Why Don't I Believe Him?

weldrwomn · Nov 23, 2009

Hubby and I have been married 4.5 years with very few problems. We have a good relationship and we trust each other but there is a problem. I can't accept his compliments. If he tells me that I am beautiful or talented or an awesome wife, I just don't believe him.

When I look in the mirror, I see a plain, pasty white, kind of frumpy and dumpy looking person on crutches. All I see are flaws. I don't have great skin, my lips are peeling and inflamed, and I am not a lithe, muscular stick figure like I used to be. I wear a size 10 in jeans. Size 10 is what the chicks on the diet commercials say that they used to be! I got a couple of shirts yesterday that fit really nice, but they are X-tra Large. I wish I knew what he saw in me. I don't know how to be a girly girl. I would rather drink beer and talk about fishing and welding and cats, than talk about girly stuff.

I just think that he could do so much better and he deserves someone better than me. He says that he wishes that I wouldn't get so "down" on myself, but I tell him that is just who I am. I just feel so useless.

I'm sorry for the huge vent/pity party, but I just had to get all this off my chest.

emrldsky · Nov 23, 2009

Do you suffer from depression? Because it sure sounds like you do.

Maybe you can talk to a counselor? Even just letting it all out with someone who specializes in listening and handing out great advice can really help.

Btw, size 10 is not fat, by any means.

I'm a size 10 and I worked HARD to get there over the past year. I have found, over the years, that I get "looked over" more at this size than I ever did as a size 6.

2dogmom · Nov 23, 2009

I think it's a gal vs guy thing. This is a generalization, but here goes...
Women are confronted - no bombarded - with images of the "ideal" woman. You see them on TV, in movies, in advertisements, etc and let's fact it, we cannot compare with them. Then again, most of us do not have the nose jobs, breast enhancements, dental work, hairdressers, designer clothes and digital retouching that they get the benefit of. We are just plain folks.

But you know what? You hubby loves you the way you are and that is GREAT! Men don't see details the way women do, they look at a woman and see the whole picture. If you are fun to hang out with, go fishing and can weld etc you are just the thing some guys want. And for whatever it is worth, some of those beauty idols look just like the rest of us if you take away the makeup and get a picture using bad lighting. So be grateful that there are guys who do not want to hang out with women who eat one lettuce leaf and then have to go spend $35 on a manicure and that you snagged one.

There, do you feel better? I hope so!

carolina · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by WELDRWOMN

Hubby and I have been married 4.5 years with very few problems. We have a good relationship and we trust each other but there is a problem. I can't accept his compliments. If he tells me that I am beautiful or talented or an awesome wife, I just don't believe him.

When I look in the mirror, I see a plain, pasty white, kind of frumpy and dumpy looking person on crutches. All I see are flaws. I don't have great skin, my lips are peeling and inflamed, and I am not a lithe, muscular stick figure like I used to be. I wear a size 10 in jeans. Size 10 is what the chicks on the diet commercials say that they used to be! I got a couple of shirts yesterday that fit really nice, but they are X-tra Large. I wish I knew what he saw in me. I don't know how to be a girly girl. I would rather drink beer and talk about fishing and welding and cats, than talk about girly stuff.

I just think that he could do so much better and he deserves someone better than me. He says that he wishes that I wouldn't get so "down" on myself, but I tell him that is just who I am. I just feel so useless.

I'm sorry for the huge vent/pity party, but I just had to get all this off my chest.

First of all, I saw a video of you recently, and I can tell you right now that you are tripping!

You are BEAUTIFUL, and your husband sees exactly what he should be seeing!!
Are you kidding? Size 10?? Size 10 is AWESOME! If you wear size 10 and got something x-large, you got it at a kids clothing store - there is no ifs or buts.
There is NOTHING wrong in not being a girly girl either

You are Beautiful, nice, smart, but doesn't kill yourself on the top of heels... And that is OK!
Now, Again... I am telling you, because I SAW a video of you - YOU ARE NOT even CLOSE to be fat. And a size 10??? PLEASE that is SOOOO far from X-large........ Stop tripping woman! you are beautiful!

!

snake_lady · Nov 23, 2009

awwww

Let me ask you this: are you still at home recovering from the surgery?

I ask because you sound like I did after being stuck at home when I first became disabled and not being able to do much... I felt frumpy, fat (but I am fat...would love to be a size 10), no self esteem and just generally low. BUT, I was used to doing manual labour....sitting at home doing hardly anything is NOT me. ( and I don't think it is you either )

Are you back to work?

Obviously you are going thru a rough spot emotionally, and before anyone can help, the reason for that rough spot needs to be figured out.

He loves you Melissa, for being YOU. If he wanted a girly girl, he would have gotten one. He loves you for you..... and I do find that men don't know how to deal with women when they are in "down spots"..... my husband doesn't.

killerapple · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by WELDRWOMN

I wish I knew what he saw in me. I don't know how to be a girly girl. I would rather drink beer and talk about fishing and welding and cats, than talk about girly stuff.

He doesn't want a girlie girl. He wanted to be with you! Someone to talk about fishing and welding and cats.

He sees the beautiful woman he married and fell in love with, for all qualities, inside and out. That's why he's with you.

weldrwomn · Nov 23, 2009

I've just always felt like an "odd duck". The women in my family are all just so fashionable and have their hair and makeup "just so" before they even think of setting foot out the door. I don't even own a curling iron.

Maybe I am a bit depressed. I have been sitting on the couch for two months straight with nothing but the internet and TV to look at.

I have never been able to believe Hubby when he tries to compliment me. Instead of hearing that I am wonderful, the voice in the back of my head says that I could be better.

I went for a few sessions to a local counselor that my Dr recommended, but the guy was useless.

strange_wings · Nov 23, 2009

Maybe have him take you in front of a mirror and show just what and how he thinks you're beautiful? Might turn out interesting/fun.

I think I'm plain, but I'm not hung up/bothered by it. You don't see actress/model type beauty naturally - thats all fake make-up and photoshop.

Your lips are still bothering you? I tried something recently when my lips got chapped again after working out in the cold for several hours. A slice of cucumber.

Just hold it between your lips, do this a few times a day. Honey will also take some inflammation out of them and not harm anything. Unless you're allergic to either of these.
And you can the extra cucumber and toss it on a salad...

weldrwomn · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by strange_wings

Your lips are still bothering you? I tried something recently when my lips got chapped again after working out in the cold for several hours. A slice of cucumber.

Just hold it between your lips, do this a few times a day. Honey will also take some inflammation out of them and not harm anything. Unless you're allergic to either of these.

I will have to try that. The Dr put me on a round of antifungals but I only have one or two left and it hasn't done any good. My lips look like an inflamed, molting reptile. I was also thinking of changing from Carmex to either Nivea or Dr Bronners lip balm.

kittyl0ve4 · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

awwww

Let me ask you this: are you still at home recovering from the surgery?

I ask because you sound like I did after being stuck at home when I first became disabled and not being able to do much... I felt frumpy, fat (but I am fat...would love to be a size 10), no self esteem and just generally low. BUT, I was used to doing manual labour....sitting at home doing hardly anything is NOT me. ( and I don't think it is you either )

I felt the same way after my accident. I felt terribly useless and was just generally down-in-the-dumps about myself.

I'm sure your husband loves you for YOU, and even though your feeling "ugly" right now, he thinks your beautiful. He wants somebody like you, obviously, he married you

. Don't put yourself down. I don't know what you look like, but I'm sure you're beautiful!

strange_wings · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by WELDRWOMN

I will have to try that. The Dr put me on a round of antifungals but I only have one or two left and it hasn't done any good. My lips look like an inflamed, molting reptile. I was also thinking of changing from Carmex to either Nivea or Dr Bronners lip balm.

Carmex was originally made to dry out cold sores... Ditch it and stay away from petroleum products. Look up natural/home remedies for chapped lips.

emrldsky · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by WELDRWOMN

I went for a few sessions to a local counselor that my Dr recommended, but the guy was useless.

Then he wasn't the counselor for you.

Finding a good counselor is like finding the RIGHT pair of jeans: you just gotta shop around until you find one that fits just right.

I was actually pleasantly surprised when the person recommended to me was so great. At my last session (Jan. of this year) she hugged me and said she wished all her clients embraced change the way I do.

I was dealing with a lot of things at once: my health, my weight, and a childhood trauma that started seeping into my everyday life. My first session I cried and said that I just had to accept that I would be fat for the rest of my life.

And I was wrong, oh so very wrong! With her help, I was able to move past the trauma and talk about my other issues. After losing 25lbs while seeing her (and then more since then), I'm SO glad I sought help. I could not have done it without her.

weldrwomn · Nov 23, 2009

My Uncle is a licensed counselor. He is really good to talk to, but lately he just seems to busy to really talk to for things other than the weather and latest family news.

I can't drive now anyway, so I guess it is a moot point to go see a counselor.

It is just so frustrating to not be able to do anything. If I was able, then I would be up, working, exercising, taking nice long walks with hubby, doing more to help out around the house. Instead, I am like a bump on a log.

amberthe bobcat · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by WELDRWOMN

I wish I knew what he saw in me. I don't know how to be a girly girl. I would rather drink beer and talk about fishing and welding and cats, than talk about girly stuff.

Not all men want the girly girl type (I don't). I feel the same way about myself. How in the world I ever met my wife and got married is beyond me. I have a huge self esteem problem. When my wife says I am attractive, I look at myself and tell her, are you nuts?? Heck, I am not a typical man that likes to watch or play sports. I enjoy the companionship of my cats big and small, hang around at a goth night club and LOVE to dance (my best friends are goth people), ride roller coasters and chase storms. My wife saw/sees soemthing in me, what it is I don't know

But as the saying goes, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Be happy that your husband loves you for who you are. You don't have to be that girly girl to be a great woman

Those girly girl type make me uncomfortable

arlyn · Nov 23, 2009

I am a tomboy, I weigh 200 pounds, so I'd kill to wear size ten!
I love motorcycles and classic cars, and working on cars and fishing and beer, and watching sports and being self sufficient.

I used to have a hard time believing compliments too, but single or involved, I always seem to have guys that'll jump at the chance to go out with me, so obviously, they see me differently than I see myself.
I started believing them.
I still don't see myself as anything other than plain and stocky, but I believe them when they say they see me as beautiful, or sexy, and that's a serious boost to my self esteem.
The better your self esteem, the more attractive you become to other people.

Believe him, he means it.

coolcat · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by Snake_Lady

He loves you Melissa, for being YOU. If he wanted a girly girl, he would have gotten one. He loves you for you.....

very well said Chris...

....I couldnÂ´t said better my friend...

DonÂ´t give up Melissa,

furthermore to be the special girl to DH, since the day of you sign here in TCS youÂ´re a special member as all are!..

nobody can fill you special place that you made it here my friend...

sinceresly!...

cattybird · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by WELDRWOMN

Hubby and I have been married 4.5 years with very few problems. We have a good relationship and we trust each other but there is a problem. I can't accept his compliments. If he tells me that I am beautiful or talented or an awesome wife, I just don't believe him.

When I look in the mirror, I see a plain, pasty white, kind of frumpy and dumpy looking person on crutches. All I see are flaws. I don't have great skin, my lips are peeling and inflamed, and I am not a lithe, muscular stick figure like I used to be. I wear a size 10 in jeans. Size 10 is what the chicks on the diet commercials say that they used to be! I got a couple of shirts yesterday that fit really nice, but they are X-tra Large. I wish I knew what he saw in me. I don't know how to be a girly girl. I would rather drink beer and talk about fishing and welding and cats, than talk about girly stuff.

I just think that he could do so much better and he deserves someone better than me. He says that he wishes that I wouldn't get so "down" on myself, but I tell him that is just who I am. I just feel so useless.

I'm sorry for the huge vent/pity party, but I just had to get all this off my chest.

Melissa. I've seen you in a video and you definatly are NOT a frumpy dumpy person! It's all right that you don't want to talk girly stuff. I don't either. I think your husband married a wonderful woman who he sees as she really is.

weldrwomn · Nov 23, 2009

I am glad to have so many friends here!

I took some advice and went for a walk. Things are looking a bit better now

ut0pia · Nov 23, 2009

You're a size 10 and you're complaining??? A size 10 is pretty normal, neither fat nor skinny as a stick, and it's a great size IMO.

I don't know how to be a girly girl. I would rather drink beer and talk about fishing and welding and cats, than talk about girly stuff.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that...

I can relate to what you're saying though..I don't take compliments too well, I always feel like they are fake

weldrwomn · Nov 23, 2009

Originally Posted by ut0pia

You're a size 10 and you're complaining??? A size 10 is pretty normal, neither fat nor skinny as a stick, and it's a great size IMO.

I guess I listen too much to the media telling me that I should look like a stick figure. I figured that there are sizes below a 10 so that is where I should be. I have always wanted to look like one of those super skinny models...the ones with no curves. I just seem to attach too much worth to that particular ideal.

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