I have a sensitive problem (long-ish)

I've mentioned by best friend and drinking buddy, Kevin the chef, on here before.

This has been bothering me since I went and hung out with him Monday night.
We did our usual stuff, drinking, dancing, BSing etc.

This last time though I got a really weird vibe from him.
He's always been a little over appreciative of anything I do for him.
I tell him over and over again not to let it go to his head, I treat all of my friends well and with respect, he's not unique.

I think he's developed deeper feelings for me and he is the last person I need a relationship with.
He's flakey and inconsistent, selfish, and hyper, he always makes plans with me and then blows them off without a thought or word to me.
He's recently out of a long term relationship that ended badly and left him a completely broken man emotionally.

I talked to a mutual friend of ours and she agrees that if this is the case, it needs to be nipped in the bud quickly.
She also pointed out though that it could just be that he's feeling vulnerable because of the holidays, he has no family at all, so yeah, I can understand that.
She also said that it could be that he'd simply had far more to drink on Monday than I realized.
Or any combination of the two.
She tells me to wait till after the holidays and see if he's still acting this way.

Trouble is, if he has developed feelings for me, I have no idea how to approach him on it without losing my friend in the process

This is a really tough situation. The worst thing you can do is ignore it, especially if you think he's ready to tell you about these feelings.

I can't tell you the BEST way to handle this, but I can tell you the worst, lol. I've been in similar situations many times in my life, and I handled most of them badly because I didn't know how to handle another person's emotions when I didn't reciprocate.

Ignoring this person and thinking, "Well, if he does have feelings, he'd tell me and then we can talk about it." is not a good way to handle it. Eventually, a situation will come up and this person will probably just blurt things out, you might not react well to it, and then everyone is hurt. (Did this in high school.)

Just saying that you're not ready to be in a relationship right now, or that you just don't see yourself with him right now, leaves the door open to the future, and the hope still lingers. If you don't want to be with him at all (now or in the future), then you need to be honest. Letting that hope build, and then letting time go by will only hurt him more. (Almost lost one of my best friends this way.)

I think out of all the situations I've been in, the best thing I COULD have done was to be honest. I love all my guy friends, but I don't love them in a romantic way. If I had just said that, and that it was never going to be in a romantic way (softly...don't want to squish them) and treated them just as I always did, things would have been much better.

I've learned that honestly telling someone something potentially hurtful is always the best thing to do. You don't have to be harsh, but you can get the point across and try to salvage the relationship. Don't be surprised (if he does have feelings for you) if he distances himself for a bit. He might just need time to sort things out.

In his case though, I do have to wait until I'm completely certain, because I know if I ask him, he'll deny it.
As I said, it's just a vibe I was getting from him and the way he was acting.
And yeah, I really don't want to hear him profess his love for me, it would break my heart to let him down if it got that far

Originally Posted by Arlyn

In his case though, I do have to wait until I'm completely certain, because I know if I ask him, he'll deny it.
As I said, it's just a vibe I was getting from him and the way he was acting.
And yeah, I really don't want to hear him profess his love for me, it would break my heart to let him down if it got that far

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Only other thing I can think of his keep reminding him what great friends you are, and how you're glad you're just friends. You're not acting on his vibe, but you're also expressing YOUR feelings. *shrug*

I'm so bad at this, lol. You might not want to take my advice.

Originally Posted by Arlyn

Trouble is, if he has developed feelings for me, I have no idea how to approach him on it without losing my friend in the process

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If you are getting vibes from him that he likes you as more than a friend, it's likely that he's felt this way for a long time already and they just now surfaced to a point where you are picking up on them.

Sorry to say, but if he does like you as "more than a friend" you have already lost him as a friend. His feelings changed somewhere along the way while yours didn't. Trying to stay friends would mean that he would be waiting in the wings hoping that you will one day reciprocate his feelings. Not only that but if you started to date someone else he would feel sad/hurt/upset/jealous, because love is just like that.

Yeah, I've realized that.
I'm still going to try to salvage this, he already knows I'm dating other people.
We'll see what kind of vibe I get from him while he's sober. :/

I would say wait until after the holidays and see how he acts. I know people get needy this time of the year (men and women) and drinking clouds judgement and makes people "feel" something they don't really feel. Reminding him what a great friend he is and you're glad to have him as a FRIEND is a good idea, but don't bring up the subject until later.

I will tell you...I had a bar buddy like that. We started out just hanging out at our bar and having a good time, then it was going back to his house and hanging out and having lots of good talks until the sun came up. He was always my "protector" and safety net if I got myself into a bad situation. My rescuer.

He started acting a little different, more protective of me, then one night out of the blue he got down on one knee in the bar and asked me to marry him. I couldn't hear a word he said and was trying to read his lips and thought he said "are you mad at me". I said "NO!!!!!". THEN I realized what he said and burst into tears. We had a nice long talk in the car and remained friends. We did eventually date a few months later for the summer but it didn't work out. A few months of not speaking and awkwardness but we got over that. And guess what....10 years later, we got married. We both just needed to grow up.

I guess what I'm saying is you CAN maintain the friendship if you don't want that kind of relationship right now. There will be some awkward moments at first. But, who knows whats going to happen down the road. Just wait and see how he acts after the first of the year.