My Sweet Maverick: the Love of My Life

I've been dreading this day, but sadly, it has come.

I had to have my Maverick put to sleep today. I can't go into details right now because I'm too incoherent: I can barely right because I'm bawling so hard that I can't see straight.He was the most sweetest, loving cat I've ever had, and it broke my heart to have to make the decision, but it was the humane thing to do. I just hope he can forgive me.

I love you so much, Maverick. I hope you're at peace now and no longer suffering. You will always be in my heart.

RIP, sweet baby. Mommy will never forget you.

Maverick: February 1995 - Jan. 4, 2010.

Oh God this is just killing me. I keep thinking did I do the right thing? Could more have been done to maybe keep his alive longer? The vet said that his kidneys & liver were strating to shut donw and he was showing signs of juandice and he was starting to become dyhydrated - even though his heart was still strong. He was barely eating anything anymore and was staring to become weak: there wasn't much left to him but skin & bones. But he still look as if he wanted to live: I could still see life in his eyes. I don't know if I did the right thing or not! I couldn't stand to see him suffering anymore.

Oh God Maverick - please forgive me! I'm so sorry!!

That's a promise I always make to my babies too. When I took him in for his latest treatment last week I promised him that if there wasn't any improvemt beifore the next treatment was due, i would not let him go on like that nymore. He had one or tow "good" days, then started to decline again. I think I know in my heart that I did what was right for him - and the vet confirmed it - but oh God it hurts so much! Maverick was my comfort when things were bad: he was always there to love me and comfort me. He used to burrow under the covers with me at night to comfort me, and tuck his head in the crook of my arm while holding him and give me kitty kisses when times were hard. I feel so lost without him. I have ten other kitties in the house, but it still feels empty.

Oh Maverick, I hope you understand why I had to let you go.

Thank you so much everyone for caring & understanding. It means so much to me - more than you'll ever know.

I could barely sleeep last night, adn when I did, I kept having nightmares of my precious Maverick asking me why I let him go. I know that's probabyly stupid because I'm sure he's happy to not be suffering anymore. But this guilt is just eating at me. What IF it wasn't his time yet? Who am I to "play God" and make that decision????

I'm trying to stay busy so I won't think about it so much, but everywhere I go I see him in the house. There are pictures eveywhere and soooo maby memories of him. When I went to feed the kids their breakfast I started to prepare Maverick's special food for him, then realized he wasn't here. I went to get some laundry ready to wash, and started thinking about how he used to love laying in the laundry basket. I went to get a sponge from under the sink, and realized that he liked sleeping under there too. He's just everywhere in this house that he love so much. He was so happy here.

I wish this pain would just go away. I love him so darn much.

That's why I rarely ever visited the RBB forum - because it tears me up so much to come here and see everyone's pain. God only knows I've had to face this myself more than once, and readiing about how much it hurts just brings back painful memories. I knew I'd have to come here again some day, but oh my God - how I was dreading that day.

Maverick was my "soulmate" too, PookiePoo, so I know exactly how you feel about your Spooky. God only knows how much we love all our furkids, but there's only one soulmate that comes along in a lifetime, and there's no replacing them.

My entire body aches this morning from crying so much. When I first got up, I thought I had a better grip on everything, but when it started to sink in again, I lost it again - especially when I went to feed the kids their breakfast. I keep looking around the house for him like he's still here. It doesn't seem possible that he's gone - especially after 15 years. How could those years have gone by so quickly? It seems like just yesterday that he came into my life. We went through so much together: he & Gabriel were my "rock" when I moved to Texas and brought them with me, and they gave me the strength I needed when I was going thru hell with the abusive ex. If it weren't for them, I dont think I would have gotten thru that horrible time. I know that probably sounds crazy, but it's the truth. They (especially Maverick) gave me the strength I needed to keep on going. The only thing that makes this more bearable is the fact that I knew Maverick wasn't going to be with me much longer and I had time to prepare myself (if that's even possible). I've been grieving for several weeks now already.

I keep thinking of that movie Million Dollar Baby and how Hillary Swank was begging Clint Eastwood to end her suffering by helping her to die. I can understand why he didn't want to do it. I can't even imagine how people who have to make the decision to unhook the machines from a loved one who's dying can do so without feeling that horrible guilt of wondering if they did the "right" thing.

My poor Gabriel is wandering around the house looking for his buddy. He & Maverick grew up together. I'm sure he's grieving, too.

I apologize for rambling. I guess I just need to get it out.

Thanks so much everyone for being there to listen.

Oh my God I so know what you mean!! I was thinking this afternoon about how Maverick was looking at me with those eyes of his when the vet was doing his final exam on him and he looked as if he was thinking "When can we go home, Mom??" He thought he was just there for another treatment, and here I was "betraying" him - that's how I felt. He trusted me, and I feel like I betrayed his trust. How can he ever forgive me??

I'm so sorry you lost your "soulmate" too. 18 days isn't that long at all, and I can understand why you're still grieving. I don't think I'll be over this anytime soon myself. I have 10 other furkids in the house myself, but it still seems so empty without my beloved soulmate Maverick. There never was and never will be another special kitty like him.

I forgot to post Maverick's pic in the original post and I couldn't edit it so I'm posting it here:



You're so beautiful, my precious baby boy, and you'll always be in my heart. I love you so much.

Oh God - this just sucks!

I keep thinking about the vet saying that Maverick still had a strong heart, and maybe if I would have let him run some more tests that just maybe Maverick still could have had another chance. What if I let him go too soon?? What if more could have been done for him?? I keep seeing his beautifyl eyes looking up at me when they were preparing him to put him to sleep, and wanting me to take him home. What if it really wasn't his time to go yet?? I felt at peace and like I did do the right thing when I had to have other babies put to sleep, but not with Maverick. Soemthing keeps nagging at me that it wasn't his time just yet.

I'm so, so sorry my sweet Maverick if I let you go too soon. Please forgive me. I only did it becuase I loved you so much and didn't want you to suffer needlesssly.