I have no clue what to title this.... Hi? (umm. Long/personal/motivational I hope)

I was going to write this is the positive post, but as I continued writing I decided it warranted its own thread.

This all started because I wanted to post my positives, so here you go:

- I sit here one handed, loss of my dominant hand for the next few months. Stiches come out on Monday, then the real work begins.

- I have just successfully come through a medication issue on my own again, and it in itself has opened my eyes. This is not my first time, and I doubt it will be the last either.

- The support I've had thru above issue has been amazing. From existing friends, msgs on here, on FB, the support has been overwhelming. I didn't realise that I touched that many people, and am so thankful that what goes around comes around because each and every thought/prayer/vibe has helped me SUCCEED in this latest ordeal.

- Last night I slept.... 2 periods of over 3hrs. First time in 7 days. YES, you read that right. I have not slept longer than 20min intervels due to #1.

- My head is clear, my eyes are open, and just for that I am thankful.

I don't mean to sound bitter or anything like that....but anyone who can get sleep at night (more than 20mins at a time), has a bed to sleep in, a roof over their head, a person that cares about them

has A LOT to be thankful for.

A person that is healthy in most aspects, has A LOT to be thankful for.
A person that does NOT have to deal with chronic pain, has A LOT to be thankful for.


My point, not like many listen, is simple: OPEN YOUR EYES people. Look around you. I can bet that you have SOMETHING to be thankful for. A meal, a bed, a family member, a dollar in your pocket, the AIR in your lungs.

It took not a nice week for me to open my eyes. I can only HOPE that my post has inspired one person to look around, and in a day and age where there are a lot of struggles, find something to be thankful for.

Even if its just being able to read.

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My medication "issue", is that in order for me to have a semi normal life, I need the assistance of prescription pain medications, and have since I injured my back almost 5yrs ago.

Anyone who know even the littlest bit about narcotics, knows the struggles.

At one point in my life, way way prior to this injury, I led a few yrs of addictions.... yes plural. I beat those demons, and went on to lead a clean life.

Then I became injured, suffering chronic pain that at times is nothing worse that a strained muscle to excrutiating, horrible, unable to function pain. I take painkillers on an as needed basis.

I know myself well, and watch very very carefully for signs of physical dependence. For those that don't understand the difference between physical dependence or drug tolerance VS being an addict, that is a different post and I believe I've addressed it previously. There is a HUGE difference between taking pills to feel good vs taking pills because your quality of life is 0 without them. I will not get on that soapbox right now.

Anyways, with my recent surgery, my docs did NOT increase my pain meds.... so I had to take the ones I have on the clock, every 3-4hrs just to take the slightest of edges off. In a matter of 3-4 days, my body became dependent on those meds, and instead of me taking them as needed, I was taking them every 3-4hrs. because my body was telling me to.

As soon as I saw this, I went off of them. Cold turkey. Took my last dose Feb.13 at 7am. 4 days after surgery. I have spent this past week in withdrawal. Wed/Thurs were the hump days. Last night was the first night in a wk that I slept more than 20mins at a time.

( this by the way is #3 in a matter of 7-8mos. The first one was my docs fault when he cold turkied me off of one, put me on a lesser equivalent dosage of a stronger med....leading me into #1. #2 was just a month after that and now 6mos later. The two last ones were MY choice. I REFUSE to let my life be dictated by pills )

Today, my eyes are OPEN. Wide wide OPEN. I realised that I am not getting younger, that doing this is hard on my body and may eventually kill me, and that I do NOT want to keep having to do this. But these types of meds, will have a place in my life on a long term basis of that there is no question, unless I want to resign myself to being housebound, curled up in a ball of agony, unable to do the most basic of tasks.

I've realised that this med is NOT the med for me, and will be doing what I can to get that changed.

*end of medication issue*
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But most of all, my eyes have opened to EVERYTHING. To my darling husband, my 2 beautiful daughters, my life, my wishes, just everything.

I am THANKFUL to be alive. Yes my life is not one of sustance. I do not have the ability to work, to do "normal" wifely duties, to do "normal" mom stuff. BUT, I have life and in it I have love, friends, people near and far.

I don't want your sympathy, I don't need any justification/respect/suggestions/nada from you. I'm doing good....because my eyes are open, my head is clear, and for the first time in a while, ALL is well in my life.

What I want, my reason for writing this:

to hopefully get people to open their eyes to what is POSITIVE around them. When you feel down, take a look around, open your eyes and see the beauty that surrounds you.... Be thankful you have the ability to open your mouth and breath in some fresh air.

If I can make one person smile, one person say "yeah she's right", if one person opens their eyes to what we HAVE rather than don't have, then the hours I spent struggling to type this out, will not be a waste.

Be strong folks, be strong. Life is not a destination but a journey, and its YOUR choice how you decide to lead that.

And yes, lastly, I will use this one: If I can overcome all that I have in my mere 33yrs, then ANYONE can overcome their struggles.

May love, confidence and self worth find you all.

You are one tough lady, and I admire your honesty. It sounds as if you've been to hell and back, and managed not only to survive the journey but to make it a life affirming trip. If I could, I'd give you a big, big hug and tell you how proud I am of you.
And thank you for pointing out to me that even tho' there is major turmoil in my life right now, I still have loads of things to be thankful for.
Stay strong---and enjoy your new life

You are the strongest person i know Chris with all you have been through, going through and will go through with your surgery i spend my time amazed at your posts with how positive you are

im so proud to know you, i know different countries and stuff but hey stuff it.

Im so pleased your feeling better with everything and your finally sleeping!

and YES you are right its took me a couple of months to realise how lucky i am and i thank you for that

Chris, you have my respect and my admiration!


I wish to God that I could see these same words written by my sister...


~~~Hugs to you~~~

Pookie Poo: I wish the same for your sister.

AJ: Sometimes it takes others pointing out things before we can see them ourselves Oceans/countries/whatever. You are only an email away as far as I'm concerned.

Libby74: Thank you for your kind words, but mostly, thank you for taking the time to realise there are things in your lifes turmoils that are positive.

More times than not, I need to pick the smallest, wee thing of a positive to give me a reason to get out of bed. Whether it be a kitty purr, a roof over my head, food in my fridge (might not be a lot but I am not hungry).....

or a beautiful day outside like it was here.

I often need a kick in the bum to see what I do have, this time, I gave it to myself (hurt but well worth it)

Chris, you and Gary are truly the strongest people I know. I know so closely what you've been through (without the surgery and the loss of use of one hand!) because of Gary's experiences.... only you didn't have me by your side.

You have so much to be proud of, and that you can see all you have to be thankful for despite all the intense challenges in your life is truly an inspiration.

As you said - life is not a destination, it is a journey - and I see in you and in Gary that love is not only an intransitive verb, it is also a way of being.

The world is a richer, better place for having you in it, and I am thankful for that. !!!!!

Chris you are absolutely right that we should be grateful and thankful for what we have and for who we have.



Keep hanging in there friend.

Chris, you truly are an inspiration!

I am working very hard myself to become more positive, and to focus more on the GOOD things instead of dwelling on the negative. You are wonderfu... I can only hope to be as strong as you are.

Oh yeah my motto is "there is someone worse off then me". I have been to hell and back in the last weeks and I don't wish that upon anybody.

Step dad had a stroke, lost my Mummy cat Tales, lost her daughter and my biggest tragedy at all is the kitten who died when I accidentally stood on his head. I can handle addiction, surgery whatever but I cannot live with this guilt. But again I've got life better then some people - so I am thankful. RIP Tales, Angelina & Stilton.

* I mean no disrespect Chris with what you are going through but anything less then death to me at the moment seems manageable *

Chris,

You are a very strong person and I agree with you. You remind me of my mom who never gave up no matter how much pain she suffered from and so I know that if she went through all of that, I can't give up either. Because nothing I will go through will ever compare to what she did.

I think you are very humble and brave to be able to put yourself out there. You have many dear friends including myself.

Even if I am down I have learned to appreciate things such as my health, in particular. I have chronic pain, but I try to work around it.

There are many things I am grateful for and sometimes they come a day at a time. That is all we know and all we can expect.

I hope you continue to find strength and courage because what you are going through is not easy, but with support it makes life so much more livable.

Chris, this thread is just further proof that you are an amazing person and you really mean a lot to each and every one of us. You're an inspiration for us all. Whenever we need a friend we all feel we can turn to you for advice and help. I'm thankful for having a home, having my cats, food, water, and all the little things, but I'm most thankful for getting to know you and the other people on this site. You guys are amazing and I love you all.

Originally Posted by WellingtonCats

Oh yeah my motto is "there is someone worse off then me". I have been to hell and back in the last weeks and I don't wish that upon anybody.

Step dad had a stroke, lost my Mummy cat Tales, lost her daughter and my biggest tragedy at all is the kitten who died when I accidentally stood on his head. I can handle addiction, surgery whatever but I cannot live with this guilt. But again I've got life better then some people - so I am thankful. RIP Tales, Angelina & Stilton.

* I mean no disrespect Chris with what you are going through but anything less then death to me at the moment seems manageable *

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I'm not out to compare Sam.

We all have our own battles.

I posted to hopefully inspire someone, not battle who has it worse because death? To a person in chronic physical debilitating pain would be welcome sometimes. Everyone has there own demons Sam, and with all due respect, I say the above and refuse to enter a battle over who has it worse, because I know darn well there's many people that have it worse than me, and many people who have it worse than you.






Thanks for "getting it" folks

I am very glad I took the time to write, like I said, even if one person pauses and takes a look around them to see the beauty, the positives, then my reasonings for posting have been justified.

I wish everyone the strength to battle whatever demons they may have, struggles, hardships, and the ability to look thru your tears, pain, anger, and see something beautiful, something positive.

CHris, you are doing incredibly well and it is amazing that you are able to stand back and look at yourself and understand what you have been through and how to deal with it. It takes a strong person to look at themselves so honestly and dispassionately. Stick in there, girl, we are all with you.

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

I'm not out to compare Sam.

We all have our own battles.

I posted to hopefully inspire someone, not battle who has it worse because death? To a person in chronic physical debilitating pain would be welcome sometimes. Everyone has there own demons Sam, and with all due respect, I say the above and refuse to enter a battle over who has it worse, because I know darn well there's many people that have it worse than me, and many people who have it worse than you.

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I don't think Sam was really out to compare either...I think she was saying that right now she's in a very dark place, and having a hard time seeing out of it. It was a cry out of pain, not a comparison of who has it worse.

You are an amazing person and though you write you don't have a normal lifestyle your life has positively touched ALOT of people. Words cannot adequately express my admiration for you.

Your positivity (is that a word?) reminds me of when I dropped some of my husbands clothes off at the local Salvation Army's Men's closet. They are looking for interview and job apparel and when I drooped the bags off I mentioned to the lady who accepted them that we had more but some of them showed a bit of wear. She said that for someone who has no clothes a bit of war on clothing doesn't bother them. I never though it that way so when I donate now any items I will be keeping that info in mind.

Originally Posted by clixpix

I don't think Sam was really out to compare either...I think she was saying that right now she's in a very dark place, and having a hard time seeing out of it. It was a cry out of pain, not a comparison of who has it worse.

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I expect you're right Kelly, and Sam didn't mean to offend - she said so. It also can be difficult to say what you mean properly especially when you're in pain, emotionally or physically. ...but as someone who loves and lives with someone to whom waking up means torture and agony on a daily basis, and to whom death would be a welcome release, it's kind of hard to hear someone say that "anything but death is manageable" in a way that implies physical pain is always manageable, whether or not they meant no offense. To some people, nothing but death seems manageable, and looking for even one reason to keep going can be so important.

Either way - whether we need positives to keep us from death, or positives to help us from the hurt of death in our lives, Chris's point is appropriate.

And Sam, I'm so sorry you're hurting so much.

I also think it's wonderful that through all the darkness you're in right now, you're able to want to chime in and say "yes, there are positives in my life."

Originally Posted by GailC

You are an amazing person and though you write you don't have a normal lifestyle your life has positively touched ALOT of people.

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And that would be partially why I write I know other people's lives have impacted me, posts/msgs/sentences dramatically at times...... and I'm glad to know it isn't for nothing.

Your positivity (is that a word?) reminds me of when I dropped some of my husbands clothes off at the local Salvation Army's Men's closet. They are looking for interview and job apparel and when I drooped the bags off I mentioned to the lady who accepted them that we had more but some of them showed a bit of wear. She said that for someone who has no clothes a bit of war on clothing doesn't bother them. I never though it that way so when I donate now any items I will be keeping that info in mind.

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Now THAT is a good point actually. I know I donate things that have a little wear, only because I've boughten them..... pr of pants for 0.25 vs $2 because of some wear on the knees....otherwise still good pants. Yup.

Good point Gail.

I didn't come here for an argument Chris - I just gathered through your post that you wanted us to see the positives in our lives despite the negatives that are happening. I quoted two sections of your post below that kind of stemmed my original reply. It's not a competition - absolutely not!

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

A person that does NOT have to deal with chronic pain, has A LOT to be thankful for.



And yes, lastly, I will use this one: If I can overcome all that I have in my mere 33yrs, then ANYONE can overcome their struggles.

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Chris, I'm so glad that you're doing well....and despite (or perhaps because of) everything, you really are doing well. I'm so impressed by you and how you feel and think. You are an amazing woman.

Sam, my heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry you're going through this and I know that you've been through so much. I truly hope that things will get better for you.

You are very strong Chris. I'm really glad to see that you're doing well, and your post has definitely inspired me to look at things in a more positive light. What you wrote reminded me of a girl I knew in high school, she got in a car accident and lost her arm..and everyone at school was very sympathetic and sent her lots of gifts at the hospital but she kept saying there is no need for sympathy, it's just an arm,and she should be thankful and happy that she is still alive. She was so much wiser than all of us, who were thinking that losing an arm is the worst thing that can happen.
So many of us worry about the smallest things, but sometimes it's hard to break away from that mindset unless something bad happens and puts it in perspective.