, and 30 miles to see your boyfriend. Thirty miles drive to work is very reasonable in my opinion. And you'd still be close enough to see your boyfriend too.

Should you decide to move in together, you could split the difference and both have a 30-mile commute.

baloneysmom · Feb 23, 2010

Originally Posted by jcat

Should you decide to move in together, you could split the difference and both have a 30-mile commute.

Thats a great idea! You can always tell how great a guy is when they actually will go out of their way for you becasue they love you that much.

natalie_ca · Feb 23, 2010

Originally Posted by otto

You want a job that will take you out of this village. He wants to stay in this village. It doesn't sound to me like you have the same goals and future in mind.

My advice? Go for the job. If you get it, take it. The rest will follow how it follows.

Yes. Exactly

Am I being unreasonable?

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