Personal advice sought

addiebee

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Not furniture this time.


My boyfriend and I have been going out for nearly 6 years. I do love and care about him and more often than not enjoy his company. We have been through a lot together. And we have both grown and learned a lot in this relationship.

But........

I have been feeling, well, ambivalent about the relationship for a long time. I feel like the flame has gone completely out - on my part at least - I am going through the motions.

We squabble ... a lot. I harbor some resentments - things that I cannot change - like his visual impairment and how that places extra strain on me as the non-blind partner. And those resentments often bubble to the surface inappropriately. Like tonight's quarrel.

My bf is a good man. He is honest, hard working and ethical. He loves me.. .at least I think he still does ... not sure as I sit here and type. We can and do get on each others nerves.


A part of me wants to end it... I am afraid to let go of it... and I am afraid of hurting him. He doesn't have the emotional support and resources that I do.

I feel stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like everyone's caregiver (Mom, properties, cats, etc.) but no one shows me any mercy. I know I have put myself in this position. But I often feel as though this relationship is more of a burden than a refuge for me emotionally. Especially lately.

He does try. He helps around the house. He does dishes. He is really nice to my mom who drives him crazy. He puts up with my nonsense. But I am just not "feeling" it anymore.


There isn't anyone else. Heck - I am not exactly hot stuff - a fat, middle-aged broad with a wagonload of baggage. So it's not like I have guys knocking down my door. (Frankly it has never been like that.)

So - I am at an impasse. I feel better by putting this in writing, but no closer to resolving the situation. I know no one out there has the answer, really. But any advice from folks who are not emotionally entangled in the situation might be helpful.

Thanks.

AB
 

ut0pia

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I'm so sorry your relationship isn't going too well...
I can't really offer advice, I think ultimately you have to decide on your own. Other people can relat and tell you what they would do in this situation, but it's different for everyone.
I went through a similar phase late last year with my boyfriend of four years, for months at a time things just didn't seem right, there was no spark just like you put it! I sought some advice on TCS too, and also from all of my friends, I bored them to death talking about this.....it seemed like almost everyone said they would just move on and end it.
We broke up, I broke up with him, and I felt like such a mess without him, it was the worst time in my life. We were apart for a few months, and now I feel like the best decision I ever made was go back to him. Being apart from him put things in perspective, it made me see what I took for granted earlier, the deep unconditional trust we have between each other, being able to look at each other and know exactly what the other is feeling... I am so glad he didn't give up on me and stayed there for me.
 

natalie_ca

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I know no one out there has the answer, really. But any advice from folks who are not emotionally entangled in the situation might be helpful.

So - I am at an impasse. I feel better by putting this in writing, but no closer to resolving the situation.
You don't need advice. You've already answered your own question. Re-read the following as if they were said by your best friend. And hon? They are. We are each our own best friends.


I have been feeling, well, ambivalent about the relationship for a long time. I feel like the flame has gone completely out - on my part at least - I am going through the motions.

We squabble ... a lot. I harbor some resentments - things that I cannot change - like his visual impairment and how that places extra strain on me as the non-blind partner. And those resentments often bubble to the surface inappropriately. Like tonight's quarrel.

He loves me.. .at least I think he still does ... not sure as I sit here and type.

A part of me wants to end it

I feel stuck. I feel trapped. I feel like everyone's caregiver (Mom, properties, cats, etc.) but no one shows me any mercy. I know I have put myself in this position. But I often feel as though this relationship is more of a burden than a refuge for me emotionally. Especially lately.

I am just not "feeling" it anymore.

There isn't anyone else. Heck - I am not exactly hot stuff - a fat, middle-aged broad with a wagonload of baggage. So it's not like I have guys knocking down my door. (Frankly it has never been like that.)

... I am afraid to let go of it... and I am afraid of hurting him. He doesn't have the emotional support and resources that I do.
That is the crux of the problem right there. You are down on yourself because of your looks: You have low self-esteem and would rather stay in an unsatisfying relationship instead of being out on your own and risking not finding someone else.

Those are not good reasons to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Neither is staying out of guilt because you don't want to hurt the other person or because they seemingly don't have "emotional resources" to help them through.

Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first and do what is right for us personally.

You already know what to do. And you want to do it. You just need to take the step and do it.
 

starryeyedtiger

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I'm not sure about your religious views sweetie, but I definitely think that these two books could really help!
(You don't have to be married to read them; both are great). You have a lot of time and love invested in the relationship...I would try to work things out before deciding to throw in the towel. At least that way you know reguardless of how things work out down the road that you absolutely did try and you will never have a doubt eithor way


The Love Dare http://thelovedarebook.com/

The Five Love Languages http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Lang.../dp/1881273156

In a side note, I have been married and divorced and have FINALLY found my true love. To be honest, my marriage was a nightmare...(lots of abuse and mistreatment....I was miserable.) I tried going to couples counseling and doing those books. Those really helped me put my mind at ease that I was making the right decision to leave. I knew after I had tried EVERYTHING possible on my part, that sometimes the answer is to make a new life for yourself. It's tough, but it can work. At one point I really thought I would never date again or love again...I couldn't have been more wrong though! Jack waltzed into my life and now I really know what true love should be like (it'll be 9 months for us on the 18th & I couldn't be happier.) My point is, that if I were in your shoes, I would try a little bit more...consider the books. If it works and things improve and you are happy- then that would be amazing! If it doesn't work and you know you tried, your heart and mind will be at peace. Only you can make that decision sweetie, just know that you have people here on TCS that care about you and are here to support you!
 

mawilouwl

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AB, I cannot give you any real advice, because I know so little about your situation. But I know that what you are going through is really hard. I've been in this type of situation only a few months ago with my fiance. What I did is let it all out. We talked a lot, cried and yelled. We thought about ending the relationship. Then something happened. We both realized after being appart for only one day what we would be missing if we ended it. Sometimes, it's really over. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of why we do all these sacrifices. One thing is sure, you will need to tell him how you feel one day or another. In my opinion, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to save the relationship. You should not be scared because you think he will be sad. He will be more sad if you don't tell him, because he will feel you drifting away instead, don't you think? Truly, I don't know much. I am young and haven't had much experience in this field. I am sure other members here will give better advice. I hope you find a way to resolve the situation.
 

carolina

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Originally Posted by Natalie_ca

That is the crux of the problem right there. You are down on yourself because of your looks: You have low self-esteem and would rather stay in an unsatisfying relationship instead of being out on your own and risking not finding someone else.

Those are not good reasons to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Neither is staying out of guilt because you don't want to hurt the other person or because they seemingly don't have "emotional resources" to help them through.

Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first and do what is right for us personally.

You already know what to do. And you want to do it. You just need to take the step and do it.

Couldn't said any better... You FIRST Addie... You first! Plus Addie, how can you take care of anybody else if you are not well? If you don't take care of yourself first?
I haven't been in a (traditional) relationship in a long time, and quite frankly, rather have it this way anytime, then having a relationship where I feel trapped... I simply can not do that anymore...
Please Addie... you deserve So much better than that

We will all be here to support you
 
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addiebee

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Originally Posted by Mawilouwl

AB, I cannot give you any real advice, because I know so little about your situation. But I know that what you are going through is really hard. I've been in this type of situation only a few months ago with my fiance. What I did is let it all out. We talked a lot, cried and yelled. We thought about ending the relationship. Then something happened. We both realized after being appart for only one day what we would be missing if we ended it. Sometimes, it's really over. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded of why we do all these sacrifices. One thing is sure, you will need to tell him how you feel one day or another. In my opinion, the longer you wait, the harder it will be to save the relationship. You should not be scared because you think he will be sad. He will be more sad if you don't tell him, because he will feel you drifting away instead, don't you think? Truly, I don't know much. I am young and haven't had much experience in this field. I am sure other members here will give better advice. I hope you find a way to resolve the situation.
I highlighted something important here. He is not stupid. He is very smart and he said to me a few weeks ago that he keeps getting the feeling that I am thiiiiissss close to "kicking him to the curb." You are right. He and I - we need to talk.
 

Winchester

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I can't give you any advice. I'm sorry you're going through this.

What I can do is suggest some kind of counseling for both of you. Don't laugh; sometimes it can help. (And yes, I know that, right now, I sound like Dear Annie or something)

DH and I went through some counseling many years ago because we were drifting apart. It took awhile, but we did get back on track. And now, about every 3 years or so, we'll go back to the counselor, just to make sure we have our heads on straight. Even good relationships can benefit sometimes.
 

kailie

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Hun, one thing I have learned is that life is FAR too short to settle for something less than AMAZING. I married young. I had super low self esteem and got into a relationship and tried to escape from a lot of things. We amicably seperated, but when we did I promised myself that I was NOT going to settle and that I DESERVED to be head over heels in love. I DESERVED real happiness. Well I found it.
Dana is the best thing that has ever happened to me, my true soulmate. Whatever you decide, do it for YOU. If YOU are not happy then it is time to move on. So many people stay in relationships for the wrong reasons.
 

marie-p

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It sounds to me like you are emotionally exhausted.

I get like that sometimes because my boyfriend often faces very stressful work situations or bad health and I find it hard not to be stressed when he is. It can be very draining. Then I get resentful and I feel guilty about it. Luckily, I have a very flexible schedule and I am able to spend a relaxing day at home once in a while to wind down.

I know your situation is different, but maybe you just need a bit of time to yourself. Even if it's just one evening a week where you're home alone and you just have fun and relax. I'm not sure if it will help bring the 'spark' back, but it's really hard to see things clearly if you are emotionally drained.

Therapy is another option.

Of course this is all up to you, but if you don't want to give up on the relationship, I would try talking to him, figuring out what you need and then see if things can get better.
 

ldg

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The question you need to answer is... is the spark gone? Or just buried under the issues?

Yes - you need to talk to him.


I so totally agree with Kailie. I was previously married, and I was never head-over-heels in love and knew it before I married him. I wasn't committed to the relationship, but had to find the place in myself where I wanted to be independent. In fact - we did try marriage counseling. After our very first session, the counselor said "There's no relationship here. There's nothing to counsel together. I need to see you individually."


Bottom line - I had self-esteem issues. Focusing on those, I got to a place where I didn't want to settle for anything less than I deserved - and staying in a stale relationship was not the thing to do. I totally forgot about men in general, and worked on finding that place in myself where I truly believed I deserved to be happy.

But it sounds to me from your post like maybe the problem isn't BF or the relationship - but one of communication - you with yourself, and you two with each other.
I don't know that you should just dump the relationship and walk away.

I do know you deserve to be happy and should settle for nothing less than, as Kailie puts it, AMAZING.
What you have to sort out is - where is the problem? Is it that you don't love BF? Is it that you need some time and space and need to focus on Addie for a while?

I found that when I worked on my issues, the relationship issues fell into place and answers became clear.

 

larussa

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Happiness, that is what's most important. Ask yourself 'am I happy', if the answer is no you just have to move on. I have seen so many women who are not happy in their marriages but they find any excuse to stay married. Eventually many years later they do divorce and wasted a lot of good years where they may have met another person to share their life with.

If you are truly not happy in the relationship, think really hard and make a decision. You have to think of your own life and now is the time to do it, don't waste any more of your life as so many women and men do.
 

swampwitch

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Personally, I would first work on a good relationship to make it great. I wouldn't abandon it as the first step. The next guy will have a different set of issues, there will always be problems. But if he's a good man and you love him, perhaps he's worth some effort.

You need to make changes and also start communicating what you need, want, and expect from your bf and the relationship. I'd start by having a date night with him. It doesn't have to fancy or expensive, just some time together with no computers or phones. Maybe take a walk together and stop for coffee, or make dinner romantic and play scrabble together.

If you want a situation to change, you have to change something that you are doing. That might mean leaving if you need to figure things out by yourself. I hope you work it all out sooner rather than later.


"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." - Albert Einstein
 

baloneysmom

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Sorry to hear you are going through so much. I donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t really have all that much advice since I am learning about relationship issues and how to share my life with someone else… for a long period of time. I just really wanted to give you some vibes because I know where you are coming from and I know how bad it sucks.

Good luck hun.
 

goldenkitty45

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Living with someone a long time and having to end things is really hard. Most feel they would rather stay then to risk being alone and having to start over - so they remain with the person and waste their lives wishing things were different.

As hard as it will be, sit down and ask yourself this one question "is this the person I can picture myself being with the next 40 or 50 yrs and BEING HAPPY with them?" If the answer is no, then you know you have to end things.
 

mawilouwl

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I hope whatever you do you find peace and happiness.
One other thing I did with my fiance is write down a little contract. We both wrote a list of everything we did not like about the other. Then, we read it to each other and discussed it (what we could change, what we felt we could not because it was our personality, what we were willing to let go and what we could accept). Then we made a contract with everything that was said and gave us a time limit that we were comfortable with to see if there were positive changes. It worked out well for us, but if it hadn't, at least we would've let it out and try to fix it.

 

-_aj_-

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Originally Posted by SwampWitch

You need to make changes and also start communicating what you need, want, and expect from your bf and the relationship. I'd start by having a date night with him. It doesn't have to fancy or expensive, just some time together with no computers or phones. Maybe take a walk together and stop for coffee, or make dinner romantic and play scrabble together.
i think thats good advice, me and blaine felt like we were heading no where quickly when we were living together doing the same thing day in day out so we started going on 'dates' again and we still are, its made us stronger as a couple

the main thing in any relationship is being able to communicate with each other
 

blueyedgirl5946

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Ask yourself this question. Is the the man I want to wake up next to every day for the rest of my life. Do I really love him or am I just staying in this relationship because it is comfortable. In your heart, you know the answers. You need to follow your heart, not your head.
I am in my seond marriage. The first lasted 15 years and ended in a terrible divorce. There was one child. She and I both still live with the results of divorce. My marriage now has last 32 years and this man is wonderful. But he also has a child of a first marriage. Believe me the results of divorce are everlasting. It is far better to get it right the first time.
 

nance

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I have no advice really since what your going thru sounds exactly what I am going thur at the moment ....sounds like the same boat .....
 
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