Going to see Johns nana on wednesday, advice please

Hi all, I posted last sunday that my husbands grandma passed away. Th funeral is next thursday, it has been delayed as she is having a specially made coffin. The "visiting" is on wednesday and my John wants me to go with him. To be honest I haven't been coping very well with it all. suffered a huge panic attack on sunday and have been not feeling well since. I have been to my doctors and he has prescribed me diazepam to take if I need to. Why on earth this has hit me harder than my hubby I do not know.
I really want to be with my hubby on wednesday but I don't think I can "see her". Please I would be grateful for any advice who has been in this situation and what to expect if I do see her I am so worried but my mother in law really wants me to go. I am so worried, it has ben such a tough time for us all lately. x

I'm so sorry for your loss. It's never easy.

My advice would be to go to be there for your husband and the family. I don't have a ton of experience with funerals and all that but I did have my dad's in June. It was pretty awful, sure, but my BF flew out with me to be with me and it helped so much. So your presence will be very appreciated. You don't have to go up to the coffin if you don't want to, but just be there for the living.

Keep that diazepam with you just in case too. Maybe even take it an hour before the viewing. That's what it's there for.

Originally Posted by DarkMavis

I'm so sorry for your loss.

It's never easy.

My advice would be to go to be there for your husband and the family. I don't have a ton of experience with funerals and all that but I did have my dad's in June. It was pretty awful, sure, but my BF flew out with me to be with me and it helped so much. So your presence will be very appreciated. You don't have to go up to the coffin if you don't want to, but just be there for the living.

Keep that diazepam with you just in case too. Maybe even take it an hour before the viewing. That's what it's there for.

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Thankyou for your advice, it is really appreciated, I have worked in care homes and seen bodies before but this is so different and I feel so scared for some reason. I suffer from anxiety anyway and have tried not to take the diazepam but think I will wednesday, I don't want to suffer any form of anxiety while I am there, I want to be there for my husband. x

Originally Posted by DarkMavis

...So your presence will be very appreciated. You don't have to go up to the coffin if you don't want to, but just be there for the living.

Keep that diazepam with you just in case too. Maybe even take it an hour before the viewing. That's what it's there for.

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Don't let anybody pressure you to go up to coffin if it's open-casket. Politely and firmly say "no" as many time as you need to.

I don't think the grief has hit you harder than your husband, just faster. He's going to be grieving for a long time and right now he's probably still kind of numb.

I lost my father two months ago - he died while I was in the air on my way to see him - so my husband was not with me at the funeral. Like DarkMavis said, your presence will help your husband a lot.

p.s. What a crappy year for so many people.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Having just been in a similar situation with my mother, I can tell you the last thing I wanted to do was go to the visitation and see my mother in that coffin. As the family, we went in about a half hour before people started showing up, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I too had to have medication to get through it.

However, after people started showing up, relatives I haven't seen in decades, an old friend from high school, etc., it was actually very cathartic. I hope you can bring yourself to go, and maybe you're spirit will be lifted a bit afterward. Not that you will get over your pain of losing her, but maybe be comforted in knowing that she is no longer in pain and in being with other people who loved her.

I know that seeing the body sometimes comforts people, my emotions have been mixed, my worry has been my husband and his family and how they will cope with it all. I understand death is a part of life and my mother i law thinks that if my hubby sees his nana looking peaceful it will help him as the last time he saw her she was riddled in pain and looked awful, so I understandmaybe seeing her peaceful may help him. I don't know what I am scared of, I really dont and I went to the doctors as soon as I had my panic attack as I don't want to burden the rest of the family with my problems.
My own nana is very ill, so could be that, I just am feling very useless at the minute but want to be there for my hubby and his family every step of the way. His mum made me cry yesterday, she said, I mean alot to her and meant alot to nanna (thats what we called her) and that being there is a huge thing. I am so sorry to burden you all on here but I have noone else to talk to.x

I don't have any advice, I'm just so sorry to hear about his nana and wanted to send hugs to you - and vibes for strength to be there for his family.

I agree that you should go to be there for your hubby.
I just wanted to mention that if you have never been on the medicine before it might be best to take at the funeral just incase there are side effect you were not expecting!

Good luck and many many vibes!

Oh hon viewings are never easy. I don't remember a lot about my mom and my dad's viewings...all a blur, except I DO remember seeing a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time and that helped a lot. Do what ever you need to do to get through it. Medication is absolutely fine. In fact, when DH's dad died suddenly of a heart attack he took a flask of Captain Morgan to the funeral home with him. Not the ideal solution but it helped him (and his siblings) get through it. And I agree, if you don't want to walk up to the casket you don't have to but sometimes seeing them peaceful after a long battle with pain and sickness can help with closure and start the healing process.

From what you've said, it sounds to me like your anxiety/panic is more from worrying about your husband and his family than your own feelings...which is fine. Is this the first close family member that you both have lost? If so, it is going to be rough, I won't lie to you...well, it'll be rough regardless of if this is the first or not. I'm not saying you don't love Nana, but you mentioned feeling useless and I'm guessing you are talking about helping your husband and his family. Honey, you can't make this better. All you can do is be there for him, give him space when he needs it and help him pick up the pieces and grieve together when he's ready to.

If you need to talk or vent or whatever, pm me anytime.

Honey, you can't make this better. All you can do is be there for him, give him space when he needs it and help him pick up the pieces and grieve together when he's ready to.

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Truer words were never spoken. And even though it feels like you are "doing nothing" that could not be farther from the truth.

There is a lot of wisdom in this thread, so I'm not going to repeat it -- just give you many