Fell off the wagon

No excuse, I drank.
Roaches, I am tired, so tired, not just the bugs. But they are a big part
You cry and then roaches fall on you.
I drank the better part of the day away
God have mercy on me.

Turn yourself around hun, and get back on that wagon.... You've done great so far.... don't let one slip up get you back where you were

You still have the choice to stop for this minute, this hour, this evening. What is done is done. The only time you have control of is this very moment. May you have the strength to make the best choice for yourself.

I cant stop, gosh I wish I could
I am a broken person.

Laura, you can stop. You have proven that.

Theres nothing we can say or do to "make" you stop, that is up to you. Be strong girl, you CAN do it.

Originally Posted by Trillcat

I cant stop, gosh I wish I could
I am a broken person.

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The last thing you need to do is punish yourself....The first thing you need to do is sleep it off. Wait till morning to sit yourself down and have the talk......

I remember your first post about this... I stand true to my position... You need help, and there is nothing wrong about asking for it, and accepting it. I hope from the bottom of my heart you do realize you shouldn't be doing this alone... You don't need to, and you can't do it. It is plain and simple as that.
Please accept help. I hope you do.
Many hugs, and vibes going your way

get thee to a meeting, ASAP!

The sun is coming up and dear God/ess, my head feels like it is going to explode.
I need to remember THIS feeling, the morning after. I dry heaved my way through the night, peed my pants from it. This is the reality of drinking and it is not pretty. Not so much fun. I have not checked the miirror, but my eyes may be bleeding! I may have thrown them up at one point this morning, along with I think I saw one of my shoes and corn I ate 5 years ago.
I need tea, and food.... urp. The eyes are poofy, I can feel that, I cried a lot.
Thank you all for not being mean to me, thank you.
Reality sucks, fantasy land sucks worse.
Besides getting a bottle of vodka, I got lots of good stuff at the store!
Turnip greens, mustard greens, green beans, snap peas, carrots, asparagus, brussle sprouts,tomatoes, cabbage, (all fresh)
I have no idea what to make of them but it will be good.
I told the cat to go make me some soup, she showed me her belly. Is that cat language for the finger?

Laura

Today is another day.... hopefully this helps you on your long road to recovery.

Any vodka left? If so, I would pour it down the drain

Bout your veggies..... so much you can do with them.

Do you like cabbage soup?

You can add most of those veggies to a chili. I don't know bout asparagus or brussell sprouts (don't like em), the beans and peas I eat raw

That's cat language for " my cute fluffy belly makes you better, yes?"

And it's possible you could have had a small hemorrhage in your eye from heaving. It looks terrible but is usually harmless.

I hope you get to feeling better later and start working on finding some sort of support near you. Sometimes you need someone to physically turn to.

Showing you her belly is her way of showing you trust and love. Nothing says trust like a kitty belly.

Go to a meeting. Call your sponsor. Get support and help, that's what s/he is there for.

Only when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired will you stop drinking. If you cannot remember the hangovers, you will keep practicing until you either get it or end up, well, not in a nice position. Do get to a meeting, they are all over the place. 90 meetings in 90 days, double that if you can manage. If you can get to a treatment centre, even as an out-patient, that will be even more help. Go to aa.org for more information and a list of meetings local to you. They also have on-line meetings but I wouldn't recommend that for someone still drinking or seriously wanting to.

I have gone the AA route, and don't like them. I am not saying they dont help people, they do, lots of people have been saved from the brink of death but not me. I will not give my free will up to a God, any God or Goddess even my own, sorry, not going to happen. ( for non 12 steppers, read them and form your own opinion)
I am not some pawn in a cosmic tragic play, I am me, and I drink. That is a fact I have to face. I took this path, I have to correct it, me, not some cosmic power I turn my will over too.
Fake it till you make it. Keep coming back.

Originally Posted by Trillcat

I will not give my free will up to a God, any God or Goddess even my own, sorry, not going to happen.

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Laura, I'm sorry to have to say this, but it looks like you've already given up your free will to the god(dess) of alcohol.

There are non-AA groups. What is going to happen to your cat with the cute belly when you drink yourself to death? Don't you have a responsibility to her?

I have a responsibility to her, my Dad, my Family.
I probably have given up free will to the drink, but I will not replace one addiction with another.
I have been to a lot of meetings, many headed to the nearest bar after. They were good people, addicted to the meetings. Not a lot of drunks get to talk about stuff when like minded people listen.
I like the people, not the steps.

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God
Step 4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves
Step 5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs
Step 6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character
Step 7 - Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings
Step 8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all
Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others
Step 10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it
Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out
Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

The steps. I am right on some of them but that is a whole lot of God I dont believe in.

Originally Posted by Trillcat

I am not some pawn in a cosmic tragic play, I am me, and I drink. That is a fact I have to face. I took this path, I have to correct it, me, not some cosmic power I turn my will over too.
.

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No dear, you didn't "take" this path. Alcoholism is an illness. A serious disease. Serious diseases require professional intervention to recover from.

You are not the only person in the world who doens't believe in God. Find meetings that aren't step programs.
Go to 12 step meetings and find others who prefer a different tack, and form your own meetings.

But you won't be in recovery until you leave denial behind.

Many of us have been where you are. There is no true freedom from it, but it is possible to be in recovery for life.

I don't know what to say.

You have a defeatist attitude towards your problem. You say things like "It doesn't work!" and "I can't" etc etc. So long as you keep thinking that nothing will change.

The first step to overcoming your problem/addiction is to change your way of thinking. Until you do, nothing will change.

Addiction is one day at a time for the rest of your life. There will always be that temptation/urge/craving, but it's up to you to resist it through positive thinking and determination.

So work on changing your attitude. You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing it and everything to gain from doing it.

No where in the 12 steps or the 12 traditions does it say you MUST believe in God, Allah VIshnu or any other recognised diety, or even any unrecognised diety. Power greater than ones self in no way implies a diety. The power can be just the group or, as stated by an agnostic friend, a lightbulb and the electricity to run it. The lightbulb was his choice of power greater and he has 30+ years and I never heard him mention a deity drunk OR sober. Even the Big Book doesn't use references to a deity except in the personal stories and there are stories written by agnostics and atheists.

However, it is your life, and if you choose to stay on the path of destruction, it is your choice, no one can stop you from it but YOU. You have the power to change the destructive behaviour and face the illness, just as you have the power to fall deeper into the illness and subsequent problems like liver cancer, depression, bleeding ulcers, and myriad other problems. The only other thing I can suggest is a doctor who will prescribe Antabuse, but that isn't pretty, and it is rarely used anymore.

Find SOMETHING, because you ARE going to kill yourself with booze.

And, yes, I DO know what I am talking about - 23 years now, and your bottle of vodka would have been just a toothful for me.